The Untold Story of Alex Snape
by Thora Jane
Summary: Alex Snape was born with a gift beyond usual wizarding abilities. After the tragic deaths of her parents and sister, Alex finds herself in danger and alone. She is taken to Hogwarts for saftey. There she meets her only living relative...Severus Snape.
1. Prologue

**Prologue **

**The Daily Prophet**

**September 2, 1979**

**First Antilegilimens Born In Two Centuries**

Late last night, the first of September, writes Rita Skeeter Daily Prophet reporter. An Antilegilimens was born to witch, Patricia Snape and her husband, muggle Tiberius Snape. For those who are unaware, an Antilegilimens is a witch or wizard who has a completely guarded mind. Like the use of Occlumency, an Antilegilimens's thoughts will be unreadable. But, unlike Occlumency an Antilegilimens takes no effort to shield their mind nor can they stop shielding it. Along with unreadable thoughts, their minds are completely unsusceptible to any magic involving the brain.

The last Antilegilimens, Zenith Zelweaver, born two centuries previous, was made an outcast by his ability and later brutally murdered by a wizard named Myron Paddock. Paddock, who felt Zelweaver's mental silence was a threat, sawed open Zelweaver's skull and feed his brain to a hungry dragon.

Today it is not uncommon for witches and wizards to be accomplished Occlumens. So let us hope for the sake of Alexandra Snape, the first Antilegilimens in two centuries, modern magical society has change.


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Severus Snape

September 4, 1996

A stream of red light brushed by me, she was close now. I ran as fast as I could. Seeking refuge behind the nearest big oak tree. I heard leaves rustle just beyond my hiding place. A cackle followed, which pierced the peacefulness of the early evening.

I took a deep breath, trying to seize every bit of courage I could muster before breaking into a brisk run for safety. I didn't look behind me to see if my attacker was catching up, but continued in my feverous escape, with no farther hope of fighting back.

Wind rushed by my ears as more spells missed me by centimeters. But as my luck was diminutive and my balance, close to none, just a minuscule, ill placed pebble was enough to make me stager; slowing down my sprint.

"Petrificus Totalus," yelled a triumphant voice.

My muscles were useless. My body was a statue.

As if in slow motion I fell, unable to do a thing about it. I landed with a thud, face down on the cold hard earth. Pain rushed through my whole body, though I was unable to cry out in agony.

Right away gentle hands rolled me on to my back; revealing the stupid look of surprise that was frozen onto my face.

"I got you, Alex. I got you." Sang Sidney, my younger sister as she stood over me looking very pleased with herself. I tried to fight against my invisible bindings, but it was no use.

Sidney pulled out her wand and pointed it at my face. "I forgot the counter jinx," She smirked.

I felt my throat burn as I tried (with no success) to scream.

"Just kidding," said Sidney in a mockingly sweet tone, as she poked me in the ribs.

Sidney waved her wand neatly and I was able to move again.

"You know," said Sidney as she gave me her hand to help me up. "It is pretty pathetic that you just got beat at a dual by your little sister."

I rolled my shoulders back, my neck was killing me. "I went easy on you," I lied.

"Right," Sidney said disbelievingly

"That really hurt," I complained. "I fell on my nose." I lightly touched it. "Ow."

Sidney laughed, "Yeah it looks a little crooked."

"Shut up," I said as I pushing her into the nearest tree. I pressed my fingers up against my nose again to make sure it felt normal. _I don't need my nose looking any weirder; it is already visible enough as it is_.

We made our way out of the lonely woods, which stood out of place just beyond the street where we lived. It seemed to be hours early, in terms of light, as we left the engulfing canopy of trees.

I put my arm around my sister's shoulders. "If Mom asks what we were doing, we were climbing trees. Agreed?"

"Agreed," Sidney grinned.

"Alex," called out a familiar voice. I looked up and my heart skipped a beat. I let go of Sidney and started twisting my hands together nervously. I was suddenly so aware of myself. My breathing started getting heavy and my stomach began to ache, I felt like I was sinking into quick sand and _oh God_.

"David," I greeted, smiling a little more warmly than needed be.

"Were you in the forest just now?" He asked seriously. His voice was so smooth and his eyes so green.

"Yes," I answered in a breathy tone, smiling stupidly.

David Harper was our neighbor and just about my age. I had known him most of my life and I had been in love with him ever since the first day of kindergarten when he let me borrow his red crayon.

It was not only that he was attractive; although, he was very attractive, but he was also very nice, and funny and smart and perfect in every possible was. He liked all the best music and all the best movies. He also read, actual books and the good ones too. He was always making me laugh; he would always go telling these random stories that were completely off topic, but would somehow end up being completely relevant. I loved it when he did that.

"Did you see anything funny while you were in there?" he asked, bringing me back to earth.

"Funny?" I asked as my voice went up an octave.

"Yes," he said excitedly. "From out my window I saw some weird flashes of light coming from in there."

With that Sidney let out a loud screech of laughter and ran off. David and I looked awkwardly after her as she swiftly made her way back home.

"Um, flashing lights huh," I started to distract him from my sister's oddity.

"Uh, oh right, did you see anything odd when you were in the forest."

"I didn't really notice anything _while_ I was in there," I invented hastily, in a tone that hardly sounded like me at all. "But now that you've said something, I am pretty sure that I heard the Elliot brothers playing in there. You know the ones; they live down on Belton Street. They are always making some sort of trouble. I bet they were setting off fireworks or something.

_Please believe me,_ I thought desperate. There was a long pause while David contemplated my story in this head.

"Right, probably," he said, though he still glared suspiciously at the little patch of trees. Then he looked at me and smiled. "Alex, you have a leaf in your hair."

I felt my face get hot. I began feeling around on my head hopelessly.

"Here," he laughed taking pity on me. He reached to pick the dried leaf out of my hair. My stomach did a summersault

"Thank you," I said smiling fiercely. I stared longingly into his deep green eyes and then at light brown curl that fell upon his forehead. David was so handsome. He suddenly turned bright red and broke my gaze. I had looked at him for far too long.

"You're welcome," he said awkwardly looking at the ground.

"I better go," I said quickly, my face on fire.

"Me too," he said. "See you around."

"Bye," I said already with my back turned, walking away as fast as possible. I looked behind me briefly to make sure his back was turned before breaking into a sprint.

As soon as I reached the porch of my house I collapsed onto its wooden steps. _I am such an idiot. _I thought hating myself.

I stuck my head out to peer down the street to where David lived. He was still out there talking animatedly to his older brother. I watched him carelessly. He used exaggerated hand gestures in his conversation and smiled broadly; a smile the literally made me feel weak.

_I could make him love me. _I thought, still watching him. _Of course I could do it, I am a witch. _I knew it would only be too easy to slip him a love potion or put him under some sort of enchantment.

_No_. whatever I could do with magic, the result would only be something so prosthetic and unnatural it wouldn't be worth having; I knew that. As I watch him my heart swelled; just the thought of enslaving David under some false pretence made me even more degusted with myself.

_Oh crap, he is looking this way._ I quickly got up and pressed myself up against the front door, out of his range of view.

"Idiot, Idiot, Idiot," I hissed as I repetitively banged my head into the door.

Suddenly the door swung open and with all my support gone I fell backwards into the entryway.

"Uh." I looked up to see Sidney once again standing over me laughing shamelessly.

"Sorry, I thought you were knocking," she said throw giggles. She held out her hand to help me up.

"Thank you," I said through clenched teeth. My whole body, which was already sore from my last fall, seemed to scream in protest with every little movement.

"David?" She asked knowingly.

"I don't want to talk about it," I said leading the way to the kitchen, were, to my extreme revulsion, found my parents passionately embraced. "Um, excuse me." I said announcing my presence.

My mom and dad resurfaced, both very red in the face but not from embarrassment_, ew._

If you first saw my parents together you would think them a very odd looking couple. My father was exceptionally tall, thin and extremely pale. He had inky black hair, in which he gelled back, making his out-of-date sideburns more evident. He also had dark eyes and a long hooked nose. He had a sort of impressive awkwardness about him.

My Mother on the other hand was way too beautiful for my father. She was also tall, but curvy. Her skin was tan and she had thick curly brown hair that fell down her back. She had brilliantly blue eyes and she would always wear red lip stick; and at this particular moment my father was also wearing some.

"Dad," I said miming wiping my mouth. He got the picture and fiercely began wiping off his red lips.

Sidney was lucky enough to be the mirror image of our mother, not inheriting a single physical trait from our father. And me, well, I was an odd mix between the two of them, but unfortunately, more like my dad than my mom.

"So," my mother began sweetly as she put dinner on the table. "What were you and Sidney doing in the wood?"

"Climbing trees," I said, trying to sound natural.

"Really?" she said her voice full of irony. "Alex, look me in the eye and tell me again that you were climbing trees."

I stood in front of my mother and stared into her eyes. "We were climbing trees." As I said it, I realized how ridiculous it sounded. _I am already clumsy as it, so way on Earth would I even attempt to climb a tree where there is just a farther distance for me to fall._

"You are such a bad liar," my mother pocked at me. She reached into my pocket, grabbing my wand. "And you needed this to climb trees, did you?"

I didn't say anything.

"Prior Incantato," My mom said with a flick of my wand. A flash of blue light streaked out and bounced off the window; we had to duck to miss its rebounding effects. It was the last jinx that I had aimed at Sidney before completely giving up.

My Father just watched us curiously. You would think after about twenty years of being married to my mom he would have gotten use to magic by now; but every time one of us did a spell, he would still observe in amazement.

"Empty your pockets too, Sidney," said my mother with a hand on her hip and the other out stretched. Sidney placed her wand and two sticks of gum in my mom's out stretched hand. "So," she started sternly. "Who won?"

"What?" I asked, not expecting that response at all.

"I did," Sidney sang happily.

My mother handed our wands back. "Climbing trees," she laughed as she gave my wand back. "I may not be able to read your thoughts, Alex, but I always know what you're thinking." She kissed my forehead. "Now," she turned to the others. "Who's hungry?"

_Clearly, Antilegilimeny has been completely wasted on me, _I though wearily.

We all sat down at our usual spots at the kitchen table. As my mother served, my father flipped through a small pile of mail in front of him.

"There is a post card from your friend, dear," said my father in a thick English accent. He handed the card to his wife from across the table.

Once upon a time my mother decided to go backpacking around Europe to 'find herself'. Instead she found my dad, Tiberius Snape. They fell in love the first day, got married three days later and she convinced him to move back to her home town of Kent, Washington; where we all still live today.

"Bills, bills," my father mumbled to himself as he continued going through the post. "Oh," he said softly staring perplexedly at the return address on the back of the envelope.

"What is it?" My mom questioned.

My father quickly opened the letter. We watched as his eyes moved swiftly across the page. He gave a furtive glance to my mother before he began reading the first couple of line out loud.

"Dear Mr. T. Snape," my father read solemnly. "I regret in informing you that your brother, Tobias Snape died yesterday evening."

I wasn't really sure how to react to the news that my uncle had died. I had never met Tobias and my father seldom mentioned him. On those rare occasions where my dad actually acknowledged the fact that he had a brother, incoherent swear words would usually follow shortly after Tobias's name.

"How did he die?" I asked; which was the only appropriate thing I could think to say.

"It says he that he died from liver failure," my father read from the page. "If I remember correctly my brother was rather fond of the drink." My mother walk over to my dad a placed a consoling, yet slightly unsure hand on his shoulder. She was apparently at a loss for how to react as well.

"Who sent you the letter? Was it his wife?" I asked.

"No," he answered, putting his hand over my mother's. "His wife, Eileen, has been died for several years now."

"Oh," I said, not knowing if I was supposed to feel remorse over her death as well.

"I do not know the person who sent me this." My father said. "The letter is signed Paul _something_, I am guessing that is the man who found the body." My dad let out a sigh. "I suppose after Eileen died, he spent most of his time alone, my brother was never one for friends."

"He has a son doesn't he?" My mother interjected.

"Oh no," Sidney exclaimed. "Then what going to happen to their little boy if he has no mother and no father?"

"Yeah," I agreed with concern. "Tobias and his son were our only remaining relatives and if Eileen doesn't have any living family, then who will take care of their son?"

"Could he live with us?" Sidney asked. "It would be like having a brother."

Tiberius Snape looked at both of his daughter apprehensive expressions before throwing his head back and laughing.

"What's so funny?" I asked wildly.

"You are forgetting," My father told us. "That my brother is quite a bit older than I am. I would expect that his son, your cousin, is not much younger than myself." My dad glanced down at the letter once more. "It was probably for the best," he muttered in an undertone.

"Dad?" I questioned, in utter amazement.

"My brother was not the kindest of men," he answered bitterly. "And to be perfectly honest, I wouldn't be surprised if Severus is glad to be shot of him."

"Severus?" I asked.

"Yes. That is your cousin's name," said Tiberius. "Severus Snape."


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The First Antilegilimens in Two Centuries

**The Daily Prophet**

**September 6, 1996**

**Deatheater attack,**

**Family murdered**

A family of four murdered in a small town in Washington State, writes Rita Skeeter, Daily Prophet reporter. Late last night the dark mark was reported to be seen over the home of Muggle Tiberius Snape, his witch wife Patricia and their two Daughters. Information has been withheld, but there is said to be no survivors.

The appearance of the dark mark caused the ministry to modify the memories of several muggle neighbors to the Snape family. We are unsure why this family was targeted but it might have to do with Alexandra Snape the only known Antilegilimens in two centuries.

* * *

October 3, 1996

I lay on my back on the uncomfortable bed, closing my eyes against the harsh afternoon sunlight. The room was oddly quiet; everyone was outside taking advantage of the last bit of decent weather. The faint sounds of laughter drifted up to me, making my ear drums sting.

Though the autumn air was warm, my entire body was cold and ached as if it was frostbitten. I curled into a cocoon of itchy bed sheets, cuddling my knees to my chest, desperately trying to create some form of warmth, but it was pointless. This coldness was far beyond skin deep.

I was so unaware of my being; it was like I was just floating inches above my body, barely holding on; as if a gentle wind could simply blow me away.

I listened to the sound of my breathing which was amplified as it rebounded off the fabric walls that surrounded me. Though it drowned out the sounds from below, I prayed for utter silence. Even my heart sent out piecing, hollow rings with every beat. I massage my temple, trying to find some peace inside myself.

It had been over a month since I started living at Enchanted Orchards Boarding School. It was stupid that they called it a boarding school because it was not. It really was an orphanage, but I suppose they decided _boarding school_ just sound more pleasant. And it was in no means enchanted.

For the _orchard_ part, well there was a half dead pear tree in the back lot that probably had not bore fruit for fifty years.

Whatever, you chose to call it, at the end of the day it would still be a place to dump unwanted and forgotten children, and after much denial, I finally began counting myself among them.

I knew I did not have to stay there; I was 17, an adult in the wizarding world. But I had no reason to leave, and nowhere to go.

There was a soft knock on the door. I did not respond, maybe whoever it was would just go away. The knocking came again. I still did not respond.

"She doesn't say much," said a voice in a carrying whisper. I recognized it to be the matron, Ms. O'Dell. "Actually, to be perfectly honest, she doesn't do much of anything." She paused then began again, "It was very curious; the people who dropped her off here did not give us any indication of what might have happened to her. And I could not bring myself to ask the poor dear in fear of further upsetting her." There was another paused. "Well, I know she is in here. Alexandra, I am coming in," she called to me.

I heard the door creek open. I did not bother uncovering myself and greet my guests. I just lay there waiting for her and whoever she was with to just go away.

"Alexandra," she sang sweetly in my ear, from beyond the sheets. She consolingly gripped my arm. Her touch burned. I shot up as fast as I could and yanked my arm away from her reach. I glared at her for daring to touch me; although, I knew that she was only trying to be kind.

Ms. O'Dell round face turned very pale and she looked uncomfortable. As she continued to speak, she did not look at me, but focused on a spot slightly above my head. "Alexandra, there is someone here to see you," her voice was full of forced sweetness. She turned to look at her companion, uncertainly.

The woman accompanying Ms. O'Dell looked down at me sternly over her square rimmed spectacles. She was tall, slender and wore her dark hair in a tight bun. Despite her old age, she gave me the instinct impression that she was not one to be messed with.

"I will just leave you to it, then," said Ms. O'Dell as she hurried from the room. The door closed softly behind her, leaving me alone with this strange woman.

"Hello," I said softly, eyeing the woman skeptically.

"Hello," she answered; her voice was bruise and serious, exactly as you would expect her to sound. "I am Professor McGonagall," she held out her hand and I shook it briefly.

"I'm Alex Snape." My voice cracked as I spoke. I was out of practice; I hadn't said this much in what felt like years and I was exhausted with the effort.

The Professor's eyes seemed to soften slightly as she looked at me. She pulled an envelope out of her handbag and gave it to me. "Go on and open it," she said, for I stared at her blankly.

My numb fingers fumbled slightly as I tore open the letter. Inside were two slips of heavy yellow parchment. Along the top of the first page it read: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, in green ink.

I read the next few lines out loud to myself. "Dear Miss Snape, We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry." I looked at her curiously. "Why?"

"Why what," asked the Professor.

"Why have I been accepted?" I asked.

"Well you are a witch, are you not?" She asked a little impatiently.

I nodded.

"And Hogwarts is a school of witchcraft and wizardry," she pointed out sarcastically, "so, if you are a witch why wouldn't you go?"

"But in the letter it says, that term started September first, why haven't you come earlier?" I questioned.

Professor McGonagall face grew stern again. "There were some complications that had prevented us from contacting you sooner." She gave me a meaningful look. I had a pretty good idea of what those complications were and did not question her further on the matter.

"Hogwarts can offer you a very extensive magical education. At Hogwarts you will be under the tutelage of many highly accomplished Witches and Wizards, Not to mention the Headmaster Albus Dumbledore," she paused and looked at me furtively. "Professor Snape is also among the teachers at Hogwarts."

Her last few words had captured my full attention. I glanced up at her. "Professor Snape?"

"Yes, he is a teacher there," She told me. "Severus Snape," she added as I continued to stare at her with wide eyes.

"He's a wizard?" I voice shook violently. "Severus Snape."

"Yes," Professor McGonagall said simply, in her same firm tone.

"When did this happen?" I asked wildly.

"Since birth, I would imagine," she said dryly.

I was standing now. "And he teaches at Hogwarts, and I'm going to Hogwarts." I could hear the excitement in my voice and it surprised me.

"Yes," she said. "You are going to Hogwarts." She seemed slightly annoyed that it was taking me this long to grasp the idea.

A brief smile spread across my face; though it faded almost the moment it happened. I suddenly was sickened by myself. I felt guilty smiling when it had not even been a month since _their_ murder. Though, I could not help but feel happy, if for only a moment; a bit of hope came over me, I was going to meet Severus at late.

"What are you waiting for?" Professor McGonagall asked. "Pack your things; we must leave at once."

My mind was so busy running over everything I had just learned; I was hardly aware of the many shops we were entering, buying my various school necessities. And then as if a blink of an eye I was at Hogwarts.

I followed behind Professor McGonagall as we walked quickly through the many halls. I wished I had about ten more eyes for all there was to see.

The people in the paintings jumped into neighboring frames to have conversations with each other. A suit of armor actually scratched its head. And a couple of ghosts gracefully glided passed. I turned around to get a better look, but then remembered that it was rude to stare and continued looking forward. As the Professor led me up a grand marble staircase, I noticed that the set of stairs above us was moving. I was going to get very lost here.

As we made our way up stairs a small group of students passed us. They looked so at home and seemed to know exactly where they were going. A few of them stole a quick glance at me as they walked by. I felt so embarrassed following closely behind a teacher, with my bags floating in front of me up the stairs; I knew my appearance just screamed _new kid_.

Professor McGonagall stopped in front of a statue of a giant eagle "Acid Pops," She said. I jumped, as a once stationary statue move aside as a staircase came up from the ground. The Professor stepped on as if it was an escalator, I followed suit.

Once we reached the top of the stairs, Professor McGonagall knocked on the door in front of us. "Enter," said a calm voice. We Entered. I was amazed as I looked around the circular room. The walls were covered with books and painting and glass instruments sat on little tables. And a beautiful phoenix was perched on one of the old bookcases.

The most impressive thing in the room, however, was the man sitting behind the desk, Albus Dumbledore. He had silver hair and beard that were long enough to tuck in to his belt. He wore half moon spectacles and had electric blue eyes. He surveyed his guests.

"Miss Snape for you, Headmaster," said McGonagall.

"Excellent," said Dumbledore as he stood and approached me. "Thank you Minerva, you may go." McGonagall gave a quick nod and left the room. I was alone with Dumbledore, well sort of; there were portraits of what I assumed were past headmasters and headmistresses. They all seemed to be sleeping; yet, I thought I saw some of them open their eyes and pier at me; or maybe it was just a trick of the light.

"Hello," said Dumbledore as he held out his right hand to me, I took it. I noticed that his left hand was burnt and blacked. I thought it would be rude to ask about it, so I tried to ignore it. "I am Professor Dumbledore." He smiled at me kindly and put his left hand casually behind his back.

My face felt hot. "I'm Alex Snape," I said shyly.

"We are happy that you could join us at Hogwarts," He said

"I'm happy too." I looked around the room again. _Where was Severus?_

"Excellent," He said again, smiling at me even warmer. "If you would just step over here, please." He led me across the room. He then picked up a worn, old hat off one of the selves. "This is the sorting hat." It sure didn't look like much. "Here at Hogwarts, there are four houses, Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin." I wasn't quite sure what he meant, but I nodded anyway. "A house," he continued kindly as if he read my thoughts, which was impossible, "is a kind of family within the school. Different houses compete against each other to win the house cup at the end of term. Teachers award house points for your triumphs and take away points for any rule breaking."

I smiled. "I understand now, sir."

"Good," said Dumbledore smiling too. "Now if you would place this on your head." He handed me the hat. I put it on. I waited for something to happen. Nothing did. I looked at Dumbledore. He looked completely unsurprised by the lack of occurrence.

"No, I didn't think so," he said more to himself than me.

_Of course it didn't work; _I thought resentfully. _My brain is broken._

"No matter," Dumbledore looked at me very closely I shuttered, it felt like he was looking right through me, like I was being x-rayed. "You shall be in Gryffindor, yes, that is the place for you, I think." And with a flick of his wand, the door opened and a girl stood in the entryway with her arm up in knocking position. "Thank you, Miss Granger, for coming. This," he gestured to me, "is Alex Snape." The girl's eyes showed that she recognized my name. "And this is Hermione Granger a Gryffindor prefect; she will show you to Gryffindor tower." Hermione smiled at me, though her eyes traced my face curiously.

Hermione and I were about to leave when I remembered something I wanted to ask. I turned "Professor Dumbledore?"

"Yes, Alex."

"What subject does Professor Snape Teach?" I know I could very well have asked Hermione this, but that was not all that I wanted to know about Professor Snape. For one thing I wanted to know why he wasn't here now, yet I would never ask that.

"He teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts," said Dumbledore knowingly.

_Good I'm taking that class. _I thought.

"He is also head of Slytherin house." Dumbledore added.

I looked down at the floor. _I wish I were in Slytherin._

"You are meant to be a Gryffindor," Dumbledore said.

"Thank you for everything Professor," I said as I walked out of the office with Hermione.

"You will really like it here," said Hermione smiling.

I looked around taking in everything I could. "I think I will," I said somewhat shyly, "it is like nothing I've ever seen before."

"Did you go to a wizarding school back where you use to live," Hermione asked curiously.

"No," I said not looking at her. "My mom home schooled my sister and me, on weekends and holidays, but I usually attended Muggle School." I felt my face get hot; students here probably would thing that is stupid. "You see, my dad was a muggle and he wanted us to get more than a magical education," I explained as my face grew even hotter.

"Both my parents are dentist," Hermione told me. I looked up and smiled, she did too.

Hermione lead me up many different paths. I tried to remember; left, right, up the stairs than another right, but I couldn't keep track. Finally we stopped in front of a portrait of a fat lady wearing a pink silk dress. "Password?" said the fat lady.

"Hippogriff," Hermione replied to the fat lady, and her portrait swung forward to reveal the Gryffindor common room. It was brightly decorated with red and gold. Hermione and I climbed though the opening in the wall to join our fellow Gryffindors.

"So what did Dumbledore want, then," called out a voice. I looked around; two boys were sitting in some armchairs by the fire, gesturing towards Hermione. The one that had spoken was tall with flaming red hair and freckles. With him was another boy, who was also tall with black hair and glasses.

"Come on," said Hermione kindly, "You can sit with us." I gave her a weak smile. I never thought I was shy before, but now… well a lot of things have changed.

We walked over to her friends. "Who are you?" said the red headed boy, eyeing me.

Hermione frowned at the boy and said "honestly Ronald," before I could answer. "Alex," she turned to me. "This," she pointed at the red head, "is Ron Weasley. And this," she gestured toward the other boy, "is Harry Potter." I looked at the black haired boy. I felt my eyes gravitate to his forehead and sure enough there it was a lightning bolt scar. I blushed, knowing that he must get that a lot. I rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly. "Ron, Harry," she continued. "This is Alex Snape."

"What?" spluttered Harry Potter and Ron at the same time. I saw Hermione give them both sharp looks.

"Um," I said softly. "That is my name."

"Alex, don't bother yourself with these two," said Hermione as she gave her friends another stern look. She took my wrist and pulled me into the chair next to hers.

"But, you were in the prophet," blurted Ron, utterly confused. I didn't blame him for being confused or curious; after all, I'm sure many people are wondering why it is that I'm _not dead_. I have asked myself the same question on numerous occasions. Why was it that I'm still here when _they_ aren't?

"The prophet got it wrong," I said simply. He waited as if I was going to go into more detail, but when I didn't he rightly decided to drop the subject.

"Are you really related to Professor Snape?" He asked enthusiastically.

I smiled slightly in spite of myself. "Yes." I felt comforted knowing that I was so close to meeting Severus.

"How are you related," Harry Potter chimed in.

I smiled wider. "He is my cousin, well much older cousin, obviously. My dad's brother was Professor Snape's father." I explained.

"You poor kid, having Snape as a cousin, that git," Ron said.

I looked at him confusedly. "What do you mean?"

"Haven't you ever met Professor Snape?" Asked Hermione, with a note of hesitance in her voice.

"No, I haven't," I said looking at her. The three exchanged looks. "What is it?" I panicked looking to each of their faces. "What's wrong with him?"

"Well," said Hermione timidly.

"Well, what?" I asked nervously.

"Well, he is a prat," said Ron.

"Ron," protested Hermione.

"Is he really not nice?" I asked.

"That is one way of putting it," pointed out Harry, sniggering.

"Is he not a good teacher?" I needed to know why they dislike him.

"Um," said Hermione, "It's not that he is a bad teacher, I mean he is really knowledgeable, but…" she trailed off.

"What," I asked getting slightly annoyed at the lack of straight answers.

"He is a prat," Ron repeated.


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher

October 4, 1996

A sneering, blonde boy sat in the back row of transfiguration class. He kept glancing over at that new girl, the Snape girl, Alexandria or whatever the hell her name was. It was not that she was anything real special to look at, but he couldn't help it. This girl was supposed to be dead; everybody knew it. He had heard about her death impartially and not only from the stupid Daily Prophet; he had a more reliable source.

Professor McGonagall began taking role; when she read out, "Malfoy," the blonde boy gave a careless raise of his hand. When McGonagall called out the Snape girl's name half the bleeding class turned to look at her. She merely turned red and looked at the professor helplessly and McGonagall marked her present.

Draco Malfoy had only had one other class with this girl today, but he could already tell that she was a know-it-all. Potions was the class they had together and old Slughorn was about to wet himself when he saw her, the first Antilegilimens in two centuries. Honestly, between her and Potter, Slughorn was practically unbearable, going off about how her and Potter were going to make something of themselves someday and all that rubbish. It also did not help that the Snape girl answered Slughorn's questions as if she had a bloody encyclopedia inside her head. That was all the school needed another know-it-all, show-off like that mudblood, Hermione Granger.

Draco continued to watch her as she began taking note. Her hand ran furiously across the page. She leaned so close to the paper; it was a wonder that she didn't splatter ink all over her face.

This girl was very pale and the darkness of her hair made her skin seem even more pallid in comparison. She also had a somewhat large nose; not that it could have been avoided, as she was related to Severus Snape. In many ways she did share several physical traits with her cousin, but she looked almost nothing like him.

Though, she was pale like Snape was, her cheeks would often turn pink with embarrassment, a blush that wouldn't be caught dead on Professor Snape's face. And though her hair was black, she did not wear it in greasy curtains around her face, like Snape did, but pulled it back and let it fall in long, healthy waves behind her. Her nose was large and slightly hooked, but it was nowhere as large as Professor Snapes nose. Where Professor Snape's eyes were dark and cold, this girl had brilliant blue eyes and they looked kind and warm.

McGonagall asked a question and only Hermione and the Snape girl had their hands up. McGonagall called on the Snape girl and she answered a question as if she was trying to see how many big words she could possibly fit into one sentence. Draco rolled his eyes as Professor McGonagall confirmed her answer to be correct. A slight smile ran over the girls lips, making her completely indistinguishable to her cousin.

* * *

I stared down at my dinner, playing with my mashed potatoes. I felt people's eyes on me. I tried to convince myself that it was just my imagination, but it wasn't.

I did not have Defense Against the Dark Arts yet; that was tomorrow. Today, I did have History of Magic, Herbology, Potions and Transfiguration. I was really excited when I heard that History of Magic was taught by a ghost. Professor Binns, the ghost teacher entered the classroom through a wall, and that was by far the most interesting thing about the entire class.

I had never taken Herbology before, since I was home schooled, and I had never anticipated how dangerous it would be. Today we were supposed to brush the _teeth_ of this vicious plant that I couldn't remember the name of. I left the green house with both my hands swollen and bleeding slightly. I am so behind in that class, but luckily I was table partners with this very nice boy called Neville. He was very helpful and he knew everything there was to know about Herbology. He was able to brush the fanged plant's teeth without getting bitten once.

Potions was taught by Professor Slughorn. I have always really liked Potions class, and I could say pretty confidently that I'm really very good at it. I was looking forward to Potions after I had just left Herbology feeling rather stupid. I was ready to go to a class that was easy for me and that I knew I could excel at, but once I got there I really just wanted to leave.

People had been pointing and staring at me all day and I hated it. Professor Slughorn just made matters much, much worse. As soon as I entered his class he got up from his desk and welcomed me, over excitedly. Normally, I would have thought he was just trying to be nice, but he had this almost greedy look in his eye as he showed me to my seat.

Then he began taking role. When he reached my name he called out 'Miss Snape, the first Antilegilimens in two centuries,' as if it was my title. This blonde Slytherin boy in the back row let out a definite snigger and then several other people began giggling; I wanted to die.

Finally we got to start actually making potions. We were simply making Pepper up Potion, which is a cure for the common cold. I had made it about a million times before. It was really easy, but Slughorn kept hovering over me, watching me work. He was impressed, of course and he started praising me so loudly, that I sort of wished I wasn't so good at potions.

The only time I got any peace during that class was when Slughorn left to go praise-annoy Harry Potter, who I was surprised to see had made a potion even better than mine or Hermione's.

I was so happy to leave the class when the bell rang, but before I even made it to the door Slughorn called me back and told me to look out for an owl from him, with an invitation to one of his parties. Apparently he throws parties for members of this club of his, _The Slug club_; it just sounded horrible. _I must remember to be sick those night, _I thought.

Thankfully, once I got to Transfiguration Professor McGonagall treated me just like everybody else and didn't even acknowledge that she had ever seen me before in her life. So far she was my favorite teacher; although, I hadn't met Professor Snape yet.

Hermione nudged me slightly underneath the table. I turned to her. "What?" I asked as she gestured to the professor table at the head to the great hall.

"It's Professor Snape," she told me in a whisper. I looked up automatically. A man had just entered through a side door and was walking along the table to his seat.

"Oh," I said lamely. 'Oh', was all I could think to say. He looked nothing like I thought he would. "The one with the black hair" I asked hesitantly, just to make it perfectly clear that we were talking about the same person?

"Yes," Hermione answered, a hint of caution in her voice, "the one that just sat down." We were talking about the same person. I knew Ron and Harry were listening.

"Oh," I said again. I looked at the tall bat like figure, which was Professor Snape. He seemed to be in a bad mood over something because he scowled down at his dinner plate as if it had done him a personal wrong. Disappointment seemed to wave over me. My mom had always told me to not judge a book by its cover, but, honestly.

Professor Snape looked like someone who didn't seem to like anyone. I watched as Professor Slughorn attempted to converse with Snape. Slughorn smiled gleefully as he animatedly told Snape something. As Slughorn's face lighted even still, Snape grimaced, revealing yellowed teeth. And paired with his greasy hair it was clear to me that the Professor Snape did not believe in personal hygiene. I felt my left eye twitch.

I continued to watch the two teachers undetectably, until they both suddenly look straight at me. I'm sure my face was something like a deer in headlights'. And to my great displeasure, Professor Slughorn pointed me out of the crowd. It was obvious to me now what Slughorn had been telling Professor Snape about. As if the situation could not have gotten any more awkward, Slughorn waved at me, full heartedly, attracting attention from both staff and students alike. I tried to return his wave with a smile, but failed miserably, with a face that I'm sure looked as though I was about to vomit.

All my nerve was being sucked out of me by this look of pure disgust Severus Snape was conflicting on me. What could I have possible done? Or maybe Professor Snape holds grudges over people with clean hair. I got up; I was not hungry anymore.

"I'll see you back in the common room," I told Hermione as I walked quickly from the hall.

I was feeling angry and upset, but at the same time I had an absurd desire to laugh. Laugh about how completely unfair this was. _It is quite funny really;_ I though mirthlessly, _my mom, dad and sister were murdered and the only relative I have left hates me._ I laughed humorlessly to myself, a laugh that soon turned in to dry sobs. The portraits on the walls watched me hesitantly as I made my way through the many halls.

When I entered the common room, it was completely deserted. I didn't know what bothered me the most. Was it my immediate disappointment in him or of his immediate disappointment in me? I angrily kicked the nearest armchair before completely breaking down.

October 5, 1996

I stood next to Hermione and held my breath, waiting. The class room door opened slowly; there he stood in the doorway, unsmiling. I wanted to smile at him or say a friendly 'good morning,' but my nerves wouldn't allow it.

I took a seat in his dimly lit class room. I wondered if Professor Snape enjoyed being depressed. Professor Slughorn's class room was in the dungeons and it was cheerier than Snape's 5th floor class. Everyone was seated now. The room was tense, no one dared to speak.

Professor Snape walked swiftly to the front of the room, his long black robes billowing behind him. Without a greeting the he began taking role. Brown, Granger, Malfoy, the names flowed. I stiffened in my seat as he said Smith, I knew I was next. I watched his face. What did I think would happen? But, never the less I waited to see his emotion as he read "Snape". He looked disgusted as he said his own name. Hatred was etched across his sallow face.

Pain shot through me. "Here," I said softly, secretly wishing I wasn't there at all. He didn't even look at me.

"Today's subject is Vampires," said Professor Snape as he scribbled the word 'Vampires' on the black board. I smiled slightly, I knew a lot about vampires, and I bet I could answer any question he asked. _I will make him like me. _I thought determinedly.

He began to lecture. I already knew all of the information, yet, I listened attentively. I wouldn't want him to think I wasn't paying attention.

His voice was deep and guttural; it reminded me of my dad's voice. Professor Snape spoken in almost a whisper; though, he held the whole class's attention without fail.

Then finally he asked. "Who can tell me, how long it takes to transform into a vampire after being bitten?" I knew this one (3 very excruciating days). I raised my hand; Hermione's hand was up too. We were the only two students with answers.

"Anyone?" said Professor Snape, ignoring Hermione…and me. "Pathetic," he pronounced after a few painful minutes of blank stares from the rest of the class. He finally couldn't avoid it any longer and called on Hermione. She gave a more than perfect answer, yet the professor didn't seem pleased, he just scowled and nodded.

Then he asked what the characteristics of a vampire are? I raised my hand (red or gold eyes depending on their diet, pale, cold skin, strength, speed and beauty). Hermione's hand was up again too. He called on Hermione again. And again she gave a perfect answer.

_He needs to call on me_. _I need to make him notice me._ So without thinking, when he asked how vampires could be killed, I stood up and shot my hand into the air. Hermione just looked at me as she lowered her raised hand. I heard a few people laughed; they didn't understand how serious this was. I was not thinking.

"Sit down," Professor Snape hissed at me. I quickly obeyed as if he had shouted. He started to turn away from me.

I couldn't let him do that. "Professor Snape, I have an answer."

"Well, obviously," he said and turned away.

I stood again. "Vampires are immune to the killing curse," I started. "Because their hearts do not beat, that is where the term 'the living dead' came from. The only way to kill a vampire is to cut them up and burn the pieces. But, doing just that is nearly impossible for any mortal, because of vampires speed and toughness of skin. It takes a lot of force to break apart a vampire, if you can catch one that is. The only wizard to do this was Octavian Luke James Pariweather the third, in 1834, by uses of a slowing charm and goblin made ax carried by a troll. Although you could argue that it was the troll and not Pariweather who actually killed a vampire." I concluded slightly out of breath. I could feel every eye on me, except for Professor Snape's, who still had his back to me.

He turned around slowly. "Are you quite done?" he asked. I nodded. The room was dead quiet as he spoke, "fifty points from Gryffindor." He faced me straight on now. "If I had wanted a know-It-All answer, I would have asked." And for the first time he smiled, but it was a cruel, vicious grin, revealing everyone of is disgusting yellow teeth. "But as irritating as it might have been, you are correct." The mangled smile widened. "Therefore, thank you for informing the class so well. I have no doubt they will have any trouble writing a 10 inch essay on the proper way to kill a vampire, to be turned in by Monday. Class dismissed." He went to his desk.

I turned to see all the dirty looks I was getting. Thankfully, Ron's, Harry's and Hermione's were directed at the professor not at me. The classroom emptied. I told Hermione and the others that I would catch up with them later. So I took a deep breath and walked to Professor Snape's desk. "Um, Professor?" my voice cracked and I blushed. He slowly looked up from his papers.

"What?" He said. The word burned

"I-I'm really sorry Professor. I shouldn't have done that, I-" I didn't know if I should say what I was really thinking, but I did, "I just wanted to- to impress you." It sounded even lamer out loud then it did in my head. He stared at me attentively. "I'm sorry," I said again. "I will never answer a question again, unless you ask me to. I promise."

He sat up in his chair and interlocked his fingers. "Is that all?" he asked.

"Yes, sir," I said. He gestured towards the door. I left the classroom in silent tears.


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

All Because of the Stupid Monkey

October 6, 1996

I felt like have the Gryffindors were not talking to me, just because of the stupid essay Professor Snape assigned. The dirty looks I was getting just kept getting worse, especially when we learned that the Slytherins were excused from the assignment.

Hermione left dinner early tonight to study. I wasn't really in the mood for homework and I didn't want to go back to the common room so I decided to explore the castle. Once I reached the 4th floor I heard somebody cast the full body bind jinx. I ran toward the voice.

Neville from Herbology was flat on his back unable to move and that blonde Slytherin boy was standing over him laughing.

"Hey," I said loudly to get the blonde boy's attention. "Pendemonium," I said with a swish of my wand. The boy's eyes widened and he stated running around in circles like a ranting lunatic. I released Neville from his bind and held out my arm to help him up. "Are you okay," I asked him.

"Yeah, thank you, I-" Neville stopped in mid-sentence, suddenly looking terrified.

"What is going on here?" said a forbidding voice behind me.

I turned. "Professor Snape," I welcomed nervously. _Why did he have to be the one to catch me jinxing someone from his own house?_ He glowered at me for a moment then turned to the crazy looking boy.

"What have you done to Malfoy?" The professor asked me.

"Malfoy?" I asked; I was distracted by the death glare he was giving me.

"Draco Malfoy," He said loudly, pointing at the blonde boy.

"Oh, so that's his name," I gulped.

"He jinxed me, Professor," chimed in Neville, bravely, "and Alex helped me." He turned to Malfoy. "I'm not sure what she did." Snape shot Neville a piercing glance which seemed to make him lose all his nerve.

"Go Longbottom," Professor Snape said, as he focused his angry eyes back on me. Neville left, and I felt so alone. "What. Did. You. Do?" He whispered venomously, holding out each word so he sounded even more murderous.

I glanced over at Malfoy; he was shimmying as if attempting a strange Latin dance. "I made him think there is a monkey on his should, Sir," I said, trying desperately to keep a straight face.

"Do you find this amusing," Professor Snape asked me darkly.

Just at that moment Draco yelled. "It's got my ear!"

I felt the corners of my mouth twitch. "Kind of," I said repressing giggles .

"Make it right, now." He said this in a most quiet whisper, but I wish he would have shouted. I obeyed at once.

"The monkey?" said a very confused Draco.

"Go to you common room Draco," said Snape almost kindly. Then his eyes darkened. "As for you," he looked at me with so much hatred I was sure I would die from his gaze. "I cannot believe how much annoyance you have already caused me in such a small amount of time."

"Professor, Draco attacked Neville and I just-"

"Another fifty points from Gryffindor and a detention I think." That cruel unnatural smile was spread across his face again. I smiled to.

"Detention, with you?" I asked excitedly; just to make it perfectly clear. _A detention, _I thought happily, _why didn't I think about this before? Being alone with him, we could talk and maybe even bond. _I wondered if Professor Snape was familiar with the muggle band, Journey.

"Yes," he looked at me as if he was already regretting it. "Tomorrow my office, 9:00 sharp," he said firmly

"Will I be doing lines, Professor?" I asked

"No, lines are no uses to me," he said as the evil smile returned. "No, you will be gutting salamanders to feed to are next class, project," he paused, "without magic." _Wonderful_, I thought; so, gutting salamanders, not the most appealing task imaginable, but I wanted this detention.

And not even trying to hide my enthusiasm I said. "I can come in sooner if you'd like, Professor. That way I can get more done. I can do anything else after I'm finished with the salamanders. You could keep me in detention all day if I could be useful to you."

He just stared at me for a long moment. "Thank you for that _kind _offer," He said mirthlessly, "but frankly I would prefer to see as little of you as possible."

I looked at the ground. His words stung. "Yes professor." I walked away as quickly as I could._ I need to make him like me._

October 7, 1996

I knocked twice on his office door. "Come in," said Professor Snape's voice. I entered. he was sitting at his desk grading papers. He did not look up, but put a giant 'D' on the essay in front of him.

"Good morning," I said brightly.

"Get to work," he greeted as he pointed to a big buck of dead lizards on the floor near his desk.

"Poor salamanders," I said, badly trying to make conversation. He said nothing. I worked in silence, this was so disgusting. "Am I doing this okay?" I asked five minutes later as I held up a gutted lizard for the professor to see. He looked up from his papers and gave a swift nod and then went back to ignoring me.

Two hours had pasted and I was almost done, I didn't want to leave yet. So I worked extra slow. I walked to the desk with the full bucket of slimy, smelly, lizards. "I've finished professor."

"Fine, you may go," he said while not looking at me.

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Yes," He said still looking at his paper work; he put another fat 'D' on an essay.

"I could do something else," I said.

"Do you remember what I told you last night?" he asked as he failed Harry Potter's paper without reading it.

"Yes," I answered quietly. "You said that you want to spend as little time as possible with me." I felt a wave of sadness fall over me as I spoke.

"Need I be clearer?"

"But Professor," I said desperately. "I just thought that maybe you would want to get to know me, just as I want to get to know you." I was blushing, but it didn't matter because he was still not looking at me; though, I knew he was listening. "You are the only family I have left."

At last he looked up. He stared at me for a long time. I couldn't read his face. "I guess," he finally said. "That you thought wrong." My heart fell into my stomach. "On the contrary, I have not the slightest desire to 'get to know you'," he mocked. "To me you are nothing more than another irritating teenager that I am obligated to teach." Each word was like a bullet to the heart. "And in future," he continued as if he had not said enough already, "I would appreciate it for you to not associate yourself with me. We are not family.

I couldn't take it, I ran out of the room, tears blinding me. As soon as I closed the door I ran straight into someone. I fell backwards. I looked up to see who the poor, by-stander was that I had hit. Albus Dumbledore looked down at me with concern etched on his lined face. I stood slowly.

"Professor I-I'm so s-sorry." my sobs messed up my speech.

"What has happened to you," he said kindly.

I tried to smile through the sobs. "I'm f-fine, really, Professor." Dumbledore raised an eyebrow. "I'm…um just sad about the...salamanders," I answered not even bothering to come up with a convincing lie.

"The salamanders?" asked Dumbledore.

I felt my breathing steady. "Yes Sir. You see I was in detention with Professor…Snape and he had me gutting salamanders."

"And you have a love for salamanders?" Dumbledore humored.

"Yes Professor, I have a love for all lizards." I said

Dumbledore chuckled. "I see," he said "And what did you do to earn yourself a detention with Professor Snape?"

The sobs were almost gone. I smiled slightly, for I still found the situation funny. "I jinxed Draco Malfoy; I made him think there was a monkey on his shoulder."

Dumbledore laughed. "Well," he said "I cannot say that I have ever heard that one before. Now where did you find a jinx like that?"

"My little sister uses to use it on me all the time." I explained.

Dumbledore laughed again. "Now my guess is you are longing for some sunshine." I nodded. "I will not keep you from it then." He said and I heard him chuckle to himself as I left.

* * *

Professor Dumbledore Knocked on Professor Snape's office door, "You may enter," answered Snape's voice.

"Good day Severus," said Dumbledore cheerfully as he entered the room.

"How may I help you, Headmaster," answered Snape.

"Oh," said Dumbledore, "I merely came down to burrow a book from the library, when it occurred to me that we haven't spoken in a while."

Snape looked questionably at the headmaster, and then said, "You came down here _just_ to talk to me?" He emphasized the word _just_. Dumbledore never _just_ came to talk, there was always something.

"Precisely," said Dumbledore. Snape waited. "A curious thing happened to me on my way here."

"Oh?" said Snape who was arranging papers on his desk.

"Yes," said Dumbledore, "I met a very sad looking girl exiting your office."

Snape snarled. He now knew why Dumbledore was there.

"She is a very special young lady. Do you not agree, Severus?"

Snape did not answer, but shifted more papers on his desk.

Dumbledore spoke again. "The other staff find her very special, indeed. Horace tells me that she does very well at potions."

Snape stood from his desk, knowing the subject could no longer be avoided. "Headmaster," his tone was a forced calm, "It has nothing to do with the girl being special," he spat the last word.

"But, it does," said Dumbledore easily.

"I am very busy," Snape said coldly, turning away from Dumbledore, towards the paperwork he had already finished.

Professor Dumbledore's tone change; he suddenly grew serious. Severus, Lord Voldemort believes Alex Snape to be dead."

"Yes." Snape said, with his back still turned to the headmaster. He suddenly spun on the spot to face Dumbledore, his black robes whipping around his ankles. "You have still failed to explain to me why it is that she is still living." His calm voice became unsteady with frustration.

"Lord Voldemort, will learn of her survival," said Dumbledore mildly, with no intention of explaining anything.

Snape's jaw tightened, "he will."

"Then you see the problem?" Dumbledore asked.

"I do," Snape said darkly.

"Voldemort trust you, Severus, and we must keep it that way," said Dumbledore gravely, "That is why you must be the one to inform him of Alex's survival and soon."

A shadow seemed to fall over Snape's pallid face. He nodded.

"Now she is safe, while she is at Hogwarts," continued Dumbledore. "But after you have killed me-" Snape let out a humorless laugh, Dumbledore ignored him, "you will collect Alex from the orphanage where she lives during the summer and take her to the Order of the Phoenix. They will protect her."

"Why would you even bring her here if it put her in danger," Snape said with a note of desperation in his voice.

"She would have been in danger anywhere," said Dumbledore sadly.

"Why did you not take her straight to the Order?" Snape shouted.

"Because you need her, Severus," said Dumbledore simply.

"Excuse me?" Snape mused.

"You need her."

"What is that suppose to mean?" said Snape angrily.

"Love," said Dumbledore.

"How is that an answer?" Snape said angrily.

"What is life without love?" Dumbledore said, looking at Snape sadly. "You, Severus, have seen much more hatred and evil than one person should ever see in their life time." Snape stared at Dumbledore with a look of utter disgust on his face. "You should have seen more love. And she loves you, Severus. Of That I am most sure."

Snape's face grew stony, completely unreadable. "She does not love me," He whispered icily.

"Why do you find the matter so unbelievable?" questioned Dumbledore. Snape didn't answer. "She loves you."

"You are forgetting," Snape rolled up his sleeve, revealing the darkmark that had been branded on his left arm.

"I think that you will find Alex much more understanding than you would expect." Dumbledore stood. Snape looked up at Dumbledore waiting for him to elaborate. "Good day, Severus." And Dumbledore left, leaving Professor Snape alone with his thoughts.


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

His Heart

October 9, 1996

"Just tell him I'm sick or something," I told Hermione. She gave me a look of disapproval; as I informed her that I was flat out refuse to go to Defense Against the Dark Arts today. "Please," I pleaded.

Though she gave me about a thousand good reasons way I should not skip class, she finally agreed and left me alone in the common room. I knew that I would have to face him sooner or later, but I was choosing later.

I could not just go sit in his classroom and act like was fine after what he said to me. I hated myself for showing him how weak I was. After I left his detention I went over and over things I my head, trying to figure out what I did wrong. I decided that it was not me; it was him.

I wondered what Professor Snape would do when I didn't show up for class. He would probably be happy I wasn't there or as close to happy as Professor Snape was capable of. I could just imagine him standing there triumphantly with his gross greasy hair and horrible malevolence smile, revealing his yellowed teeth. He was disgusting and not just on the outside.

As I thought back I couldn't even believe that I ever wanted him as a family. How could I have been so stupid? It was clear to me now that Professor Snape could never be my family, because he was completely mean, heartless and so incapable of love. I hated him.

_Damn it, Damn it, Damn it_, I thought as I stood stuck in a trick stair. Honestly, all I wanted to do was go down to dinner, but nothing can be easy at Hogwarts. I got out my wand hastily.

"Rendio," I said confidently, pointing my wand at the step. Nothing happened. I tried yanking my foot out, knowing full well that the stair was as solid as ever. "Tredium," I tried again, nothing. "Lendium, ferdio, Sendus," I brandished my wand feverously, but I might as well have been waving a common twig with all the good it was doing me. Again I tried pulling my foot out. "What is your problem?" I yelled angrily at the step.

"Shouting at it is not going to get you out," said a jeering voice behind me. I didn't turn around to look at him, nor do I think my wooden capture would have allowed it. I didn't want to see his smirk as he looked down at my helplessness.

"I've tried vanishing it, and transfiguring it every way I know how," I said bitterly, chewing on my tough. "There must be something I'm missing," I wrenching my leg up, I was still ensnared by the stupid step.

I felt a swish of cloak as Professor Snape move in front of me, skipping over the trick stair. I looked down at my trapped foot. "You are not ill," he said soberly.

"I am," I said still refusing to look at him.

"Liar," he hissed at me.

And I finally looked up, glaring at him, taking care to throw him the most sinister look I could muster. "How would you know, you can't use legilimency against me?" My words came out sharp and cold, I didn't sound like myself.

"Manners," He said mutinously in response to my insolence. "May I remind you, that I am a teacher."

"Forgive me," I said with the same ruthless tone. "How would you know, Professor?"

"Your mind may be closed, but you are as easy to read as a book," he spat. Silence fell as we exchanged looks of contempt. Finally he said. "That step," he gestured at my trapped foot, "cannot be undone by magic."

"Excuse me?" I said indignantly.

"There are no magical means of getting you out from there." The professor said this straight facedly, but I could tell that he was enjoying himself immensely. He waited. I knew he wanted me to ask for his help, like I would give him the satisfaction.

"Of course there isn't," I said pertinently. "Professor, did the Hogwarts founders just sit together thinking of interesting ways to annoy students?"

"I think," said Professor Snape after a moment, "the point of this," he gestured to the step, "is to make students help each other."

_You got to be kidding me._"So you're saying that the only way for me to get free from this stupid stair, is to ask for help?" I wanted to travel back in time, because someone seriously needed to be hexed.

"Correct," He said with an evil sneer.

"Oh," I said glancing behind me to see if anyone else was coming, nobody was.

Professor Snape just stood there, drumming his fingers on the banister. I crossed my arms stubbornly. "Well, you could ask," he said after a minute or two.

I looked behind me again to make sure I had no other choice. "Will you help me," I asked brusquely.

"Nicely," he hissed. I squinted at him. He waited. I crossed my arms even tighter across my chest. "So be it then," he sneered and began to walk off.

I took a deep breath, "Wait." He stopped in his tracks. With his back still turned to me I said, "will you help me…please, Professor?" Wordlessly he turned on the spot and held out his arm to me, and sure enough as soon as I accepted it, I felt the wood around my ankle loosen its hold. The professor pulled me out. "Thank you," I said curtly and started to leave.

"With that attitude, people will assume that you do not want to be here," Professor Snape said coldly.

I spun around, "They'd be right," I said viciously. "I don't want to be here. I want to be at home with my parents and sister." My voice began to weaken. My gaze fell to the floor as I continued. "Maybe I should just leave and then at least you would be happy." I left.

* * *

"…insolent…infuriating… no respect for-"

"Good evening Severus."

Snape immediately stopped his aimless pacing and turned on the spot. Albus Dumbledore stood smiling in the doorway. "Don't you knock?" Snarled Snape venomously.

"Oh, but I did. I thought I heard you give me permission to enter," said Dumbledore pleasantly." Snape scowled at the old man; hating everything about him. "But since you are looking at me in a way that suggests tremendous disbelieve of why I have so rudely trespass upon are privacy, I am forced to assume that I was mistaken.

"You were," Snape confirmed disdainfully.

"Oh I do hope you will forgive me," said Dumbledore as he made himself comfortable in an armchair near Snape's desk. Snape turned his back to the headmaster trying to stop himself from saying something he might regret later. "Since I'm here, tell me Severus, who is insolent, infuriating and has no respect."

"That girl," said Snape through clenched teeth.

"What girl, Severus?" The headmaster asked calmly.

Snape wiped around. "You know perfectly well, what girl, Alex Snape," as he said her name his expression grew darker.

"And what is it she has done," said Dumbledore somberly.

Snape didn't answer. _What hasn't she done?_ It was bad enough that he had one more person to look after and worry about. She, like Potter, had no respect for him and what he was doing. But she put a new twist on the matter; she was making him feel guilty. Guilty can you believe that. _All these ignorant children complaining about how unfair they have it, they need to open their eyes and notice that they are not the only ones who have it bad._

"Well," Dumbledore prompted.

"She is an Insufferable brat." Snape said stiffly

"Surely you do not think that."

"Oh don't I?" Snape said angrily

"You are alone in your opinions, Severus," said Dumbledore somewhat wearily. "I have heard only praise on her performances in her lessons; she has proven herself to be very well-mannered and intelligent."

"She is an irrevocable know-it-all."

"Personally I find her to be a delightful young lady," Dumbledore said earnestly

"Delightful," Snape repeated sarcastically.

Dumbledore eyed him thoughtfully. "You do not hate your cousin, Severus. On the contrary I believe you like her very much."

"What gives you that impression," Snape hissed murderously.

"Oh," said Dumbledore surreptitiously, "How could you hate someone who cares so much about you."

"Cares so much about me," Snape mocked. "I saw Alex no more than ten minutes ago, and I assure you, Dumbledore, all she cares about is being a pain in my side.

"And I assure you that that girl care as much for you as you do for her. Do not interrupt me, Severus," Dumbledore said sternly, for Snape showed all the sides of protest. "Forgive me, but for the sake of the argument, we will have to admit, that though you are a very capable wizard, my intellect exceeds yours. Therefore, we can conclude that I am right in saying that you are frightened-"

"Frightened," Snape said wildly, his tone full of disgust. "And what exactly do I have to be frightened of."

"Yes, frightened, Severus." Dumbledore stood from his chair. "You are afraid to let anyone near you heart.

"MY HEART!" Snape yelled, his eyes flashed with anger. "And what would you know of my heart?" Snape gripped at the front of his own robes, he didn't even think he had a heart anymore.

Dumbledore stared straight into the face of Severus Snape, surveying him so closely it was a wonder Snape did not recoil. "I know that you need her." He started for the door. "It is you heart, Severus, you alone can choose what to do with it." Dumbledore left the office, leaving Snape, who was still clutching at his chest, alone. Thump, thump, thump, thump, it was still there.

* * *

I sat in an empty corridor; I wasn't in the mood for dinner anymore. _I guess the sight of Professor Snape made me lose my appetite. _I smiled cruelly to myself. _What would I like to do to Severus Snape? _I thought viciously. _Poisoning him might be a bit much. _My smile widened. _The bat boggy hex could be appropriate. Or I rather think Professor Snape would make an excellent cockroach. _I let out a small laugh._ If only I could. _"Well, I could." I said quietly to myself, tightening my fingers around my wand. _But would I?_ I thought about this for a minute, _No, I wouldn't._

I got up and started walking towards the library. Did I really hate Professor Snape? _Well I was just fantasizing about his doom_. But truthfully, I really didn't believe I hated him. I mean wasn't it I who had been rude to him last. Compared to our other encounters, he was perfectly civil. _At least I didn't run away crying this time,_ I though.

Thud, I fell backwards onto the hard stone floor. I looked up nervously. Again I had run straight into Albus Dumbledore, who had been walking in front of me for who knows how long. He turned. I stood, blushing all the while.

"I'm so sorry, Professor. I didn't mean to run it to you," the blush deepened, "again."

The professor laughed heartily, he seemed completely unscathed by the collision. "No harm done. It is difficult to concentrate on ones surroundings when you are so deeply absorbed in your own thoughts." He said understandingly. "I find myself a culprit of the same offence on numerous occasions." He smiled at me. "Though perhaps I should have warned you of my presence, but I didn't want to disturb what could have very well been a world renowned epiphany."

I smiled. Dumbledore was just one of those people that always make you feel relaxed. "I wouldn't call it an epiphany, sir." I laughed at the thought of my own evil fantasies.

"And where are you off to on this fine evening?" Dumbledore asked.

"The library, I have some homework that I need to get finished up."

"I too am on my way to the library." Dumbledore said conversationally. "Now tell me are you familiar with The Tales of Beetle the Bard?" He asked, holding up a tattered old copy of the book.

"No, I'm afraid not, Professor," I said. I knew they were wizard fairytales, and yes my mom was a witch, but she wanted to keep us as _normal_ as possible, so she read my sister and I Cinderella. Though, after our bedtime story she would turn out the lights with her wand. My family was far from _normal_, but It was typical for Mom to tried and keep us as muggle-ish as possible, for Dad's sake. But then she would just turn around and teach Sidney and me how to make our Barbies fly around our room. It didn't matter though, my dad loved magic. I smiled to myself.

"No, I suppose not," Dumbledore said kindly. We walked passed Professor Snapes classroom. I tried very hard not to look at it, which probably just made it more obvious what I was thinking about. "I was just with Professor Snape," Dumbledore told me.

"Oh," I said awkwardly.

"Indeed," said Dumbledore. "And he mentioned you."

_Great, _I thought, _just perfect. _"Oh," I said again quietly. I wanted to assure Dumbledore that anything Professor Snape told him is completely untrue, but then again, I was not so sure.

"I know he is very fond of you," Dumbledore guaranteed.

I stopped walking, Dumbledore did too. "With all due respect, sir, I really don't think Professor Snape is fond of anyone much."

"He is fond of you." I let out a small humorless chuckle. Dumbledore considered me for a moment and then said. "Some people, Professor Snape being one of them, have a hard time expressing their emotions." I looked at him intently. _So lucky me, the only family I have left is emotionally constipated. _"And those are the people who need the most compassion and love," Dumbledore concluded.

I thought for a minute about what he was telling me."So, Sir," I started hesitantly. "Do you mean that I should be extra nice to Professor Snape?" _Because I know that I already tried that and if I remember correctly it did not turn out to well._

Dumbledore looked at me for a rather long time. I shuttered. I felt as though I was being x-rayed. "Yes," he finally said, "that is exactly what I mean." _Really, _I though_, just because I've decided not to hex him does not mean I want to become best buddies now._ I looked blankly up at Dumbledore. "Will You?"

I took a deep breath. "I will," I said.

"Very good," he said happily, and then suddenly his manner changed. He looked at me seriously "Alex, I'm going to tell you something that I want you to always remember." I nodded. "Trust is a very valuable thing. Some people do not deserve it, but others do. The guilty are sometimes the innocent and nothing is ever as it may appear."

"I don't understand, Sir." I said feeling like I was missing something extremely important.

"Oh, you will in due course," he said pleasantly, "goodnight." He smiled and walked away in the opposite direction of the library.


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Being Nice

October 10, 1996

_Be nice to Professor Snape. Why, what is the point? I guess it all comes down to if I trust Dumbledore's judgment, and I do. But, in my opinion the nice thing to do would be to leave him alone. I'm sure that is what Professor Snape would prefer, yet I highly doubt that is what Dumbledore meant. _I glanced at Professor Snape, who was just glaring at his oatmeal. _I wonder what he is thinking about. _I thought as I watched him out of the corner of my eye. _He looks rather angry about something…or someone. And unless his breakfast just insulted him, I can bet who that someone is, but what else is new? _

"Alex, hey Alex, are you listening to me."

I stopped spying on Professor Snape and turned to look at Hermione, who apparently had been trying to talk to me for the last couple of minutes. "What?" I said in a perplexed tone.

"Did you hear what I said?" Hermione looked at me sternly.

"Yes," I lied.

"What did I say?" She asked with raised eyebrows.

I looked at her blankly for a moment. "I'm sorry Hermione, what did you say?"

She rolled her eyes. "I was only wondering if you wanted to know what you missed yesterday in Defense Against the Dark Arts."

I felt really lousy about not paying attention to her when she was just trying to be helpful. I smiled at her somewhat guiltily. "Thanks Hermione, yeah, I would like to know what I missed."

"Are you planning on going to class tomorrow?"_ I better since I promised Dumbledore I would be nice to Professor Snape, _I thought bitterly_._

"Yes," I said shiftily. "I'm sorry about that,"

"It's alright," she said. "I'll fill you in during break."

I beamed at her. "Thank you so much."

"You're welcome," she said kindly and then began talking to the red haired girl on her other side.

I peered at Dumbledore in the middle of the staff table. He appeared to be deep in conversation with Professor McGonagall, but as soon as my gaze fell upon him, he glanced in my direction. _Be nice to Professor Snape, right._ And throwing caution to the winds I got up and started towards the head table.

"Good morning, Professor Snape." I said sweetly. He slowly looked up from his bowl. I smiled widely at him. He just stared at me. His look was forbidding. I knew he thought I was either making fun of him or just trying to be a pain. And to be perfectly honest I was trying to accomplish both. The other teachers had all gone silent. I glanced at Professor Dumbledore, who was staring intently in the other direction, smiling to himself.

"Aren't you going to say good morning back?" said McGonagall to Professor Snape. Her tone immensely reminded me of a mother trying to teach her two year old good manners. Snape gave her a look so deadly, I half expected McGonagall to die right then and there. But instead she said, "Well?"

His eyes were on me again and I was trying to look innocent and not as though I was thoroughly enjoying myself. He looked like he was going to explode. _Maybe this was just too much kindness for Professor Snape to take all at once. _I waited

"Good morning," he said through clenched teeth.

I smiled even wider at him. I was really quite impressed that he was able to keep from shouting. "Well, I guess all see you later then," I said brightly. "Bye Professor." And I walked away rather pleased with myself.

November 1996

I continued to be nice to Professor Snape; although, I did not approach him at the staff table anymore; I didn't think I could survive anything so dangerous again. I quickly learnt not to expect any kindness in return from Professor Snape. On the contrary the nicer I was to him the meaner he was to me.

I never talked out of turn in this class; I only raised my hand quietly, not that he ever called on me. I said hello to him pleasantly every time we met, which became almost never because he stopped coming to meals and never seemed to be in the halls. So I only saw Professor Snape in class, when he was forced be in the same room as me. He always ignored my friendly greetings; in fact, he stopped talking to me all together. The only time he actually acknowledged my existence was when he was taking role call in his class. He would just read out the name 'Snape,' with his lips contorted into an awful grimace and I would say 'present,' and it would all be over. I was beginning to think that Dumbledore was using me as a ploy to annoy Professor Snape; if he was, it was certainly working.


	8. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

What Family

**Authors Note:** _Somethings are being revealed in this chapter about the mystery behind Alex's family's death and why she survived. More about this subject will be uncovered in later chapters I promise (just in case you thought I was being rather ambiguous). Please keep reading and I hope you enjoy chapter 7._

_-Thora Jane _

December 10, 1996

_It is so quiet._ I could hear the snowflakes landing on the ledge of my dormitory window. I was so bored_. _I started for the door. _I wish I could have gone too. _I was not allowed to go to Hogsmead with the other students, even though I was 17.I walked slowly down the spiral staircase. Professor McGonagall informed me two days ago that I was to stay behind and not leave the school grounds under any circumstance. She did not give me a reason why I could not go, but she didn't have to. I knew very well why; so I didn't even bother arguing. _But really what would I have done in Hogsmead anyway? _I left through the portrait hall. _I mean people are probably just working on their Christmas shopping. _I made my way aimlessly through the corridors. _And who would I have to shop for? _A rush of pain ran through my body. I use to love shopping for Christmas. _But seeing that I have no family,_Professor Snape's face flashed to the front of my mind, _I have no family. _

_And no friends,_ sure Hermione and I do homework together sometimes, but we are not closes.I thought of my best friend Kristina from back home. I wondered how she would react to getting a Christmas present from a friend she believed to be died. _Maybe, it would have been better if I really had died that night. _

I often wondered what they put in the coffin; because obviously they were one body short. All I was told was that everything had been _taken care of_ for my safety; taken care of, so that everyone thought that I die along with them, as I should have done.

I also wondered what it was like at the funeral. Did a pastor declare that we had all gone to a better place? I wanted to go to the funeral, but if I did people might have started singing hallelujah for I had just risen from the dead. I saw the grave stones though.

They were all bright and new, in a neat little row, one right next to the other. They all stated our names and dates of birth and death. When people saw them, they might wonder what had happened to make four people die on the same day.

On my tomb stone it read 'beloved friend, daughter and sister.' I personally thought I had failed at all of those things. I had not spoken to my friends in ages and how beloved could a daughter be if she was responsible for the deaths of both her parents. And I was supposed to look after my little sister and I didn't do it.

And now I was failing Dumbledore too. I had stopped attempting to _be nice _to Professor Snape, it was not getting me anywhere; he hated it and I hated it more. I felt a bit like a quitter, but I was fighting a losing battle. Professor Snape was just as mean and coldhearted as ever; he was still completely incapable of love or compassion and there was nothing I could do to change that. _Who was I trying to kid anyway; he would never want to be my family._

I walked down to the entrance hall; the emptiness of the school seemed to be mocking me. The first and second years, who were too young to go to Hogsmead, were not even in the castle; they were outside playing in the snow. I began walking back to the common room.

_Maybe I'll just go to sleep or something, _I thought dryly as I stepped through the portrait hall again. But as soon as I entered the common room I found it to no longer be deserted.

A house elf or I assumed that's what it was, was cleaning vigorously. The little creature was so concentrated on its work that it didn't even notice I was there.

"Oh, hello," I said unsurely. It gave a little jump of surprise. "Sorry," I told it, "I didn't mean to startle you."

"Oh no Miss," said the house-elf. "I was not knowing anyone was there." Its voice was high pitched and squeaky. I looked at the house elf curiously. I wasn't entirely sure but I think it was a he. It was hard to tell. The creature had huge tennis ball shaped eyes, bat like ears and long pointed nose. Not only was his general appearance an odd one, but he was also wearing an unusual assortment of clothing.

He wore a pair of patched overalls that were just short enough to reveal his colorful mismatch socks. On his head he wore, what appeared to be a tea cozy. I suddenly snapped out of it, realizing that I had been gawking at the poor elf.

"Sorry," I said kindly. I crouched a bit so that we could be at eye level. "I'm Alex, Alex Snape." I held out my hand for him. The house-elf looked from my face to my out stretched hand several times before actually taking it.

"I is Dobby, Miss. Dobby the house-elf," said the house-elf.

"Nice to meet you," I said sweetly. Dobby stared fixedly at me for a moment before bursting into hysterical tears. _What have I done? _"Dobby," I said hastily. "I'm really sorry. Did I do something to offend you?"

Dobby continued to wail, unable to speak. "I'm sorry, Dobby," I said again, guilt filling me. I waited as he slowly started to calm himself down.

Finally his breathing slowed and he said, "Dobby, is not offended, Miss."

"Then why were you crying?" I asked perplexedly

"Dobby is crying because not many people is nice to Dobby, Miss," the house-elf explained. Hermione had told me about this. How witches and wizards enslave house-elves. I suddenly felt more sympathy towards her SPEW organization.

"Dobby," I start timidly, "are you alright."

"Dobby is alright now, Miss." He assured me.

I was silent, I didn't know what to say to a house-elf.

"Is you a relation to Professor Snape, Miss," Dobby asked me.

"Technically," I said with a little eye roll. "I'm his cousin, but don't let that turn you against me."

Dobby's abnormally enormous eyes widened as he gaped at me, making me feel a little uncomfortable. "But Dobby likes Professor Snape."

"Really?" I asked. I wondered if house-elves usually liked to play practical jokes on people.

"Yes, Miss. Professor Snape is very nice to Dobby."

I stare blankly at a spot right above Dobby's head. "Are we talking about the same Professor Snape?"

I think that I gave Dobby the impression that I was a bit slow. "Yes, Dobby thinks so, Miss. Professor Snape who is teaching here at Hogwarts."

"That's the one," I said.

"Is you not liking your Professor, Miss?" Dobby asked.

"I is- I mean," I paused for a moment. "I like him fine, but it is him who has a problem with me."

"Dobby likes Professor Snape very much, Miss."

"So when you say he's nice to you…" I trailed off.

"He is talking to Dobby about things, Miss, when Dobby brings fire wood into his office." Dobby told me.

"What kinds of things do you talk about, Dobby?" I asked him.

"Professor Snape always asks Dobby how Dobby's day is."

"Really?" I asked again. This seemed so out of character for Professor Snape. _Is there a side to him that I don't know about? _I thought.

"Yes, Miss," Dobby said slowly, "always."

"Is that all?"

"No," said Dobby, "Dobby is asking Professor Snape about his day too."

"And what does he say?" I asked.

Dobby thought about this for a moment. "He is telling Dobby that it is almost tolerable, Miss." _Now that sounds more like the Professor Snape I'm familiar with._

"Does he ever mention me?" I asked feeling foolish.

"No, Miss," Dobby said. "We is only talking about our days."

"Oh," I said disappointment heavy in my tone.

"Miss," said Dobby. "I is happy to hear that Professor Snape has a family."

I look at Dobby with a loss for words.


	9. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Katie's Curse

It was almost dark now and people became spilling back into the common room, talking, laughing and in general just making a bunch of noise. Frankly, I was not in the mood for people right now; I had a lot on my mind.

I was about to leave and go into my dormitory, when Neville came running up to me; his round face etched with distress.

"What's wrong," I asked, wondering if I might need to teach Draco Malfoy a lesson again.

"Its Katie Bell," he answered.

The name sounded familiar. "The Gryffindor quidditch player?" I asked.

"Yes," said Neville, "she's been cursed."

"Cursed?"

"Yes, In Hogsmead. They are saying that she touched a necklace or something and that is how she got the curse.

I looked around the room; it seemed that more people were being informed about Katie, for the laughter had stopped and everybody's faces were of shock and concern. Then I noticed a girl walking in to the common room, I recognized her to be Katie's friend, silent tears were streaming down her face and ignoring everybody, she sat in an arm chair next to the fire and buried her face in her hands.

"What happened to Katie, Neville?" I asked nervously.

"No one knows for sure," he told me. "She has been taken to St. Mungo's hospital."

"Madam Pomfrey, couldn't help her?"

"No," said Neville, "she was really bad."

I wondered who had done this and why. Did someone have something against the Gryffindor quidditch team, a Slytherin perhaps? One thing I did know was, it couldn't have been Draco Malfoy, because he had a detention with McGonagall today and didn't go to Hogsmead. Not even Malfoy could be capable of such evil as this.

**A/N: Dear Readers,**

**I know this chapter is shamefully short but I promise that tomorrow I will post the next one. Thank you for reading.**

***Thora Jane**

**P.S. **

**I would really love to hear your opinion of the story so far. Even if you really hate it or just have a question, I would really appreciate your review.**


	10. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Christmas

December 24, 1996

I walked through the doors of the great hall. It was like walking into a true winter wonderland. Enchanted snow fell from the ceiling and huge decorated trees lined the walls. I was also surprised to find that all the house tables were gone. One smaller table sat lonely in the middle of the hall. Most people didn't stick around after the end of term; they have their families to return to, but not me.

Smack. I dropped the small package I was holding. I turned around to see who had just so rudely run into me. It was Draco Malfoy. He sniggered as I bent to retrieve the parcel. _So it looks like it is just Malfoy, me and all the teachers, merry Christmas, _I thought bitterly.

I followed Draco as he walked towards the table. When we reached it, Professor Dumbledore smiled welcomingly to the both of us and gestured to some seats. I sat. Malfoy was to my left and Professor Trelawney was to my right.

"It would have been a pity to use the house tables with so few of us." Professor Dumbledore told Draco and me. I looked up and down the table twice, until my eyes fell on the empty seat on one side of Dumbledore and then to the festively wrapped gift in my hand. Professor Dumbledore seemed to notice this. "Severus should be joining us shortly," he told Professor McGonagall out of the blue, a little louder than necessary. I placed the parcel underneath my chair.

And sure enough, a moment later Professor Snape skulks into the hall. "Ah, Severus we were just talking about you," Dumbledore smiled at Snape. Professor Snape Scowled. "Well, anticipating your arrival, actually," Dumbledore informed. Snape walked awkwardly to his place. And as soon as he sat I remembered how hungry I was.

The gold plates in front of us magically became heavy will delicious food.

The evening started out extremely awkward. The teachers attempt to make forced conversation with Malfoy and me about lessons. It soon became clear to me that they were trying exceptionally hard not to stray from school related topics. I assumed this was to avoid bringing up the fact that my family was murdered and that Draco's father was spending his holiday season in Azkaban.

"And, how do you like Hogwarts, Alexandra?" Professor Sprout asked me kindly.

"It's Alex, I think, Pomona," Snape said roughly to Professor Sprout.

"Excuse me?" Professor Sprout asked him.

"You prefer to be called Alex, do you not?" Professor Snape asked me.

I felt my face going red. "I do prefer Alex," I told him as the color in my face deepened. I turned to Professor Sprout, "But, Alexandra is fine." The atmosphere suddenly became thick. "Um," I started remembering that I hadn't yet answered Professor Sprout's question. "I like it here at Hogwarts very much."

"What was your magical training like before coming to Hogwarts?" Professor Flitwick, the charms teacher asked.

"Um…well, my mom used to home school me on weekends and holidays, because I usually attended…muggle school." I finished feeling completely embarrassed. I heard Malfoy let out a little cough beside me. _Jerk. _Images from Malfoy's unfortunate monkey incident entered my thoughts, making me feel much happier.

"An extraordinary witch such as yourself only studying on weekends," Slughorn said flabbergasted. "You should have seen what she brewed up for me, last potions lesson." Slughorn told the staff excitedly. "Potions talent must run in the family, ay, Severus." The potions master nudged Professor Snape in the side playfully. Snape throw Slughorn a look that plainly said, _if you touch me again I will curse you into oblivion. _But of course this didn't faze Slughorn. I sunk in my chair as he continued to praise me heartily.

After a few more minutes of this unique kind of torture, Draco obviously had had enough and got up and left without a single word. Whatever my feelings were towards him, I was sorry he had gone. I felt completely foolish sitting there, the only student among adults.

"So," spoke up Professor Trelawney trying to break the silence which was brought upon by Malfoy's sudden departure. "So," she said again in her usual misty tone, "Tell us of your gift of," she paused for dramatic effect, "Antilegilimency."

I blinked. "I wouldn't call it a gift, Professor," I said softly. _It is more like a curse,_ I though cynically.

Professor Trelawney stared at me curiously, waiting for me to elaborate. There was not much more to say, so I remained silent.

Finally after what seemed to be a life time of wordlessness and blinding stares of confusion from everyone at the table, Dumbledore spoke. "Ah, what is wanted by others is never needed by the one who possesses it." I smiled at him gratefully.

After that, the night went more smoothly. You could have actually said that I had fun. There were popper and cheerful Christmas carols. I was having such a good time; in fact, I had almost forgotten the package that I had set underneath my chair.

Everyone had bid each other a happy Christmas and good night. The hall was nearly empty when I remembered. "Professor Snape," I called out as he headed towards the exit. He turned on the spot and I ran up to him carrying the Christmas present that I made.

"What is it," he asked with obvious annoyance in his tone.

"This is for you," I said holding out the parcel wrapped in green and silver paper. He glared at it for a long time before actually talking it from me. He started towards the door again. "Professor," I said as I followed quickly behind him, "wait."

He completely ignored me and walked in hurried strides through the entrance hall, his black robes swishing behind him. I continued to follow the professor as he entered a deserted classroom. As soon as I was inside he shut the door. The room was pitch black. I felt a bit unsafe.

"Do you take pleasure in causing me irritation?" He hissed at me through the darkness.

I thought about this for a second, "yes," I answered truthfully, "I do." I knew he must have been scowling. I lit my wand. I was right.

"What exactly is it that you want from me," he said as he ignited his wand as well.

I looked into his face, wondering if he was really as irritated as he was letting on. "I wanted to make sure that you opened your Christmas present." I told him.

I really was sincerely worried that the moment he reached his office he would throw the parcel away. And by the look of disgust on his face, I guessed that my suspicions were correct.

"Would you like me to open it now?" He asked his tone annoyance.

"Okay."

He eyed me carefully before slowly unwrapping the paper.

"Did you make this?" He asked holding up the green scarf. It wasn't a question, more like a mockery.

I nodded, looking at the misshapen scarf that I was so proud of. "You don't have to wear it," I told him angrily.

"I wasn't planning on it," he assured me.

"I just thought I could have brought some color into your wardrobe." I pointed out mordantly.

He grimaced. "Why didn't you use magic?" He asked me sharply, gesturing towards the distorted scarf. "Or is your spell work just sloppy."

I looked at him for a look moment trying to think of something hurtful to say, but I couldn't think of anything. "I just wanted you to have a Christmas present and I didn't use magic because I thought it might mean more, but that was stupid; I see that now. What was I thinking anyway?" I didn't really feel angry, just frustrated with my own stupidity in thinking that Professor Snape would ever desire a green, knitted scarf. "Merry Christmas, Professor," I said softly as I left the classroom. I walked slowly back to my common room, wishing that I still believed in Santa Claus.

December 25, 1996

_Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, _I sang in my head as I slept. A clock chimed somewhere in the distance, it was officially Christmas day. I shifted in my sleep; the fire in the common room was so soothing. _Thud!_

I sat bolt upright, my wand raised. It wasn't Santa Claus, but Professor Snape beside the tree. I did not lower my wand. By the looks of it, it seemed that he had run into an armchair in the dimly lit room.

"Put that thing away." he ordered viciously. I glared at him, but obeyed never the less and lowered my wand slowly. "What are you doing down here?" _I have every right to be here, you git,_ I thought venomously.

"What are _you_ doing here?" I asked rudely. He looked at me as if he were asking himself the exact same question. "I was reading and I fell asleep," I said saving him the trouble of answering.

He knelt down to pick up the book that had fallen on the floor. "A text book?" he mused as he held up my copy of Confronting the Faceless.

"Yeah, I was studying for your next exam, Professor." I paused for a moment, wondering why _again_ I was trying to impress him. "Did you know that none of the unforgivable curses will work on hummingbirds, their brains are formed in a certain way, not allowing the curses to work properly?" It was not something from my text book, just a random fact that I found interesting. _Why am I telling him this? _I thought,_ now he is aware of two creatures whose brains don't work right. _

He considered me for a moment. "I am aware of that." He lied convincingly. "You may or may not remember, that I am in fact the defense against the dark arts teacher," said Professor Snape sarcastically.

"Why are you here?" I asked somewhat wearily.

"We may not be in a lesson, but you are still expected to show a bit of respect." The professor hissed.

I took a few cleansing breaths, to keep myself from losing it. "Forgive me, Professor." I said with a forced calm. "Would you please tell me…why you are here…please?" I waited.

"Here," he held something out to me. I took it. It was a small, black, velvet box. "It's a Snape family heirloom." He looked disgusted with himself. "And I have no use for it, nor do I in any way want it," he explained. "But I thought maybe you would…like it." He concluded furtively

I smiled slightly. "Is it like a present," I asked him.

"No."

"Should I open it now," I said, imitating him from earlier.

"It makes no difference to me," he said as he began to leave.

"Don't you want to see me open it?"

"Not particularly." Professor Snape said with his back to me.

"Thank you," I called out just before he slammed the portrait hall entrance shut behind him.

I ran my fingers over the smooth little box. I opened it slowly and gasped. Inside was a golden ring with a single, yet very large ruby in the middle. My eyes widened as I looked at it and my heartbeat was out of control. I carefully placed it on my ring finger and admired it in the light from the fire, smiling to myself.


	11. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

In a Different Light

December 25, 1996

"Don't," Myrtle simpered. "Don't cry." The boy beside her let out a definite wail and sunk lower on to the bathroom floor. "It will be all right."

"No it won't." The boy managed to say between sobs. "He is going to kill me."

Myrtle was not sure who the boy was talking about, nor did she care. "Who would want to hurt you?" She said as she greedily took in the boys features. Something about his handsome sleek blonde hair and his grey washed eyes made her feel alive again, well in a manner of speaking.

"You don't understand." the boy moaned.

"Tell me then," Myrtle pressed. How she longed to hold him in her arms and comfort him. "I am a good listener."

The boy could not speak, but continued to cry uncontrollably.

* * *

I moved through the halls happily, comforted by the slight weight on my finger. I thought I might walk to the library. Which happens to be conveniently located near Professor Snape's classroom, where he just might be grading papers? I started to hum to myself rather loudly.

I hadn't slept at all last night. I was too busy analyzing Professor Snape's actions. And I had blissfully concluded that Professor Snape, no matter how stubborn he may be, and no matter how much he hated himself for it, he really does like me deep, _deep_ down.

Suddenly I heard something that completely drove my cousin out of my mind. It sounded like a dying animal. I listen carefully to hear where the sound was coming from, the boy's bathroom.

I opened the door a sliver and peered inside.

"Please don't cry," said Moaning Myrtle, the ghost who haunted a bathroom on an upper level. I looked through her to see none other than Draco Malfoy, practically lying on the lavatory floor, sobbing. Tears streamed from his tightly shut eyes. His expression was full of pain.

Without a second thought I marched straight in there. As soon as I entered Myrtle started screaming for me to go away and Draco shot up like a bullet, wand raised. His eyes were bright red and sobs still escaped his mouth. I slowly took out my wand and placed it carefully on the tiled floor. _I'm such an idiot, _I thought, ignoring all may common sense.

I began to approach him, completely defenseless. My breath became heavy, I felt naked without my wand. I was right in front of him now. He moved his wand arm, I flinched, but he stored his wand safely in his robes.

"What are you doing here," he said hotly?

I didn't answer. I wasn't actually sure what I was doing. I walked into one of the stalls and brought back a wad of tissue paper and handed it to him. He gave me a red eyed look of suspicion before blowing his nose. _What could possibly have happened to make Malfoy this upset?_ Myrtle let out a final scream and dived into the nearest toilet.

I had no idea what to do or say, the awkwardness of this situation was unbelievable.

"Draco," I said with no real intention of say anything more.

"What?" he almost shouted. He clenched his teeth and breathed through his nostrils deeply. Even though he looked horribly angry, tears still poured down his pale cheeks. He looked so broken and scared, definitely different from the boy who had cursed Neville.

"I-" I started but was at a loss for words. I took his hand and slowly lead him back to sit on the floor. I took off my purple backpack and set it on the floor between us.

We didn't talk nor did we look at each other. I could hear him flicking involuntarily at the zipper on my bag. I wrapped my arms around my knees, listening to his breathing slow.

I wasn't going to offer words of comfort, not that I could have thought of any and I wasn't going to ask what was wrong or if he would be okay, because it was none of my business. We just sat there together, quietly. And after what seemed to be hours, he got up and walked away.


	12. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Feel Nothing

January 5, 1997

I had not see Draco or Professor Snape since Christmas and I had the burning suspicion that they were avoiding me, for they were not attending meals or venturing the castle at all. Actually, I had not seen much of anyone, except perhaps Dobby the house-elf and after being so devoid of company during the Christmas holiday I was always more than happy to discuss his beloved sock collection.

Though lonely as my holiday might have been, my time alone gave me an opportunity to think. I thought about my cousin a little, but to my surprise I thought about Professor Snape less than I had in months. Lately my thoughts had mainly surrounded around Draco Malfoy and what had happened in the boy's lavatory on Christmas day, if anything really happened at all.

I thought about him so much, in fact, that I dreamt about him every night since, and it was always the same dream.

In the dream Draco and I were in the boy's bathroom again, except this time he was laughing and I was laughing too. Then suddenly we both stop. Then Draco slowly closes the space there is between us. He strokes my cheek and tells me that he really likes me and then I wake up.

I yawned as I walked through the doors of Professor Snape's classroom; I was nervous about today and did not sleep well at all. This would be the first time I have seen my cousin since Christmas, since he gave me the present. This would also be the first time I was seeing Draco. I wondered if he would talk to me today or if I should talk to him. Or maybe he just wanted to forget all that had happened between us. _Did anything happen between us?_

I scanned the room. And there he was. Immediately his eyes found mine. He's expression was placid as he watched me walk to my seat. I wondered if he had been thinking about me as much as I've been thinking of him. Suddenly a small beam of sunlight escapes from the room's heavy curtains. The light fell on Draco, impressively eliminating his pale skin, making his grey eyes sparkle beautifully.

Smack! I staggered into a desk. "Sorry Hermione," I said, for I had just run straight into her. I turn to see Draco grinning down at his desk. My face burned.

"It's alright," Hermione said passively as she sat.

Professor Snape strolled to the front of the room and I hastened to sit before he started taking roll.

"Brown, Granger…" Professor Snape began reading off names.

_"I really like you," Malfoy says as he strokes my cheek. He moves his face so close to mine that I could count his eyelashes. His eyes are bright as he smiles at me. His smile leaves me feeling breathless. He tenderly presses his lips against mine. I feel Goosebumps climb up my arm. But as soon as the kiss happens he backs away. Why did he stop? I don't want him to stop. "Alex," he says. "Alex," but this time his voice sounds like Professor Snape's._

Bang! I jumped. I slowly looked up to see Professor Snape glaring down at me. He had slammed a book down on my desk to wake me up. "Having pleasant dreams, were you?" He asked furiously. I heard giggles behind me. This could have possibly been a first. I don't think anyone has ever been stupid enough to fall asleep during one of Professor Snapes lessons.

"Professor," I started guiltily, "I'm so sorry."

"Get up." He ordered.

"Why," I asked suspiciously.

"Because," he snared, "I need" he paused "an assistant for a demonstration, and you are volunteering your service." He leered maliciously. _Oh crap_, I thought. _Assistant is that like victim. _"Get up," he yelled. "There, in front of the class." I quickly obeyed.

"In this lesson," he announced to the students, "I will be teaching you how to deal with an attacker, using nothing but nonverbal spells. For the sake of demonstration," He turned his attention to me, "I will be the attacker," his mouth twitched. _Oh_ _crap,_ I thought again. "Alex, you will attempt to disarm me, without speaking."

I took out my wand hastily. _I can do nonverbal spells that is not the issue_. I rolled up my sleeves, revealing the ring on my right hand. I saw Professor Snape's focus flicked to it momentarily and then back to our duel.

_I am going to disarm him now, _I thought,_ exspel-_ , but before I could finish thinking the spell, my own wand flew backwards out of my hand. And before I knew it Professor Snape was right beside me jabbing his wand into my cheekbone. "If, Alex, I was, in fact trying to kill you," he hissed at me, "you would be in very deep trouble right now." Laughter came from the audience. _Was Draco laughing,_ I wondered.

"Silence," the professor ordered the class venomously. The room instantly fell silent. "Your face," he told me, as he lowered his wand, "gave you away." I huffed. "Pick up your wand. We are going to try again and this time, control your emotions."

"How?" I asked.

"Try," he said completely unhelpfully. Again I attempted to disarm him and again my wand ended up on the floor. "Pick up your wand." He told me again. I did.

"Do not anticipate what is going to happen. Do not feel anything," the Professor taught. "You are no longer Alex Snape; you are not anyone at all. Nothing matters but the fight. Clear your mind and feel nothing." He paused a moment to let me consider what he just said. "And with that in minded, try again." He shouted the last two words.

_Clear my mind and feel nothing._ A sensation of emptiness swept over me. _exspelliomus_! Professor Snape's wand flew out of his hand and landed on the classroom floor with a miraculous clanging sound.

"I did it." I said softly in mild disbelief. I grinned widely at him.

He gave me a curt nod. "You may be seated."

I sat, still smiling, proud of my accomplishment, the rest of the class passed by peacefully.

**Please review**


	13. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Draco's Distraction

March 9, 1997

Severus Snape scowled across the great hall as he smeared marmalade on his toast. It was just an average Saturday morning; he would finish his breakfast and then go down to his office where he had a stack of _outstanding_ ungraded essays just waiting for him.

He ate his breakfast in silence, for he was not in the mood to make meaningless small talk with his colleagues. He scanned the hall, his eyes falling on various students. His gaze caught Alex Snape sitting between Granger and Longbottom. She was chewing her breakfast happily and making cheerful conversation with her peers.

Severus watched her, thinking that this girl had an annoyingly wide range of mood swings, even more so than other teenage girls. He felt that with her it was either one extreme or the other. Sometimes she would be happy for no reason at all and other times she would be crying. Severus wished that the girl would just pick one emotion and stick with it.

Although, he had to admit that lately she had become increasingly less irritating. Actually, having to teach her had become far more tolerable. This was probably because Alex had decided to stop infuriating him on purpose.

She had stopped raising her hand in his class because she knew he disliked it, but instead just sat there quietly and let Hermione answer all the questions. She had also stopped seeking him between class and she never again approached him at the staff dining table. She did still, however, greet him every time they passed in the halls and before every class began. When she did this Severus would actually present her with a fleeting nod of recognition, which he felt was only a small price to pay to keep the girl from bursting into tears every time he ignored her.

Severus loathed it when the girl cried. He hated tears in general because they were a sign of weakness, but it was worse somehow when Alex cried, although he did not know why.

Luckily for Severus, it had been a very long time since he had to witness the girl's dreadful crying. He had suspicions that it had to do with the item he had conferred to her on Christmas. He had feared that this offering would have caused more trouble than good, but he was pleased in seeing that he had successfully gotten the girl off his back, for the most part.

He watched as Alex suddenly got up from her seat and headed up the Great Hall. Severus grimaced as the girl came towards him. Perhaps he was wrong in thinking that she had finally started to leave him alone. She continued to get closer; she was walking fast and her black hair billowed behind her. Severus tried to become more interested in his toast so that maybe the girl would go away, but she continued to come. She was almost to him when at the last possible moment she changed directions and sat confidently at the end of the Slytherin table next to Draco Malfoy.

Draco had been sitting alone aimlessly moving his scrambled eggs around with is fork as if not sure of what to do next. He looked up as Alex sat beside him. His initial face upon her unexpected appearance was of shock and confusion, but it quickly fell into its usual scowl. Despite this Alex just smiled brightly at him, completely unscathed.

Severus watched the two curiously and he was not the only one; practically the whole hall had turned their attention towards them. Severus wondered when the last time was that a Gryffindor came and sat at the Slytherin table and then his stomach lurched as he remembered.

"Hi," Severus heard the girl say in a voice that was considerably higher than usual.

"Hello," Draco said suspiciously, his face still contorted into a grimace. He looked around and noticed that they had an audience and his frown deepened. Draco leaned back on the bench and crossed his arms as if to intimidate. "Fall over anything lately?" Draco asked Alex cruelly. Severus knew that Draco was referring to fact that in the short time the girl had been here she had probably taken more spills than everyone at Hogwarts put together.

Severus observed that Alex was not fazed by this insult to her general lack of balance. On the contrary she seemed to find it rather amusing and laughed. Then she crossed her arms too and asked, "Seen any monkeys lately?"

Draco turned a little red in the face and it was clear that he knew that he could not bully Alex so easily. "What do you want?" Draco asked.

Alex smiled at him sweetly. "I was just wondering if you would like some help on your transfiguration homework," she said.

"What? No, I don't need help. What gave you that impression?" Draco demanded.

"Well, I just thought, seeing that you have not been doing your homework, that you didn't understand it." Alex said smugly. "I also thought that you would be getting rather sick of spending your weekends in detention because of it.

Draco did not say anything.

"I could help you get your homework done quickly and you wouldn't have any detentions, so you would have more time for other things."

Then she gave him a look that suggested that she had an idea of what the other things ought to be. Though Draco didn't seem to notice because he had his own ideas about how he would spend his free time.

"If you really want to help me that badly, Fine," Draco told her.

"Great," said Alex happily, "Met me in the library in one hour." She did not wait for him to confirm the time, but got up and walked away. As she did Draco's eyes were glued to her backside.

Severus got up from his place, not being able to take it any longer. Why was it that teenagers could not keep their hormones under control for five minutes?

* * *

_Oh my god, _I thought as sat in front of a mirror. _I can't believe I actually did that. _

I examined myself seeing only pale, hallow cheeks and flat, boring black hair; my blue eyes were my only redeeming feature. An hour was not enough to fix me. I started applying blush, although, I didn't think it made much of a difference. I thought of my mother and her red lipstick; I was not nearly bold enough to attempt it, so I put on clear lip gloss.

After I had poked myself in the eyes about fifty times I had actually managed to put on mascara. It was weird to see myself in make-up, but after the initial shook wore off I thought that the effect was quite nice. I didn't even bother doing anything with my hair because I knew it would just go back to being limp within five minutes no matter what I did to it.

I stood to check out my body. At the age of 12 my sister Sidney had already inherited our mom's beautiful hourglass-figure; as for me on the other hand, well I was not so lucky. It was not until just recently that I had actually grown some boobs. But even now, with a need for a bra, my body was still pretty shapeless.

I unbuttoned the first four buttons of my blouse, but then felt a little uncomfortable so I decided to just leave three buttons undone. I hoped that the result would come across as being sexy and not as though I was too lazy to button my shirt properly.

* * *

_Draco needs to focus on the task at hand, _Severus thought as he took quick strides through the halls. _He must not be distracted. And that girl, what does she think she is trying to do? She is putting herself in danger, that's what she is doing. If Draco knew what was best for both of them he would stay away from her._

Severus felt extremely angry at the fact that Alex was meeting Draco in the library. He figured it was because he was frustrated with Draco's stupidity in letting himself lose focus, but then again he had a nagging suspicion that there was more.

"Hi Professor Snape," said a voice behind him. Severus glanced over his shoulder to see that the girl was following him. She cause up to him. As soon as he got a better look at her, he knew exactly why he was so mad.

The girl began to blabber on about class and homework, but Severus was not listening. He was imagining himself taking every last point away from Gryffindor. He was imagining himself throwing a cloak over Alex and telling her to go up stair and wash her face. Then he wanted to find Draco Malfoy and tell him to stay away from her and start focusing on what needed to be done.

"Professor," Alex said with confusion.

"What?" He snapped.

"Nothing, but I am going into the library now, bye," she said unsurely.

"Are you going to check out a book?" Severus asked casually.

Alex looked surprised that Severus was taking an interest in what she was doing. "Yes," she said. "I need to check out a book."

Severus's snarled. _Why is she lying?_

Alex walked into the library and two minutes later Draco followed.

* * *

Draco entered the library and I smiled at him in welcome. He stared at my face for a long time before his eyes fleetingly caught sight of my cleavage. Though he did not say anything about the differences in my appearance, when he sat down next to me and began taking out things from his bag he was smirking to himself.

I pulled a piece of parchment and a quill towards me and wrote the prompt of McGonagall's most recent essay on the top of the page in capital letters: **HOW DOES HUMAN TRANSFIGURATION DIFFER FROM ANIMAL TRANSFIGURING?**

"So, Draco," I said, "How _does_ human transfiguration differ from animal transfiguring?"

He looked at me blankly.

"Let's brainstorm," I suggested. I dipped my quill in ink ready to scribble down his ideas.

"I don't know," he said bitterly.

"Haven't you been listening to Professor McGonagall?" I asked.

"No," he said sharply. "I have had a lot on my mind."

I figured he was talking about his father being in prison. I felt that that was a fair cause for not paying attention in class.

I put down my quill. "I understand, you know."

Draco looked me directly in the eyes. "I really don't think that you do," he said. He didn't sound angry, so I felt safe to continue talking about it.

"I just meant that I think about my family constantly and the only reason I can concentrate in class is because it is a good distraction and it takes away the pain for a little while," I said quietly.

Draco didn't say anything.

"I bet you must miss your father horribly," I said.

Draco's face darkened. "Yeah, I do," he said in a nearly inaudible whisper.

I started to jot down my ideas on why human transfiguration was different from animal transfiguring for Draco. Then he said, "I am surprised that you are even talking to me."

I stopped writing and looked up at him. "Why wouldn't I talk to you; what have you done?" I asked with bewilderment.

He looked away and was quiet for a long moment before he glanced back at me again and said, "What I meant was, that you family was murdered by Deatheater and my father is one." He watched my face carefully to see what my reaction was to his comment.

It took me a long time to think of something to say, because I didn't want to be insensitive to Draco's situation and insult his father, even though I wanted to.

"You're not your father," I said seriously. "You're not a Deatheater, so there is no reason for me to dislike you." At my words Draco looked away from me. His hand was resting on the table and I touched it tenderly. He gazed at my hand on top of his, but he didn't move it away. "Hey," I said softly, "we are not responsible for the actions of our relatives." I removed my hand, afraid that I was making him uncomfortable. He followed my hand with his eyes as I pulled it away from him. "In turn," I said smiling, "I hope that you won't hold me accountable for Professor Snape."

His lips twisted into a slight smirk, "Don't worry I won't."

I laughed. "Well I think I should have been the one to be surprised that you are talking to me."

"Why," he asked dryly. Images of the monkey seemed to have entered his mind.

"Well," I said, "you are a Slytherin and I am Gryffindor. Aren't you supposed to hate me?"

"Oh right," he said his voice thick with irony. "But since you are doing my homework for me I suppose I will have to forgive you for being a Gryffindor. I mean I guess it is not really your fault that you got put in a stupid house."

"Thanks for understanding," I said sarcastically. "And who said that I was going to do your homework for you?"

"You did," he told me slyly, "when you started doing it." He gestured to the parchment in front of me, where I had made an outline of ideas for his paper.

"Yeah, you wish," I said. "I told you I would help, not write your paper for you. And besides, how will you learn if you don't do the work yourself?"

He rolled his eyes, but pulled a clean sheet of parchment towards him and began scribbling down an introduction. Within an hour I had helped him write a pretty decent essay and when he turned it in to Professor McGonagall he received and 'O' for outstanding.

**Dear Readers,**

**I am a bit worried about the characterization in this chapter. Do you like Snape's character or did I over do it? Also in this chapter we see a very different side of Draco Malfoy, so different in fact that J.K. Rowling never wrote about it, therefore I thought it was open for interpretation. Please tell me what you think of the story so far. I want to hear your ideas and opinions. Don't be afraid to hurt my feelings, I love constructive criticism. Please review.**

****Thora Jane****

**P.S.**

**Thank you so much for reading this far.**


	14. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Sectumsempra

April 13, 1997

"Murder!" screamed Moaning Myrtle as she floated though the halls, "murder in the bathroom!"

Professor Snape led a blood soaked Draco out of the boy's lavatory. Draco was horribly pale and weak; his feet dragged on the stone floor and Snape had to practically carry him up to the hospital wing.

Meanwhile, Harry Potter stood in the demolished bathroom; his wand was loose in his hand; his legs barely supported his weight. He had almost killed Draco Malfoy.

* * *

I ran through the halls as fast as I could. I passed the roped off bathroom which still had a stream of blood stained water flowing from under its closed door. People stared at me as I sped past, but I did not care.

I could still hear Myrtle's agonizing wails of "Murder!" ringing in the distance. _There was so much blood_, I thought, my stomach lurching.

My legs cramped up as I pushed myself to move even faster; my lungs felt like they were going to shrivel up, but I did not care.

_Draco, please be okay._

* * *

"I gave him the dittany," said Madam Pomfrey as she fussed over her patient, "so he shouldn't have any scars."

Severus Snape stood nearby with his arms crossed. He looked down at the sleeping boy in the bed, his face hard with anger. How could he have let that potions book get into the hands of a student. And out of all the empty headed children at Hogwarts who could have found it, the book had to fall into the hands of Potter, a boy so thick that he would use a spell before he knew what it did.

Madam Pomfrey looked at Snape intently. "Thank goodness you found him when you did, Severus," she said, "for if this boy had lost anymore blood he would have died."

Severus did not meet her gaze but continued to look at Malfoy, secretly thanking God every time he saw Draco take in a breath. He could not have yet another death on his conscience.

"I must go," he said and hurriedly headed towards the exit.

* * *

I finally reached the hospital wing bent over grasping for air.

A pair of heavy, wooden doors led to the main infirmary. I pulled them open and headed forward, but before I could step foot in the room I hit something solid and fell backwards on to the stone floor.

With my tail bone aching I looked up to see Professor Snape standing in the doorway, looking vexed.

* * *

The Snape girl sat looking disgruntled and confused on the floor. She gazed up at Severus with wide eyes. Severus scowled down at her. This girl was a danger to herself; how hard would it be for her to take the time to look out where she was going.

Severus closed the infirmary doors and waited for the girl to collect herself.

"What do you think you are doing here?" he hissed at her.

The girl's eyes flashed with anger, but then she seemed to think that this was not the time for retorts.

"Is Draco going to be alright, Professor?" She looked terrified as she asked this. "There was so much blood and Moaning Myrtle was…" She trailed off and looked at the professor anxiously.

Despite himself, Severus felt his face soften slightly. "Draco will make a full recovery."

With that the girl let out a sigh of relief and smiled to herself. Severus suddenly felt that same anger he did when Alex had met Draco in the library. "Go up to your common room," the professor ordered. "You have no business being here."

Alex put one hand on her hip and opened her mouth to give Severus a very impertinent come back when a kind voice said, "Good evening."

Both Alex and Severus turned to see the headmaster walking towards them. Dumbledore focused his attention to Professor Snape first. Snape gave Dumbledore a curt nod of assurance that everything had been taken care of; Dumbledore seemed pleased. "Well then," the headmaster said, "Mister Malfoy is a very fortunate young man." He turned to Alex and smiled, "very fortunate indeed to have such a lovely young lady to call upon him." Alex blushed and Severus threw Dumbledore a meaningful look; Dumbledore caught it with a side glance and then said, "Mister Malfoy will surely be glad for the company, don't you agree Severus." At the headmaster's words Alex threw Severus a sharp look as if to say 'So There.'

Severus hated the old man immensely at this moment and resolved not to give his opinion to avoid saying something he might regret later. He grimaced down at the stone floor, remembering Potter waiting for him levels below. "I have business that needs attending," he announced mutinously and in a swish of robes he turned and walked away.

* * *

I watched as Dumbledore's blue eyes followed Professor Snape's dark figure but then focused back to me. "Shall we?" Dumbledore said as he held the door ajar for me.

I walked inside. My eyes found Draco immediately; he was lying in a bed at the far corner of the huge room. He was Madam Pomfrey's only patient.

Madam Pomfrey approached us. "Headmaster," she greeted Dumbledore. She glanced at me. "My patient needs his rest." At the matron's words Draco opened his eye's wearily to observe his visitors. I smiled at him slightly.

"Oh Poppy," Dumbledore said to Madam Pomfrey. "Miss Snape merely wishes to sit by her friend's bedside and offer a bit of comfort to him while he recovers." The headmaster gazed at me; "You will sit quietly with Mister Malfoy won't you Alex."

"Of course," I assured.

"That settles it then," finalized Dumbledore. "My dear Poppy," he began at the matron's look of displeasure. "You cannot argue that having a friend nearby in troublesome times can be the best medicine."

"I suppose so," said Madam Pomfrey skeptically.

"And Alex has my full permission to be here," said the headmaster.

"She may stay," Madam Pomfrey finally agreed, "but I cannot have my patient over exerting himself," she told me.

"I will be good," I told her.

"Very well then," Dumbledore said as he smiled at me and then he gently led Madam Pomfrey away to discuss further matters regarding Draco.

I slowly moved over to Draco's bed. "Hi," I said softly.

"Hey," he spoke in a strained tone.

"Is it okay if I sit with you?" I asked.

He gave me a weak, little nod.

I pulled up a chair next to his bed. He was even paler than usual, his eyelids darkened and heavy.

His white hand lay at his side. My fingers itched. I gently grabbed his hand, unsure if this was the right time, unsure if he would like it.

From his pillow Draco lazily gazed up at my face. I felt very warm all of a sudden. I worried he was going to ask me to let go of him and go away, but he didn't. Still eyeing me he flipped his hand over so that our palms touched and he laced his fingers in between mine. He didn't smile up at me, though I was grinning like an idiot, he just closed his eyes and fell asleep still holding my hand.

April 14, 1997

_Come on, come on, _I thought as I watched the clock in charms class. _Five minutes to go. Four minutes, two and a half, come on, come on. _Finally the bell rang. I quickly collected up my belongings off the desk and threw them in my backpack. I thought I heard my ink bottle shatter but I didn't bother checking. I swung my bag over my shoulder and accidently hit Harry Potter in the back of the head with it; he turned around and looked up at me, but I didn't apologize.

I made my way up to the hospital wing, but as I reached the set of doors that led to the infirmary I saw three Slytherins about to enter.

They all turned towards me as I approached. I recognized them to be Draco's friends, but I did not know their names. There were two big dumb looking boys and a short, little, pug faced girl; _could she be Draco's girlfriend, _I wondered.

"What are you doing here?" said the pug faced girl rudely.

I narrowed my eyes.

Well, I did not appreciate her giving me sass and plus I wanted to be alone with Draco so I pulled out my wand. Though, there was three of them and only one of me I had a hunch that I had the mental capacity to overpower them.

The three of them all pulled out their wands too, but my hunch was correct and I easily disarmed them.

"Confundo," I muttered under my breath. All three Slytherins suddenly became blank faced, well in the cases of the two boys they continued to be blank faced. The trio straightened up awaiting their instructions.

"You are going to go to your common room," I ordered them, my wand still raised.

"We are going to go to our common room," the three Slytherins said in a monotone.

"And stay away from the hospital wing," I continued.

"And stay away from the hospital wing," they repeated.

"Good," I said, pleased with my spell work.

"Good," they repeated in agreement.

I laughed. "Now," I told them, "pick up your wands and go."

In unison they bent and retrieved their wands; then they stiffly walked off in the direction of their common room.

I pushed open the double doors and entered the infirmary. Draco was sitting up in bed looking excruciatingly bored.

"Hey, you look better," I told him.

He rolled his eyes and let out a deep troubled sign. "I suppose," he said.

I pulled up a chair next to him. "Are you in much pain?" I asked.

"Yes," he said with a scowl. "I am in a lot of pain."

I looked at him with concern.

"Potter," he spat, his lips curled into a look of disgust. "I could have taken him you know." Draco paused, waiting for me to agree with him.

"I am sure of it," I told him.

"But how was I supposed to know that famous, precious Potter knew a curse like that." He snarled.

"There was no way for you to know," I assured him. "And plus," I added. "You didn't want to use any dark spells against him, even to defend yourself."

"What?" Draco looked at me blankly for a moment. "Oh right," he said. "I mean, Potter just attacked me out of nowhere."

"Everyone thinks he is all courageous and noble," I said, "but he is nothing but a coward."

"Right," agreed Draco. "And I have been saying that for years."

"You are so right, Draco," I told him. He smiled slightly at my words. "And you were so brave facing him like that. Stupid Harry Potter, I don't understand what's that great about him anyway."

Draco's eyes suddenly locked into mine and I knew what was about to happen.

He ran a finger softly over my jawbone. I felt myself blush. "I like you," he said smoothly. I could tell he was pro at this. I wondered how many Slytherin girls he had practiced on.

He cradled my chin with one hand and stroked my long hair with the other and then he slowly leaned in on me. He tilted his head to one side and softly pressed his lips against mine.

I had only kissed one other boy before and that was three years ago. He was a chubby, pimple faced boy named Kevin and he was very nice, but he was also very slobbery.

Draco wasn't slobbery at all.

He slowly pulled away and looked at my face to see what my reaction was. I smiled and he moved in again.

This time it was not so gentle. Instead of softly pressing his mouth to mine, he bit down on my lower lip hard. I wasn't exactly sure if I liked it, but I didn't ask him to stop just in case I did. Then he traced the perimeter of my mouth with his tongue before embarking on a true, full on, tongue-tangling snog.

Once we got passed all the weird biting and licking, the actual making-out part was quite nice; actually it was downright enjoyable. I never knew how fun kissing could be.

April 19, 1997

I had gone and seen Draco every day after classes were over. The hospital wing mostly remained empty and Madam Pomfrey stayed very busy in her office which left Draco and I alone. The hours we spent together in the infirmary really gave us a chance to get to know each other, although, we did not do very much talking.

* * *

Severus finished grading his third years' essays on werewolves and as he expected they were abysmal. He put the stack of papers aside and leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms, thinking.

He thought that he had given Draco more than enough time to heal and Severus felt that it was once again time to question Draco about his _special_ assignment. And this time Draco could not avoid him or run away because he was bedridden, so it would be an ideal time. Although, this was assuming they could be alone together.

Severus knew that Alex Snape had been visiting Draco in the hospital every day since he had been there. Severus scowled as he wondered if she was there right now and with that in mind he got up and headed for the Hospital wing.

Severus reached the double doors that led to the infirmary and when inside.

* * *

I was on my hands and knees directly over Draco in his bed. My long, black hair worked as a curtain around our faces, blocking out the outside world from view. Draco furiously kissed my neck, my chin and finally my lips. He cupped my breasts over my shirt and felt his way up my leg and started running his hands all over the back pockets of my jeans.

I let out a few small moans of pleasure, because that's what I always saw actresses do in movies during intense kissing scenes.

I tried out some of the fancier stuff myself. I bit Draco; he seemed to like it. I ran my tongue over his lips and teeth and gently pulled at his hair. He gave me a sly smile as if to say 'I have taught you well;' I smiled back before returning to the kiss.

Then suddenly Draco moved his hands off me, wincing as if he had received an electric shock. I stared at him with confusion, but a moment later I was thrown by an invisible force to the foot of the bed. My lower back hit the footboard hard and began throbbing. I looked around to see what had happened and found my answer standing in the doorway.

Professor Snape had his wand raised and seemed to have no intention of putting it away. He looked livid.

"Go," the professor hissed at me, his dark eyes burning with fury. I stood but did not move. I glanced back at Draco who starred with wide eyes back at me. "Go," Professor Snape roared at the top of his voice. I saw Madam Pomfrey ran out of her office as I hurried for the exit.

From that day on I was no longer allowed to visit Draco in the hospital wing, because Madam Pomfrey classified my activity with Draco as over exertion.

**Dear Readers,**

**This is one of my favorite chapters so far; what do you think? Did I get the characters right? Please review because I greatly value your opinions.**

****Thora Jane****


	15. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

In Alex's Absence 

April 19, 1997

David Harper sat at his desk in his bedroom. He was supposed to be doing his calculus homework, but instead he was gazing out the window at the small woods that grew behind his house.

He was remembering the strange flashes of light that he had once seen coming from between the trees. He swallowed and took a deep breath. _If I had known that that was the last time I would ever talk to her,_ he thought.

It had been many months since the Snapes had died, but every day since David wished he had said something different to Alex rather than question her about those stupid flashing lights. Every day since she died he wondered what he should have said differently, but he still hadn't come up with an answer.

It was a gas leak that had killed them; well, that's what everyone was told, a gas leak. But it was weird; the whole thing was weird.

After they died people stared to show up around the Snape house, inspectors they had called themselves. Yes, inspectors were anticipated with an unfortunate accident like this one, but these inspectors were…strange.

Do most inspectors work at two o'clock in the morning or have no car. Or dress in such an odd assortment of clothing that you would think it was Halloween. Do most inspectors suddenly disappear the moment you go to talk to them? No.

"They died in their sleep," a strangely dressed man had told the neighbors the morning after it happened. "They felt no pain. It was just a gas leak."

David knew that the gas leak story was widely accepted and he couldn't think of any reasonable cause not believe it, but some part of him just didn't buy it.

Some nights David would dream of screaming and a green glowing skull in the sky, but he didn't know why.

David heard the phone ring downstairs. "David," shouted Alan, his older brother. David ignored his brother; he really was not in the mood to talk on the phone. "David," Alan yelled again. Then David heard footsteps racing up the stairs.

David reached for his headphones and put them over his ears so that he could have a valid reason for not answering his brother.

Alan swung open the door. David turned around in this desk chair and glared at Alan for invading his privacy. "We're too close to knock," Alan announced at David's look of outrage. Alan was 24 years old; David had no idea why his brother was still living here.

David removed his headphones. "What?" he demanded.

"Well normally," said Alan, "I wouldn't come all the way upstairs to give you the phone, but I thought you might want to take this call." Alan grinned at him. "It is Lacey Bennett, you lucky bastard."

David gave his brother another irritated look. Alan was not holding the speaker end of the telephone so Lacey could hear their whole conversation. "I have calculus homework," David said.

"Did you not understand me?" asked Alan, "Lacey Bennett." Alan placed the phone in between his legs and drew out a large breasted silhouette of a woman in the air. Then he grabbed the phone again and held it out for David to take.

"I'm busy," David told his brother.

Alan rolled his eyes and put the phone up to his ear. "I'm so sorry, Lacey; David is a little busy at the moment. Uh huh, uh huh, of course he will call you back later." Alan shot David a meaningful glance. "He would be stupid not to. Okay Lacey, bye." Alan hung up the phone.

"Why did you tell her that I would call her back?" David asked.

"Because you will," Alan said.

"Yeah, I guess I have to now."

Alan closed David's bedroom door. "What is with you?"

"What do you mean?" David asked defensively.

"What I mean," Alan stated loudly, "is you moping around all the time and you refusing to speak to Lacey Bennett, Lacey Bennett, David! Come on!"

"I told you, I have homework."

"Okay fine," Alan said with frustration. "Forgetting Lacey for a moment, what about Nancy?"

"What about Nancy?" David asked bitterly.

"What do you mean, 'what about Nancy?'" Alan asked. "David, Nice n' Easy Nancy, need I say more?"

"The fact that people call her 'nice and easy', is a completely rational reason to not want to date her," said David.

"What about Sarah?"

"She's not my type."

"She used to be your type," pointed out Alan.

"Well she is not anymore," David said.

"Paulina also used to be your type," Alan said. "Why did you break up with her?"

"We grew apart," David said. "It happens, Alan, people grow apart."

Alan looked at his little brother for a long time before saying, "You didn't start growing apart from Paulina until Alex died.

David didn't say anything.

"She's dead, David," Alan told him seriously.

"I know that." David said sharply.

"David, she was there all along and you never gave her a second thought." Alan said softly. "She is dead now; this is not the time for you to suddenly have these kinds of feelings for her."

"I know that!" David yelled.

"I really don't think that you do," Alan told him.

"Alan, get the hell out of my room," David said. He pointed to the door.

"I'm worried about you," Alan told him.

"Well don't be," said David angrily.

Alan gave David a final look of concern before leaving and shutting the door behind him.

David looked back down at his math homework. He knew that he could not concentrate on it anymore tonight; he would just have to copy the rest of the answers from one of his friends before class.

David packed up his school work and then grabbed a book off his shelf, a year book. He flipped through the pages until he found what he was looking for.

A girl with long black hair and blue eyes smiled awkwardly up at him. Alan's words of "she was there all along and you never gave her a second thought," rang in David's mind.

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****Special thanks to my sister Gabi for being my offical editor****


	16. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Covered in Mud

April 28, 1997

I entered the Great Hall for breakfast feeling tired. I looked over at the Slytherin table like I did every day since my banishment from the hospital wing; Draco was back!

Excitement bubbled up inside me. I took a few steps forward. I had been planning this moment for almost two weeks. I was just going to play it cool. I was going to walk up to the Slytherin table and sit down next to him. I figured by the way he was snogging me I had at least earned the right to sit with him. Although, I wasn't one of those stupid girls who thinks just because a boy kisses them that make her his girlfriend. I knew I wasn't Draco's girlfriend, but I planned to be.

I began casually working my way towards the Slytherins, trying to convince myself that I deserved to be there.

"Hi Draco," I said shyly. I stood across from the place he was sitting; he was with his friends, the two large ones and the rude, pug faced girl among them. They were all glaring at me, Draco included.

Draco leered. "What do you want?"

I looked at him blankly.

"Hey," said the pug faced girl to me. "Aren't you going to say anything or are you just going to stand there gaping at us like an idiot?"

I looked at Draco expectantly, waiting for him to defend me, but he didn't.

"Well?" the pug faced girl prompted impatiently.

I felt my face go pink, not at the girl's words, but at the hard glare that Draco was giving me. I didn't understand.

"Draco, can we talk?" I asked, "please." I had been thinking about him nonstop over the past weeks, missing him. Hadn't he been thinking about me? Or was I just the distraction to pass the time while he was in the hospital wing.

Draco crossed his arms. "Fine, talk," he said sharply.

I flinched as if he had just hit me. "Can we talk alone?" I wanted to tell him how glad I was that he was back and I wanted to kiss him, I wanted to kiss him so badly.

"No," Draco said coldly.

I looked at him intensely; he grimaced back at me.

"He doesn't want to talk to you, so go away," the pug faced girl said.

I chewed on my tongue resentfully but desperately hoping that Draco would tell the girl that he did not want me to go, but it was a bleak desire.

I felt so used and ugly. The pug faced girl smiled at me cruelly.

I wasn't going to give her satisfaction of crying in front of them, I would just have to wait until my back was turned.

* * *

Professor Snape watched the girl with annoyance. She was moving very quickly to the exit.

Although Severus could not see the girl's face he knew that she must be crying, because that was all this girl ever did, cry and annoy him.

Severus wondered why out of all the arrogant, dim-witted, teenage boys to choose from at Hogwarts she would pick Draco Malfoy?

* * *

I could see tentacle protruding out of the water as I sat by the black lake. Tears still ran down my cheeks. I pulled out my wand and produced a handkerchief out of thin air to blow my nose with.

I leaned over to the water's edge and looked at my reflection in the lake.

_It is obvious why Draco doesn't like me,_ I thought. Draco was very attractive and I was an embarrassment to him; that must have been it. _He didn't want his friends to know that we kissed,_ I thought, _because I'm so ugly. _At that I let out a throat burning sob. I turned my head side to side examining my huge nose, which made me cry even harder. I buried my face in my hands to hide my ugliness from the world. And if I couldn't feel any worse, it started to rain.

"Hey," said a soft voice.

I looked up with puffy eyes. Draco stood a few feet away.

I turned my back on him.

"Alex," he said. "Look at me."

I didn't move.

Draco sat beside me. "Look at me," he said again.

I wiped my eyes on my sleeve and turned around. "What do you want?" I asked, my voice shaking.

"I want to talk to you," he said.

Anger rose inside me. "Oh now you want to talk," I said hysterically "now that we are not surrounded by all your friends. I get it; you're embarrassed by me because I'm so…" I paused, "ugly." The word was contorted by a sob. I was reminding myself exceedingly of Moaning Myrtle.

Draco opened his mouth as if to say something but I cut him off. "You were embarrassed, fine, whatever, but if you never even liked me why did you use me that way."

Draco looked at me with wide eyes. "Are you done?" he asked.

"Yes," I said coldly.

"First of all," he said, "I wouldn't have snogged you if I thought you were ugly." The smiled slightly, _so he doesn't think I'm ugly, _but then I realized that there must be something wrong with my personality then and the smile faded. "Secondly," he continued. "I did not use you, I told you I liked you, remember?"

"Yeah," I said bitterly, "I remember." I did not like being contradicted. "Then what's the problem then?"

"This can't happen. That's what I wanted to tell you," he said.

"What do you mean?" I asked, confused. "What can't happen?"

He moved himself closer to me, grabbed my face with both hands, tilted my head to one side and kissed me forcefully.

"That is what can't happen," he said.

"I don't understand," I said.

"I thought you were smart; do I have to spell it out for you?"

I looked at him blankly.

"I guess so," he said. He pushed me backwards and my head hit the wet grass. I smiled as Draco knelt over me. "Stay away from me," he said before he pressed his lips against my throat, my chin, and then my lips.

He was wearing some peppery cologne that he hadn't had in the hospital wing. His scent was sweet; it seemed to warm me as it crawled up my nostrils. I ran my fingers through his damp hair. All of his body's weight was practically on top of me, protecting me from the rain and giving me strange feelings that started from below my bellybutton. I sunk deeper and deeper into the moist earth.

It began to rain harder.

I wrapped my legs around his middle to pull his body closer to mine. I ran the tips of my fingers down his spine. Draco let out slow hum of pleasure.

My lips tingled with the intensity of the kiss and the cold rain drops hitting my skin only made me feel hotter.

My mouth was completely filled with his taste when he finally pulled away.

We both sat up, breathing heavy, our bodies covered in mud.

"Do you understand now?" Draco asked me.

I looked at him with utter confusion. "No, I am completely lost." I smiled playfully. "Do you want to try explaining it to me again?"

Draco didn't smile and he didn't look at me. He just stared at the ground gravely.

"Draco," I asked, "what's wrong?"

Draco stood up. His face was serious; he suddenly looked older. He was suddenly a completely different person.

"I have been stupid in trying to fool myself," he said more to himself than to me.

"Draco, what's wrong?" I asked again.

"This can't happen."

"I know you already said that," I joked.

"You are not my girlfriend; you know that right?" He said harshly

"Yeah, I know," I said feeling hurt. I blushed; "I would like to be."

Draco glared at me. "Well you're not," he said sternly. "Just stay away from me,"

"Why?"

"That is not any of you business, just stay clear of me." With that he walked away, leaving me in the rain feeling hurt, confused, and very wet.


	17. Chapter 16

Wearing a Scarf in Summer

The Daily Prophet

**May 20, 1997 **

**Dumbledore Dead**

Albus Dumbledore was murdered, writes Rita Sketer, daily prophet reporter, last night at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Deatheaters had penetrated through the once safe walls of Hogwarts. The Deatheater responsible for finishing off Headmaster Dumbledore, was none other than Severus Snape.

Snape was a convicted Deatheater, before Dumbledore testified for him, clearing his name and letting him teach at his school. Snape, the former Defense Against the Dark arts teacher has not been captured. If only Albus Dumbledore would have placed his trust in more worthy hands.

* * *

August 13, 1997

I coughed. Katherine was smoking _a-who-knows-what_ as we sat on the brick wall that separated the orphanage courtyard from the rest of the world. I coughed again. Katherine stomped out her smoke. "That was my last one," she told me regretfully. "Who knows when I can get another?"

"Sorry," I said absentmindedly. She punched me playfully. I hardly knew Kat, but we were the only two orphans over the age of fourteen, so we stuck together.

"Hey, Lex," she sniggered, "take off the scarf, it's freakin' hot out here." I tightened my Gryffindor scarf around my neck; I needed to know that it had really happened.

I don't know why I even bothered coming back here. I was an adult in the wizarding world. Well technically I was. But if I didn't come back here what would I have done?

There is a feeling, or lack of, that comes over you when there is nothing left. It is kind of like being hollow or numb._ Sometimes I think I might lose my mind. I want to feel something_. I twisted the golden ring on my finger. _Why do I still wear this thing? I should have chucked it or given it away or something. _But I couldn't._ Why would I still hang on to something that that murder gave me? _

At first I had felt really betrayed and so angry. Then I hated myself for ever trying to make him like me. Then I stopped eating and then after that the numbness came.

"Don't look so glum," Kat said. "We'll be out of here before you know it." That is what Kat always talked about, leaving the orphanage. She then went in to her usual long speech, describing her plan for after she turns eighteen. She is nearly of age and it couldn't be coming fast enough, Kat has lived here for sixteen years.

"Cindy," a voice called out. I looked up.

"Yes," I answered. Lucy Jenson was walking towards me.

Lucy was the niece of the matron, and she had a part time job here. She was a year younger than I was and thought it was extremely funny that she could tell me what to do. She called me Cindy, because she never bothered to remember my name and I stopped caring enough to correct her.

"Cindy, my aunt wants to see you in her office right away," Lucy said bossily.

"For you information, Stupid," Kat scolded her. "This," she pointed at me, "is Alex, not Cindy, _Alex._"

"Why do I care," Lucy said pointedly? "Usually I just refer to her as the loser with the scarf." I sighed completely uncaring that I was being insulted.

"She has all right to wear that scarf." Kat told her. "So why don't you just fuck off and go pop that huge zit on your forehead."

"UH!" Lucy screamed as she flipped her hair dramatically and skulked off.

"Thanks," I said to Kat. "But, you didn't have to do that."

"It was my pleasure," she said. "I've want to tell her off for ages." She paused and smiled at me. "But she does have a point about the scarf, though."

I give her a half hearted smile. "I'm not going to stop wearing it."

"Fine by me, but you need to start defending yourself, because I'm not always going to be there, you know?" I didn't say anything. "Come on, you better go to Ms. O'Dell's office before you get in trouble."

I nodded and we walked there together.

"I wonder what she wants with you," Kat said more to herself then to me. "Did you do anything you weren't supposes to?"

"No," I answered. "I don't think so."

"Well, of course you didn't." she laughed. We reached the door of the matron's office. "Go ahead, and I will wait for you here."

I nodded. "Okay." I knocked twice on the door.

"Come in," said the soft voice of Ms. O'Dell, the matron. I entered. When I did, she came straight up to me and gave me a tight hug. "Oh sweetheart," She said stroking my hair. "I'm so happy for you."

"Excuse me?" I asked, struggling out of her embrace.

She took my face in both her hands forcing me to look into her startlingly blue eyes. A smile was spread across her round face. "It is all going to be better now, Honey."

"Better?"

"He's come for you, Alex. You don't have to live here anymore. Your cousin has come for you." I felt my heart drop into my stomach. My eyes slid to one corner of the room and there he was, lurking, waiting.

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**P.S.**

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	18. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Severus and Lily

_(Same day)_

After weeks of emptiness, suddenly vicious, hungry emotions started scratching at my insides, anger, fear and hatred. "NO!" I screamed. "No." I backed into the office door. I started shaking my head vigorously. My breath was coming out in sharp lurches. I felt light headed and slid down the wall.

"Alex, Alex!" The matron said breathlessly as she kneeled beside me. Snape stayed stationary in his dark corner. "Are you okay?" I didn't answer, I couldn't.

Finally, I stood slowly. "Alex," Ms. O'Dell began. "What is the matter with you?" she looked outrageous.

"I won't go with him," I told her. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Professor Snape reach into his coat pocket. I knew he was wrapping his long fingers around his wand handle. My wand was upstairs in my trunk. _I'm an idiot,_ I thought.

"Alex," the matron tried to reason with me. "This man says he is your cousin, is that true?"

I glared at him and nodded.

"He says he was your teacher as well, is that true?"

I nodded again.

"Well then, Alex, don't you trust him?

"I-" I started, shaking my head, but then I remembered something, something important, something I was supposed to remember. _Trust_. _Trust?_

_'Trust is a very valuable thing. Some people do not deserve it, but others do. The guilty are sometimes the innocent and nothing is ever as it may appear.'_ I stopped shaking my head immediately. _Could this have been what Dumbledore meant?_

I looked at Ms. O'Dell and then at Severus Snape. I smiled at him. Tears poured out of my eyes. "Yes, I trust him." There is a feeling that comes over you, when everything suddenly comes back.

Professor Snape looked as if he had never seen anything quite like me before. He raised an eyebrow, contemplating whether or not I was completely sane. Ms. O'Dell looked at me with the same kind of concern for my mental health. I started laughing.

I was so confused about what I was feeling and the looks on their faces were so funny, I just couldn't help it. When you laugh for the first time in months, it is like waking up from a bad dream and realizing that the sun is still going to come up in the morning.

"So, does this mean you will go with your cousin?" Ms. O'Dell asked perplexedly.

I nodded. "Yes," I said through laughter and tears.

"Then go pack up your things."

I exited the room.

"Lex?" Kat asked.

"My cousin is taking me with him."

She stared at me, stunned. Something in her eyes faded. "Great," She said putting on a hasty smile, "really good…for you."

"Thanks," I said softly.

"I'll help you pack," she said not sounding like herself at all.

"Thanks," I said again.

Kat and I shared a room along with two thirteen year old girls. They were sitting on their beds when we entered, apparently having a heated discussion about who had a cuter butt, Billy or Ryan. "YOU TWO, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" Kat yelled at them with unnecessary force. They ran from the room screaming.

"Kat," I started.

"Lex, I know what you are going to say, I will be fine." She assured me, but I didn't believe her. "Come on, let's get you packed." And without further a due, we were unceremoniously stuffing my belongings into my trunk and backpack. Before long we were finished and Kat said. "Lex, would you mind if I said good-bye up here."

"No," I said, "I don't mind. Kat, I want to give you something." I rummaged around in my trunk and when I resurfaced I was holding a small bundle of cash. Her eyes widened. "This is for you." I handed it to her.

"Lex, I couldn't," she said as she was holding the money.

I laughed. "Yeah, you could," I told her. "It is for those big plans you have." She was speechless. "Oh, and this too." I slowly took off my scarf and wound it around her neck.

"I'll miss you," she said.

"I'll miss _you_," I told her. "Good luck," I said as I hugged her.

"Bye," she said.

I nodded and left the room, dragging my trunk behind me.

When I got to the downstairs landing, Professor Snape was waiting for me. Now that the initial shock of seeing him had worn off I really got a good look at him. Apart from the fact that he was wearing muggle clothing, he looked different somehow. His face looked even more hollowed, his skin more pale and his eyes looked even colder than usual.

Without a single word he lifted my heavy trunk and left, expecting me to follow. "Bye," I said to no one in particular.

The professor lead me down a crowded street, not looking back to see if I was behind him, and not talking to me at all. I stared at his back thoughtfully. _That must have been what Dumbledore meant_, I kept telling myself. _It must have been. It all fits. So does that mean Dumbledore knew that Professor Snape was going to kill him? Or maybe- _unexpectedly Professor Snape turned into a deserted ally.

"So where are we going?" I asked him.

He put down my trunk and looked to see if anyone was around. "_We_," he started in a hurried whisper, "are going to my house. Then _you_ are going to the Order of the Phoenix." I looked at him blankly. "The Order of the Phoenix," he explained fiercely, "is an anti-dark arts organization founded by Dumbledore." He glanced at me, waiting for me to say something.

"I can't stay with you?"

I could tell that that wasn't what he was expecting me to ask. "No," he said rather quickly.

"Oh," disappointment flooded through me. _Wasn't it just about an hour ago that I hated him, _I contemplated.

He stared at me. "What insanity must run throw your tiny mind." Professor Snape began harshly. "What in this world would ever make you begin to want to stay with me," he got really close to me face. "I am a proven murderer." He shouted the last word. A stray cat ran out from behind a dumpster.

I winced. "Because, I trust you," I said timidly.

"You trust me," he mocked.

I nodded.

He pushed me against the brick wall of a building, pinning me there by the shoulder, his wand pointed at my heart. "Do you still?" I was out of breath from the sudden attack. I stared into his eyes. Dumbledore's words repeated themselves in my head. _'Trust is a valuable thing.'_

"I trust you," I said more confidently than before.

He snared revealing his yellowed teeth. "Well, don't," he released me. We glowered at each other. "We shouldn't stay here," he finally said looking over his shoulder. "Take my arm." I took it no questions asked.

I felt my stomach lurch as the curious sensation of apparition came over me. I felt as though I was being squeeze through a tube. Seconds later everything stopped. I let go of Professor Snape's arm. We were in a small sitting room with worn out, mismatch pieces of furniture. It was dimly lit and the walls were lined with dark colored leather-bound books, which made the dwelling even more depressing.

"He made you do it, didn't he?" I asked abruptly.

"What are you talking about?" Professor Snape asked with his back to me.

"Dumbledore asked you to…well you know. Didn't he?" I was worried about what he might say.

"Are you asking me if Dumbledore told me to kill him?" He said with roughly irony.

"Yes," I said.

"What gave you that impression," he asked.

"Just because of something he told me once."

He turned suddenly, his eyes were wild. "What exactly did he tell you?"

I smiled at him. "He told me to trust you, no matter what." Snape grimaced at the carpet. "So is it true, then?" I waited. He nodded slowly. I grinned. _I knew you were good,_ I thought happily. "So why do I have to go to this Order thing" I asked conversationally.

He looked up from the ground, "the Order of the Phoenix," he corrected me.

"Yeah, the Order of the Phoenix," I said. "Why must I go there, Professor?"

The professor's face darkened. "Because," he said, "the Dark Lord is aware of your survival."

I felt a weight drop into my stomach. "How did he find out," I asked slowly, dreading the answer.

"I told him." Professor Snape said emotionlessly.

I closed my eyes, "On Dumbledore's orders?"

"Yes," He says in the same dead tone. "I will take you to the Order tomorrow. The Dark Lord is not expecting you for another two days." He paused. "The Order will protect you."

"What about you?" I said. "Who will protect _you_? When you don't bring me to him, what will happen?" sudden fear and panic rushed over me, but it was not for myself.

He considered me. "If you are not at the orphanage when I come to fetch you, it will not be my fault."

My eyes widened, "But he will still be angry."

Professor Snape nodded.

"Don't take me to the Order," I whispered.

I swear Professor Snape's eyes flashed red. "Do you understand that he will kill you?" He shouted.

"Yes."

"Do you really believe that I would sacrifice your life to…" he trailed off angrily? "I am no such coward."

"I know you're not," I said indignantly. On the contrary I thought he was the bravest man I had ever met in my life.

"You are going to the Order of the Phoenix, tomorrow," he said conclusively. I had no chance of winning this argument, so I just didn't retort. "Come," he finally said bitterly, "I will show you were you will be sleeping." He pointed his wand at my trunk and it levitated a foot off the ground. It began floating up the stairs; the professor and I followed.

The stairs brought us to a narrow hallway, dark and eerie. There were three doors lining the grey wall in front of us. Professor Snape chose the on farthest to the right and my trunk flew in after him.

I stepped slowly through the threshold. The room like the hall before it had miserable grey colored walls. The room had tiny windows, giving the impression of a prison cell. A thick layer of dust covered the hardwood floor, leaving my foot prints with every step. I didn't think Professor Snape had entered this room for years.

However there were signs that someone had at one time resided here. The small bed in the middle of the room was unkempt, and if it wasn't for the layer of dust, it would have been as if someone had just slept in it. A wardrobe sat with its drawers half opened. An old teddy bear lay dead like in one corner of the room and a broken train set was piled beside it. Then my eye caught something green and silver. Over the bed was a faded Slytherin banner.

I turned to look at Professor Snape. "This was your room when you were little, wasn't it?"

"Yes, it was," He told me in a tone that clearly said _you ask too many questions._ He turned around and left.

"Professor," I said as I grabbed my purple backpack and followed him downstairs.

"What," he asked with pure irritation. I sat on his moth-eaten sofa. He sat in the chair farthest away from me. I started digging in my bag.

"I wanted to show you this," I said holding up a tattered old photo album.

"Why?"

"Just humor me for one minute and look at it," I said pertinently. He took it for me. After scanning the first page he glanced at me with raised eyebrows. "It is our dads when they were young."

"I have no desire to look at this," Professor Snape said, handing the book back to me.

I stared down at the first picture. Two black haired youths smiled falsely at the camera. They stayed stationary, for they were muggles. The older of the Two, Tobias, towered over his younger brother, who was only three to his eighteen. I guessed that Professor Snape took after his mother. Even though, he did inherit the unfortunate Snape family nose, he looked little like his father.

"I am sorry about your dad," I tell him softly.

His eyes flashed angrily, but he said nothing.

"Did you not get along with Tobias?" I asked curiously.

He ignored my question.

"Well in all fairness, my dad, didn't like him much either," I said, taking his silence and look of disgust, as a definite 'yes'. "But apparently they had more in common than they thought," I continued trying to keep the conversation going, no matter how uncomfortable it was. "They both married witches. Well I just assumed that your mother was a witch because if you were a muggle-born Lord Voldemort wouldn't let you be a…" I trailed off awkwardly. "What was Aunt Eileen like?"

"If you don't mind, I would like to drop the subject." The professor said contemptuously.

"I don't mind," I said uncomfortably. Professor Snape crossed his arms and looked around the room, for no purpose but to avoid my gaze. "So..." He rolled his eyes. "What do you like to do when you are not…" I trailed off again?

"When I'm not killing people," he finished my sentence with sharp sarcasm.

"I was going to say teaching," I felt my face get hot.

"Don't take this personally," he told me in a tone that highly suggested I should absolutely be taking this personally. He continued, "but I do not wish to share personal facts about myself with anyone, especially not with you. I also don't want to sit here making painful conversation."

"Is Draco Malfoy alright?" I asked bluntly.

"Why do you ask?" Professor Snape said bitterly.

"Well, he's a Deatheater," I stated. "I just was wondering if he is, you know, okay."

"He's alive if that's what you mean," said Professor Snape ruthlessly.

"I'm not sure what I mean." I said trying to make sense of my asking; I knew that I shouldn't care. I felt the professor's eyes on me, but I didn't meet them. "So all those things, I mean, Katie Bell being cursed, Ron Weasley getting poisoned and Deatheater getting into the school, that was all him?"

"Yes." Professor Snape held out the short word, making it sting more.

"He was trying to kill Dumbledore all year?" It was not exactly a question; it was more me thinking out loud, trying to convince myself not to like Draco so much.

"Yes," Professor Snape hissed venomously.

"But he couldn't do it," I said.

"No, he could not," the professor said, scowling. I thought I heard a hint of resentment in his tone, but I couldn't be sure.

"Draco is not evil," I said confidently, more to myself than the professor. "He is not the Deatheater type."

"Draco made his own choices," Professor Snape told me harshly.

"But his dad is a Deatheater, maybe that had something to do with it," I defended.

"Yes, Draco was in a bad situation, but there are always other ways." Professor Snape said unsympathetically. He paused and thought about what I had previously said. "Out of mild curiosity," he began bitterly, after the short silence. "What exactly is _the Deatheater type_?" he quoted.

"I don't know, not Draco Malfoy." I looked up at him, "and not you either."

He scowled.

"You're not," I promised him. He didn't say anything. "Professor," I asked?

"Yes."

"Why, do you do this?"

"Do what," he asked roughly.

"Well, you're not a true Deatheater; we've established that, right?" I took his silence as a _'yes'_. "Then why do you do this, pretend, I mean?"

"On Dumbledore's orders," was his answer, his tone was cold and detached.

"But why?" I asked. "Why do you still follow his orders, what do you possibly do for him? He_ is _dead."

He stood abruptly. "Why I do things and who I do them for is none of your business!" he yelled his cold eyes suddenly hot with rage.

I stood too. "But I trust you and I want to know why. I need a good reason."

"I owe you no explanations!" He shouted. "I personally couldn't care less if you trusted me or not, in fact you probably shouldn't."

"Well I do!" I shouted as I stormed off. _He is so frustrating. Why can't he just tell me…anything?_

I plopped down on the old bed and dust flew around me as a result. _What is he so desperate to hide?_ I throw the pillow against the wall as hard as I could. _Wow that accomplished a lot_, I thought sarcastically as I got up to retrieve it.

When I bent to pick up the pillow, I notice a folded piece of paper, which must have fallen out of the pillowcase. I could tell by the yellowness of the page that it was many years old. I slowly unfolded the paper.

It was a drawing, probably done by a younger child or very unskilled adult. The picture portrayed two children, a boy with shoulder length black hair and a girl with long red hair. It was obvious that the artist had taken more time illustrating the features of the red headed girl than the boy. Her little crayoned face was so carefully drawn from her big green eyes to every freckle. Both children held up wands, smiling. The caption at the bottom read, in tiny neat letters, _Severus and Lily._

"So, you are capable of love," I said quietly to myself as I ran a finger over the little Professor Snape in the drawing.

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	19. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

They Aren't There Anymore

August 14, 1997

_"Oh, my parents are so going to kill me," I say to Kristina, who is driving. _

_"Relax, when have you ever missed your curfew before," she asks calmly?_

_I open my window and let the wind rush through my hair. "I was supposed to be home two hours ago. Can you drive any faster?"_

_"I'm already going ten miles over the speed limit." She laughs at my worried expression. "Relax," she tells me again. "The concert went a bit longer than you expected, so what. There was nothing you could do about it." Kristina gives me a fleeting grin. "Or is there?"_

_"What are you talking about?" I ask._

_"You know. Couldn't you just do a little, you know?" She smiles mischievously. "Magic," she whispers, "to get us home faster."_

_I look at her with amusing disbelief. "I'm not that powerful."_

_"Were I stand, you are," Kristina smirks._

_"You know, it doesn't work like that." I yawn. "Besides I don't have my wand with me."_

_She rolls her eyes. "Some witch, not carrying your magic wand around."_

_"Hey," I poke her in the ribs, "I am a fantastic witch. I just don't want any," I address her, "muggles," she pretends to look offended, "to know my secret."_

_"They would probably just think you're insane," Kristina points out._

_"True," I agree. We laugh._

_"But, seriously, I really need to be careful." I say in a sober tone, "Especially now that David almost caught me doing magic yesterday."_

_Kristina laughs again. "Right, the fireworks in the woods," she remembers from what I told her earlier. "Maybe you should just tell him that you're a witch and have done with it." She grins. "He might think it's sexy." _

_"Oh yeah," I agree sarcastically. "Sure, he might think that, or maybe, and this seems the more reasonable response, he would be scared out of his mind."_

_"Why? You're not scary."_

_"He would have many good reasons to be scared of me." I tell Kristina. "First of all, when you go through your life thinking the world is one way and then someone comes along and tells you that those things you believed to be fairy-tales are actually real would be frightening enough. Then, to learn that you have been living down the street from a witch for most of your life would be extremely unsettling. I mean, I could put him under enchantments that would make him forget who he is or who his family is. I could turn his pillow into a man eating monster or make him feel pain for no reason. I could even make him fall in love with someone against his will._

_"But you wouldn't do those things," Kristina states seriously._

_"No, I wouldn't, but I could if I wanted to." I say._

_"But you wouldn't," she says conclusively. "I wasn't scared when you told me you were a witch, and your dad doesn't seem to mind."_

_"Well, you and my dad are freaks of nature." I tell her._

_She laughs, "coming from the girl who rides on broomsticks. And who knows, maybe David is a freak too." She smiles. "I suggest you find out.'"_

_"Sure," I say, with an eye roll. "I will get right on that, Kristina."_

_"You really should," she laughs._

_Finding her extremely obvious hidden meaning, I decide to not respond. _

_"Well," she stops the car, "here's your house."_

_I open the door. "Thank you so much for taking me to that concert. Those tickets were the best belated birthday present ever."_

_"You're welcome." She grins. "Now I expect an even better present on my birthday."_

_"Deal," I say as I hug her._

_"Your parents won't be too hard on you. Or will your mom just turn you into a toad."_

_I ignore her last statement. "Bye."_

_"Bye," She says waving happily. "Call me tomorrow."_

_"I will," I say as I shut the car door. Kristina immediately speeds down the street and out of sight. _

_All the lights seem to be out. Maybe they are all asleep and won't even notice that I am late. That though gives me the courage to enter. _

_The door isn't locked. It swings at its ease with the tiniest of pushes, letting out a definite creak. My parents never forget to lock the front door. _

_Darkness closes in around me as I shut it. I hear something, though it could just be my imagination, whispers? I take extra care in turning the lock, wondering what I might be trapping myself in with._

_Suddenly light. Many tiny lights irrupt out of nowhere, miniature suns, blinding me after the obscuring darkness. _

_"Finally," says a deep raspy voice, "we have waited long enough."_

_My eyes adjust. Eight masked figures stood malevolently in the middle of my living room, Deatheaters, their wands lit._

_"Oh look how scared she is," a woman simpers disgustingly. A couple of them laugh._

_My wand, I think, I need my wand._

_"Alexandra Snape," steps forth a tall masked figure. "We have come with a message." He says with an official tone._

_I straighten up, trying to appear more confident then I feel. "Where is my family?" My voice shakes wildly. _

_Maniacal laughter issues from every Deatheater in the room except the man who had just spoken. He has an era of professionalism about him, this was all business._

_"Silence," he hisses. The other Deatheaters obey him at once. He must be in charge of the others. "We have a message from the Dark Lord." My insides twist painfully. "Message is a crude way of putting it, a request or better yet, an order. For if you do not obey there will be consequences." The man's voice is smooth and emotionless; as though what he is telling me has no effect on him at all, positive or negative. _

_"I will never do anything for him!" I shout defiantly. _

_"Oh no?" questions the women. "I think we will be able to persuade you." She turns to the man in charge. "Let's show her now." The women's voice is full of malicious excitement._

_"Patients Bellatrix," orders the head Deatheater in a venomous whisper, "soon". He turns back to me. "The Dark Lord desires your devotion. He needs your power on his side. Join us." _

_"Never," I begin, "he is a murderous piece of-"_

_"Do not insult him," interrupts Bellatrix, her voice wild with passionate rage, "Do not insult the Dark Lord!" her shrill voice sends shivers down my spine. "Show her!"_

_"Very well," says the leader in the same dead tone as before. _

_The Deatheaters part to reveal Sidney, lying on the floor helplessly shaking uncontrollably. I run to her, a Deatheater kicks me away. I feel warm blood spill from my nose. _

_"Stay back, you," says a masked figure as he points his wand at Sidney._

_"Don't hurt her," I cough through the stream of blood. He just laughs. His wordless spell drags her into a standing position. Her face as pale as death and her eyes empty, big and cold, as though all the sparkle that usually resides there had been stripped away permanently. What had they done to her while I was gone?_

_"It would be in your sister's best interest for you to come with us," the head Deatheater tells me; his words carefully meaningless. I cannot take my eyes from my sister._

_"No," whispers Sidney weakly, "don't do it."_

_"Crucio," screeches Bellatrix happily. Sidney let out a piercing scream of pain._

_"NO!" I run straight at Bellatrix. She falls into an end table and the lamp on it hits the floor with a crash. What do I do? What do I do? My breathing comes in sharp stabs. _

_"You little…" says Bellatrix as she stands._

_I can't fight them off without magic. With every beat of my heart, pain burn through my body. I remember reading about curtain types of ancient magic, in which you didn't need a wand for._

_"You will come with us or your precious baby sister dies," Bellatrix smiles. "And I will be only too happy to do it."_

_The ancient magic of sacrifice, one life to save another, I remember._

_"What have you decided?" asks the leader._

_I turn to Sidney; with her eyes wide, she shakes her head. I close my eyes fleetingly, and then open them again to stare at Bellatrix. "Kill her." I say._

_It takes a quarter of a second for any spell to travel before it hits its target. "Avada kedavra," Bellatrix shouts. I run at Sidney guarding her with my body. A flash of green light comes from behind. I feel a sharp sting as the curse hits the back of my neck, then nothing. _

* * *

_"She's coming around, Alastor."_

_"Give her room to breathe, Tonk."_

_"But look at her thrashing, isn't there something we can do."_

_"That'll be a result of the curse. Best we can do is wait for it to stop."_

_"Is she going to be alright?"_

_"Even if the curse leaves no permanent damage, no, I don't think she will be alright." _

* * *

_My body is out of my control. Thrashing, I feel something evil inside me. Pain, the pain is inside me. It hurts so bad I can't remember how to breathe. My body rises and falls violently, my arms and legs flail, as invisible flames dance inside of me, licking my flesh from the inside out. Something is trying to get out of me, scratching at my insides, tugging, burning. Then suddenly it stops. A weight is lifted and the air around me seems cool and fresh and breathable again._

_I can see again. I see the ceiling with painted stars on it, I am in my bedroom._

_"How do you feel?"_

_I sit bolt upright, in result my head begins to spin ferociously. I feel like I am going to vomit. I look around, strangers' faces zoom in and out of focus. _

_"Are you alright," says one of the strangers, a young woman with mousey brown hair._

_"Who are you," I ask, trying to open my mouth as little as possible, to keep from throwing up._

_"Don't worry, you are going to be safe now," says the woman._

_"Safe," I repeat? At least twelve people are standing around me._

_"Ow," the back of my neck is throbbing, I reach back. As soon as I press my fingers against my neck, the throbbing becomes a flaming weight in my stomach._

_I stand up and push my way through the crowd of people. They try to hold me back, but I kick and fight. I tear down the stairs._

_"Don't go down there," shouts the women from before. "Wait!"_

_I hit the landing. The welcoming sunlight of morning disorients me, it creating a mental fog. I stagger around a bit until my foot finds something soft. I look down._

_Three bodies lay in a neat little row, eyes closed, so still. As I look down at the stone cold faces of the people I loved the most in the world, cruel realization hits me. Those are just body, they are not there anymore. _

_I scream. I scream like I never knew I could. They aren't there._

* * *

Severus Snape sat rigidly in his armchair. He had read the same page of his book about twenty times without retaining a scrap of its information.

_What gives her the right,_ he thought bitterly_, what gives her the right to be so… interfering? _He then turned the page so forcefully it ripped out. The professor rolled his eyes and quickly got out his wand to repair his copy of Curses, Unforgivable. _And Dumbledore, what gives him the right to tell her to trust me. _

He hotly slammed his book down on the end table, knowing full well that he would have no luck reading. "Trust me," he spat. With that he began to pace the room feverously.

Dumbledore said that he _needed_ her. He needed no one, hadn't he proven that? No matter it will all be over soon_. _She would be out of his hands forever, come tomorrow morning. He stopped his pacing. The girl would be gone tomorrow. That is best of course and that is what Severus wanted, wasn't it?

Yes, she would be gone and he could go back to suffering in peace. No more of her following him around and nosily enquiring about his personal life. She was like a little lost puppy that you couldn't get rid of. But Severus was going to get rid of her, send her away, just as Dumbledore had told him too.

He would not have to worry about her anymore. He probably would not even ever see her again. She would no longer be his problem.

Snape's whole body stiffened. Screaming pierced the silent night, ringing through the house. _Alex_.

He race up the stairs and busted through the door to his old bedroom.

It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the darkness, but when they did the shocking scene came into view. Alex's eyes were tightly shut and her mouth was wide open letting out of her the heartrending shriek. Her torso slammed up and down on the old mattress as if being pulled by a string. She looked possessed.

Snape stood over the girl trying desperately to pin her down by the shoulders, but her intense thrashing made it impossible. The harder he attempted to restrain her, the harder she would kick and fight. "ALEX!" he yelled over her screams, trying to snap her out of whatever kind of trance she was in. Losing all patients he pulled out his wand and preformed a hasty spell. Alex's body went limp and the screaming ceased.

Severus supported her head as she began coughing and gasping for air. "Alex?" he asked uncertainly. Her eyes opened fleetingly and she looked at him as though confused of where she was. "Alex?" he asked again.

She opened her mouth, but no words came out. "What is it?" Snape pressed her.

Her eyes widened. "They aren't there anymore," she said weakly her voice hoarse from screaming.

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	20. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

The Hummingbird

(Same night)

"They aren't there anymore," I repeated.

"Who is not there anymore," asked a distant voice? I felt isolated at the bottom of a dark tunnel. Oxygen seemed to be none existent. Panic rushed through me. I kept trying to fill my lungs with no success. Where was I? I groped around in the haze of my brain to maybe find some tread of reality. "Alex?"

_Professor Snape. _I was back; I was back with Professor Snape; I was safe.

Professor Snape was standing over me, supporting me in an upright position; I felt his cold hands clutching the back of my head and my shoulder. His touch sent painful shocks of emotion down my spine almost as if he was electrocuting me. I looked into his stern, pallid face; I had not felt this safe in so long.

I leaned forward and buried me head into the professor's chest with anguished sobs. I felt his body stiffen, repulsed by my actions. I began to cry harder.

He lightly pushed me away. "What happened? Why were you screaming?"

I couldn't speak yet. He waited.

"I-" I finally started.

"Yes," he prompted; in an impatient tone.

"I saw them," I choked, "I keep seeing their faces."

Professor Snape raised an eyebrow as he understood, "So you had a nightmare." He said unsympathetically.

I felt embarrassed. "It was," I sobbed. I wrapped my arms around my own knees and rocked back and forth like a madman. "I just want to forget."

"Forget what?"

My eyes widened I could almost see their ghostly forms stand just behind the professor, cold and unforgiving. I shut my eyes tightly; tears rolled out from the sealed corners "It is my fault that they're dead. I as good as murdered them myself," I cried. I knew the professor was watching me but I could not bear to look at him. "I just feel so guilty all the time," I said in a nearly inaudible whisper. "They must hate me for what I did to them; wherever it is they are, they must hate me." I found it hard to breath and my voice was beginning to increase in volume. "I loved them so much!" I shirked. I opened eyes again and I reached out into the darkness as if I was expecting someone invisible to grab my hand. "I'm sorry," I whispered into the emptiness.

Professor Snape grabbed my wrist and lowered my arm. He observed me with an unreadable expression. I began to shake uncontrollably, with silent tears rolling down my pale cheeks.

"Lie down," Professor Snape ordered me softly.

I did as he said.

"Would you like me to make you a dreamless sleep potion?" Professor Snape offered roughly.

I shook my head.

"Fine, then get to sleep," he told me.

He began to leave.

"No," I half screamed. I caught his hand. "Please don't leave me alone." I pleaded.

Professor Snape glanced down at my fingers wrapped around his hand. I quickly let go. His black eyes peered at me through the darkness. _It was silly of me to ask him to stay_, I thought with a heavy heart and with that I rolled over on my stomach and rested my head on the pillow so that I was facing the opposite direction of the door; I didn't want to see Professor Snape walk away.

The mattress sunk slightly as the professor sat at the edge of the bed next to me.

I didn't turn around to look at him but let out a few muffled sobs into the pillow.

"I wish I didn't have to go to the order tomorrow," I said through tears. "I wish I could stay with you." I didn't want to lose anyone else I cared about.

"Go to sleep," Professor Snape finally said.

"I love you, Severus," I said softly, just in case I didn't get another opportunity to tell him.

There was a long, drawn out silence, but I did not dare look at the professor's face.

"No," Professor Snape hissed into the darkness, "you do not."

My eyes burned as I cried more into the pillow.

* * *

At last the sound of endless sobs had subsided. The girls breathing had slowed, her chest raising and falling gently. Severus carefully stood, trying to be as silent as possible. The mattress groaned from the release of his weight, but Alex remained asleep. He watched her; even though she was in slumber her eyebrows were knit together as if she was in deep thought. Her dark hair cast shadows over her clever expression. Without much thought Professor Snape swept the hair away from her face; but as the ends of his slender fingers brushed the back of her neck he felt something odd.

He lit his wand wordlessly. The light it produced casted eerily shadows along the grey walls. When he illuminated the back of the girl's neck, he was alarmed by what he found there. For Alex had a scar at the crook of her neck, a scar that could only have been created be a curse and a most evil curse at that. The scar was the distinctive shape of a lightning bolt.

Anger erupted inside him.

Dumbledore refused to answer a single one of his question, like how the girl could have escaped death when eye witnesses watched her be hit by a fatal curse and fall to the ground, unmoving.

He had wondered, before he knew of the girl's survival, why her sister would not have been saved by the sacrificial magic, for he knew only too well that it worked. He now knew that the magic would have worked if Alex had died. But why didn't she?

Then suddenly he remembered something she had told to him at Christmas. What had once seemed to be an annoying fact, suddenly seemed to be of great importance, _"Did you know that none of the unforgivable curses will work on hummingbirds, their brains are formed in a certain way, not allowing the curses to work properly?"_

Severus rushed downstairs; the pieces were finally coming together. Why the Dark Lord thought her dead and now the scar. Severus hastily picked up his book, Curses, Unforgivable; he flipped to page 66, the chapter on the killing curse, Avada Kedavra.

He feverously began to read, hungry for answers.

_Avada Kedavra, considered one of the most powerful curses known to wizard kind. With a single wave of a wand, ones opponent will be instantly deceased,_ Severus read. Of course he knew all this. Vivid images flashed to the front of his mind, of a broken old man with blank eyes falling, falling, and then out of sight. He took a deep breath and continued reading. _What really happens when performing this most extraordinary curse? The common misconception of most wizards is that Avada Kedavra directly stops the heart. No, the killing curse greatly affects the brain. _

_The human brain is a vast and complex organ. It is amazing how Avada Kedavra confounds it so effectively. The curse sends a message to the brain to completely shut down the body. The brain is necessary for survival, but when Avada Kedavra alters its natural intentions, it becomes the bodies very own self-destructor._

Severus closed the book, he had read enough. Alexandra Snape should have died, but couldn't. Her words rang in his head; _"I just feel so guilty all the time."_ His stomach churned as visions of Alex reaching out for her dead family crossed his mind.

Severus touched his palm, wondering why the girl looked to him for comfort… she had told him that she loved him and he detested her for it. How could she love him after all he has done? How could she love him when he was among the Deatheaters who had killed her family?

**Dear Readers,**

**With school starting I am going to have less time to write, but I will try to post once a week. Please review; it was my birthday a few days ago aand your comments would be the best birthday gift ever.**


	21. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

For the Love of Severus Snape

(Next day)

I thought the dreams had stopped. I woke up with a hollow feeling in my chest, but as memories of last night rushed back, humiliation seemed to bubble inside me. I knew what I had done and I wished I could take it back.

I had told Professor Snape that I loved him. I showed him weakness and vulnerability. The things I said last night, I would _never_ be able to take back.

_At least after today I probably will never see Professor Snape again._ As I thought of this, I felt a sense of loss and I knew very well why. I did love Professor Snape. Had it really come to this? Had I really become so desperate for a family that I had to love Severus Snape? But as little sense as it made to me and as much as tried to deny it, I loved him.

That didn't mean I necessarily had to like him. Quite frankly, I did not really enjoy spending time with him at all. His general lack of kindness frustrated me to no end and his nonexistent hair care regime still disgusted me. But I knew the moment that I leave he would be all I could think about. I knew that I would worry about him every moment of everyday. And I knew if it came down to it I would gladly give my life for him. I loved him with all my heart.

I slowly got dressed, dreading facing my cousin. But eventually I would have to go downstairs.

I began my descent.

I smelt eggs, as I reached the downstairs landing. I followed the smell into a small kitchen just passed the sitting room.

Professor Snape was cooking. It was odd to imagine the professor doing anything other than skulking around or yelling at students. So seeing him doing something as normal as cooking a meal seemed unbelievable.

I cleared my throat. The professor turned around from what he was doing. "Morning," I said awkwardly. He gave a curt nod of response and then returned to the stove.

I looked around at the windowless room. The tiny space made me feel a little claustrophobic. A stove, icebox and sink were crammed into one corner of the room. A bitty table and one chair were pushed in another. I leaned against the patch of wall closes to the door to stop the feeling that the walls were closing in on me.I guessed that Professor Snape didn't throw many dinner ridiculousness of the idea made me smile slightly.

"Eat," said Professor Snape as he placed a plate of scramble eggs on the small table.

I sat. "Thanks," I told him. He said nothing, but began cleaning his dishes by hand. He could have done it by magic much quicker, but I knew he didn't want the awkwardness of having to talk to me. And for that I was grateful to him.

I looked at the slimy eggs in front of me. This was not what scrambled eggs were supposed to look like. They tasted just as slimy as they looked. They slithered down my throat disgustingly, and I was left with the taste of rubber in my mouth. For someone who was supposed to be good at potion making, one would think said person could prepare something as simple as scrambled eggs, but apparently not.

I made sure Professor Snape was not looking before I vanished the eggs with my wand.

There was a knock on the front door.

"Get up and go upstairs," the professor ordered in a fierce hiss. "Do not make a single sound once you are up there."

I obeyed.

* * *

Severus looked up the stairs to make sure the girl was completely hidden before he opened the door just a crack to peer outside.

A hooded figure stood just beyond the entryways. "Draco," Severus greeted, opening the door wide enough to allow Draco Malfoy to slip inside. "And what do I owe this pleasure?"

"He sent me," Draco said trying to sound brave, but seemed to go paler as he thought of his orders.

"Ah," said Severus. "And what does the Dark Lord care to relay to me."

"He wants the girl today, He wants Al-Alex Snape now," Draco's voice shook.

"What are his reasons for wanting her now, for I was going to bring her to him in only two short days?"

"The Dark Lord does not need a reason," Draco said.

"Very well, I need to fetch her from the orphanage," Severus said.

"The Dark Lord gave me orders to go with you," Draco said quietly.

"Very well," Severus said darkly.

They were just about to apparate out when Draco said, "She's here."

"What?" Severus hissed, freezing on the spot, but then he saw what had given it away.

"That's her book bag," Draco's voice was an octave higher in pitch.

She had brought her bag down to show Professor Snape those stupid pictures. Severus said nothing.

"That's Alex's, I specifically remember," Draco remembered Alex's purple backpack placed on the tiled floor of the boy's bathroom as they sat beside each other in silence. Draco looked wide eyed at Professor Snape. "Where is she?"

"Right here," called a voice from the top of the stairs. Both Severus and Draco turned around to see Alex Snape come in to view.

**Dear Readers,**

**This chapter is the start of a series of events that will change the stories tone to be darker. There will still be plenty of funny awkward moments between Alex and Professor Snape. Draco will be coming into the story a lot more to add to those awkward moments, but the story is about to get much darker. What are your thoughts on this? Do you like the story so far? Do you have any ideas that you would like me to add? Please review.**

****Thora Jane****

**P.S.**

**Thank you so much for reading this far.**


	22. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

Snake Binds

August 15, 1997

I descended the stairs slowly. My gaze found Draco first: he avoided my eyes; He stared fixedly at a point directly above my head, looking terrified. I had a plan to keep Professor Snape out of trouble, but it would only work if Draco could keep his mouth shut. He mustn't tell anyone how Professor Snape lied about my presents in the house. Could I trust him to do that? I must. If he ever cared for me at all he would keep my secret.

I looked at Professor Snape; he looked back, fuming as if he would rather kill me himself than let Voldemort do it.

"I am ready," I told them as I reached the downstairs landing. I was no longer looking at the professor, but I could feel his glare cut into me like a knife. I held out my arm wordlessly, waiting for one of them to take me in alongside apparition. Professor Snape grabbed my wrist. I felt his fingernails digging into my flesh.

I allowed myself to glance up at Professor Snape; he grimaced down at me. I hoped he would miss me when I am dead.

We spun on the spot and apparated.

When my feet found ground again, we were on the door step of large manor house. The professor continued to grasp my wrist even more tightly.

Draco knocked on the large, dark door in front of us; it slid open with a creek.

A large Deatheater stood in the doorway. "What is it?" he asked in a rough tone.

"We brought the girl," Draco answered weakly. The Deatheater quickly move aside to let us through.

Inside the house the light was dim. The walls were painted the color of blood. I moved closer to Professor Snape as I heard the front door shut; I prayed he would not let go of my wrist.

Portraits lined the walls. They stared at us from within their dark canvases as we walked down a long hallway.

We reached a set of mahogany door at the end of the hall. I could hear whispers coming from behind it. Draco paused as he reached for the door knob; Professor Snape took over and pushed the door open without hesitation; he lead me inside and Draco followed.

The room went completely silent as we entered. There were Deatheaters everywhere and they all turned to face me.

This room was just as dark as the other. A few candles floated above, but the most light was being produced by the blue flames dancing in a huge fireplace, casting unforgiving shadows along the dark walls.

A grand arm chair stood in front of the fire. I could see the legs of the man who sat there, but the height of the chair's back blocked the man's face from view. But I had a pretty good idea of who sat there.

Above the fireplace there was a large portrait of a family all with sleek blonde hair. The family consisted of two stern looking parents and their son. The Draco in the portrait looked just as terrified as the real Draco. I pitied him for having to share his house with all these Deatheaters, but then I remembered to pity myself, for I was about to die.

I could only hear the sounds of breathing. I wished that they would just get on with it.

Then I heard a thud as something very large fell onto the floor. My heart dropped into my stomach as a giant snake slithered towards us. Strange hissing noises were coming from the man in the armchair; the snake stopped right in front of me, looking up, as if waiting for something.

A chill seemed to come over the room as the man in the armchair stood up. My hand felt numb; Professor Snape was cutting off my circulation with his grip on my wrist.

From behind the man almost looked normal; he was tall, slender and bald. I was not sure if it was just because of the dim lighting, but the man's skin was that of a corpse, so pale that it was almost blue.

A gasp escaped my lips as the man turned and revealed his face to me. I wanted to cry as I looked upon it thinking that that was the last thing I would ever see. The man had no nose, just slits like a snake. His eyes glowed red.

He looked upon me with his red eyes and then the skin stretched across his face as he smiled. It was such a cruel, horrible smile that not even death itself could erase it from my memory.

He then focused on Professor Snape. The professor did not even flinch at the Dark Lord's gaze.

"Severus," spoke Lord Voldemort. His voice was high pitched and cold like an icicle through the heart.

"My Lord," Professor Snape said coolly. He smiled slightly at Voldemort as if it was a great honor to be in his presents.

"You brought me the girl and so quickly too," said Voldemort, "very good, very good.

"Thank you, My Lord," said the professor.

I was so aware of the whole room. I could feel the power that Voldemort had over everyone. He was like a magnet; I could feel the pull of attention he was commanding from his Deatheaters as they hung on his every word. I sensed the snake at my feet; I could almost feel its impatience as it continued to wait.

Draco was still beside me, his breathing was sharp and quick; he seemed to be more frightened than I was.

I was so close to Professor Snape. Though, I knew that he could not protect me, I felt almost comforted. The warmth of his body seemed to shield me from the icy voice and evil stare of Lord Voldemort.

"Step back, Draco," said the Dark Lord, "You too, Severus. Let me stand alone with my young friend."

Draco couldn't have obeyed faster, but Professor Snape took his time. He moved away from me slowly and at the last possible moment he let go of my wrist.

My arm fell limply at my side. It felt so cold without him, like I had been thrown into a blizzard. I did not dare look back at the professor in fear of giving away my position.

Lord Voldemort walked towards me. I wanted to run more than anything. Voldemort made some more hissing sounds as he spoke parseltongue. I shuttered as the giant snake at my feet responded by wrapping its long, thick body around my ankles. The snake's grip was so tight and it was so strong, there was no chance of me ever getting away; I was its prisoner.

Voldemort stood directly in front of me. I tried to look down, but one of his cold white hands reached out and grabbed my throat, pushing my chin up, forcing me to look him in the eye.

"You live," hissed Lord Voldemort, "why?"

I opened my mouth, but it took a couple of seconds before I could actually say anything. "I am an Antilegilimens," I said in a weak, high pitched voice.

"I know that," said the Dark Lord, his eyes flashing with impatient and his voice rising in volume, "But why do you live?" He grasped my throat harder.

"None of the unforgivable curses work on me," I choked.

Voldemort released my throat. I gasped for air.

"How is that possible?" Voldemort asked. When he released me from his clutches I seemed gain some of my bravery back. I looked him straight in the eye willingly; I could see his curiosity and his greed.

I thought of Professor Snape and remembered why I was here in the first place; I felt suddenly braver. "No magic can penetrate my brain," I said stronger than before.

"Go on," pressed the Dark Lord greedily.

Hate could not even describe my feelings as I looked Lord Voldemort in the face. In a way I almost felt happy; Voldemort wanted me to join him and by dying I was depraving him of what he desired. In some twisted way it made me feel like I have the hand up over him.

I smiled at him. "The imperius curse obviously directly affects the brain, but not mine of course," I said almost braggingly. "The cruciatus curse," I continued, "triggers the part of the brain that makes us feel pain, so it cannot affect me."

"And Avada Kedavra," prompted the Dark Lord, growing even more gluttonous.

I suddenly felt powerful like Lord Voldemort. I was the magnet. Everybody in the room clung to my words. "It affects the brain as well," I said.

"How?" asked Voldemort, fiercely.

"Avada Kedavra," I paused, trying to speak slowly and precisely like Professor Snape, "does not stop the heart directly; it sends a message to the brain telling it to stop the heart for beating and then you die."

"But it cannot kill you," said Voldemort.

"No," I said roughly. "I just pass out when the curse hits me, so if you want to kill me, I suggest that you get more creative."

Lord Voldemort smiled at me in amusement. He reached out and stroked my hair gently. "That could be easily arranged," he said softly into my ear. Then he glanced down at the snake wrapped around my ankles.

I felt my eyes widen. _Was he going to feed me to his snake?_ I wondered. I hoped that whatever method he used to do me in would be quick, but then I remembered who I was dealing with.

Voldemort hissed something to his snake and I winced, ready to be bitten, but the snake released me and slithered away resentfully.

Voldemort smiled at me once again. I wished that his face was not the last thing I would ever see, but I wouldn't close my like a coward. Lord Voldemort raised his wand and pointed it right at my heart. I was honestly curious about how he was going to do it.

You know, it is a weird feeling knowing that you are about to die; I felt like it should have been a bit more monumental than this.

"Avada Kedavra," the Dark Lord shouted triumphantly.

Everything went black.


	23. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

When I fell

(Same day)

The girl collapsed onto the ground; she was completely still, dead like. Severus's leg twitched involuntarily as if to take a step towards the girl, but then he remembered himself.

The Dark Lord smiled down at the motionless girl on the floor.

Only the sounds of breathing could be heard around the room.

Voldemort walked over to the girl and prodded her with his foot. "Unconscious," said The Dark Lord, "but very much alive."

The room suddenly erupted in murmurs. "Silence," shouted Lord Voldemort. The Deatheaters fell silent immediately. "On the night," began The Dark Lord, "that my Deatheaters were ordered to kill Alexandra Snape, did anyone bother to check that you had done it properly."

"My Lord," came forth a wild looking woman with dark hair. She threw herself at Voldemort's feet. "My Lord," she said again. "Forgive us! It was not our fault; I did not know!"

"Silence Bella," hissed Lord Voldemort, as he kicked the women aside. Bellatrix crawled away shamefully.

"Severus," said The Dark Lord, focusing on Snape. "I expected better from you."

"I beg your pardon, My Lord," Snape said, bowing his head slightly.

"No matter," said Lord Voldemort as he considered the girl on the floor again. "Her blood is too valuable to spill; her power is too useful for me to waste."

"What are you saying, My Lord?" asked Snape.

"Your cousin is strong willed, Severus," said The Dark Lord, "but she can be broken."

Severus's face began blank and paler as he when deeper within himself.

Voldemort let out a piecing high pitch laugh. It looked like he was getting exactly what he wanted after all.

**Dear Reader,**

**Sorry that this chapter is so short...I kind of wrote it during chemistry class. I hope you like it. Please tell me you opinion, because I love to it.**

**Thank**

****Thora Jane*****


	24. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

Two Scars

August 15, 1997

Evil was inside me; that evil pain that scratched at my insides. Flames burned me from beneath my skin blistering my intestines.

My body was not my own; it thrashed side to side and up and down violently. I wanted more than anything to take a breath of air, but I had no say in the matter. The pain was ripping at my flesh; my heart felt as though it would explode and then nothing.

I could fill my lungs again. I was shaking uncontrollable, but besides that my body was again my own. I opened my eyes.

I was looking up at the dreary grey ceiling of Professor Snape's sitting room and lying on its hard wooden floor. A moment later the professor was standing over me.

"You are awake I see," said Professor Snape scowling down at me, pitilessly.

"Professor," I said breathily. I struggled to sit up.

"Lie down," Professor Snape ordered me.

I sat up anyway. My whole body ached from it constantly hitting the hard floor and my chest was throbbing. I looked down.

There was a rust colored, spot of dried up blood on the front of my shirt, right over my heart.

I pulled on the neckline of my shirt and peered under it. There was a thin, yet deep cut just above my left breast and it was the distinct shape of a lightning bolt.

"I stopped the bleeding," said the professor absently, "but I could not remove the scar."

"Professor?" I asked, looking up and him. My brain was so foggy.

He did not meet my eyes, but his gaze fell upon a spot on my left arm.

I could feel it now. I knew it was there even before I looked. The skin on my forearm felt tight and stung like it would after a burn from a stove.

My eyes slid over to my left and on the under skin of my forearm there was an inky black defacement that I would never get rid of. I have been marked as a servant of Lord Voldemort. I was branded with the Dark Mark.

I let out a whimpering sob and buried my face in my hands. I felt so unclean, like my very soul had been blackened.

With red eyes I looked up at the professor; he had his back to me. I fell forward and sobbed at his feet. "I want to die!" I screamed.

Professor Snape turned on the spot, the swish of his robes rushing across my face. He grabbed me from under my arms and pulled me into a standing position. I had no will to stand; my legs gave away from under me. The professor caught me before I hit the ground. He held me by the shoulders supporting my weight.

"Do not let me ever hear those words from your lips again," hissed Professor Snape.

I cried openly and loudly at his words.

"You brought this upon yourself," spat the professor.

A shriek escaped my lips. "I did not ask for this!" I managed to say.

"You did," contradicted Professor Snape harshly. "You made the choice to reveal yourself to Draco Malfoy after I specifically told you to hide." He let go of me and let me fall.

I hit the ground hard. I cried in agony, hugging my knees to my chest. "NO!" I screamed. "I never wanted this! He was supposed to kill me. Why did he do this to me? I will not do anything for him!"

Professor Snape knelt beside me. "You are smart, are you not?" hissed the professor in my ear.

I nodded through tears.

"Well then," said Professor Snape. "Did it ever occur to your brilliant little mind that I could have modified Draco's memory, make him forget you were in the house."

I nodded again. "It did occur to me," I sobbed.

Professor Snape stood up. "Then, why did you disobey me?"

"He would have been angry with you and with Draco if you failed to bring me to him. He would have hurt you!" I paused. "He already destroyed my parents and my little sister," I said angrily, tears still spilling from my eyes. "And I would rather die a hundred agonizing deaths than let him lay a finger on you."

"I am not a coward, nor am I weak!" shouted Professor Snape. "I do not need your protection."

I stood and wiped my eyes heatedly. "This has nothing to do with you needing my protection; this has to do with me needing you!"

Professor Snape scowled at me. "What is that supposed to mean?" he asked indignantly. He knew exactly what I meant.

"I LOVE YOU!" I shouted at him, "and don't tell me that I don't."

"Then you are a fool," he spat.

"Your right, because only a fool would love you," I said cruelly. "You're a complete ass!"

"Are you just realizing that now," said Professor Snape mockingly. "Anyone could tell you within five minutes of meeting me that I am an arse."

"Severus," I said softly.

"What?" he asked impatiently.

"I'm scared," I confessed. "I don't want to have to kill anyone; I don't want to be responsible for breaking up a family. I can't be a Deatheater."

He scowled at me revealing his yellowed teeth. "We all have to live with the consequences of our own actions," said Professor Snape bitterly.

I began to sob again. "I was ready to die," I wept. "It wouldn't have been bad; it would have been a relief." The professor's face softened slightly and he took a few steps forward.

"Alex," Severus said softly, in a tone that I did not recognize in his voice.

"Yes," I answered.

He immediately stole back his old demeanor, remembering to be a douche bag again. "You have no choice but to do as The Dark Lord wishes," he told me roughly. "You put yourself into this situation and you have to live with your consequences."

I ran to him and wrapped my arms around him and cried into his chest. He lifted my chin so that I was looking him in the face. His features were blurred from my salty tears.

"It is important from this moment on that you do exactly as I say," he told me. "Have I made myself plain?"

I nodded.

"You must make The Dark Lord believe that you have truly joined him," said Professor Snape. "You will be severely sorry if you do not obey Him."

"I know only too well what happens!" I cried. "Oh Severus!" I buried my face in his chest again. "I wish I were dead," I explained into his robes.

He loosed my hold on him and pushed me away softly. "And what good would you be to anybody if you were dead." said Severus as he left the room, turning out the lights with his wand as he went.

I stood alone in the dark, contemplating what he had told me. In retrospect it would seem that I was a lost cause, but maybe I wasn't, maybe I could still be good. After all, Severus was.

**Dear Readers,**

**Thank you for reading this far. I would really like to hear some of your ideas for the story. Are there any characters you would like to see more of or is there a character you think I should add in my story that I haven't already. I have most of my story planned out, but I really want to make it more enjoyable for you...so if you have anything you would like me to write about I will take your ideas to heart and see if they will fit in the storyline. I greatly value your opinion.**

**Thanks again**

****Thora Jane****


	25. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

Because I Was His

August 16, 1997

A sweat broke across my forehead and my fingers balled into fists as I slept. I tossed in the little bed and the old springs creaked.

I finally awoke with a start as I realized what was wrong. My left arm stung; the skin felt as though it was burning. I pulled up the sleeve on my night shirt to see the Dark Mark writhing and darker than before. In a moment of panic I called out.

"Severus!" I yelled, getting to my feet. "Severus!"

Without further ado, he strode into the room.

I held out my arm to him showing him the Dark Mark, as if I was a child showing him my boo-boo, hoping he would kiss it better.

"Put that away," the professor told me.

I let my sleeve fall over the infection and then stared wide-eyed at Professor Snape, waiting for farther instructions.

"Get dressed, quickly now," he ordered. "We must leave immediately."

I reached for a pair of jeans on the floor.

"Do you not have any robes?" the professor asked hurriedly.

I shook my head. "Just my school robes," I told him.

"They will have to do," he said indignantly. "Hurry!" he said, leaving the room in a swish of cloak.

I hastily fumbled through my belongings looking for my robes, which were buried at the bottom of my trunk.

Once I was dressed, I rushed down the stairs to meet Severus. My mind told me to be quick and not keep the Dark Lord waiting, but my body fought to take its time.

Severus was waiting for me in the sitting room. I reached for his arm for side along apparition, but he pulled it away.

"You know how to get there, I presume," said the professor.

I nodded. I did know. I was just wanted his arm for comfort.

With that, Professor Snape disapparate in a swish of black robes. A moment later I followed.

When my feet were firmly on the ground and my head stopped spinning, my surroundings became clear. I was once again on the front doorstep of Malfoy Manor.

Severus was nowhere in sight. He did not wait for me. This time I would enter this house of deatheaters alone and as their fellow.

I knocked on the door softly, half hoping that there would be no answer, but there was.

The door was answered by a terrifying looking deatheater, with gray matted hair and whiskers. His teeth were sharp and yellow, matching his long, dirty fingernails. His deatheater robes fit tightly over his large, hairy body.

I knew exactly who he was, although we had never met face to face; I recognized him from the wanted poster that hung all over the wizarding world. He was the man that appeared in parents' nightmares. He was Fenrir Greyback, the werewolf who specialized in children, changing them to get revenge on the parents, or eating them because he got carried away.

He looked rather surprised, but pleased to see me all the same. He smiled widely. I wondered how many throats those sharp teeth had ripped out.

"Naughty, Naughty," he said in a bark-like voice. "You are late."

I made an attempt to cross the threshold, but he put his arm out to block my way.

"What a naughty little girl you are," he said disgustingly in my face. His breath was rancid, thick with the rusty scent of blood.

"Let me through," I pleaded.

"You smell delicious," he said.

"Let me through!" I said loudly.

"I will," Greyback said, "but first you must give me a little bit."

He grabbed me by the shoulder. I struggled against him, kicking and flailing, but he was just too strong.

"Let me go!" I shouted.

"Don't worry it will be quick and painful," he whispered in my ear. I felt his hot breath on the side of my neck and then his searing, wet tongue.

I let out a piercing scream.

Suddenly he released me and I fell to the ground. He had been thrown to the side. I stood and walked through the mansion door.

Severus stood in the doorway of the room at the end of the hall, his wand pointed at the werewolf.

"Get inside," he ordered me, gesturing to the room he just came out of.

Once I was inside, he closed the door, shutting Greyback out.

As I looked around the room I wondered if being in there was much better that being back with the hungry werewolf.

The deatheaters lined the walls, circling Lord Voldemort and I had walked right into the midst of the group.

The Dark Lord had obviously been speaking to his deatheaters about something very important, of a diabolical nature I assumed, but I had so rudely interrupted him with my cries for help and now the whole room was silent and every eye was on me. Not the best impression to make on my first day on the job.

The Dark Lord's red eyes contemplated me curiously. I could not even guess if he was angry or amused.

In an act of desperation, I throw myself at Voldemort's feet. I have to convince him that I was truly a devoted deatheater. I didn't know why I had to do this, but Severus told me I should. That was the only reason I was able to bring myself to kneel in Lord Voldemort's presents, Severus. If I did not have an alternative motive I am sure I would have been begging for death rather than for forgiveness.

"Please excuse my lateness, My Lord," I said before kissing the hem of his robes. It might have seemed a bit of an over kill, but The Dark Lord certainly did not think so. He let out a shrill, cold chuckle. "It will not happen again, I swear it."

I felt sleazy and pathetic, so that is how I knew I was doing it right.

"Stand up, Alexandra," Voldemort told me softly.

I almost forgot myself and opened my mouth to correct him on my name, but then realized that it would probably be better to let his mistake slide.

I stood and was forced to gaze upon the horrible snake-like face in front of me. It was a face that I hated with all my being and to look into it with a forced expression of love and admiration seemed to kill a small part of me that I never know I had, but would sorely miss.

I kept hearing Professor Snape's words from what seemed to be lifetimes ago, _"feel nothing."_ I mustn't give away my true position. _"Feel nothing,"_ the words rang.

Lord Voldemort reached out a cold, white hand and stroked my cheek tenderly. If I had closed my eyes I would have forgotten who was touching me, for such a gentle touch did not seem to fix the man who stood in front of me.

"I am a merciful Lord," hissed Voldemort smoothly in my ear. "I can forgive your little mistake this once." He held out the word _once _on a long hiss implying that next time I screwed up I would have to pay.

"Thank you, My Lord," I said breathily. I bowed my head to give the appearance of being respectful, but in truth I was just trying to look away from his horrible face.

"What a change," hissed Lord Voldemort as he circled me like a hungry animal waiting for its prey. "Before I had taken you to be reluctant and disobedient, but now," his voice grew louder. "What a change."

I knelt on the ground again, my head still bowed to avoid Voldemort's eyes.

"I was foolish in the past," I said, my words emotionless, a skill I had picked up from Severus. "Now I know where my true loyalties lie."

There was a long silence; then finally someone spoke. "Words," shrieked a women's voice. I knew that voice. The last time I had heard it, it has shouted the most unforgiving words a person could ever utter, Avada Kedavra.

I looked up to see the expected face of Bellatrix Lestrange. Her long black hair and heavy-lidded eyes had been haunting my sleep for too long. She was the only deatheater who stood out in my memory, except perhaps the serious leader, but even he was a blur. No, Bellatrix Lestrange is who I remember and will never stop remembering. She killed them; I am sure of it. Out of all the deatheaters there that night, I bet that she is the one who put an end to them. It must have been her.

"Words!" she shrieked again, "just meaningless words."

I stood and in a rush of tangled black hair Bellatrix took my place at Voldemort's feet, but unlike me she gazed up, looking deep into his eyes with such love and awe. "My Lord, I advise you not to listen to the empty words of this little trader. Do not take her seriously, especially considering who she is related to." She turned to glare at Severus and he, unaffected, just gazed coolly back.

"Enough, Bella," said Lord Voldemort conclusively. Bellatrix did not protest; his words were final and the laws in which she religiously lived by. "Alexandra," said The Dark Lord focusing on me once again. His red eyes poured into my blue ones. My insides coiled. He was trying to use legilimency against me, I could feel it. I could feel his powers reaching for my thoughts but never touching them. I saw the frustration and anger bubbling within him. He did not know what I was thinking and that scared him.

I blinked and the connection was broken.

"My Lord," I said emotionlessly. "My power and my service are completely at your disposal."

"But how do I know to trust you?" Voldemort asked me. "Why should I not just kill you right now?"

I had to think about this for a moment. Why shouldn't Voldemort kill me, right now? The question almost reminded me of one I received while interviewing for a job at the local grocery store when I was sixteen, _"Why should I give you a job at Smile-mart, today." _I believe I said, _"Because I am nice and smart and friendly,"_ but I didn't think that that was the answer that Lord Voldemort was looking for and anyway I didn't even get that job at Smile-mart.

"I will be useful to you," I finally said, not really convincing anyone. I thought a moment longer. "I want to be here," I lied, trying to fill my mind with thoughts of Severus. _Severus told me to do this. He must want me alive._

"You want to be here," repeated Voldemort.

"Yes," I lied again. "I want to learn to use my power in a way that only you can teach me." I tried to look as lovingly into Voldemort's eyes as Bellatrix did, but it was impossible and I had to look down again. "Teach me, My Lord. Teach me and let me serve you."

"My Deatheaters killed you family, Alexandra," Voldemort hissed in my ear.

I knew what he was trying to do. I looked him in the face. "Good," I said as part of my heart went numb. "Good," I said again. "They were holding me back, I didn't realize it before, but I do now."

"Words indeed," said Voldemort. "But, are they true?"

"Yes," I assured him.

"If you were in my position, Alexandra," said The Dark Lord, "what would you do?" I kept silent for the question was rhetorical. "How can I trust someone who is so silent." He was referring to my mind. "It might be easier to just kill you right now." To kill me or not to kill me, Voldemort pondered this as if trying to decide between chicken and fish as his choice of meals at a wedding. "If I killed you it would be such a waste of power."

"Whatever you decide, My Lord, I shall face it willingly," I told him softly.

Voldemort let out a sharp, high pitched laugh, which made my ears scream in protest. "If only I had a way to know your soul, Alexandra Snape." He suddenly became quiet and thoughtful. Everyone in the room was scared to breath.

I began to scan the room of deatheaters. They were all just nameless dark figures, until my eyes found Draco Malfoy. He looked at me too. His scared, grey eyes locked into mind and for a few blissful moments we were back at Hogwarts. We were back in the hospital wing together and then under the tree by the lake. I wondered if he was thinking of those things too. Just as that thought crossed my mind I got my answer.

Lord Voldemort's head snapped towards Draco and he laughed a soulless laugh, so humorless, dry and cold.

Lord Voldemort, one of the best legilimens ever known to wizard kind, could not hear my thoughts, but he could hear Draco's.

"Draco," said Voldemort through a horrible smile. Draco was frozen with terror. "I desire your assistance. Help me find out where Alexandra's loyalties lie."

Draco hesitated.

"Do not be frightened, Draco," said The Dark Lord in a disgustingly, soft tone, giving Draco ever reason to frightened.

Draco walked over to me. I wanted to grab his hand, but knew that that would be a mistake.

"Take out your wand," ordered Lord Voldemort.

I reached into my robes for my wand.

"Not you, Draco," said Voldemort in a hiss. I looked to the side to see that Draco had his wand in hand and I watched as he nervously stowed it back into his robes. "Alexandra," Voldemort approached me, stroking my hair tenderly. "Would you do anything for me?" he asked

"Yes, My Lord." I answered softly, looking down.

"Look into my eyes, Alexandra Snape!" ordered Lord Voldemort fiercely.

I looked deeply into his eyes, sickened by what I saw. It was not the red of his eyes that frightened me; It was the emptiness that lied behind them.

"Now, tell me, would you do anything for me?" The Dark Lord asked again.

_Is he going to make me kill, Draco,_ I thought as I looked into the soulless pits that were his eyes. How far was I going to go to be with Severus? How much did I really love him anyway? "Yes," I assured Lord Voldemort. "I will do anything for you."

"You said that you wanted to learn from me," he paused, "now, this is your first lesson." He backed away from me. "Draco did not complete the task I assigned him last year. However, Mr. Malfoy was very fortunate that his job was finished for him." Voldemort's red eyes glanced over at Professor Snape once more. I knew he was referring to Professor Dumbledore's murder. Even though I knew that it was on Dumbledore's orders, the thought of Severus casting the fatal curse still made my stomach churn. Who else had he killed? "Draco needs to learn what happens to those fail Lord Voldemort," said Voldemort loudly.

I heard a muffled sob behind me. I turned to see a thin, blonde Deatheater burying her face into the shoulder of the man beside her. This man was tall and blonde like the woman, his expression was stern, although, his eyes seemed to be on the verge of tears. They were Draco's parents.

"Narcissa," said Voldemort to the women. "Draco brought this upon himself; he must learn." The women let out a most anguished sob and began to sway on the spot as if she was about to faint. Her husband wrapped his arms around her to support her weight. They were helpless, unable to do a thing for their beloved son. They could only watch and hope.

"Alexandra, you said you would do my will. I want you to teach young Draco. I want you to make him never forget his lesson," Voldemort told me.

"The Cruciatus Curse?" I asked, unsure of my orders.

"Yes," hissed The Dark Lord.

At first I almost felt relieved; I thought I was going to have to kill Draco, but as I raised my wand to Draco my heart filled with burned within me. Draco was staring at me, his grey eyes wide with fear, anticipating the terrible pain that is about to overtake him. My ears began to ring with Sidney's screams as Bellatrix Lestrange used the same curse on her that was about to be inflicted upon Draco. I opened my mouth to say the evil word, but my throat was too dry to make a sound.

"You know the spell," said Voldemort impatiently.

"Yes, My Lord," I said softly, not taking my eyes off Draco.

"Then do it; do it now!" yelled Voldemort.

"Crucio!" I yelled. My arm shook as the force of the curse shot from my wand. Draco fell to the ground and began to twitch uncontrollable. I knew I was not doing it right; he should have been in more pain.

"More!" shrieked Lord Voldemort. "You have to mean it. Give him more."

"Crucio!" I shouted again. This time Draco let out an agonizing scream that echoed through the entire house. He flailed and tossed on the floor. I could hear is mother's cries behind me.

Voldemort laughed, adding to the sounds of Draco's screams and his mother's cries. Voldemort laughed, because I was his.

**I thought it was about time for a long chapter. What did you think? Please Review.**


	26. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

Burnt Toast

(Same day)

The room erupted with chatter as the meeting came to a close. People began to disperse and disapparate, Alex was the first to go.

Draco was being helped up from the ground by his parents, he was quite shaken, but unharmed.

"Severus," said The Dark Lord.

Snape turned to see Lord Voldemort beckoning him forward.

"A word," said Voldemort.

"Yes, My Lord," answered Severus Snape.

"Leave us!" ordered Lord Voldemort in a ringing hiss to the last remaining stragglers. Everyone hastened to leave, including the Malfoys, who had been reduced to visitors in their own home. Bellatrix gave Snape a fleeting glance of jealously before disapparating. She was the last to go; Voldemort and Snape were then alone.

"Severus, I have two important matters of business to discuss with you," began The Dark Lord.

"Of course," said Snape, bowing his head respectfully.

"The first matter of concern, as you may have guessed, is your cousin," said Voldemort.

"Ah, yes," said Snape.

"You are my most loyal servant and I trust your opinion above all my other deatheaters," said The Dark Lord.

"Thank You, My Lord," said Severus.

"Now tell me, do you believe your cousin to be completely devoted to my service?" asked Voldemort.

"My Lord," said Snape as he knelt at Voldemort's feet, "Alex is as devoted to you as I am."

"Very good," said Voldemort triumphantly. "You may stand, Severus."

Snape stood.

"I still have another matter to discuss with you," said The Dark Lord.

Snape's air stiffened as he waited for The Dark Lord to go on.

"I desire more information on the Order of the Phoenix," said Voldemort. Nagini, Voldemort's large snake slithered across the floor, up Voldemort's body and wrapped herself around his neck like a huge, scaly scarf.

"So you want me to investigate the old headquarters," said Snape his eyes watching the snake.

"Yes," Voldemort hissed, impressed that he had not needed to explain himself to Severus. "I need information, plans, disregarded papers, anything that I can use."

"Yes, My Lord," Snape bowed.

Voldemort turned his back to Severus, facing the fire and putting an end to the conversation.

Severus was about to disapparate when Voldemort spoke again. "Oh Severus," he said. "Take Alexandra with you."

Severus gave a fleeting nod, and then vanished.

When his feet found ground again he was in his own sitting room and it was just as he had left it.

Severus began to pace back and forth around the room, a favorite pastime of his, that he used to rid himself of his frustration; it never worked.

Severus let out a solitary, humorless laugh. The situation that he now found himself in was funny really; if you think about it.

"Is this what you wanted to happen, Old Man?" Severus asked Dumbledore's spirit. Snape began to pace faster. Dumbledore had thrown this girl to the wolves. Dumbledore could have kept her safe from all this; he could have taken Alex to the Order immediately after her family's death and never have brought her to Hogwarts, but Dumbledore did not care about the girl's safety. It was so like Dumbledore to use people for his own gain, but in Alex's case, he was not using her for himself but for Severus's benefit and Snape did not even want her to begin with. Dumbledore used her like he has used Harry and like he was using Snape now. Where Severus stood no one seemed to be better off by Dumbledore's help and yet he still obeyed the old orders of that dead man.

Severus stopped his aimless pacing as he remembered that Alex was probably in the house somewhere.

"Alex," He called out.

No answer.

"Alex!" he called a bit louder.

Again there was no answer.

Severus worried to where the girl was if she was not in the house. He suddenly got a flashback to an earlier conversation they had had. "I want to die," she had told him.

"Alex!" he yelled as he took long strides around the lower level of the house, peering into each room.

Suddenly as if contradicting his concern, a slight cough could be heard coming for upstairs.

Severus hurried up the stairs and once he reached the landing he stopped to listen. There was another cough and then the choking, lurching sound that came from someone who was being violently sick. Severus connected the sounds as coming from the lavatory.

Severus swung open the door to find his cousin half passed out with her arms resting on the seat of the toilet.

He rolled his eyes at what he had to deal with; not only was this girl a pain, she also had an active gag reflex, which made matters all the more worst.

"Alex!" shouted Severus to wake the girl up.

Alex glanced up weakly and gave Severus a wide, watery flash of her blue eyes before vomiting again into the toilet.

"Oh God," said Severus irritably. He reached towards the girl and held her long black hair away from her sick.

Before Severus could make any remarks on the girl's weakness of mind, body and stomach, Alex collapsed on the floor in a faint.

Severus pulled out his wand ready to perform a spell to revive the girl so that he could scold her properly when he really got a good look at the sickly state of the child in front of him.

She lay on the tiled floor shaking and breathing heavy. Her hair was askew and damp with sweat. She was paler than ever and her skin was clammy. Sick was caked on the corners of her mouth, the thin, pinkish acidity that occurred with malnourishment.

Severus had not noticed before that moment how much thinner Alex was since she had been at Hogwarts. Her school robes, which she still wore, hung limp and lifelessly off her small frame.

Severus bent to clean the residue from his cousin's mouth. Then he took Alex in his arms, which wasn't difficult and carried her downstairs to the sitting room. He placed her on his worn couch gently. Severus knelt at the girl's side and brushed the hair away from her face with his long, slender fingers. She was completely unresponsive to his touch or his presence.

"Renovate," Severus said as he pointed his wand at Alex. Her eyes opened fleetingly, but then closed again. "Alex, Alex," he called to her. Her eyes flickered again. Severus raised her into a sitting position with his left hand supporting her head. "Alex." He raised his wand and a small vial of blue liquid came floating towards him. "Alex, drink this," he ordered her. Without opening her eyes she parted her lips slightly. Severus poured the potion into her mouth and Alex choked it down.

"Better?" Severus asked her as he laid her back down.

* * *

Tears came from the corners of my shut eyes. "Yes," I said in a weak whisper. I opened my eyes to see Severus right beside me. As he stared down at me I wondered what he thought of me now for using an unforgiveable curse. Was he shocked that I could have ever done something so horrible? Or was he proud that I followed his instructions so well? Then I pondered which one was worse.

"Was Draco okay?" I asked him nervously.

The professor nodded.

_Thank God,_ I thought.

There was a long silence.

"Draco will hate me now," I said finally as a few tears fell from my eyes.

"That is not of great concern," Severus told me. "You did what you had to."

I figured that in the language of Professor Snape, which is a tongue that no one will ever quite understand; these words were meant to be comforting, sort of. _Don't worry that you friend hates you; you had to cause him excruciating pain._

I let out an audible sob at the thought of what I had done. I curled my knees to my chest to stop the feeling that my insides were going to explode. "I am evil now, aren't I?" I asked in a half shriek.

Severus stared at me for a long moment with his emotionless, black eyes. "No," he finally said.

I sat up shakily. "You really believe that?" I asked him, my words less hysterical.

"Yes," he said seriously.

Just his two short answers of _no_ and _yes_ made my tears stop falling.

Severus stood.

"You need nourishment," the professor proclaimed.

I stared up at him. "Are you going to cook for me again?" I asked him.

He looked at me as if to say 'What a stupid question, how else do you expect to eat?' but never the less he nodded.

"Oh," I said with exaggerated disappointment.

"What?" Severus asked exasperatedly.

I laughed. "You are a horrible cook."

He looked at me with mild disbelief. "Then what do you suggest we do?" Severus asked irritably, yet I did not think he was as annoyed as he let on, "seeing that you are in no condition to cook."

"You could order pizza," I suggested.

"Deatheaters do not order pizzas," he said as he walked into the kitchen.

Severus came sulking back five minutes later with two pieces of burnt toast on a chipped plate.

"You burnt it," I playfully told him as he handed me the plate.

"Just eat it," he told me impatiently

I laughed at his frustration. "Toast, really how hard is that," I joked.

"Eat," Severus ordered me.

I looked at him and smiled and he looked at me and of course didn't smile. "Okay Severus," I said before I took a bite. "Thank You."


	27. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

The House of Number 12

(Same day)

After I finish my burnt toast I was feeling much better.

"How do you feel?" Severus asked me from a sideways glance.

"Better," I told him. I pulled out my wand and sent the chipped plate back to the kitchen, where it would wash itself and put itself away. I stood slowly. My knees shook a little, but never the less held my weight.

"Then we must go." Severus said shortly.

I looked up at him. "Go?" I asked.

"Yes," Severus said looking away from me. "We must go to the previous headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix."

"Why do I have to come?" I questioned.

Suddenly angry, Severus sharply turned his head to me, his long black hair sweeping around his face with the swiftness of his motion. His black eyes were glaring into mine. I flinched. "You have to come," he spat, "because you are a Deatheater and Deatheaters have to do what the Dark Lord orders them to do. He wishes us to go and that is what must happen."

I looked at him with wide eyes; a small hiccup of a sob escaped my lips.

"Don't," said Severus irritably.

I began to cry harder.

Severus rolled his eyes and walked to me. Then he roughly grabbed my shoulders. "Look," he told me with forced calmness. "I did not mean," he paused trying to think of the right thing to say in this situation, "to hurt your feelings," he finished awkwardly, looking completely disgusted with himself. I looked at him through my haze of tears, touched that he would actually attempt to not be a douche on my account.

Severus removed his hands from my shoulders. He looked at me inquisitorially, waiting for me to say something.

I stared at him for a long moment thinking about what he had said. I hastily wiped the tears off my cheeks. I had cried enough about my situation, it was done; I was a Deatheater. I let out a quick sigh and shook my arms out.

"Okay," I told him, "okay, let's go."

Wordlessly Severus held out his arm to me. I took it and like every other time we touched I felt safe, like nothing could ever hurt me.

The sensation of apparition came over me and we were gone from the familiar territory of Professor Snape's small house on Spinner's End, embarking on Lord Voldemort's mission.

My feet found ground and Severus and I were in front of a door with a small golden number twelve plastered on it right above the knocker.

I turned and looked out onto the street. Streetlights began to turn on, dogs barked and a mother in number thirteen called out to a little boy on a bike, "Toby, it is time for dinner." It seemed to be just a typical, harmless muggle neighborhood. But at the door in which we stood seemed to inspire a strange sense of nervousness and fear. Maybe it was the peeling paint on the old door that gave the place a feeling of neglect and loneliness or the piercing silence that came screaming through the walls of the house. Or maybe it was the darkness that seemed to seep from the inside windows out, assuring me that no neighborhood child would ever play on this doorstep. Or maybe I was just being ridiculous, but whatever it was I was scared.

I still held Severus's arm. He began to pull it away.

"Please Severus," I said somewhat desperately, "let me hold your arm."

Professor Snape gave me a quick glance of exasperation before taking his arm back.

The feeling of safety I had vanished.

"There will be obstacles," said the professor more to himself than to me.

The professor pulled out his wand, whispered "Alohomora," and the door swung open. The thick darkness from inside seemed to blind me. "Stay," Professor Snape ordered as if I was a dog.

He walked into the old house and disregarding his wishes completely, I followed him.

The door shut behind us. At first I was sure I had lost my sight, I had never experienced such a darkness in my life. I pressed myself against the door, breathing heavily.

"I thought I told you to wait outside," said Professor Snape in a furious whisper as he heard me next to him.

"I want to help you," I hissed back. I tried to take a few steps forward, but my foot caught on something and I flopped to the ground and the object I had tripped over fell too with an echoing clatter.

I felt two hands yank me into a standing position.

"You cannot be any help," Professor Snape began angrily in a little more than a whisper. "You are nothing more than a troublesome little-"

But the rest of the professor's speech got cut off as a curtain parallel to the front door flung open to reveal a painting of a very agonized, old women screaming at the top of her lungs.

"MUDBLOODS, BLOODTRAITERS AND FILTH!" shrieked the lady, "OH HOW MY ANCESTORS MUST WRITHE IN THEIR GRAVES! THIS IS THE NOBLE AND MOST ANCIENT HOUSE OF BLACK!"

All the portraits around her began to shriek as well, I don't think they felt nearly as strongly on the subject as she did, but just screamed for the fun of it. How boring it would be to be a painting.

Severus took a few steps toward the painting of the hysterical woman and suddenly there was complete silence. At first I fancied Severus to be such a powerful wizard he needed not even touch the portraits to silence them, but I soon realized that that was not the case.

"Severus Snape," whispered a rough male voice in the darkness. The coldness of this voice was more alarming then the screaming portraits.

Severus and I both instinctively lit our wands. With our wand light eliminating the entryway, it became clear to both of us that there was no one there. I looked at Severus, his eyes darted back and forth across the room waiting for something to happen.

I was about to ask 'what was going on,' but suddenly something whooshed over me like a blast of cold air.

I began to gag on my own tongue as is curled back into my throat. It was the Tongue-Tying Curse. I felt as though I was suffocating and I stammered and panicked. Severus ignored me. I could tell that he was experiencing the same thing that I was, but he was calm. He just held his wand out in front of him, ready to respond at any moment.

We moved a few steps deeper into the house and my tongue unraveled again.

"What-," I began, but stopped as something began to rise from the carpet just in front of where we stood. I could feel my blood run cold.

The thing rose into the form of a man, tall, dust colored and horrible. The figure began to glide toward us, its waist-length hair and beard flowed behind it. Its face was sunken and fleshless and it looked at us through its empty eye sockets. I screamed, causing the portraits to follow suit.

"FILTH! FILTH IN THE HOUSE OF MY FATHERS!" screamed the lady in the portrait.

"It was not of my will that you died!" yelled Severus over the cries of the portraits.

At his words the figure exploded into a cloud of dust and it was over.

Severus pointed his wand at the portrait of the screaming woman. "SHUT IT!" he yelled as sparks admitted from his wand. The curtains around her closed and she was silent.

That whole thing was a trap for Severus set by the Order to make sure he could never enter the ex-headquarters again, but little did they know that Severus Snape was an innocent man and no tongue tying or old dust figure could keep him out.

I ran to Severus and whimpered into his chest. He placed a protecting hand on my shoulder. He then pointed his wand in every corner of the room until he was satisfied that it was safe.

He did not remove his hand from me nor did he speak for a long time. We just stood there silently together recovering from what had just occurred, I felt his grip tighten on my shoulder and then he let go.

"We must continue with our orders," Severus said finally. "The Dark Lord does not take kindly to those who make him wait."

"Okay," I agreed, my words shaking like the rest of me. "What am I looking for?"

"Papers," Severus told me, "any information you can find."

"And what if I do find important information?" I asked.

Severus understood my meaning. "The Order of the Phoenix was careful about what they left lying around; I do not suspect that you will find anything of great usefulness," he said.

I nodded.  
He began to climb the nearby staircase.

"You're going upstairs?" I asked in a panic.

Severus made an irritated gesture towards the steps that he stood on before walking up them and leaving me alone.

I took in a sharp breath. I was not afraid of the dark, but I was afraid of being in this house alone, in the dark.

With the light from my wand I observed my surroundings. I glanced over at the spot where that horrible figure had risen from the ground. The spot looked completely harmless now. The thing I had tripped over earlier was in fact a troll's leg made into an umbrella holder. It was so gross I couldn't even touch it to replace it into its previous position.

I began to walk further into the house, every moment expecting something to jump out at me and scream boo.

Cruel faced portraits scowled down at me from their dark canvases. Loud creaks and moans came from the floorboards as I walked across them; they seemed to be speaking to each other, giving the feeling that this house was alive.

I tried to keep my mind on the task at hand. It was quite easy to find sheets of disregarded papers and note, for they lied all over the floor. It was clear that this house was abandoned in a great hurry.

Soon enough, I had collected a very large stack of papers from the bottom level of the house and I was convinced that none of them could be in any bit of use to Lord Voldemort, so it was a mission accomplished.

I heard Severus thumping around upstairs; at least I hoped it was Severus, who knew what kind of creepy things lurked in this house.

I began to walk up the stairs to find Severus, we had been here quite long enough and I thought it would be wonderful if we could get the hell out of this place.

As I climbed the stairs I noticed the decapitated heads of house-elves mounted on the walls like art. I moved along faster, worried that the heads might start talking to me.

"Severus," I called out softly as I reached the upstairs landing. "Severus."

There was no answer. I began randomly choosing doors and peering inside.

"Severus," I whispered into the darkness of one room, afraid to speak louder as to not awake some horrible beast that might live in this house.

No answer.

There was only one door I had not yet tried. I slowly pushed it open like I had the others, but this time it did find Severus.

He knelt on the ground hunched over a scrap of paper. His back was to me, but I could see his body shaking and I could hear soft, muffled moans coming from his direction. Was Severus Snape crying?


	28. Chapter 27

Chapter 27

Lots of Love, Lily

(Same day)

Severus's moans grew louder and more anguished, confirming that he was in fact crying.

It this situation most people would have left quietly, before their presents was made known and never speak of what they saw to anyone ever, but not me. You know why, because I am stupid.

They say that curiosity killed the cat; I never quite understood what that meant. I mean, why should I care I didn't even own a cat.

I took a few steps toward my cousin, still unnoticed by him. My brain was working fast. _What should I do? What should I say? _Although in my stupidity I never even considered that I was invading upon Professor Snape's privacy or if I should run in the opposite direction while I still can.

I was right behind him now.

Tears rolled down his long, hooked nose onto a crinkled bit of old letter he was reading, blotting the ink.

I read over his shoulder:

could ever have been friends with Gellert Grindelwald. I think her mind's going, personally!

Lots of love,

Lily

It was the end of letter and the content made no sense without its other half; although, I did recognize the two names mentioned. Grindelwald, a dark wizard that Dumbledore defeated, everyone knew that, and Lily. My mind flashed back to the little bedroom at Spinner's End and the crayon drawing of little Severus and the pretty, redhead girl, Lily.

Severus set down the bit of the letter lovingly beside him and gazed down at a photograph in which he had also been holding.

The photo was of a toddler, with black hair and green eyes riding a small broomstick. There were also two adults in the portrait, who were obviously the toddler's parents. The little boy was, for the most part, his father in miniature, but he had his mother's eyes. His mother, a redhead beauty, stood laughing as her husband clumsily chased after their son.

I recognized this family. Pictures of them appeared in books and old newspapers with a following story that told the tale of the most famous of all Lord Voldemort's murders.

I finally worked up the courage to touch Severus's shoulder consolingly.

I pulled my hand away hastily as what seemed to be an electric shook emanated from Severus's body.

He stood quickly and faced me. He was breathing heavily, like an angry bull before it shish kebabs a matador with one of its huge sharp horns. Severus's eyes were burning red, like the flaming pits of hell as he stared down at me with the most hateful expression I had ever seen. He did not speak, but clenched his teeth together; I did not know if it was because he was trapping anguished cries behind his lips or maybe he was just resisting the urge to bite my head off.

"Lily Potter," I said timidly. "You were in love with Lily Potter."

Something seemed to die behind the professor's bloodshot eyes. No, that wasn't quite right; it was as if I was seeing the shadow of something that had died long ago.

"You are still in love with her," I said in bold realization.

Severus found his voice. "GET OUT!" he screamed. "GET OUT!"

"Severus, I-"

"GO!"

I clumsily spun on the spot. The last glimpse I had of Severus was of him falling to his knees as if his last "GO!" took all the strength he had left in him.

I was once again in the dreary sitting room at Spinner's End.

The room was completely silent except for this annoying dripping sound. I took me a long time before I realize that my thumb was bleeding and droplets of my blood were falling rapidly onto the hardwood floor. I was missing my fingernail; I had splinched myself.

I took out my wand. My body trembled as I repaired the damage to my thumb, but it was not because of the blood.

To me, Severus had always been so untouchable and unbreakable; to see him fall to the floor, a broken man frightened me beyond any amount of shouting. I felt completely powerless to help him for though he had proven himself breakable, he was still untouchable. My uselessness towards him and my burning desire to help began tugging at my insides and I broke down on the worn sofa, feeling defeated.

* * *

August 17, 1997

Severus apparated into a dead playground. Night had fallen and all the loud, little children who normally infested it during the day were fast asleep in their beds.

A tiny weight was in the pocket of Severus's robes, the end of the letter and a half of the old photograph, the half with Lily laughing. The little boy and his father were disregarded on the floor of the dingy, old house, but never forgotten.

The weight in his pocket could hardly tip a scale, but it was a heavy weight to Severus. The picture and the letter seemed to keep him grounded, like an anchor to a balloon. Most days Severus felt as though he would just blow away, but this new weight was a happy burden.

The swings creaked as the wind blew across the playground. Severus walked over to them. Once upon a time a little girl played on those swings. The first time Severus ever saw her, she was swinging. He was young, but he remembered thinking that she was the most beautiful creature that he had ever set eyes on. And to that day he had never met a woman that could compare to her beauty.

As she kicked off of the ground her long red hair was swept forward in a lovely mess around her face and then brushed back, flowing gracefully behind her. Her smile was like hope and her large, green eyes sparkled with delight as she swung ever higher, laughing for she could touch the sky.

When Severus was a young boy he would watch the girl from the shelter of the nearby shrubbery before he could actually work up the courage to speak to the angel.

Severus almost sat on one of the swings, but did not; they had become rusted over time and were only the sad remains of what they had been in there former life, a life with Lily. Never the less, he knew he would look quite ridiculous, a grown man, in wizard's robes, swinging.

It was nearly dawn now and Severus knew it was about time he went back to Spinner's End. Although, he was not ready to deal with that little brat asking questions and looking at him with inquisitor eyes or talking in general, but like when he was a child, dreading going home to his parents bickering, he did anyway. So he began walking back to Spinner's End.

Silently Severus unlocked his door and walked into his house.

The light of the rising sun slowly began to creep underneath the heavy curtains of the sitting room, dimly eliminating the leather bound books and worn furniture.

Sleeping on his old sofa was Alex, arm over the edge and a distressed expression on her face.

She had been waiting up for him. For some reason this annoyed Severus; although, he was rather relieved that she was asleep, but he knew he would have to face her sooner or later. He preferred the latter.

Squeaky floorboard, _Damn it_, he thought.

"Severus," said a soft voice behind him. He cringed at the sound of his own name.

* * *

Professor Snape turned around to look at me. I was almost relieved to see his irritated expression compared to what I saw last night.

"Go to bed," he said indignantly.

"But its morning," I told him nervously. His black eyes slide to the ancient grandfather clock against the wall; it was 5:00 am making his order to me invalid.

"Severus," I said softly. "You can talk to me, I understand."

"You understand nothing," he said fiercely as he turned to leave.

"Oh, don't I?" I said suddenly irritated.

Severus stopped in his tracks.

"My parents and sister were murdered!" I exclaimed angrily. "And if that wasn't enough I had to leave and everyone else I care about thinks I am dead as well! So if you think that I do not understand loss, you are very much mistaken."

"At least it was not your fault," said a weak voice. It took me a moment to realize that it was Severus who had spoken.

"What?" I said in alarm.

I could not see his face, but I knew he regretted speaking.

"Did you-" I began, but Severus cut me off.

"Don't you dare question it," he ordered in that same broken tone. "Please."

I was stunned to hear him using his manners for once.

"It is my fault my family died," I said in some way trying to be a comfort to him, "It was my power The Dark Lord wanted (wants) and my fault he sent deatheaters after us."

Severus said nothing. I walked over to him and gently touched his arm.

"I love you, Severus." I whispered, "and I am glad I still have you."

He did not turn around so I began to walk away.

"Alex," said Severus.

I turned around. Professor Snape was facing me and his black eyes searched my expression as if looking for falsehood.

"Yes, Severus."

"It was not your fault, your family died," he said surprisingly softly.

"Thank you," I said. I wasn't sure I believed him, but I was touched never the less.

* * *

Severus watched the girl as she made her way up the stairs. He did not know exactly how he felt about her, but he hated feeling confused so he decided that he probably just hated her as well.

And Severus found it annoying that the girl blamed herself for her family's murder. He did not know why it irritated him so much but it did. It was not her fault; if anything it was his.


	29. Chapter 28

Chapter 28

Love, Trust, and Safety

(Same day)

I shut myself behind the door of the tiny room in which I slept.

I felt exhausted. The minuscule amount of sleep I had received last night was full of worry and distress. Now that I had made peace with the professor a sense of blissful relief washed over me and I collapsed onto the bed. From my lips I let out a relaxed sigh and then a wide yawn.

I closed my eyes and was about to drift off into a dreamful escape when I was forced back into reality.

The dark mark on my left arm seared.

"Get up," I had to tell myself.

I managed to bring myself to a standing position and shook my head vigorously to wake up.

I rushed downstairs to find Severus holding the rather large stack of papers we had collected last night at the ex-headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix.

He roughly handed them to me. I was suddenly weighed down with all the useless disregarded scrapes of rubbish.

"You can present these to The Dark Lord," Severus told me.

"Thank you," I said, my tone dripping with sarcasm, wondering if that was supposed to be Severus's idea of a treat.

He rolled his eyes. "Give the papers to him and you will be rewarded."

"How will I be rewarded?" I asked, remembering when I was in kindergarten and the teacher would sometimes reward us with candy for spelling our names correctly.

"The reward is," said Severus dryly, "that he will be pleased and will not decide to kill you at present." I think that Severus was trying to be funny, but I couldn't say for sure.

"What a comfort," I said my voice full of irony, wishing I would get the candy instead.

"Do as I say," Severus warned.

I nodded.

"Now we must go," said Severus. "The Dark Lord does not take kind to those who are late."

We apparated onto the familiar doorstep of Malfoy Manor. Severus knocked.

The door swung open and to my extreme displeasure, the man standing in the doorway was none other than Fenrir Greyback, large, dirty and wore a never ceasing look of greedy hunger. What was he, the one man Deatheater welcome wagon committee?

I shuttered at the sight of him as flashes of our last encounter flooded back to me.

The werewolf smiled at me hungrily, revealing every one of his sharp, yellow teeth. I took as few steps backwards. Greyback slowly approached, filling my nostrils with his distinct scent of dirt, sweat and blood, but then upon seeing Severus recoiled.

Severus took me by the arm and marched me through the door. Greyback just stood back and let us pass, not daring to touch me when I was with Severus.

Once we were away from the door and the werewolf, Severus pulled me closer to him. "He is not a true Deatheater," Severus whispered in my ear. I turned my head slightly to look at Greyback.

"I don't understand," I whispered back.

"He is a werewolf," Severus hissed. But of course, Lord Voldemort hated non-humans, half breeds, muggles and muggle-borns, so why would he approve of werewolves.

I glanced back at Greyback waiting by the door for the arrival of more of his fellows, his large stomach protruded out of his black deatheater's robes.

"Then why-"

"He is permitted to wear the robes," cut in Severus, "but he hasn't a Dark Mark upon his arm nor is he allowed to attend meetings unless The Dark Lord has a job for him to do. That is why he is always at the front door."

Severus let go of my arm.

I almost felt pity for him, an outcast, even among this lot, but then I remembered that he wanted to eat me and all sympathy was lost.

"Severus," I whispered.

"What?" he asked in an impatient hiss.

"You will never leave me alone with him, right?" I asked a little apprehensively.

Severus said that he wouldn't and I felt instantly safer.

We walked through a door off to the side, a different room than before. This room seemed to be a sort of dining hall turned conference room. There was a very long, shiny, wood table, one that would fit very nicely in a medieval castle.

Deatheaters were taking their seats around the table. Lord Voldemort sat at the head, ignoring everyone around him, his palms together and his eyes closed as if in prayer. I wondered what kinds of evil he was planning next.

I was afraid to move, worried that I might interrupt Voldemort's thoughts. Severus bravely strode over to the table and took the seat to Voldemort's right.

I made to sit beside Severus, but he gave a sharp nod towards the chair at the very end of the table, far from him but thankfully far from Lord Voldemort.

The Malfoys sat at the end of the table too. I took a spot next to Draco, who was staring at his hands in his lap. He glanced up at me as I sat, but then his gaze immediately fell downward again.

I wondered if he was remembering the agony of the Cruciatus curse. I wondered if he could still hear my voice uttering the words that had caused him so much pain.

I gave my head a little jerk, turning to physically shake the memory out of my own head. A Deatheater meeting was not the time or place to make myself sick.

Many other deatheaters joined the party. It became clear to me that they arranged themselves in order of rank. Only the most accomplished deatheaters were granted the privilege to sit beside Voldemort. Severus and a deatheater I recognized to be called Yaxley sat on either side of Voldemort, looking very tall and impressive. Many of the other deatheaters stared at Severus and Yaxley with looks of admiration, but others like Bellatrix Lestrange glared at them with envy.

Bellatrix sat next to Severus and she eyed him with hatred, for he was the wall that was separating her and her master.

Then there were those of us who sat at the end of the table, farthest from the Dark Lord. We were the ones who sat with are eyes casted down; for we had not yet proven ourselves to Voldemort or worst we had failed him.

I wondered what the Malfoys had done to deserve their seats and then I wondered what Severus had done to earn his. What had he accomplished to receive such a high honor? In my mind's eye I saw the cheerful, old face of Albus Dumbledore.

I gave my head another little jerk.

Whatever it took to get a seat beside Lord Voldemort, I hoped that was an honor that I would never receive.

"Well then," said Voldemort. His voice was less than a whisper but it cared across the long table and commanded instant silence "Let us begin."

And so the meeting began.

On one bring-your-daughter-to-work day in the fifth grade, my dad took me to the bank where he worked and I went into a meeting with him. I remember being extremely bored. My dad was an investments consultant, so as you would imagine, the conversation was less than invigorating. In a way, the dry, business-like manner in which the deatheaters conducted their meeting reminded me of the one at my dad's office, but instead of discussing investments and money, the deatheaters discussed murder and destruction.

It was terrifying how calmly they planned to kill and even more frightening how unaffected I was by the talk. In retrospect it was just as boring as the meeting at the bank.

"Severus," said the Dark Lord. "What information do you bring to me from the Order of the Phoenix?"

It was my queue. I stood and quickly walked towards Voldemort with the stack of paper from the excursion at the ex-headquarters. Every eye followed me on my long journey to the head of the table where Voldemort sat.

When I finally reached The Dark Lord I knelt and presented him with the papers, my head bowed in order not to look at him.

"My Lord," I said. "This is what we collected for you."

A white hand crossed into my line of sight and took the papers from me.

I looked up but did not stand.

"There is a map," said Severus as he bravely reached across Voldemort and pulled a ripped map out from the pile of papers. "You can see that various locations on it have been mark, these could be possible hiding places of Potter."

"Yes," hissed Voldemort, looking at the map Severus showed him.

"There are also incantations written on some of these pages." Severus pointed out the scribbled spells to Voldemort. "Many are protective spells," said Severus, "If we could better understand them we may be able to infiltrate protected locations of the Order."

I was impressed how Severus was able to make the useless pieces of crap we found sound meaningful.

"Very good, very good," said Voldemort to Severus, then he focused his attention on me, who was still knelt at the side of his chair.

He reached his spider-like, white hand to my face and cupped my chin so that I was forced to look up into his eyes.

"You have done well, Alexandra Snape," hissed The Dark Lord, squeezing my chin. His hand was so cold.

"Thank you, My Lord," I said as emotionless as possible, trying to imitate Severus's stony, calm manner.

At my words, Voldemort released my chin to take up stroking my black hair tenderly. If I was not looking into the face of The Dark Lord I would have thought it was someone else touching me.

"I hoped you would be pleased, My Lord," I whispered.

I felt hatred and jealously radiating off Bellatrix. In fact, I felt many envying eyes on me. Despite myself, I relished in the feeling of being the object of envy. I almost felt proud, but then frightened because I had discovered a joy in being a deatheater.

"You my stand," hissed The Dark Lord softly.

I did and so did he, putting an end to the meeting.

The other Deatheater's stood and broke into chatter.

"I must speak with you, Severus," said The Dark Lord to Professor Snape, "privately."

I watched as Severus followed Voldemort into the next room. I wondered what The Dark Lord wanted with Severus. As the door shut behind the two, my heart began to beat faster; I was in a room full of deatheaters and Severus was not there to protect me.

"Don't you think you are special," called a jeering voice.

Bellatrix Lestrange approached me. The room fell silent.

"No, not really," I retorted. Every eye in the room was on us now.

"You little brat," said Bellatrix her eyes burning. "Don't you dare think that because The Dark Lord was pleased that he now favors you. You who did defy him in the beginning! I see through your little act!" she paused to glare at me with her stinging, sunken eyes. I hated her with every fiber of my being, she who killed my family. "I went to Azkaban for him!" she yelled passionately, "and I would gladly do it again, all for him, all for the Dark Lord." As she finished her voice shook as if she was about to cry with passion.

"Oh," I said with mock sympathy, "you went to Azkaban for him. How very touching." At my words she pulled out her wand and I pulled out mine. "And by the way, I know I am not his favorite, Severus is." I smiled because I knew she could not deny it.

Sparks shot out of her wand and I was knocked to the ground. I swiftly got back to my feet and laughed at her. "You hate it that he prefers, Severus over you. You went to Azkaban, are you proud of that? At least Severus was not stupid enough to get caught!" I heard gasps around the room.

"Crucio," Bellatrix yelled trying to curse me. Nothing happened; she had forgotten.

I laughed again.

Suddenly an invisible knife cut across my face. Hot blood gushed down my cheek, my neck, my chest. I wobbled in my stance and soon lost my footing and fell to the ground.

Now it was her turn to laugh as she stood over me, bloody and weak.

"Are you proud of your goody cousin Severus Snape?" she asked.

I managed to say that I was.

"I killed your Father first." Bellatrix spat at me.

I was frozen, just lying on my back at her feet, listening.

"He tried to hold us off," Bellatrix told me.

Images of my father with outstretched arms flashed before me, shielding my mother and sister with his body.

Bellatrix laughed, high and cruel. "What a foolish muggle your father was, stupider than most I think," she said smiling. "So I had to teach him a lesson before he died and I made your mother watch."

I squeezed my eyes shut and bit down on my tongue until it bled, just trying to suppress my anguished cries, trying to pretend that I did not care.

"Then I killed your mother," said Bellatrix, "She pleaded and pleaded with us to let your precious baby sister go. It was very irritating so I had to silence her once and for all."

In my mind's eye I saw my mother's lifeless body fall to the ground, I could imagine the light thud it made when it hit the floor. Blood filled my mouth as I bit down harder on my tongue.

"Then there was your sister." I could almost see Sidney, scared and alone, stand amongst deatheaters and the bodies of our dead parents. "I unfortunately was not the one who had the pleasure of killing her," said Bellatrix resentfully, "although, I did get a chance to play a few games with your baby sister, but she lost."

Anger was building inside me from the start and it reached its peak and I lost control.

I swept my leg underneath her feet and she collapsed onto the ground hard. I stood with newly found energy.

I pointed my wand at Bellatrix. "Expelliarmus!" I shouted. Her wand went skidding across the floor.

She looked up at me with her wide sunken eyes and screeched with laughter. "Do you want to know who killed your baby sissy?" sang Bellatrix.

"Who?" I yelled, stabbing the air above her chest with my wand.

She began to laugh again.

"TELL ME!" I ordered.

"But did he ever tell you?" she simpered as she stood to her feet again. "Oh, no, he really should of."

My heart was beating faster and I was out of breath as if I had just run a marathon.

"Tell me," I hissed, already knowing the answer.

"Severus Snape," she whispered.

"CRUCIO!" I shouted and Bellatrix Lestrange let out a piercing scream of pain and again fell to the ground.

None of her fellow deatheaters came to her aid; they just watched as I tortured her.

I could have almost laughed; my heart was filled with the wicked desire to cause her as much pain as possible.

She writhed in front of me.

Suddenly a door slammed behind me and a shrieking cackle followed, nearly drowning out the screams of Bellatrix.

I lowered my wand, releasing Bellatrix from my curse and somewhat resentfully I turned.

The Dark Lord and Severus stood there.

Voldemort still laughed with pleasure at the scene he had just witnessed and Severus stood statue-like in Voldemort's shadow.

"Forgive me, My Lord," I said with my head bowed. "I forgot myself."

Voldemort continued to laugh. I hear Bellatrix roughly get to her feet.

"This little brat, attacked me," Bellatrix told The Dark Lord in a hoarse voice. It was like we were five and she was tattling on me for pulling her hair.

"And you her," Voldemort hissed with amusement. Voldemort came towards me and again grabbed me chin with his cold, white hand. He turned my head side to side examining the angry cut across my face. The Dark Lord ran his icy finger across my bloody wound. I winced at the pain. Then he withdrew his hand red rather than white.

Nagini, the great snake slithered up Voldemort's body and began tasting my blood off Voldemort's hand with her thin tongue.

Severus strode over to me and wordlessly brushed his wand over my cut. It suddenly felt very cold and then very hot and then nothing. I put my hand to my face and the skin was smooth again.

"My Lord," said Bellatrix as she rushed over to him, throwing herself at his feet. Her eyes were wide as she looked up at him, allowing him into her thoughts.

"I know of your suspicions, Bella," hissed The Dark Lord.

Bella looked up at him expectantly, but he denied her and walked away into the next room, an unofficial dismissal.

Severus grabbed me by the arm and turned on the spot. Seconds later we were in his sitting room.

"What the hell were you thinking?" he asked as he let go of my arm.

Up until that moment my brain had been in a stupor, dazed by my anger and revenge, but now that I was away from Bellatrix and away from Voldemort, realization hit me.

I looked into the stern face of my cousin. Images of the eight masked deatheaters in my living room resurfaced in my memory. I could see as clear as day the leading deatheater, tall, striking and an era of professionalism about him, his tone dead and emotionless. I knew Bellatrix was not lying. Something bubbled inside me, it was a familiar feeling yet I could not identify it, but whatever it was it burned and pierced my heart.

"You killed Sidney," I said in a nearly inaudible whisper.

Professor Snape's expression was unreadable, but he suddenly lost every bit of color he had in his face and in his eyes I saw emptiness as if he sunk so deeply within himself there was no chance of him ever coming back, he was an empty shell.

The unknown yet familiar feeling screamed within me, twisting my insides; the air was being squeezed out of my lungs.

I ran up the stairs without another word and hid myself in the tiny, depressing room, in which I slept.

As soon as I was in solitude I knew what I was feeling, loneliness. It was the kind of loneliness I felt after my family died, the kind or loneliness I felt after Dumbledore died. It was the severe kind of loneliness that occurs when love, trust, and safety are ripped from you, it hurts for a while and then you go numb and when you are numb you miss the pain.

This time I was prepared I would not let myself become numb, devoid of emotion or will. I would not let myself be lonely.

I spun on the spot and in a small crack I was gone from Spinner's End.


	30. Chapter 29

Chapter 29

Buttons

(Same day)

Rain fell rapidly outside Malfoy Manor. I just stood there getting soaked as I desperately tried to think of how to get inside undetected.

I considered using a broom and flying in through a window. Although, there were two problems with that plan: one, I was sure that any house containing the precious Dark Lord would be heavily protected, therefore climbing in through a window was just as effective as screaming my presence through a megaphone. I suspected that the only reason I was able to apparated onto the grounds of the manor at all was because I had a dark mark.

The second reason my plan would surely fail was because I could feel the numbness coming and I had no time to find a broom.

I figured that my best bet was to boldly enter through the front door.

I softly knocked on the great door in front of me, so softly in fact that only someone who was standing right beside it could hear.

As I expected Greyback opened the door. I could taste his bitter scent on the air. He grinned at me in the same greedy way that a normal person (and I use 'normal' here to mean non-cannibal) would look at a piece of chocolate cake. I suppose I should have felt frightened at the sight of him, knowing full well that we were alone and that his throat itched for my warm blood, but I was too desperate. I couldn't be lonely, I wouldn't let this happen again, and I could not.

Plus, the fact that I was alone with Greyback made this all the more easy.

With my desperation driving me, I pulled out my wand with skillful agility. "Obliviate," I whispered before Greyback could even look surprised.

His hungry eyes suddenly became vacant; he would never know I was here.

I looked around the dark entryway, my wand in hand just in case I had to modify anyone else's memories, but I was alone.

I found my way to a great staircase, realizing that the rest of my plan would have to run fully on luck. What if he was not there?

I reached the top of the stairs and saw an abnormally long hallway, lined with what seemed to be about a thousand doors, just looking at it made me feel like crying.

I held out my wand in front of me with both hands, closed my eyes and just thought, _where's Draco? Where's Draco?_

And with unpredictable strength my wand began to pull me through the long hall, leading me, driven by my will to find Draco Malfoy.

My arms fell as my wand released its pull. I was in front of a door like the others, but this one I knew or at least my wand did, was Draco's.

I held up my hand to knock, but stopped before my fist met the wood of the door.

I had just cursed Draco's aunt mercilessly and before that I had cursed Draco. I was a monster; my wand had performed such dark magic. No, I did. I was no longer good, no longer innocent. I suspected that my blameless, innocents was what made me attractive to Draco, a blank slate free for him to corrupt with his boyish tomfoolery and pleasures, but now that I was no longer good what else did I have to entice him. I knew it couldn't be my enormous silicone "Playboy bunny" boobs or my obvious womanly sexuality.

Pain shot through me at the thought of just leaving. I hugged myself around my waist as if that would make me feel better.

I thought of the numbness again fearing it above all things, above even Lord Voldemort himself. I felt as if I was trapped in a dense woods and a horrible beast was catching up to me, sometimes coming close enough to snap at my ankles. I mentally ran from my numbness. It chased me around the interior of my brain, like a beast would chase me around the forest, but instead of losing my life at the end of the chase, I would lose all feeling and who knows if I could ever get it back.

I climbed a tree to escape the beast; I knocked on Draco's door. The beast growled and scratched at the bottom of the trunk, but soon ceased and just began waiting. With one foul slip, I could be the monster's dinner.

The door opened a sliver and Draco peered out nervously. I had hoped that at the sight of me he would swing his door open in welcome, but no such thing happened. He just continued to peer at me with nervous eyes. Was he afraid of me?

I looked in to his gray eyes that were half concealed by the door. Sadness and maturity seemed to linger in them, telling me that he had witnessed much since we had left school and making me confident that I was more a deatheater than him.

I felt so unclean! It was as if a black spot appeared on my soul for every second Draco stared at me with such fear and contempt.

I began to cry. I could not help it. I felt ruined from the inside out, to my blackened soul to the horrible infection burned on my left arm. Nobody would ever want me. Tears were blinding me and I could not breathe for I was choking on sobs.

Suddenly, Draco opened his door to me. Had my sorrows saved me? Had I proven that I was still the innocent, emotional wreck that I was before? Maybe there could still be hope for me; maybe I wouldn't have to be devoid of emotions and maybe I wouldn't have to be lonely. Maybe I wouldn't end up like Severus.

Draco grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me inside his bedroom, he looked up and down the hallway to make sure no one saw and then he closed the door.

Once inside, it took me a few minutes to stop crying, but soon enough my sobs subsided and I began gaining control over myself again.

I wiped my eyes with the sleeve of my robes and began to look around. Draco stood a few feet away, eyeing me apprehension. He seemed to be in an internal battle with himself, torn between comforting me and being attractively vain.

He had a very grand looking bedroom with a high ceiling, shiny wood floors and wide windows, everything that you would expect from a mansion like this one, but if I hadn't known better I would have just thought this room for guest from the lack of personalization put into it.

The large room had very little furniture, just a tall, thin wardrobe, a side table and a humongous bed that was so tall I was sure that I would have to jump to reach the top.

There were no posters or picture, the only proof there was that this was in fact Draco Malfoy's room was the small Slytherin banner on the wall by the window, like the one Severus had in his old bedroom.

"What are you doing here?" Draco asked.

"Do you hate me," I asked him, ignoring his question, "after all that I have done?"

He considered me for a moment and then shook his head slowly.

I walked over to him.

"Do you mean it?" I asked.

There was a long silence as his gray eyes poured into my blue ones. I could tell that he was nearly as lonely as I was.

"I mean it," he whispered and then put his hand on the small of my back and pulled me towards him.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and he pulled me ever closer. Then our lips met, as they had done on many other occasions. The movement of his mouth felt familiar to me, yet somehow my stomach still fluttered as if it was the first time we had ever kissed.

Wrapped in his embrace all fears of numbness vanished.

His hand began to move lower and lower down my back and with his other hand he ran his fingers through my hair, pulling at the knots hard and creating new ones.

Feverously we kissed. My hot blood seemed to sear my veins and a confusion of hormones bubbled inside me.

Nothing seemed to matter in that moment. I felt like every worry or fear I had ever had was being released as I kissed Draco. All my anger and grief I had because of Severus seemed to work in favor of the kiss, making me want Draco more, wanting to get closer.

Suddenly Draco ended the kiss. For a moment I was scared but then I realized that he just stopped to pull my robes over my head.

He smiled at me greedily and suddenly I felt the strong desire to say "wait just a moment and let me think." Doubt filled my mind, I was so unsure if I wanted this or not, but I did know that I wanted closeness, in any sense of the word, so I kept my mouth shut.

I still had a sweater and jeans on.

Draco pulled off my sweater.

I had a t-shirt under that.

Draco kissed my neck. "So many layers," he whispered, and then removed my t-shirt too so that my boring gray bra was visible.

Draco smiled, obviously pleased with himself for getting this far.

He picked me up and carried me over to his bed and practically threw me on top of it before jumping up himself.

I laid flat on the cold, silky covers of the bed. He advanced and knelt over me. He began kissing my collarbone, until it stung. He ran his warm hands along the outline of my body, until one of his hands found the button of my jeans. He slowly ran his finger around the perimeter of that button, stroking it as if it was something precious.

I sat up.

"Draco, wait," I said hurriedly.

"What?" he said with alarm, looking at my face for the very first time in a long time.

I took a deep breathe. "I'm a virgin," I said as if I had some horrible disease that he could catch.

He looked at me with amusement. I was afraid he would start laughing at me. "Is that it?" he asked.

I nodded.

He laughed once before going back to my button. He slowly unfastened it and pulled off my jeans.

I felt rather foolish being in just my underwear when Draco was still fully dressed. I supposed that I was supposed to be stripping him down too. I had heard that some girls could undo buttons with their teeth; if done correctly I am sure it could be very sexy, but Draco was wearing a long tunic with buttons all down the front, and I didn't think I was quite ready to take on that challenge.

So with shaking fingers I slowly began to remove his clothes. He remained completely still as I did so, closing his eyes at my touch.

As his tunic fell to the floor, his smooth, pale chest was revealed. I kissed it tenderly as if with gratitude for the warmth he was providing me with.

He smiled and then turned out the lights with his wand.


	31. Chapter 30

Chapter 30

The Two Halves 

(Same day)

I stared up at the canopy of Draco Malfoy's humongous bed, my bare arms above the covers. I was slightly out of breath and I could hear Draco's heavy breathing beside me.

I was very careful not to let any bit of myself brush up against him. I tried to discreetly tuck the sheets in around me.

I wasn't exactly sure what you were supposed to say to someone after you just had sex with them.

I considered just sighing with pleasure and declaring how amazing the sex was, the best I ever had, in fact. Though, I had already told him that I was a virgin before this so the last part wouldn't exactly work.

I could at least tell him it was amazing. Wasn't it important to build up your sex partner's self-esteem? If it wasn't why would so many women bother faking organisms? But was it amazing, really?

While it was happening every little touch was amplified by one hundred, every kiss gave me a high. I was drunk with euphoria, but now that it was over I just felt confused and frankly a little bit overwhelmed. It happened so fast (well in Draco's defense, it wasn't that fast). But it happened fast. I mean, I had just lost my virginity, for goodness sake. Losing your virginity is something that everyone fantasizes about but is way too embarrassed to admit they fantasize about.

I sat up in bed, holding the sheets up to my chest with one hand and pinning them behind me with the other, trying desperately to cover my nudity even though that ship was far gone.

My wand was in the pocket of my robes, which were on the floor on the complete other side of the room, so it wasn't like I could just summon my clothes to me. I would have to go pick them up.

In movies, the beautiful women, who should have probably just had the self-confidence to walk across the room naked, would gently pull the sheets of the bed and wrap them around themselves.

I tried to do this, but Draco was partially on top of sheets so that did not work at all.

"What do you think you are doing?" Draco asked. He had been watching me as I planned my escape from him bed.

"I am leaving," I said timidly as if I was asking permission. "I mean, I probably should go. It is getting late." The more I rambled about leaving the less I wanted to go. I didn't want to go back to Spinner's End and I didn't want to go back to Severus. Just the thought of him made my stomach ache. But I couldn't stay with Draco forever. "I really should leave," I paused, "um, it was really, um, great."

Draco rolled his eyes at me. "No," he said in a drawl, "come here," he ordered me as he patted the bit of bed next to him.

I slowly scooted towards him and laid my head next to his. Our legs touched under the covers. I tried not to move. Draco slid his arm around my shoulders. Closeness. His gentle touch made me relax and I rolled on my side, resting my head on his shoulder and my arm across his chest. He softly stroked my back.

We were just two people in the same screwed up situation, finding a bit comfort in each other.

I had never imagined that my first time would be like this. I always imagined that it would be the final expression of love and passion, not just the means of escape from the real world.

Once a long, long time ago when my world was still silly and carefree, I used to fantasize about having my first time be with David Harper. Sweet, kind, handsome David, whom I loved so much, but that was a nonsensical idea then and it was even stupider now, seeing that he, like everyone else I loved in my other life, thought I was dead.

"Everything is changing in the world, isn't it," whispered Draco as he continues to stroke my back.

"Everything is," I agreed. "But please, let's not talk about that," I said as I leaned over him, kissing him on the lips gently.

His eyes met mine; we both were thinking the same thing and we escaped once more.

August 18, 1997

I awoke in Draco's arms. I felt his warm breath on my cheek. I smiled to myself, still filled with intoxicating bliss from our last escape.

I looked out the window, the sky was still dark.

"Draco," I whispered, kissing him until his eyes opened.

"What?" he asked drowsily.

"What time is it?" I asked

"What?" he said again, blinking his gray eyes, which were heavy with sleep.

"What time is it?"

"Uh," he answered adorably, looking around aimlessly. Apparently, I was asking too much of him so shortly after waking him up. "How am I to know? he said indignantly, "I haven't a watch on."

I smiled. "No matter, I better leave anyway."

I stood up with newly found confidence, to retrieve my clothes. I could feel Draco's eyes on me as I hastily threw on my jeans and t-shirt. He lazily leaned forward, allowing me to kiss him once before he fell back onto his pillow.

I spun on the spot and in a single pop I was gone from Draco and was only a few blocks away from Spinner's End.

I didn't want to see Severus, so I didn't apparate directly into the house in fear of waking him. Although, I couldn't imagine Severus sleeping, if he did maybe he slept upside down like a giant bat. Sometimes it was difficult to remember that he was actually human.

I began to make my way to Spinner's End.

I felt so torn in my feelings for Severus. Part of me loved him beyond all things in the world and felt so much compassion and admiration for him and everything he has been through. But the other part of me, the part that loved my sister, hated Severus from his greasy, black hair to the soles of his black shoes.

It literally hurt to both love and hate someone at the same time. I felt like each half of my body was trying to run in a different direction, tearing my heart in half. I felt that if I truly loved Severus I should forgive him, but if I truly loved Sidney I should hate Severus with every fiber of my being.

"He couldn't help it," said the part of my heart that loved Severus. "He was undercover. He had no choice but to kill her. He must hate himself for what he had to do."

"Hate himself?" said the part of me against Severus, "don't make me laugh, Severus Snape would never feel guilty for anything, he can't even feel anything at all."

"He feels love," argued my other half. "He loves Lily Potter."

"But he doesn't love us," said the half against Severus, in a conclusive yet defeated tone. "He doesn't care about us and he definitely didn't care about Sidney, he could have protected her, he should have saved her."

I was at the door of Professor Snape's house. All the lights seemed to be off, so he must be asleep or out somewhere.

Severus did not have any magical protection on his house so I simply used Alohomora to unlock the door. It was quite stupid of him really because any witch or wizard could just walk right into his house, but I suppose he just figured that his buddies were the scariest guys around so who was there to worry about.

I pushed the door open and walked in.

The room was very dark, only the dim glow of the streetlamps crept its way inside from the open door, but as I shut it I was engulfed in thick darkness, unable to see. Suddenly I became blinded in a new way, by a single bright light in front of me.

I raised my arm up to shield my eyes. When I finally became accustomed to the new light, I was able to see Severus, looking menacing, his lit wand pointed at my face.

"I'd appreciate it if you would lower your wand," I said half shouting. I tried to pass him and go upstairs but he blocked my path before I could even reach the first step.

"Where. Have. You. Been?" He asked holding out every word with building fiery.

I pushed his wand out of my face and tried to get passed him, but he was too quick.

"Do you know what time it is?" He asked angrily as he turned the lights on with magic. Both our eyes flicked towards the clock in the corner of the room. It was about two in the morning.

"Where were you?" he demanded.

"Out," I said stubbornly.

Severus's face suddenly became stony as he glared down at me in the better light.

I lowered my eyes to look down at myself, to see what the problem was.

My shirt was inside out.

I looked back up at him. His expression was of pure disgust. I tried to give him the meanest look I could muster, but I am sure the effect was ruined by how red my face had turned.

I tried to push my way passed him but he was stronger than me. In my anger I completely forgot that I was a witch and could just apparate upstairs.

"Let me through!" I said.

"You are not taking your situation seriously." he grabbed my left wrist and yanked up my sleeve, revealing the dark mark burned onto my skin. "Or have you forgotten?" He said his dark eyes flashing cruelly.

I pulled my arm away. "How could I ever forget!" I said furiously. "Will you move!"  
Severus did not move. "You are going to give you self away; you are compromising your position." He sneered at me. "You are making yourself vulnerable and weak." He told me in a venomous hiss.

"I didn't ask for this!" I snapped.

"You did when you disobeyed me," he retorted. "I told you to go upstairs and hide and you foolishly disobeyed."

"Disobeyed!" I shouted. "I was trying to protect you!"

Severus's eyes flashed. "I did not need your protection!" he said raising his voice for the first time. "I had the situation under my control!"

"Under your control," I mocked. "Sure you did. Yes, you could have confunded Draco; you could have modified his memory to forget he ever saw me in the house, fine. But what was The Dark Lord going to do when you failed to do what he asked? What if you hadn't brought me to him? Was he going to pat you on the back and say 'It's alright, Severus, better luck next time.' NO!"

"This is completely beside the point!" Severus said angrily.

"What is the point then?" I asked resentfully.

"The point is that you should not be fooling around," he said fiercely. "You are taking too many risks."

"I don't see any risks," I said stubbornly.

"That is because you are an ignorant child," Severus hissed.

"I am not a child!" I yelled.

"Then stop acting like one!" he retorted. "Stop being so naïve and realize when you are being used."

"USED!" I shrieked. "You think Draco is using me?"

Severus's eyes burned at the first use of Draco's name in the conversation.

"You know nothing about my relationship with, Draco," I snapped at him.

He scowled. "I know that you two are foolish for pursuing one."

"You are just jealous!" I said letting my anger get the best of me. Sidney's face flashed in front of my eyes. "You are lonely and you want everyone to suffer with you! Just because Lily is dead, doesn't me I have to be miserable too!" I regretted those words as soon as they left my lips.

Suddenly an invisible hand slapped me across my face, knocking me backward. Sparks flew from Severus's wand, but he did not have it raised. He had lost control.

I felt too disgusted with myself to stand; I looked up at him from the floor. He was breathing very heavily and his eyes were filled with anger and pain.

"Severus," I breathed, "I didn't mean it."

He turned on the spot and was gone out of thin air.

I stared at the spot where he disapparated for a long time. My words must have really hurt him, based on the way he lost control of his magic like that. I kept seeing his hating yet anguished eyes. I remember him sobbing over Lily's letter.

I was a horrible person. But then again so was he, for killing my little sister.


	32. Chapter 31

Chapter 31

The New Headmaster

August 28, 1997

"It has been over a week since I have spoken to him," I exclaimed with exasperation as I laid next to Draco in his bed, our clothes thrown about the room.

"Is this really the time to be talking about Severus Snape," said Draco with similar exasperation to me.

"You're right," I told him, "but it has been over a week and we live together!"

I heard him sigh irritably beside me.

Draco and I never really talked, unless you counted the polite greetings we shared before ripping each other's clothes off; our relationship was not exactly verbal.

"You must have really made him angry," said Draco carelessly, bored with me bringing up Severus's name again.

I was quiet.

"What is it that you did anyway?" he asked, his tone suggesting that he didn't really care.

"That is not important," I said softly. "But don't you think that he is being immature?"

"Yes," Draco droned for the fiftieth time.

"I mean, I live with him," I pointed out again. "The only times I ever see him is at meetings and even there he pretends I don't exist."

After my initial guilt had worn off about what I had said about Lily Potter, I began to feel irritated with Severus for staying angry with me. He murdered my sister so you would think that he could have just let the Lily comment slide and call it even. Wait, what am I saying, it could never be even.

"Well, in his defense," said Draco slyly, "he has not had much time to see you, because you have been here with me." He kissed the top of my head. I could tell he was trying to get the conversation back down the path he liked best.

I rose up my right hand to eye level and examined the gold ring on my finger, the ring that Severus had given me as a Christmas present about a billion years ago, the ring I could never bring myself to chuck no matter how mad I was at my cousin, the ring I never took off. Its single ruby glistened in the dim light from the many candles around the room.

"He talked to me you know," said Draco quietly.

I shifted on my side to look him in the face. He looked back at me seriously. "When?" I asked anxiously.

"Just yesterday," Draco said passively.

I sat up in bed and Draco grudgingly followed suit.

"Well, why didn't you tell me this?" I asked indignantly.

Draco just shrugged. "Dunno."

"What do you mean you don't know?" I said giving his arm a little push; he liked it and smiled at my touch. "Well out with it then, what did Severus say to you?"

Draco's grin faded. "He told me to stay away from you."

My eyes widened. "Really?" I asked. Severus really must care about me then after all. He is worried about me. He must love me! But it is not like I cared or anything about what he thought.

"Yeah," Draco said sternly. "He said if I knew what was best for me that I would stay away from you."

_Oh how sweet!_ I thought. He was playing the over protective brother. _He must love me! But I don't care!_

"What did you say?" I asked excitedly now.

Draco grinned at me. "Of course I told him that I certainly would not stay away from you."

"Oh my God," I said digging my fingernails into my arm. "I bet he didn't like that."

"No he didn't," smiled Draco.

"Then what happened?" I pressed him.

"Then," said Draco as he wrapped his arms around me from behind, kissing the back of my neck, "he pulled out his wand and pointed it directly at my heart."

"And then?" I asked.

Draco ran his hands across my chest. "And then he said that I shouldn't take complete advantage of you, like I have been doing and I shouldn't have done that thing to you that I did last night." He laughed.

I pulled away and turned to look at him.

"And then he told me I should stop being so brilliant at shagging so I wouldn't be so irresistible to you, he knows you can't keep your hands off me. OW!" said Draco because I had just hit in the ribs. "What the hell was that for?"

"You complete ass," I said, not sure if I was really mad or just playing. I lay back down and covered my face with the bed sheets.

"Why are you hiding?" Draco asked as he poked at me through the covers.

"Because," I said on the verge of tears, "I am angry with you."

"Come on," said Draco huffily. "I was just having a laugh."

"You lied about speaking to Severus," I said, I small sob could be heard in my voice.

There was a long pause. "I didn't lie," said Draco defensively.

I resurfaced from my hiding place to give him a reproachful glare.

"I didn't," said Draco.

"Right," I said my tone dripping with sarcasm.

"No," said Draco frankly. "He really did speak to me."

I raise my eyebrows.

"After the meeting," Draco explained. "You had already disapparated and he came up to me and told me to stay away from you."

"Was that it?" I asked.

"Yeah," said Draco. "It was just in passing, really. Not a big concern."

"So the part about you being good at shagging wasn't true," I asked giggling.

Draco lay back down and wrapped me in his arms. "Well, it is true," he said slyly, "I am brilliant at shagging, but Snape didn't say it."

I laughed "Oh goodness, I'd hope not."

Draco laughed too. "Well, I am pretty great," he stated proudly.

"I wouldn't know." I said teasingly.

"What?" he said a little surprised. "What do you mean?"

"You were my first," I explained playfully. "So I have no one to compare you to. You could be complete rubbish as far as I know."

"Well," said Draco a bit put off. "I assure you I am amazing."

"Really?" I laughed.

"Really," whispered Draco.

August 29, 1997

I got up and began putting on my clothes, being especially careful I put on everything right side out.

I kissed Draco in goodbye and spun on the spot, apparating to Spinner's End.

After I realized Severus was avoiding me, I stopped bothering sneaking into the house discreetly and just apparated directly into the room in which I slept.

The tiny, old bed beckoned me to it. I never got much sleep in Draco's bed and since I had been spending so much time there lately, I really was quite tired.

I collapsed onto the bed with a sigh of relief, not even bothering to change my clothes.

Sleep was about to take me when my two halves began bickering. And suddenly I could no longer rest, being too distracted by the pain as my heart began dividing itself.

_"So Severus does care. He is concerned about us. He spoke to Draco,"_ said my Severus loving half. _"So take that!"_

_"Oh please,"_ said my other half. _"He is probably angry that we are getting laid and he isn't."_

_"That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard!"_ said my Severus loving half.

_"You are so naïve,"_ pointed out the other half. _"When has Severus ever cared about us?"_

_"Now!"_ screamed the Severus loving half, getting really frustrated now. _"He is worried about us, why else would he have told Draco to stay away from us?"_

_"He probably is afraid we will get caught and make him look bad,"_ said my other half in a tone of hopelessness, which was worse than the yelling.

"Shut up!" I said out loud to myself.

"Who are you speaking to?" asked a low voice.

I sat up. Severus stood in the doorway. His expression was unreadable.

I couldn't answer him right away because I was so shocked to see him standing there, talking to me. "No one," I finally managed to say.

He contemplated me for a moment, but quickly moved on as if deciding to just ignore my insanity.

"Here," he said roughly as he lightly tossed a small pouch onto the end of the bed. It made a jingling sound as it hit its target.

I reached for the pouch and curiously pulled it open. There were galleons inside.

I looked up at Severus with confusion.

"That is for your school things," he told me.

"My school things?" I asked.

"Yes," he said a little impatiently, "your school books and supplies for Hogwarts.

"Hogwarts?" I said dimly.

"That is where you attend school, is it not?" Severus mocked.

"Yes," I began, "but I didn't think there was going to be a Hogwarts for me this year."

Severus stared at me again as if trying to figure me out.

"The Dark Lord," he began.

I sighed, becoming very sick of having to think about Voldemort. Once you are a deatheater, you can be nothing else. When Voldemort is around we discuss the best ways to do his bidding. When he isn't around we discuss the best ways to do his bidding so that he wouldn't kill us. So when ever Severus or any other Deatheater begins a sentence with 'The Dark Lord,' I prepare myself to do something horrible in his service.

"The Dark Lord," said Severus again, scowling at me, "wants you to attend Hogwarts as a spy. No one knows you are in his service and no one has to if you are smart about it."

"Wait," I said stunned. "That is what his great plan is for my mind shield, spying at Hogwarts." I let out a humorless laugh, thinking that this was a really stupid reason for my family to die. Did Lord Voldemort really want me to sneak around at Hogwarts and listen to the meaningless conversations of horny teenagers? I could just imagine my reports to The Dark Lord. _"Well, My Lord, I overheard Susan telling Justin that Katie said that Hannah has a crush on Neville, but is too scared to tell him."_

"There are two reasons that The Dark Lord is giving you this task," Severus told me.

"Well," I pressed him impatiently.

He scowled. "One," he said. "The Dark Lord needs to have a watch over all the staff and students at Hogwarts. He needs to be certain of their obedience." He paused. "The second reason is that he does not trust you enough to give you any other job."

"I was hoping he would ask me to be a spy in the Order of the Phoenix and then maybe I could have done a bit of good," I said softly. "I could have been a double agent; I could have helped the Order, like you."

"That is a ridiculous idea," said Severus coldly.

"I know that," I said bitterly. "I just only hoped."

Severus was silently staring at me, yet again, trying to hear my thoughts, trying yet failing miserably.

"There is going to have to be a new headmaster," I suddenly realizing. To me Dumbledore still resided in the circular headmaster's office, still pacing, working and protecting his students.

"Yes," hissed Severus.

"Who?" I asked nervously.

"Me," Severus said sharply.

"You?" I said with surprise, "but I thought…"

"The Dark Lord has taken control of many things," said Severus suddenly emotionless. "Hogwarts included."

I thought about this for a moment.

"What?" asked Severus, who had been watching me.

I looked at him for a moment. "Oh nothing really," I said, "I was just contemplating if I am happy about this news or not."

"Happy about The Dark Lord controlling the school?" Severus asked slowly.

"Oh God, no," I whispered, more to myself than to Severus. "I meant, I wasn't sure if I am happy about you being headmaster or not."

There was a long silence in which Severus scowled profusely and I tried to mentally count how many people knew that he was the one who blasted the old headmaster off the astronomy tower.

"Will you protect the students, from him?" I asked, looking directly into Severus's eyes.

He broke my gaze and stared out the window where the sun was just beginning to rise. The sunlight fell over Severus's face, but instead of warming his features, it somehow made him look stonier and older.

"I will do all I am able," he said in an emotionless whisper.

I stood and approached him carefully.

"Severus?" I asked after a minute.

He slowly turned to look at me once more.

"What?" he hissed.

"Why were you the one to do it?" I asked.

"What are you talking about?" he asked, even though he knew what I meant.

"Why were you the one to kill Sidney?" I asked firmly.

He turned to the window again, squinting in the light.

"Well?" I said my voice rising.

"It was necessary," Severus said impassively, still gazing out the window. It annoyed me that he wouldn't meet my eyes. It annoyed me that he didn't sound effected by what he had done.

"You murdered my little sister!" I said angrily. "At least you could do me the courtesy of looking at me, when I am speaking to you!"

Pain shot through Severus's face as he continued to gaze out the window, but it was only momentary; his expression quickly became cold and emotionless again.

The two halves of my segregated heart began to run in different directions again as I stared at Severus; I could almost hear my heart ripping in two. Hate and love bubbled inside me.

"LOOK AT ME!" I screamed at him.

He turned his stony face to me. His eyes were so blank he might as well not have been looking at me at all. He reached into his robes and pulled out a heavy sheet of parchment.

"Your school list," he said in a deep monotone.

I ripped it away from him.

"Thanks," I said sharply.

Severus turned to leave, but stopped half way between me and the exit.

"It would look very suspicious," he began still turned away from me, "if a Gryffindor and Slytherin were constantly seen together at Hogwarts," he paused. "So stay away from Draco Malfoy," As he spoke Draco's name, anger could be heard in his once dead tone.

"What house was Lily in?" I asked with cruel curiosity.

He ignored my question. "And stay away from me," Severus said pointedly.

I opened my mouth as if to state that I would never want to be near him again, but the half of me that loved Severus would not let me speak such words and it cried at the ideas of staying away from him.

"That should not be difficult for you," hissed Severus as he reached for the door knob, "because I killed you sister."

Severus shut the door hard behind him.

_"Severus!"_ Cried half of my heart, as it tried to run after him.

The other half of my heart said nothing, but thought of Sidney, Sidney laughing, Sidney singing loudly out of key, Sidney stealing my clothes, Sidney eating ice cream, Sidney telling me she loves me.

Images of her flashed before my closed eyes as I lay on the bed. I saw her looking so pale, so frightened, our parents dead and she had no more will within her to live. Then I could almost hear my beloved cousin's still voice utter the unforgiving words. Then a flash of green light, eliminated Sidney's hopeless face, and then she was no more.


	33. Chapter 32

Chapter 32

Diagon Alley

August 30, 1997

I needed to buy my school supplies. So with the list and money that Severus had given me, I set off for Diagon Alley.

I didn't apparate, but took the long way. It was nice, somehow, to just get away from magic and be around muggles.

I walked the streets. I took a bus. It was freeing to be in a world that did not know who The Dark Lord was, but remained blissfully ignorant. To them my burning dark mark was nothing more than an ugly tattoo, no doubt the result of some drunken night out.

I sat next to this old lady with a bag bigger that she was on the bus. I helped her get off with it and she told me that I was very sweet and I almost believed her.

I walked by 'The Leaky Cauldron' three times, not wanting to leave the muggles. I went into a coffee shop. I did not have enough muggle money to buy anything. So I just sat there, watching as people came and went. Students sat together to study, but were really not getting anything done at all. A couple of mothers sat with their children on their laps as they gossiped away happily to each other. And so many other people just rushed by to grab a quick refreshment after a hard day of shopping.

I must have sat in there for hours, watching quietly. I made up stories in my head for everybody that entered the shop.

Lisa, a pretty blonde girl at the table next to mine, was furiously running her hand across page after page. She wanted more than anything to be an author and she was producing her first work of fiction. Her mind was working so fast and she was so engrossed in her own world that she would sometimes forget and stir her coffee with her pencil.

Then there was Roger, a tall dark haired man that came into the shop without sitting down and got two lattes to go. He kept putting his hand in his coat pocket and twisted its contents around with his fingers. He had an engagement ring in there. He was about to propose to his longtime girlfriend Rose.

Of course I did not know any of these people, but in my mind Lisa becomes a famous author at the end of the story and Rose accepts Roger's proposal. All of my stories had happy endings.

I wished I could have come up with a new story for myself, but I could think of one. I couldn't imagine myself in any other life but the one I was living, as crappy as it was. I could not imagine a future for myself that was not tainted with the endless service to Lord Voldemort. I felt like I was in a contently frozen state, where there was no room to move forward and where it was impossible to go back.

So I took joy in the happy lives of Lisa and Roger, where their futures where bright and full of exceptional things. I wished I could have lived in their stories forever, but it was getting late, the sun was heavy in the sky and I did not want to be walking around Diagon Alley in the dark.

I walked into a small red door that none of the muggle passersby seemed to notice.

'The Leaky Cauldron,' was pretty full when I entered, but not with the same crowd I remembered from when I can here first with Professor McGonagall.

Most of the inhabitance of the inn had the distinctive look of _being up to no good_. Most of the witches and wizards wore there hoods up, concealing their faces, but I was sure I caught a few familiar, yet unfriendly faces that I recognized from Malfoy Manor.

"Young lady!" cried a man as he approached me. He was very bald and very toothless. I remembered him to be Tom, the innkeeper.

I looked behind me to make sure I was the 'young lady,' he was referring to. "Yes," I answered when I realized that the only person behind me was a crazy old wizard with a glass eye and broken monocle, speaking to himself.

"Don't you think it is a bit late to be out?" said Tom.

"Well, I need to get my school supplies for Hogwarts," I told him.

"Why don't you just come back tomorrow morning with your parents," he suggested.

"My parents are dead," I said pushing my way passed him. "So if you don't mind, I will be going."

I walked to the back of the inn where there was nothing but a few garbage cans and a brick wall.

I tapped on a sequence of bricks, as Professor McGonagall had taught me, and the passage to Diagon Alley opened for me; although, it did take me a few times to get it right.

There were not very many shoppers; most people were not stupid enough to come out so soon before night fall.

"Buy an amulet," said a bent over old women, whom I was quite sure was part hag.

"No thank you," I said quickly as she approached me.

"Oh come on, pretty girl," said the hag. "Buy one, they repel the dementors."

"No," I said flatly.

She grabbed my arm with unusual strength. "Come on, pretty, BUY ONE!"

I pulled out my wand. And shot a hasty spell at her that throw her and her amulets against a wall and I ran.

_Ok_, I thought as I stopped running. I decided I was at a safe distance away for the old hag. I watched her as she got up slowly and collected her necklaces. When I was quite sure she was not going to come after me I pulled out my school list.

I had not taken the time to peruse it until now and I was surprised to see that many of my school supplies would have to be purchased in Knockturn Alley, a side street off Diagon Alley, completely dedicated to the dark arts. I was also surprised to see that my classes had changed. Instead of Defense Against the Dark Arts I was now enrolled in the Dark Arts. Also it seemed that I was now required to take Muggle Studies, which I normally would not have minded but the book assigned for this subject was called Muggles Must Be Eliminated, By: Morgana P. Chaincaster.

I let out a quick sign and began my shopping.

* * *

Severus strode over to the window. The sun had almost set. The girl had been gone all day and now it was getting dark and she was not back yet.

Severus yanked a random book off his shelf and walked back to his armchair.

He stared at the page of words in front of him.

_She is probably with Draco Malfoy again,_ Severus thought scowling. _But what if she was not? _

Severus flipped to the next page.

_Does this girl not know what is out there? Or is she just too thick headed to observe such things, _Severus thought angrily.

You know what, he did not even care. This girl was just distracting him from his reading. She was probably just with the Malfoy boy.

Severus flipped to the next page rather violently, without retaining any of the previous page's information.

She could take care of herself, right? She was of age, well technically. She did not have much sense. She had blatant trust for everyone and like most teenage girls she was almost completely ruled by her raging hormones. But Severus did not care in the slightest. He was just going to continue reading his book quietly. If anything happened to the girl, it would not matter to Severus, not at all.

Severus stood and tossed his book on the armchair.

"Damn it," he said to himself before he disapparated.

Seconds later Severus was on a deserted back street just beyond Diagon Alley. The sun had set and all the shops were beginning to close for the night. Severus peered up and down the alley for the girl but there was no sign of her. He wondered if he should have checked Malfoy Manor first.

Suddenly Severus heard footsteps behind him. He turned, his wand raised.

Three wizards stood before him.

"Severus Snape," said one of the men, although Severus did not recognize any of them.

"What do you want?" Severus hissed mutinously, pointing his wand at each one of them in turn.

"You killed Albus Dumbledore," said another voice behind him. Severus looked over his shoulder. A few more wizards and a witch, with their wands pointed at Severus came to join the other three. Severus was surrounded.

"You killed Albus Dumbledore," repeated the witch, "and now we are going to put an end to you."

The witch made a slashing movement through the air with her wand and suddenly a deep cut appeared on Severus's pale cheek. Blood thickly poured down his face and onto his chest.

Severus flinched as he felt the same cutting sensation on the back of his neck. Hot blood rushed down his spine.

Severus tried to defend himself, but the numbers were too unfair, seven to one. Severus managed to stun two of his attackers, but it did not do him much good. More and more deep cuts appeared on Severus's body and as he began to lose more and more blood, the slower his reflexes became.

His attackers laughed as he stumbled about on him unstable legs. Severus seemed to fade in and out of consciousness. He tried to protect himself with a shield charm, but his defenses were as weak as he was and the shield broke.

In a lapse of perception, Severus dropped his wand and fell to the ground. He continued to feel the slashes of invisible knives on his flesh, but they became less and less painful as he slipped into a deep state of unawareness.


	34. Chapter 33

Chapter 33

Still

(Same Day)

It was dark as I stepped out of Knockturn Alley, my arms laid with new books and school supplies. It really did not make a difference, really, if you were in Diagon or Knockturn alley now. It seemed since the rise of the Dark Lord the corruption that use to stay in Knockturn alley began spilling into its neighbor's territory.

Diagon alley, which once thrived with its brightly decorated windows and crowd infested paths was now tainted with the influence of the dark arts.

Many shops were boarded up to serve as reminders of what they once were and now weren't.

The only store that was still going strong on the nearly dead street was a joke shop called 'Weasley's Wizard Wheezes.' Its brightly lit and colorful window displays dazzled me. I was transfixed and longed to enter it.

I began to move towards it, pulling my cloak tighter around me as I did so, warding off the chilly nighttime breeze.

I thought the alley was complete deserted but then I heard anxious voices and I stopped in my tracks.

"What should we do with him now?" asked a sharp female voice.

"Dunno," said a deep male's voice. "Just leave him here, I suppose."

I strained my ears to hear where the voices were coming from.

"I don't think he is dead yet," said the woman, there was a note of disgust in her tone.

"Yeah but he will be soon enough, I suspect," said another male's voice.

I identified the voices to be coming from a back alley, between two boarded up shops.

"Let's leave now," said he man with the deep voice, "before anyone sees."

I hurriedly pressed myself against one of the shops, crouching low with in the overgrown flower patched once planted to beautify the store. I prayed that the night would keep me concealed.

"Perhaps this was a bad idea," said the women as I heard footsteps heading for the main street.

"Bad idea," said one of the men. "Come off it! You know he is better off dead after what he did."

"I guess you're right," said the women.

"Plus," added a man, "you wouldn't want that murder around the kids at Hogwarts would you?"

My heart began pounding hard in my chest. _It couldn't be._

Several people walked out from the side street. I pressed myself closer against the building and held my breath.

I was unnoticed. Finally they had all disappeared into a small pub. I abandoning my purchases and I rushed down the side street to see who those people had left to die.

A bloody mass lay on the cold ground, unconscious, but breathing. The figure's breath was coming in sharp, raspy stabs. It was only when I had knelt on the ground, inches away from the figure's face, could I tell that the dying man was Severus.

My heart pumped faster and my breathing seemed to stop all together. I could hear my brain trying to form a plan.

I would have to move him, although I feared apparition would be too much for him.

I tried to think about where I should take him. I couldn't take him to a wizarding hospital, for when they saw his dark mark that would be as good as turning him in. I couldn't take him to a muggle hospital in fear the Dark Lord would learn of it, plus, I knew Severus needed magical attention.

And I was afraid to take him to Voldemort. What would Voldemort do to him? Would he kill Severus, as if he was an old horse that could not pull a cart anymore, just put him out of his misery.

I concluded that my only choice was to take him to Spinner's End and try to mend him myself, even though I knew nothing about healing.

I gently cradled Severus's head in my arm and squeezed his hand with mind, then I apparated pulling him alongside me.

We were in the sitting room of Severus's house. Blood from Severus's various cuts made small puddles on the wood floor.

He was still breathing but barely. I tried to think of what to do. I did not know any healing spells that would mead wounds like his.

I began panicking.

"Okay think," I said to myself. "Calm down and think!"

Severus's breathing began to slow.

"I am in an ex-potions master's house," I said. "He must have some potions around here."

I pulled out my wand.

"Accio essence of dittany," I said.

I stopped breathing; I was listening to hear any signs of movement, waiting to see a vial of potion floating towards me.

And sure enough there it was.

I almost began crying in relieve.

I still was supporting Severus in my arms. I gently placed him on the floor and uncorked the small bottle of potion with my teeth.

I quickly began dabbing the potion on the cuts on his face and hands. I watched as his skin slowly began knitting together again.

He also had many cuts on the skin under his clothing; I could see where his clothes were ripped.

I had to remove his black tunic to heal the cuts on his chest and back. I tried not to think how awkward it would be for him to wake up while I was unbuttoning his dressings, revealing his bare, white chest.

When I was finished with the dittany, every one of Severus's cuts looked like they were about a week old.

I was able to also summon a blood replenishing potion from Severus's private stores and a thick grey potion called Pogostermon paste that helped prevent scarring.

Severus was still unconscious, but once I had managed to slip the blood replenisher into his mouth his breathing became more consistent and less strained and I knew that he was out of danger.

Then I rubbed the Pogostermon paste (which smelled awful) on the healings cuts and wrapped the wounds on his torso, legs and arms in clean bandages.

I redressed him and put a small couch cushion under his head and I took off my cloak and covered him with it.

I let out a shaky laugh of relieve as I stared down at my cousin's sleeping form. I was actually quite proud of myself.

The half of my heart that loved Severus really rose to the occasion, silencing the other half completely.

"Oh Severus," it said lovingly.

I smiled down at him. He looked like a child when he slept, peaceful and innocent, nothing like he appeared when he was in his waking hours.

Blood and grime were caked in his previously greasy hair. _Now he would have to wash it_, I thought triumphantly.

"Severus," I whispered to make sure he was really asleep. When there was no answer I gently touched his hand with mine.

Then I went back to his care, producing a sponge and bowl of water with magic and carefully began washing the dirt and blood off his face.

* * *

Severus must have died. The burning pain he had experienced had subsided. He felt peaceful. He must be dead.

Severus could feel the soft touch of hands on his forehead, so gentle and warm.

_Lily,_ he thought.

* * *

Severus began to stir. I took his hand once more.

"Severus," I said gently patting his hand to wake him. "Severus."

* * *

"Severus, Severus," said Lily's voice. "Severus."

A small smile spread across Severus's lips.

"Severus," Lily's voice said again. "Wake up, Severus."

Severus was afraid to open his eyes; he did not want the voice to go away.

"Severus."

* * *

"Severus," I said once again, trying to bring him to.

He was smiling, so sweetly, so innocently, so completely unlike himself, and I was concerned.

"Severus."

He stirred again. His eyelids twitched as if he was about to wake up. His lips parted as if to speak.

"Lily," he said softly.

I let go of his hand in alarm.

"No Severus," I said hesitantly, "I'm Alex."

Suddenly his eyes opened. The gentle smile he had worn was now nothing more than a memory. He grimaced up at me.

"How do you feel?" I asked timidly.

He said nothing but began to stand.

"Careful," I said hurriedly, holding out my arm to help him up. He ignored it and slowly struggled to his feet.

I watched him with wide eyes, terrified that he would just topple over.

Severus grabbed the back of his armchair for support, and then carefully fingered the outlines of the bandages under his tunic.

I tried really hard not to look embarrassed.

"I put dittany and Pogostermon paste on your cuts," I told him. "So there shouldn't be any scarring."

"Where is my wand?" Severus demanded.

"Oh," I said, quickly retrieving it from the floor. I handed it to him and he took it wordlessly.

There was a long moment where neither of us said anything.

_Well, he could say thank you,_ I thought somewhat bitterly. _I did just kind of just save his life, as small a thing as that is._ I repressed an eye roll.

I looked over at Severus. He was clutching the back of the armchair with both hands; I know if I were to pull the chair away he would fall face first onto the floor and as funny as that sounded it probably was not the best idea. He stared down at the seat cushion, looking paler than usual.

"You should sit down." I told him, breaking the silence. He looked up at me darkly.

I felt a little annoyed that he was giving me the cold shoulder after all I had done for him.

"Seriously," I said sternly, "sit down."

After at a moment's hesitation he did as I said. I felt so powerful being able to boss him around.

"I gave you some blood replenishing potion," I said, "But I think you probably should take more."

I uncorked the small bottle of potion I had given him before. I held it out to him, but it took a few seconds before he actually took it. I think he was struggling with the strong desire to refuse my help and the realization that he needed it.

I watched as he finished off the rest of the potion.

"You should eat something," I said as I ran to the kitchen. "Don't go anywhere," I called back to him.

I opened his refrigerator. It was empty except for eggs. _Eggs it is then_, I thought as I reached for then.

I quickly prepared Severus a no-cheese omelet and rushed back to the sitting room with it steaming on a chipped plate.

Severus still sat in his armchair weakly. I handed him the plate and a fork and knelt beside his chair.

"You're Welcome," I said sarcastically.

Severus glared at me over the plate of eggs. "Thank You," he hissed.

He ate quickly and I sent his dishes back to the kitchen to wash themselves when he was finished.

"Those were a lot better than your eggs, weren't they?" I joked.

Severus ignored me.

I rested my chin on his armrest. "How are you feeling?" I asked again, gazing up at him.

"Magnificent," he spat.

"Severus," I said sadly.

"What?" he asked coldly.

"Why were you in Diagon Alley?" I asked, leaning back to get a better look at him.

"I do not really think that that is any of your business," he hissed.

I stood and turned away from him.

"Are you crying?" he asked indignantly.

"No," I lied wetly.

"Why are you crying?" he asked bitterly.

I turned around, sobbing fiercely and unattractively. "Because," I cried, "you are so mean!" I wiped my eyes on my sleeve.

"What is it that you want me to say?" Severus asked with frustration.

I began crying harder. "Nothing!" I covered my face with my hand. "Forget it! I am just being stupid and emotional!" I bawled.

"And what is that supposed to mean?" Severus asked in a tone of disinterest.

I looked back up at him. "Well," I explained through sobs, "I already knew you were mean; I made peace with that a long time ago." Severus scowled. "Well you are mean," I justified. "You are a complete ass, really."

"And your point," prompted Severus impatiently.

"Well, I thought you were going to die!" I cried. "But you're alive!"

Severus gazed at me with surprise. "Well I am so sorry to disappoint you," he said sarcastically.

"No," I said quickly. "You misunderstood," I sniffed. "I was so worried about you! I am just so happy that you are still around to be mean to me!" With my last words I dissolved into a fit of tears and could no longer speak.

"That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard," said Severus after a moment.

"I know." I said when I could speak again. I gave a shaky little laugh. "But where would I be without your vulgarity and general pessimistic outlook on the world." I laughed again, but then stared with all seriousness at my cousin. "I don't know what I would do without you."

He did not meet my gaze, but started to the side.

"I was looking for you," Severus said finally. "That is why I was in Diagon Alley."

I smiled to myself tearfully.

"Alex?" Severus said.

It took me a moment to respond. It seemed strange to me to hear Severus use my name.

"Yes," I answered kindly.

"There is something else I need to tell you," Severus said, his eyes darkened as he still stared off to the side.

I knelt beside his armchair once more and gazed up at him. His eyes flicked towards me for a split second and then continued to look away.

"I did kill your sister," he said emotionlessly.

My gaze fell away from him and I stared at the floor boards.

"I know," I said weakly.

"You must understand," he said sinking deeper within himself, "once we believed you to be dead, our orders were to," he paused, "finish the job."

Tear from my eye fell onto my lap. "I understand."

"Bellatrix, killed your parents," said Severus deadly.

"I know," I said miserably as more tears fell.

"And she was going to kill Sidney as well," said Severus.

I miserably looked back into his face, but he still would not meet my eyes.

Severus scowled at the air. "Bellatrix was going to do it, but," he paused, thinking of how best to put this, "but Bellatrix likes to play with her food before she eats it. She was torturing Sidney and I," he stopped and finally looked me in the face, "and I put an end to it."

I buried my face in my hands. I could not describe my feelings or the thoughts that were running through my head, but I did know that the two halves of my heart slowly began to sew themselves back together and I was once again a whole.

"I know that does not justify-" Severus began.

"Actually," I cut him off, tearfully raising my face from my hands. "Actually it does justify." I stood and walked to the stairs. "I still love you, Severus," I said before carefully ascending the steps.

**Please review**


	35. Chapter 34

Chapter 34

Behind the Door

August 31, 1997

I had to go back to Diagon Alley the first thing in the morning to see if all me purchases that I had abandoned the night before were still where I had left them. And thank goodness they were, because Severus was already in a bad mood (worse than usual) from his attack last night and I did not want to have to ask him for more money.

Although, I was surprised to find that his anger was not directed at me. He did seem especial bitter and he seemed to be a bit more forceful in all his actions, he was quite civil to me, well as civil as Severus Snape was capable of being, as long as I did not bring up last night.

When I came downstairs I found him in the kitchen mixing together a thick, puke-green color potion. When I asked him what it was, he scowled and told me it was not my concern, but throughout the morning and afternoon I saw him taking it in little eggcups portions as if they were tequila shots. I figured the potion was to help with pain and since he seemed so keen on leaving me in the dark, I did not press him. I did, however, question him about how he was feeling several times, and when I did this he would either just grimace in the opposite direction or just ignore me all together, so I rightfully dropped it.

The cuts on his face were hardly visible now, just thin little scratches, nobody would even think to question about them.

I finished packing my trunk for Hogwarts. It did not take long because I had been almost done for days, but when the last sock was put away and the last book stuffed inside, I decided to go downstairs and force my company on Severus.

I found him in his armchair reading a book. I could just make out the faded title on the cover, Death and Dark Magic By: Joseph Fanghorn.

Severus did not look up even though I was sure he knew I was there.

"That book looks _very_ uplifting," I said sarcastically.

He glanced up at me for a moment then went back to his reading.

"What is it about?" I asked, knowing very well that he wanted to be left alone.

"It is informative," he said not looking up at me; he turned the page. "I am learning."

"Do you ever read fiction?" I asked, smiling to myself, knowing that I was getting on his nerves.

"No," Severus said shortly.

"Really, you never read any fiction?" I questioned him.

He turned to the next page.

"No Mark Twain or Jane Austen?"

"I have no idea who those people are," said Severus simply.

"I guess they are famous muggle authors, not wizarding authors, but your father was a muggle," I pointed out.

"Tobias drank, he did not read," Severus said with crude casualness.

"Oh," I said awkwardly.

"Do you mind?" Severus said, looking at me over his book at last.

"Sorry, I don't mind," I said, "I will be quiet."

He gave me a final stern look then went back to Death and Dark Magic.

I went and sat on the worn sofa and listened to Severus turn the page of his book.

After what seemed lifetimes, but was really only like five minutes, I let out a sigh of boredom, and then quickly looked at Severus to see if he had noticed. If he did he ignored me and just turned another page.

I sighed again.

He turned the next page a little more forcefully.

I smiled.

"Severus?"

"What?" he asked in a slow, murderous hiss.

I let out a small giggle. "Do you mind if I pick out a book to read?"

"No," he said irritably.

I stood and began perusing Severus's private library. There were hundreds of books, all seemed to be informational, and most seemed to be about the Dark Arts. Suddenly my eye caught a small, black leather-bound book that didn't belong with the others. It was tucked away on the bottom shelf and very corner of one of the bookcases. I bent down and pulled it out. It was a story I was very familiar with and by an author I knew very well.

"Severus?"

"What could you possibly want now?" he said exasperatedly, slamming his book down on the side table.

I smiled at him. "I was just wondering if you have read all the books in here."

Severus crossed his arms and leaned back in the chair, rolling his eyes profusely.

"Yes," he said with pure annoyance.

"Really," I asked with mild disbelief, "every one of these books?"

"Yes," Severus answered again, in the same tone of annoyance, but this time I sensed a note of suspicion in his voice. "I have read every book in this my collection, at least once." He paused to glare at me as I let out a small giggle. "Normally I am a rather quick reader, when there is no one around to distract me," he added pointedly, but I could tell he was not really angry.

I laughed again.

"What is it?" he asked with bitter frustration.

"How many times have you read this book," I said, holding out the small, black, leather-bound copy of Romeo and Juliet, by William Shakespeare.

He scowled at me and I laughed at him openly.

"Well?" I asked teasingly.

Suddenly I dropped the book; my left arm began to burn, saving Severus from having to answer.

"Come on," he told me seriously as he stood.

I nodded gravely, knowing that fun time was long gone.

Severus disapparated and I followed suit.

The sky above Malfoy Manor was a dark grey. The clouds threatened a rain storm although the air was quite dry.

Severus knocked hard on the front door.

I suddenly heard a roar of thunder and soon the sky was lit with a stream of dancing lightning.

As the door of the manor swung open I was greeted with the intense feeling of wanting to gag, for the air suddenly filled with the distinctive taste of sweat, dirt and blood. Then Fenrir Greyback stood in the doorway, blocking our path.

"Show your arm," he spat, his eyes cast down timidly in the presence of Severus.

"Why?" Severus jeered at the werewolf.

"New precaution," said Greyback, scowling at the ground. "The Dark Lord doesn't want any imposters around."

"Why should you check our arms when dark marks are need to apparate within one hundred yards of this manor house?" Severus stared jeeringly at the werewolf. "You would know all about that, wouldn't you Greyback?"

"Look!" said Greyback finally meeting Severus's eyes angrily, obviously very insecure about not having a dark mark of his own. Once again I felt that strange sense of pity for the werewolf, I kind of wished I could have given him my dark mark, for I sure did not want it. "I am just following orders, SO SHOW ME YOUR DAMN ARM!"

Thunder snarled in the background and another flash of lightning came.

Severus rolled his eyes, but never the less pulled up his sleeve revealing the menacing burn that writhed, inky black on his left arm, signaling the summons of Lord Voldemort.

Greyback let Severus pass grudgingly.

Next, I stepped up to the werewolf too. He bared his nasty, throat-tearing teeth at me, in a slight grin. Then I exposed my left arm to him; I looked away for I did not like to look at it.

I heard Greyback take deep breathes in as I walked by, sucking my scent from the air.

I walked with Severus along the hall to the room where meeting usually took place.

I wondered if it would be possible for me to see Draco after the conference was over. Tomorrow we would be going back to Hogwarts and we would have to go back to hating each other again. So I was hoping to get in one last moment with him to last me at most until Christmas Holiday. _Oh man, that would be a long time!_

Then again, maybe it would not be wise to pursue anything with Draco at the moment, especial after Severus and I had just gotten back on somewhat good terms. I didn't think Severus would be thrilled about me running off with Draco the night before we leave for Hogwarts or at any other time either.

Perhaps an appropriate moment would reveal itself for Draco and me to sneak upstairs together. I could only hope.

I followed Severus into the room with the long table that was already packed with Deatheaters. I took my seat at the far end, away from the head. I was greeted politely by many of the low rank, yet aspiring villainous achievers at the end of the table with me. There was a fair deal of chatter coming from up and down the room, suddenly, like a wave over the long table the talking stopped starting at the head.

Lord Voldemort had just burst into the room for a side door, in which he sometimes invited his favorite deatheater after meetings to have secret conversation with them one on one. Usually it is Severus who was granted this most high horror, but sometime Bellatrix or Yaxley.

The Dark Lord took his seat at the head of the table, his gigantic pet Snake wound around his neck like a huge scaly scarf.

You would think that deatheater meetings would be a little more interesting than this, but really they become pretty redundant after a while. Every meeting was exactly the same; the deatheaters start by stating whom they have most recently killed and what advantages that particular murder gives Voldemort. It seems kind of cold-hearted of me to bring up murder so simply but when it is spoken of so often the concept loses its true meaning and the victims just became a bunch of nameless faces and to tell the truth I preferred it that way. Then the Dark Lord talks about wizarding power and how we should come out of hiding and enslave muggles and mudbloods and all the deatheater around me listen eagerly as if they hadn't heard the same speech a billion times. Then we discuss plans to do in Harry Potter for the rest of the conference. If you really think about it, being a deatheater is rather pathetic.

This particular meeting ended like all the rest of them did. The Dark Lord stood and so did we; he turned and began to walk to the door in which he entered from. The deatheater's began to disperse. My eyes found Draco moving towards the exit at a swift pace as it was his routine to make a quick escape after the meetings. I was about to follow him when I heard a slow venomous hiss call out my name from the other side of the room.

Suddenly all the comfort of routine was gone. I took a deep breath and turned around slowly.

"Alexandra Snape," hissed Lord Voldemort again, resting his white, long-fingered hand on the silver knob of the door.

I forced a smile on my face.

"Yes, My Lord." I said trying my very best to sound delighted.

"Come here," he whispered sickeningly.

I began to cross the room; I could feel every eye on me like a weight ever slowing my pace. My gaze fell upon Severus; his eyes were blank and his expression unreadable.

I reached the door; I smiled up into Lord Voldemort's horrid face. His red eyes poured into mine and I had the sudden urge to cry out.

A hideous grin crossed his lipless mouth, pulling at the skin on his face, stretching his slit like nostrils that he had instead of a nose.

"Please come in," Voldemort said as he opened the door with a creak.

Voldemort held the door ajar for me. I peered inside; the room was horribly dark.

I gave a slight shutter as I felt Lord Voldemort's snake slither across my feet into the room first.

"What are you waiting for?" asked the Dark Lord in a slow hiss.

"Nothing," I said quickly; I entered.

Lord Voldemort followed me inside and closed the door. The darkness was so thick and I could not see anything. I turned my head in every direction, trying to figure out where the snake was, where Voldemort was. I clasped my hands over my mouth, repressing a shriek as a cold hand grabbed my shoulder. Then I heard a clicking noise as the door locked.


	36. Chapter 35

Chapter 35

When The Door Opened

(Same day)

"Alexandra Snape," breathed Voldemort in my ear.

The candles around the room magically lit, casting a dim, shadowy glow. I jumped to see the Dark Lord's face so close to mine.

He laughed softly and stepped back and began to circle me curiously.

"I frighten you," said the Dark Lord.

It was not question but I answered anyway. "Perhaps, My Lord," I said in a tone as calm as I could make it, "but only because I am so much in awe by your power and I find your greatness intimidating."

"Kind words, indeed" he hissed, still circling me, "but how can I trust such a silent mind?" He ceased his pacing and stopped right in front of me, reaching out a cold, white hand to stroke my cheek.

I flinched.

"Fear," said Voldemort's shrill voice, yet he smiled.

"You must know I only wish to serve you," I said softly.

At that Lord Voldemort laughed, a cold, piercing laugh that send shivers down my spine. I wished more than anything to be back at Spinner's End. My eyes nervously scanned the room for the snake. She was curled in an armchair, warming herself by a fire of blue flames that had just sprouted out of nowhere in the old fireplace. She was like an ugly cat; watching us alertly, knowingly, from her resting place.

The Dark Lord moved in closer, too close. His face was only inches away from mine. I forced myself to stare up into his horrible red eyes. I could see his slit like nostrils flare as he drew breath.

"You only wish to serve me," Lord Voldemort said in a low voice, more to himself than to me. "Severus assures me of your loyalty to me and I have always trusted Severus Snape, he is and always has been one of my most devoted and valuable servants," the Dark Lord continued, "Yet, you frustrate me."

"Let me prove myself, My Lord," I pleaded. "I know I have shown lack of judgment in the past, but please let me prove to you that I have changed." My eyes kept jumping for Voldemort to the snake.

Hissing, spitting sounds admitted from the Dark Lord's lips; the great snake spoke back to him in the same language.

"You are right in saying that your past actions were foolish," said Voldemort resorting back to English. "Very foolish indeed," he added slowly. "Sometimes I wonder if it would be more prudent to just kill you now to leave out all questions of your loyalty."

I cast my eyes to the floor.

"I assure you my Lord that I will prove myself to you," I said shakily.

"And deny Nagini her dinner," said Voldemort, laughing, "She tells me that you smell delicious."

My eyes flicked towards the giant Snake, a hungry look was dancing in its eyes and as I looked towards the Dark Lord once more I gasped to see the snake's expression mirrored in his own.

"How unfortunate," he began, "for Nagini; she longed for a taste, perhaps she will get her chance in future, but not today. You will have a chance to prove yourself at Hogwarts. Go back to school, observe the teachers and students alike, bring me back any information you may learn, but do not give away your position. Do not fail me."

"I won't, My Lord," I said almost lighthearted with this easy and non-murderous job I was given. I just had to spy, that was it. No killing, no harm to anyone. I would just have to tell Voldemort that everything was going swimmingly at Hogwarts and Severus could help me. "Thank you for this opportunity, I shall not let you down." I began walking towards the door thinking, foolishly that he was done with me, thinking that I had truly gotten off that easily.

Voldemort's cool hand caught my wrist. I felt painful disappointment at his touch; I couldn't escape.

"Not quite yet," hissed Lord Voldemort. A most disgusting smile spread across his lips, stretching his snake like features.

* * *

Severus sat in the parlor of the manor with the few deatheaters that remained. He had accepted a glass of red wine from Narcissa Malfoy, whom he had been a favorite of since last year when he had vowed to protect her son and in the end did.

He drank silently and every so often his eyes would flick towards the door in which he knew his cousin was trapped behind with the Dark Lord.

She had been in there for a long time, Severus wondered if the girl could handle herself in such a situation. What if she lost her nerve and gave herself away? What if he killed her?

Bellatrix too sat in the parlor with a glass of wine, though her lips never touched the glass. She was too busy glaring jealously in the direction on the door. What would the Dark Lord want with the Snape girl? Why would he seek an audience with her and not Bellatrix, when she, Bellatrix was his most devoted servant and went to Azkaban for him? What made this girl so special?

At that moment a horrible, long, high pitched scream issued from the closed door on the other side of the room.

Everyone was silent and their eyes all slide to the door. Severus froze, holding his drink half way to his mouth. Bellatrix began to laugh hysterically. Severus caught himself and raised the glass to his lips but did not drink and then lowered it again.

Everyone stared at the closed door where the horrible scream had come from, but it wasn't until after many long, cold minutes did the door finally open again.

Lord Voldemort emerged from it. His deatheaters' eyes followed his movement as if waiting for some sort of explanation of what had just happened or for any indication of what to do next; perhaps move the body, but the Dark Lord did not say a word, just walked past them all, out of the room with the snake at his heels.

Severus stood and began to walk towards to door, not too fast, but not too slow. He was about peer inside the room when he heard a loud pop of someone disapparating and when he finally looked inside there was no one there.


	37. Chapter 36

Chapter 36

Another Birthday

(Same day)

Severus apparated into the Spinner's End house, "Alex," he called out.

There was no answer.

"Alex!" he called again with more desperation in his voice.

Only silence followed.

Then with utmost concern did he begin searching every room for her, loudly calling out her name, but still there was no answer. It was not until he opened the door to his childhood bedroom did he see her.

She was sitting in the corner of the room, her knees tightly pressed against her chest and fat tears streamed out of her wide, frightened eyes, yet she looked completely unscathed.

"Alex?"

She didn't answer.

Severus could not help but feel annoyance at the lack of response he was getting, but as he approached her his mind set changed; there was something lost in her eyes; she looked maddened.

Although he moved closer and closer to where see sat she seemed not to notice his presence, her gaze seemed to be focused on something he couldn't see. Severus's mind jumped to all the horrible magic the Dark Lord was capable of. He could make people relive their darkest hours, he could make them hallucinate their worst fears yet all that magic involves the brain and could not affect an antilegilimens, like Alex Snape.

Severus knelt beside her and now as close as he was he could see that Alex's whole body was trembling.

"Alex?" he said for the hundredth time in the last five minutes; his voice was barely a whisper.

She still did not acknowledge him at all, but stared teary eyed over his shoulder.

"Alex," he said loudly; he reached out and touched her shoulder.

"NO!" she screamed, "NO, NO, NO!" she held up her wand over her head and created a blue force field around herself, pushing Severus to the floor.

Severus stood and walked backwards, pressing himself against the opposite wall, realizing that she didn't want to be touched.

The magical shield around her faded as soon as he backed away. Alex was left out of breath from the quickness and force of her spell.

She now looked at him with sad, pleading eyes.

"What did he do to you?" Severus asked in a breathless whisper.

Alex shook her head frantically like a little toddler that had just learned the meaning of the word 'no'.

"I cannot help you if you do not tell me," he said, his voice suddenly drained of all emotion.

She shook her head again. "You can't help," she whispered hoarsely.

"Let me try," Severus said almost pleadingly.

"Please," she sobbed, "please, please, just leave me alone," her blue eyes were fixed upon him, watching him carefully as if she was frightened he would move close to her again. "I cannot talk about this, please, please don't ask me." Tears began streaming down her pale cheeks faster than before. "Just leave me alone," she pleaded with him desperately, "I just need to be alone."

"Alex," Severus protested.

"LEAVE!" she screamed.

Severus stared at her sobbing, shaking form on the floor for a long moment with a loss for what to do, but then he decided to oblige her.

He left the room a she asked, closed the door and sat with his back against the wall outside the room listening for any sounds of change, but for the hours that he sat there he heard nothing but continuous sobbing.

What could have happened to his cousin?

* * *

September 1, 1997

The tears finally stopped but were replaced with something much worst, the numbness. The numbness that I had experienced after my family's murder, the purge of all emotion, the endless chill of mind, body and soul, the numbness I had feared would someday return, but now that it had I could hardly care.

I was able to pick myself of the floor and almost dreamlike did I float over to the bed and climb under the covers; I was so cold.

I laid flat on my back, closed my eyes, and waited for sleep to take me, but as soon as my eyelids sealed off the little light that spilled in through the curtains from the flickering streetlights pain shot through my whole body as my numbness was momentarily shattered by searing horror. For as the moment I closed my eyes all I could see was the form of Lord Voldemort, his hideous red eyes, shrieking, cruel laugh and death bringing smile.

I took in a sharp breath of musty air and opened my eyes knowing that sleep was impossible and as I did this I fell back into the numbness.

I turned on my side and watched the clock on the wall. As I followed the second hand as it twitched across the clock's face, it occurred to me that it was one o'clock in the morning of September first, my birthday. I was 18 today. So I guess it was a lie when they say that someone can die of unhappiness or of a broken heart. It has been almost a year since I was truly happy and my heart was torn to shreds, but yet, I still managed to make it to another birthday.

My limbs felt useless and I continued to stare at the clock.

One o'clock turned into one-forty-five and one-forty-five quickly became three-forty-five and then four and the five and then at 54 minutes and 32 seconds after five o'clock did I hear the bedroom door open. The sound of footsteps followed the creaking sound of the door and then Severus was in my line of sight, his figure blocking the clock from view.

"Alex?" he said kneeling to meet my eyes but still staying out of reach.

I looked at him blankly.

"Say something so I know you are listening," Severus ordered me.

I didn't feel motivated to speak, but nodded shortly.

Severus stared at me for a long time until he seemed to decide to be satisfied with my response.

"I need to go to Hogwarts," he told me, his voice empty of emotion.

"Hogwarts?" I asked blankly.

"Teachers must arrive before the students," Severus explained.

I stared at him for a long time; my mind seemed to be moving in slow motion. "So you are leaving?" I asked when I had made sense of what he had said.

"Yes," said his voice still detached of emotion.

The pain came again, the searing pain, which burned through my icy numbness like hot iron. It was fear again; it was fear and electrocuting loneliness.

I sat up suddenly and my head began to spin. Severus stood.

"Can I come with you?" I cried.

Severus focused on a spot above me and shook his head.

"You must take the train with the rest of the students, it would look suspicious if I took you with me," he explained in a whisper.

I began to sob, pulling my knees to my chest, falling in and out of the numbness. Severus moved towards the bed and cautiously sat beside me; careful not to let his arm brush against mine, but on my own terms I fell into him and clung to him, hiding my face in his chest.

His hand fell upon my shoulder with a firm grip.

"Tell me what happened," he said in a monotone.

I shook my head into his robes.

Severus pulled me away from him and gently pushed me onto the pillow.

"This is you train ticket," he said standing up and placing it on the bedside table. "Make sure you are not late."

He began to walk away, but I grabbed his hand.

"Do you really have to leave?" my voice shook as I stared at him with wide, wet eyes.

"I do," he said in a distant whisper. Severus knelt by the bed again and detached himself from my grasp, placing my now limp arm down on the bed. "Sleep," he whispered in my ear. Then he placed something in my lifeless hand. "For your birthday," he said before walking away and closing the door behind him.

I looked down and I was holding Severus's copy of Romeo and Juliet and with the comforting weight of a familiar story in my palm, I finally fell asleep.


	38. Chapter 37

Chapter 37

The Football Hater

(Same day)

"All aboard," called a distant voice, as I moved dreamlike through the aisles of the Hogwarts Express. Many eyes were on me as I walked, each gaze seemed to puncture me like an angry bee sting. I saw many familiar faces. All of them, however, seemed to stare with looks of mistrust and dislike, as if they knew about the hideous mark that lived under my left sleeve, as if they knew that I was no longer one of them.

Suddenly and by complete accident, I caught the eye of Neville Longbottom. Although, he did not look at me like the others did. His look was not of anger or suspicion, but he looked at me with his eyes full of compassion and friendliness, which was somehow more painful than the shameless glares I was getting from the other students. Neville reached for the compartment door as if to ask me to join him and his companion, but I walk past him quickly, not looking back.

"Alex," he called out of the compartment door. "Alex Snape."

But I could not answer him. I could not sit with him and his friends, so pure and honest, when I was tainted and deceitful, sent to spy on them all, sent to betray their secrets.

I found a compartment in the last car of the train. Inside sat three first year girls, already in their Hogwarts robes. They were talking happily to each other, so innocently and so unsuspecting. I hated to intrude upon there naïve bliss, but I had ran out of compartment options.

As I slid the door ajar they greeted me with shy smiles. I ignored them. I took a corner seat and closed my eyes, willing myself to become part of the compartment wall. I heard their nervous whispers, but I blocked them out like the rest of the world and became more and more inanimate as the train plunged on.

* * *

(Same day)

An old ford was rocking rather quickly in a deserted corner of the high schools parking lot.

"Ow, David stop it," said Nancy softly, "not so hard."

"I thought you liked it rough," David laughed harshly, but moving off her all the same. He leaned back into the seat of his car and zipped up his pants. Nancy neatly flipped down the front of her skirt; it was not like she was wearing underwear anyway.

"I didn't mean you had to stop, stop," pouted Nancy, "I just meant not so hard, you know."

"That's fine," David said dismissively as he climbed up into the driver's seat, "I was done anyway."

"Maybe I'm not ready to stop," said Nancy in her sweetest seduction voice.

"Well if you want to keep going on your own, be my guest, but you are going to have to find another place to do it because I have places to be," said David, starting the engine.

"David!" Nancy squealed.

"Want me to give you a lift to your car?" David ignored her.

Nancy shook her head. "I am really late for cheer practice." Nancy climbed into the front seat with David, flashing the world as she did so.

"Right," David said slowly.

"So could you just drive me to the front of the school?" Nancy asked sweetly.

"Yeah sure," said David distantly.

"David you are so different, than you were," Nancy said, reaching our and ruffling his sandy curls.

David ignored her, but shook her hand from his head.

Mere seconds later, David stopped his car in front of the school.

"Thank you," said Nancy slowly, her tone dripping with seduction.

"You're welcome," said David looking away from her. Then after a long awkward pause, David turned towards her again, realizing that she had made no effort to leave. "Didn't you say you were late for something?"

"Yeah, cheer practice," said Nancy.

"Well don't you need to get out of the car in order to go to practice?" said David his tone full of bitter sarcasm.

"I will," said Nancy in a hum as she leaned towards David to kiss his neck, "eventually."

Annoyance bubbled up inside David's chest; he quickly shoved the car into park and escaped out the door, leaving Nancy to fall face first onto his seat. He was beginning to think that maybe Nancy was far more trouble than she was worth.

David leaned cross armed against his car waiting for the girl to get out already. Finally she did and tripped over to where he was.

"Good bye," David said, reaching for the car door.

"David, I always get a kiss after a date," Nancy pouted.

"Yeah, except this was a fuck not a date," said David.

"David!" Nancy said scandalized.

"Do you know that people call you Nice' N' Easy Nancy?" David said carelessly.

Nancy let out a small giggle and started twirling her bleached hair between her fingers, "Well," she smirked as if David had just paid her a great compliment.

"Wow," said David laughing openly at her, "Wow."

"David, what is it? What's so funny?" Nancy cried.

"You just haven't got a clue, do you?" David laughed.

"That is not a very nice thing to say, David! What is wrong with you? You use to be so nice to me!"

A few passersby stared at the two of them as they walked towards the school.

David continued to laugh cruelly at the girl. "You're right, I did use to be nice to you, but that was before I figured out that you would put out regardless."

Nancy didn't say anything but looked up at him with her large, stupid, brown eyes. He stopped laughing because he could tell by the look on her face that he had really hurt her feelings.

"Look Nancy," he said firmly. "Right now it must be tough for you to be surrounded by so many jerks like me, who are just using you as a stress release or because they had nothing better to do. But just remember that you are really pretty and you don't have to worry about things like most average looking people do. Someday you will marry some rich old guy because obviously you have some serious daddy issues and this man can be smart for you and buy you pretty things. Right, you like pretty things don't you?" David addressed her like a small child. "I am sure you will be very happy. So don't even worry about us jerks now, especially me. I mean, it is not that I don't like you at all; you are a very generous person. It is just I don't like you enough to put up with you on a regular bases."

Nancy quietly stared at the ground for a while, trying to piece together everything that was just said to her. After a moment, she obviously decided that she found David's little speech quite offensive because with all the strength she could muster she slapped David across the face and stormed off to cheer practice.

David ran his hand over the warm strike mark on his face and began to laugh again, but before he could safely manage to sit in his car again he had another blow, this time to the back of this head. David turned around to see Jeremy Hamilton, Ralf Butler and Josh Russell, three ex friends of his from David's ex-football team. They were all wearing their football gear, but no helmets so their silhouettes against the sun light looked oddly disproportionate with their large bodies and small heads.

One of those douchebags had just thrown a fucking football at his head. David picked up the ball off the ground.

"What the hell?" David shouted at them.

"Oh," said Jeremy looking around melodramatically and then pointed to his chest. "You, talkin' to us. That would be a first."

"Jeremy, you mother fucker, why the hell did you throw this at me?" yelled David holding up the football.

"I think we made him kind of angry," said Josh mockingly.

"Davy," said Ralf, "Why the hell are you not on the team this year?"

"That is none of your fucking business," David yelled.

"Yep, definitely made him angry," said Josh laughing.

"Don't get defensive, you jackass," said Jeremy.

"Yeah, we are just trying to look out for you, man," said Ralf. "Coach said that he will still let you join the team."

"David, we need you to win; you were our best player and our captain," said Josh.

"David, look," said Jeremy as he and his companions dared to come closer to their friend. "We didn't want to piss you off."

"Well, way to go," said David sarcastically.

"What is your problem?" Jeremy asked.

"I don't have a problem," said David defensively. "I just don't particularly like balls being thrown at my head and I certainly don't like being interrogated."

"Who's interrogating?" asked Ralf.

"Harper," said Jeremy firmly, "Just hear us out. We are worried about you."

"Are you worried about _me_ or the team?" David asked dryly.

"Both," said Josh.

"I am not joining," said David flatly.

"Why?" asked Ralf.

"Because I don't give a damn about football!" exclaimed David with exasperation.

"What is this shit?" asked Jeremy. "You were on the team the last three years. You are a fuckin' senior for god sake! This is your year!"

"You could get a football scholarship," said Josh.

"Look," said David with force calm. "I. Do. Not. Like. Football."

"You didn't seem to have a problem with it last year when you played." Josh pointed out.

"Well I did," said David.

"You didn't seem to mind winning and screwing cheerleaders," said Jeremy. "By the way was that Nancy that just slapped you?" he asked as he craned his neck to look in the direction that the girl had exited as if he could still catch a glimpse of her.

David ignored the question. "Last year I realized that-" David began, but cut himself off. "You know what, never mind." He opened his car door.

"Wait a second," said Jeremy as a light turned on in his brain. "This has to do with her again, doesn't it?"

David stopped halfway in his car and then stood up straight again. "Who are you talking about?" he asked distantly, even though he already knew.

Jeremy considered David for a long moment; he considered how they had been best friends since eighth grade or rather used to be best friends. He thought that he knew everything there was to know about David Harper, but apparently not.

When she was living David hardly spoke of Alex Snape. Jeremy knew that she was David's neighbor, but besides that he knew nothing of her. It was not like David was friends with her or anything. David was the captain of the football team for fuck sake and she was, well not in their crowd. And then she went and died and all of a sudden David was fuckin' in love with her and now hates football! Of course when a kid from school dies everyone is all like 'oh that is really sad that they died,' but David, he changed.

He started talking about Alex Snape none stop as if he had like a secret life with her or something. He told Jeremy about all the times they had played together as children and of times she came over to help him with his Spanish homework. He cried a lot too and it was super awkward. Really, he was not friends with this girl. And one day, Jeremy had to put his foot down and tell him that enough was enough; it was time to move on with his life and for a while he did, well sort of. Jeremy got David to be on the football team last year and the wrestling team and he even got him to get back together with Polyline for a while, but David was never quite himself, he never seemed to be, well, happy. Then this summer David stopped hanging out with Jeremy and the rest of the guys and came back to school as a football hater.

"You know who I mean, David," said Jeremy, "Alex Snape."

"I don't want to talk about this," said David as he reached for the car door again, but Jeremy slammed it shut.

"She's dead, David," Jeremy said, not meaning to be unkind, just frank.

"STOP TALKING ABOUT HER!" David screamed.

Jeremy turned to his companions and they shared nervous glances.

David had nothing else to say. He opened the door to his car hard, hitting Jeremy in the shins and then dropkicked the football hard in the opposite direction of the field. Then he got into his car and drove away fast.

"Who the fucks do those guys think they are?" David yelled, hitting his palm against the steering wheel angrily, making his hand hurt. _She's dead. She's dead. SHE'S DEAD! _Why did everyone have to keep telling him that? God Dammit! He was not stupid.

David knew he had changed and he knew it was her fault. He loved her and she died. He loved her and he did not do anything about it. She was everything good in his world. When his mom was drunk and his dad wasn't home, she was always there just down the street. He use to make up excuses to have to go over to her house, to borrow a book, to get help with homework, you name it.

And she would listen to him, really listen to what he had to say and she would laugh at all his jokes and she liked him. She liked him for exactly who he was.

He told her things that he wouldn't have been able to say to anyone. He told her how he only played sports to make his father happy, and not that it ever really worked. He told her about his girlfriends, now he wished he wouldn't have. And he showed her his drawings and she really liked them. He told her that he wanted to be an artist and she said that he should go for it.

David parked the car, got out and locked the doors. He swiftly crossed the graveled parking lot, the late summer sun hot on his neck and then he reached the familiar iron gate of the cemetery and walked through as he had done many times before.

* * *

There was light chatter as I entered the great hall. It was not the usual bustle that emanated from the dining hall, but many timid whispers of students.

I looked up at the teachers and my eyes immediately fell upon Severus. He was sitting in the headmaster's chair in the middle of his coworkers. His eyes were fixed on the first year students that stood in the middle of the hall waiting to be sorted. He seemed transfixed as his he was trying to count every hair on each one of their heads. I stared up at him for many long second, but he was too deep within his own thoughts to notice.

The staff was deathly quiet. In the past, when I had looked up at the staff table the teachers would have been talking to each other animatedly, sometimes forming little clicks among themselves, moving along the table to jabber with their friends like students would, but not today. All there expressions were stony and they looked straight ahead, once in a while letting their eyes fall on a student, looking at them helplessly. All of them did this except for the two new teachers that sat on either side of Severus.

The witch had mousy brown hair and squinty blue eye and an inverted nose. The wizard, who greatly resembled the witch, had slightly darker hair, permanently surprised blue eyes and the same nose. They both had a rather flat face and if they had been standing from the table their squat, lumpy forms would have been made know. They both had extremely dumb, yet vicious looking expressions as the spoke and laughed, while everyone else looked miserable. The pair was named Amycus and Alecto Carrow, brother and sister deatheaters come to teach at Hogwarts.

My eyes caught those of Professor Slughorn's, but he quickly blinked and instantly broke away from me as if my gaze was toxic.

With my insides stinging I took a seat at the very end of the Gryffindor table, closest to the staff table. So that hopefully no one would talk to me. At first many people looked in my direction but soon I became invisible amongst the crowds of entering students.

I watched as the first years got sorted, each one looked younger and more fragile than the last. Many can to join the Gryffindor table happily, although they would have been safer in Slytherin.

Finally when Cecily Zelman was sorted into Ravenclaw Professor McGonagall removed the stool and hat from the center of the hall and Professor Snape stood from his seat.

"This year at Hogwarts there is going to be some changes," Severus started unceremoniously. With his words the hall erupted into the sound of low murmurs. "Silence," Severus hissed mutinously and the room immediately went quiet as if he had shouted. "As I was saying," he continued with a scowl, "For those of you who attended Hogwarts last year, you will find it to be very different." He paused to take a breath and looked towards the Carrows. "There will be some change in staffing this year." The Carrows stood. "This is Professor Alecto Carrow," he indicated the woman deatheater. "Professor Carrow will be teaching muggle studies." Severus didn't dare bringing up what happen to the last muggle studies teacher. "This," he indicated the male deatheater, "is Professor Amycus Carrow; he will be teaching you," Severus took a long pause, "the dark arts." Students throw nervous glances at each other, but none of them dared to speak.

"Besides the change in staff and curriculum this year," Severus went on, "there will also be a change in disciplinary tactics."

Once again the students looked at each other meaningfully and some came closer together as if they were under attack now.

"This year at Hogwarts," said Severus, "We will expect a greater level of obedience and loyalty, those who fail to meet the new standard shall be severely," he emphasized the word severely, "punished." Everyone listening took his words as a threat, but only I knew them to be a warning.

And with that Severus took his seat, leaving everyone in shock and fear except for the Carrows, who were grinning. Then unceremoniously the feast appeared on the table, no one was feeling very hungry anymore.

As I stared at my untouched meal in front of me, I felt a firm hand on my shoulder and I shuttered, but the hand was so warm, strong and comforting I didn't put away. I tilted my head back and saw Neville.

"Why did you walk away from me on the train?" Neville asked, with hurt confusion. He was so nice; I hated myself for being near him. "I called out your name," he told me.

I looked away from him. "I didn't notice," I lied.

At my words Neville leaned towards me and whispered quickly in my ear. "No one blames you. It is not your fault that you are related to that murderer," I felt myself twist at the word murderer. "We are going to resist," Neville said in a hush, but proudly.

I stared up at him again. "No," I said forgetting to whisper.

Neville shushed me and squeezed himself in between me and the second year next to me, so that I was halfway off the end of the bench. "I have it all figured out," Neville whispered to me. "I have been planning all summer."

"Don't tell me," I whispered nearly inaudibly. I did not want to know anything that could be used against him, I was supposed to spy, but I couldn't spy on Neville, I just couldn't.

Neville ignored my request. "This was before your time at Hogwarts, but we had this club, if you will, called the D.A. which is short for Dumbledore's Army."

"I don't want to know about this," I said in a dazed voice. What if Neville and his group got themselves killed? What if they successfully caused problems at the school and I failed to warn the Dark Lord about it, then what would He do to me? What would He do to Severus?

"We can meet in the room of requirement and-"

"Neville, shut up," I snapped.

Neville looked at me with alarm. We stared at each other for a painful moment.

"Alex?" Neville asked.

"I don't want to know about this. I don't want to help and I don't want to talk to you," I said emotionlessly.

"Alex?" Neville asked again.

"Go away, Neville," I said softly.

Neville stood.

"With or without your help, we are not going to let them take this school," said Neville sternly before walking away.

I sighed down at my food, feeling sick looking at it. I stood and left the great hall; I couldn't stay here a moment longer.

**Dear Readers,**

**Sorry it has been so long since I put up a new chapter; it has been a crazy few months, but now I will try to update more often. Please review.**

**Thank You,**

**Thora Jane  
**

**P.S.**

**Sorry about all the swearing in this chapter.**


	39. Chapter 38

Chapter 28

Not Hogwarts

(September-March)

Hogwarts is not Hogwarts anymore.

It once was a place of hope and safety. Now it was only a place of daily suffering. Now only the cruel would laugh and even dare to look joyful. It was not a rare occasion to see students with injuries brought upon by their "disobedience." The Carrows ruled the school and the other teachers were helpless against them.

All students were required to take Muggle Studies and The Dark Arts classes.

Alecto would lecture us on our superiority to muggles. "They are all filth," she would tell us on regular bases, "no better than dirty, stupid animals meant only to serve witches and wizards or otherwise be kept as pets."

At first shock of her new curriculum, students with muggle family or friends took to uproar, but Alecto would just send them to detention and they would soon keep their graces.

Students with detentions were turned over to the Carrows. All teachers (except Severus) were required to report their ill-behaved students to the Carrows immediately; although, it so happened that all the students became perfect little angels out of the presence of the Carrows because none of the _real_ teachers ever assigned any detentions, but no matter, the Carrows found plenty of fault with their students, so there was never a shortage of kids to punish.

Punishable students soon became extremely necessary for Amycus Carrow's Dark Arts classes. For it was so much more fun and a more opportune learning experience to practice illegal curses on people.

When asked to perform an unforgivable curse on a peer or friend, many of the cowards would do it out of fear. Some would relish in the chance to cause someone pain and would laugh with pleasure, like a cruel little child with a magnifying glass, burning ants on the pavement. Those who refused to act would be the next victims.

In the course of the last five months, Neville had been the constant subject of all Amycus's classroom projects. He and the Lovegood girl and the redheaded girl were always the ones to be in the most trouble.

The fools tried to steal from the headmaster's office, but Severus caught them as they tried to smuggle out the sword of Gryffindor. Who knows why they wanted the sword so badly, probably just to cause mischief.

They were just fortunate that they did not try to steal from the Carrows, but from Severus it made no difference; he gave them a detention yes, but it was conducted by Professor Hagrid not the Carrows.

Severus was furious that Neville and his friends tried to steal from him, but I don't think that it was the act of stealing that truly bothered him; it was the fact that the students would go to such lengths to create a disturbance and he worried that maybe next time they would not be so fortunate to get caught by him.

Not that he told me any of this. The little I did talk to him we only discussed what information was safe for me to pass on to the Dark Lord. It was always constant discussion of Voldemort and though I had Severus to advise me, I felt very much alone.

I soon learned that I should not come to expect any friendships nor affection from my teachers. I was not trusted. Though, some continued to remain kind to me, most shunned me all together.

Neville still attempted to talk to me, well, that was until sometime in the middle of March when he mysteriously disappeared and soon after him, his redheaded friend followed along with several other students. But I was sure they were safe. I knew they had not been captured, like the Lovegood girl, I couldn't even bear to think of her, but if they had been taken, I would have known about it. Sometimes when walking through the halls at night, I would think I had caught a glimpse of Neville, but then when I would turn to look again he would be gone.

I was so lonely.

I stopped seeing Draco. At first he tried to persuade me, catching my hand as I walked by, whispering secret meeting places in my ear, but I never would meet him and soon he gave up. I just could no longer bear to be so close to anyone. I could just not bear to feel anything.

I fell into a state of absentness as if I were stuck in autopilot; I could think and function, but I was not in the driver's seat. I was just watching my life pass by from the passenger's seat. I was constantly cold because I was out of my body with no skin to keep me warm.

The Dark Lord was happy with my work for him and I bore his presence and all the unpleasantness his presence brings with a numb, ghostlike air, floating inches above my body, yet still earth bond.

He would praise me and as he did this I seemed to become less and less human. It was only when the Dark Lord would invite me across the threshold of that side room would I be painfully forced back into my body, pulled into my own vat of suppressed emotions, feeling as human as it is possible to feel, but in the worst sense, so vulnerable, so weak. But as my visits to that room became more frequent, I began to give up the struggle and sometimes I wouldn't even scream. And then when it was over I would find my nothingness again.


	40. Chapter 39

Chapter 39

Fainted

(April 28, 1997)

I sat on the ground with my head in the toilet. After five solid vomit -free minutes I decided it was safe to stand up. I walked over to the sink and began rinsing my mouth out with warm water and then splashing cold water on my face.

I looked up into the mirror in front of me, something I had neglected to do for some time.

I could hardly recognize the person peering back at me from the other side of the glass. If I didn't know I was looking at my own reflection I wouldn't have guessed that I was gazing at myself.

I long black hair, which I used to be so proud of, now hung in greasy curtains around my face. My skin which was pale already took a new turn and became a sickly grey color. And because of my chronic lack of appetite, my body became bony and limp, and as a resent development, every time I tried to eat I could seldom keep my food in me. I figured that I must be sick with the flu or maybe after so much mental turmoil my body was just finally destroying itself. My nose and eyes became much too large from my emaciated face. My cheeks were hollow and my blue eyes were ringed with dark circles and empty. My relation to Severus had become very apparent over the last 8 months and there was no question that we were cousins.

I decide to dress and take a walk in the grounds. It was Saturday afternoon and I had nothing to do, yet I needed to be doing something; I needed to have my mind constantly focused upon some occupation, even something as simple as a long, long walk.

I went down to the common room. A few students were occupying it. They eyed me suspiciously as I passed, but I soon climbed out of the portrait hall into welcome solitude. I made my way down to the entrance hall without encountering a single person, but just as I reached the final stair of the marble staircase I caught the eye of Draco Malfoy.

We stared at each other for a brief moment and then I turned and began climbing up the same stairs that I had just descended.

"Alex," I heard him say.

I ignored him

"Alex, where do you think you are going?" he called.

I began to climb faster, but as I did so I began to feel more and more lightheaded.

"Alex, stop and come here and talk to me," Draco ordered.

Again I ignored him, but in my weak state my energy was decreasing and I heard his footsteps as he came after me.

"Stop ignoring me," he said as he caught my arm.

I fell back into him. He pulled me to him so that I was facing him and he held onto my shoulders so that I couldn't run away, but in truth, I had no will in me to do so.

I held onto the banister and between that and Draco's grasp I remained upright.

"I'm not in the mood," I said, but the look of disgust that was plastered Draco's face as he looked down at my wasted form suggested that sex was the last thing on his mind.

"I don't want to have sex with you," Draco exclaimed.

"What then?" I asked wearily; my eyelids felt heavy and my vision started to blur.

"I want to know what the hell your problem is," he said angrily.

"I don't have a problem. The Dark Lord is winning and I am overcome with happiness," I said not even bothering to hide my sarcasm. I let out a shaky laugh, I don't know what was so funny, but I had a mad desire to do so.

"What is wrong with you?" Draco said, looking behind him to make sure there was no one around to hear my last comment.

"Nothing is wrong with me," I said in a stupor.

"Do you think I was born yesterday?" said Draco. "Have you seen yourself? You look awful!"

I laughed again humorlessly.

"I mean," exclaimed Draco with disgust, "When is the last time you washed your hair and have you even been eating." He squeezed my bony shoulders. "You are the definition of someone with a problem."

The front doors opened and a gust of wind blew across where I stood and I was swept away.

* * *

Alex's arms and legs went limp and her head fell backwards. Fortunately Draco had a firm grasp on her and caught her before she fell onto the hard steps. She had fainted.

Draco quickly looked behind him to see who had opened the front doors; it was Professor Snape. Draco knew if anyone was going to help him with Alex, it would have to Snape; he couldn't bring her to the hospital wing in fear of Madam Pomfrey seeing her dark mark. Draco gently placed Alex on the steps below and began moving towards the headmaster.

Severus had been taking a long walk around the grounds, for no other reason than to keep his mind occupied. He spotted Draco as soon as he entered the school, but it was not until he came in closer to the marble staircase did he see Alex Snape's lifeless body sprawled across the steps.

He hastened forward as the front doors magically closed behind him.

"What happened?" Severus asked angrily as he met Draco at the bottom of the stairs.

"I think she fainted," said Draco as Professor Snape passed him going up the stairs. Draco Followed.

As they reached the girl, Severus looked behind him to see if anyone was around before kneeling next to Alex.

She looked horrible and Severus felt a prang of guilt for letting her get this bad. This was not the first time she had failed to care for herself, but it had never been as bad as this. He knew it had to do with the Dark Lord. Whatever He was doing to her in that room was torturing her, Alex became sicker and sicker after each private conference with the Dark Lord, but Severus chose to turn a blind eye to it because he knew that there was nothing he could do to help her. Although, the Dark Lord was pleased with Alex's work for him, Severus was convinced that the Dark Lord wanted to further punish Alex for her previous disobedience, to break her, to make her and her power truly His.

Severus lifted Alex's head from the steps and supported it in his arm. Then he pulled out his wand and pointed it in Alex's face.

"Renovate," Severus said. A small flash came from the tip of his wand and Alex's eyes flickered open.

"Severus," she said weakly.

"Be silent," Severus told her.

Alex closed her eyes again in response.

Severus reached under her and lifted her off the steps. She was frighteningly easy to carry.

Alex put her arms around Severus's neck and buried her face into his chest.

"Draco," Professor Snape said in a commanding whisper. "Go down to the kitchen and get her something to eat. Bring it to the headmaster's office.

Then Professor Snape held Alex closer to him and began climbing up the stairs to his office.

"Dumbledore," Severus hissed at the stone gargoyle guarding the entrance to his office. The statue stepped aside and a staircase began to rise from the floor and Severus stepped on it. "Stay open for Draco Malfoy," Severus called back to the gargoyle.

The stairs reached a door. Severus crossed the threshold, careful not to hit the girl against the doorframe.

The circular office was almost exactly the same as it had been when Professor Dumbledore had inhabited it; the only thing missing was the beautiful phoenix.

Severus pointed his wand at the desk and all the things on top of it gracefully danced to the floor.

Severus placed the girl on his desk.

"Alex," he whispered as he brushed her hair away from her face.

She began to cough violently and was forced into a sitting position by dry heaves as if she was going to be ill, but couldn't do to an empty stomach.

Severus helped her lay back onto the desk once her coughs subsided. Alex wrapped her arms around her torso and let out a gasp of pain.

Severus would have preferred to take Alex to the hospital wing but that was not an option. He knew enough about healing to help. Severus knew that the pain that Alex must have been feeling in her stomach was the cause of starvation, but the fact that she was getting ill, he felt that he must examine her.

He felt incredibly awkward and her eyes followed his hand as he carefully lifted her t-shirt up to her chest but she did not say anything.

As soon as Severus looked at her stomach he knew there was something wrong. Alex's abdominal was strangely blotted for her small form. Severus scowled; he highly suspected what the problem was, but he wasn't yet sure.

Severus gently ran his wand over her bare stomach and skin turned transparent where the wand fell. Severus then was assured that his suspicions were correct and at that very moment Draco entered the room carrying a plate of food. He looked at Alex on the desk and then at Severus. Draco backed up as he caught sight of the look on Severus's face.

"What's wrong?" Alex asked softly, looking from Severus to Draco.

Severus ignored her question and moved towards Draco, ripping the plate out of his hand. "Go," he hissed in a tone so menacing; Draco couldn't have obeyed faster.

* * *

Severus's eyes were glued on the door in which Draco just exited, but then he slowly turned towards me, with a look of hatred so severe I was sure I was burning alive in his gaze.

I tried to sit up.

"Lay down," Severus shouted at me.

I did.

Severus came over to me and yanked my shirt down for me and then turned the other way. I could see his hands clench into fist.

"Severus?" I asked hesitantly.

He turned towards me again, but this time his face was stretched into a false, mocking smirk.

"How incredibly rude of me," he leered, "for not congratulating Draco on his way out."

"What do you mean?" I asked with wide eyes.

"But you are here now, so I can have the pleasure congratulating you," said Severus with ironic sweetness.

"On what?" I asked nervously trying to sit up again.

"Don't get up!" he hissed at me, suddenly angry, his eyes burning like hot coals.

I sat up anyway, but my arms shook as they held up my weight.

He looked away from me and seconds later I fell back into the desk. Severus made a noise of frustration and came back to the desk peering down at me with great disgust.

"Pitiful," he said under his breath as he picked me up and placed me in the chair behind his desk. "Eat." He ordered me, putting the plate of food Draco had brought in front of me.

I looked at him with confusion.

"Go on," Severus said harshly.

I started picking at my plate with my fingers. Severus watched me until I had taken the first bit and then he began to pace the floor.

I finished eating and pushed the plate away. At the scraping sound of plate on wood, Severus turned to look at me.

"Better?" he asked me with raised eyebrows. He seemed to calm his temper in the time it had taken me to eat.

I nodded.

"Severus?" I murmured. "What's wrong?"

Anger seemed to be flooding back into him at my question. His eyes flashed red. "You're pregnant," he spat.

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	41. Chapter 40

Chapter 40

The potion

(Same day)

"Pregnant?" my lips formed the words, yet I did not understand them. "I'm Pregnant?" I asked softly. Then lightning hit me! "Oh God!" I cried clasping my hands over my mouth. "No, no, no, no, no!"

"It's your own fault," said Severus mercilessly.

I wrapped my arms around my waist and started pulling at the fabric of my t-shirt as if trying to remove the growth inside me. I let out a shriek of agony.

"Be quiet!" Severus said cruelly.

I let out another cry of pain, continuing to pluck at my shirt.

Severus advanced on me, leaning across the desk, putting his face very close to mine. He scowled at my sobbing form. "How dare you cry?" he hissed, his hot breath running down my neck. His eyes burned with fierce loathing "You took the risk. You are responsible for this! How dare you risk bringing a child into this life?" He looked as if he wanted to slap me across the face.

I began to cry harder; my hands pulled harder at my shirt, finding skin and making angry scratches on my stomach with my fingernails.

"You did this!" said Severus more furious than I had ever seen him. "This is your fault and this is Draco's fault."

"No!" I screamed, shaking my head violently.

"No?" asked Severus, chewing on the word before spitting it out with disgust.

"No," I cried again. "No!"

"What then?" Severus asked unpityingly. "Speak!"

"The baby," I cried at the word baby, "it's not Draco's."

Severus pulled back slightly and opened his mouth with revulsion as if he was about to call me a slut, but suddenly I could see realization flash behind his eyes and his anger immediately subsided; he looked at me with an expression I had never seen from him before, fear.

"I wish it was Draco's," I told him through a sob. "I wish it was anyone else's. Anyone would be better!" My fingernails continued to scrap at my skin. I could feel hot blood dripping from my stomach.

Severus came around the desk and kneeled beside the chair I was sitting in. He grabbed my wrists to keep me from scratching myself.

"Severus," I whispered fearfully. "I need to get this thing out of me." Then I began to cry so violently that my whole body shook.

Severus let go of my wrists and stood. He went over to one of the many bookcases and pulled a few dusty old tomes off the shelf. He flipped through them each in turn and when he realized they would not be of use to him he tossed them aside. After repeating this about five times he finally found what he was looking for. Severus swept his arm across the desk, knocking my empty plate down where it hit the ground with a clatter. Then he placed the book on the clear desk.

I glanced at the open page and fresh tears poured from my eyes.

Severus pulled out his wand and wordlessly began summoning items to him.

A black cauldron came flying out of the cabinet near the window and various jars began to land on the desk.

Severus lit a small fire under the cauldron and quickly began preparing a potion.

_It would all be over soon,_ I thought as I watched him work in silence.

After about 30 minutes the potion was completed. Severus poured a thin black potion into a small glass and handed it to me.

The cup was hot in my hand; the potion looked like steaming black ink and it smelled putrid.

Severus frowned at the cup in my fist. "Drink it," Severus said in an empty tone. "Drink it and this will all be a thing of the past, I promise."

"A thing of the past," I repeated as I raised the glass to my lips. I filled my mouth with the potion; it burned me tongue, yet I did not swallow. Severus looked the other way. I closed my eyes and was about to take a gulp, but suddenly I realized something.

This was my baby too.

I spit the potion back into the glass.

Severus turned to stare at me expressionlessly, but did not utter a word.

I then produced a new cup by magic and filled it with water and rinsed my mouth out until every trace of that horrible potion was gone.

"I can't do it," I said my voice shaking. "I can't," I cried. "I can't hurt my baby! It can't help who its father is."

Severus looked at the ground. "It would be in your best interest for you to drink the potion," he said, his voice still emotionless.

"I know," I said in a barely audible whisper.

"Bad things could happen to you and the child if the truth of its parentage is known."

"Harm would come to it if I drank this potion," I said firmly.

"And what about yourself?" Severus asked.

"I am not so concerned about that." I answered distantly.

Severus didn't say a word but retracted deeper into thought.

"But," I said doubting myself. "What if it would be kinder to just end it now." Severus looked up at me. "What if someone finds out that the baby is His- but how could He not suspect! He will know!" I panicked. "How can I protect this baby from its father?

"It could not be Draco's?" Severus asked slowly.

It had been about 9 months since Draco and I had been together and if I was 9 months pregnant I am sure I would have noticed.

I shook my head.

"You could not tell Draco it was his?" Severus asked coolly as he cleared away the potion quickly as if he was also relieved that I did not drink it.

"No," I said, "That would be impossible." Then I thought of something. "Severus?"

"What?" he said with frustration as he sent the cauldron back to its cupboard.

"How long have I been- you know?" I asked.

"Pregnant," he finished for me in a bitter spat. "Approximately 2 months, maybe 3."

"That's not a very long time," I whispered my tone full of meaning.

We looked at each other and he knew exactly what I was thinking. It was low and horrible, but if it worked I could convince Draco that the baby was his. He wouldn't have to take care of it or be there for it, he would just have to believe that it was his and if he believed that to be true the Dark Lord could never accuse him of lying.

"That is not a flawless plan," Severus said quietly.

"I know," I said, suddenly with a surprising amount of determination in my voice.

"You could live to regret it," Severus said ignoring my gaze.

"I know," I said again, touching my stomach. I felt a rush of emotion, at first I could not identify it, but soon I realized it was hope. I felt hope! It was the baby; it was giving me a future, something to protect, something to love, hope! But mixed in with the rush of happy feelings I was so sick with worry and fear and hatred as well.

"Severus," I said as I stood shakily.

"Sit down," he commanded me.

I ignored him and walked over to where he stood. I stumbled a little, but he caught me before I tripped.

"I can make you a potion to help you regain your strength," he told me.

"Thank you," I said looking up at him and then I fell into his chest and sobbed with my arms wrapped around his waist.

Severus did not hug me back, but stood there with limp arms, I didn't care as long as he did not push me away.

He suddenly picked me up and placed me in the chair again, where I continued to cry.

He took out his cauldron again and began brewing me another potion, but this time of a different sort.

I watched Severus without really taking notice of him at all and my tears began to dry as I devised my plan to seduce Draco Malfoy.

**Dear Readers,**

**Yesterday I noticed that in my last chapter I got the year wrong at the top...so if anyone was wondering it is 1998 not 1997. Thank You so much for reading this far. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please Review.**

**-Thora Jane.  
**


	42. Chapter 41

Chapter 41

The Failed Attempt

(May 1, 1997)

Draco leaned back in his chair in transfiguration class not paying the slightest bit of attention to what Professor McGonagall was drowning on about. When the bell finally rang, he was not at all feeling motivated to get up and go to potions, but nevertheless started throwing his parchment and quills into his bag. He was just about to stand when Alex Snape approached him.

She was looking worlds better since last Saturday. Her face looked less sickly and she had finally washed her hair. She came up to his desk and gently tossed a folded piece of parchment in front of him and then sent him a forced smile that looked more like a grimace and walked away awkwardly, brushing her fingers against his arm as she went.

Draco looked after her, but she didn't turn back. Draco then grabbed the note off the desk and began leaving the class. Halfway between transfiguration and potions he unfolded the note. Inside a few lines were scribbled down. They read:

Meet me on the fourth floor at midnight.

Trust me; it will be worth your while.

-Alex

* * *

"He's not coming," I said angrily to myself as I paced back and forth at the top of the fourth floor corridor. I looked down at my watch it was 12:15 _How dare he?_ I thought.

I wanted to break something or better yet, hex Draco! Sparks came shooting out of the end of my wand in my right hand.

"Okay," I said talking to myself, trying to keep my calm. "Maybe he just got held up or something." More sparks flew from my wand as I squeezed the handle tight with frustration. "I just want to get this over with!" I said loudly.

I clutched at my stomach. "I'm trying, I'm trying," I said to the baby as though it was angry with me too.

Suddenly I heard footsteps coming up the stairs. It sounded like there was more than one person. I hurried to take refuge around the corner, out of sight of the newcomers. I was not in the mood to be caught out of bed right now. I heard the footsteps pass and peered out from behind the corner to see who was prowling the halls at this time, but as I looked I did not see anyone as if the people who passed were invisible. The footsteps continued up the next flight of stairs, but still there was no one in sight. I was about to investigate when a warm hand grabbed my shoulder. I let a sharp breath of surprise and turned around.

It was Draco. He looked at me with stern eyes, not exactly sure what I wanted from him.

I wanted to point out that he was late, but no one wants to do it with someone who nags them about such a trivial thing as time.

"What were you staring at?" he asked me.

"Nothing," I said in a false bright tone, putting the mysterious footsteps out of my mind; this was far more important.

We looked at each other for a long moment. The more I stared at him the more I hated myself for what I was planning to do. I couldn't possibly stare at him any longer so I leaned in and kissed him with my eyes tightly shut, trying to keep myself detached.

When we finally broke away I took his hand. "Come on," I said gently. "There is an empty classroom up here."

He allowed me to pull him along. I didn't look back at him but just moved quickly down the hall. It would all be over soon.

"Alohomora," I whispered as I pointed my wand at the door. I creaked open.

Draco and I entered the room together. This classroom hadn't been used for a very long time. There was dust on the stacked chairs and the desks were askew, but it would work just fine. I shut the door by magic as soon as we were both in and immediately began stripping down.

Draco just looked at me with confusion. "What are you doing?" he asked.

I suddenly felt very annoyed. "What does it look like I'm doing?" I asked, pulling off my sweater.

Draco just continued to stare at me.

"Take off your clothes," I finally said desperately trying to keep the frustration out of my voice.

I was down to my underwear. I did my best not to stand in profile because that would just bring attention to the slight bulge of my stomach.

"You look like you are feeling better," Draco spoke up at last as he fiddled with the top button of his shirt.

I sighed impatiently and walked over to him. "Yes," I said softly as I began taking off his clothes for him "Severus made me a potion and I feel much better now."

"What was his problem the other day?" Draco asked curiously as I kissed his now bare chest.

"When is Severus not in a bad mood," I pointed out vaguely.

"Right," said Draco suspiciously, "but he was really angry."

"Let's not talk about him," I said a bit forcefully as I undid his pants.

"What brought this on?" Draco asked as he stepped out of his pants.

"Get on that desk." I ordered, pointing to where I wanted him.

He obeyed me at once, but conveyed me with some mistrust.

"I couldn't convince you for months," Draco pointed out as I climbed on the desk. "Why now?"

I looked at him through empty eyes. "Why does it matter?" I asked, leaning over him and kissing down his chest. "The only thing that matters is that we are here now."

"But," Draco began. I slipped my hand into his underwear. He didn't finish his sentence.

"Don't talk," I said to him in a whisper and he obeyed me with a kiss. He began to run his hand over me and I could feel myself losing control over the situation. He unhooked my bra and threw it across the room. Then he rolled on top off me, giving him all the power. He kissed me around my collarbone.

I felt so horrible. I was stupid to think that I could do this without feeling emotionally inclined.

Draco ran his fingers down my waist and I caught them and pulled his hands up away from that danger zone.

The way he was kissing me I knew what this meant to him. From the very beginning of this mess Draco and I looked to each other for safety and truth and here I was giving him only cruelty and lies!

Tears began to spill from my eyes. Draco stopped his caressing and looked at me.

"What?" he asked.

"Nothing," I said my voice shaking. Just a little bit longer and it would be all over. "Please," I begged. "Don't stop."

He obliged me, but had a look of concern on his face as he removed his last bit of clothing and then mine. More silent tears fell from my eyes as my plan was just about to become a success, but then suddenly we both froze.

"Dammit," Draco blurted as he raised himself off me, clutching his left arm to him.

"Shit," I said through an angry sob.

"It's Potter," said Draco, summoning his clothes to him. "The mark wouldn't burn for anything else." He looked at me nervously. We both knew that if Harry Potter was at Hogwarts it would be a full blown attack on the school. It could all end tonight.

I began retrieving my clothes the muggle way, trying to keep my face hidden from Draco.

"Hurry up" Draco told me. He was already dressed and I was still trying to find my bra.

I turned to him holding my arms around my chest "Go on ahead," I cried. "Find the Carrows."

"Alex?" he asked, not seeming pleased with my response.

"The- The Dark Lord is probably not even near yet," I stammered. "One of the Carrows must have sent the alarm."

"What if it was Snape?" Draco asked.

I looked at Draco with confusion. In the daze of the moment it seemed ridiculous that Severus would ever call Lord Voldemort to Hogwarts, but then I remembered that Draco did not know that.

"Right," I recovered, my body shaking with repressed sobs. "Yes, maybe it was Severus. I will go to him and you go find the Carrows."

"Alright," he agreed as he walked over to the door.

"Draco," I called after him.

He turned. "Yes."

"Be careful," I muttered.

"Yeah," he said quickly, "you too." Then he left and closed the door behind him.

As soon as the door shut I sunk onto the floor, clutching my stomach. "I'm so sorry" I sobbed. "I'm sorry, Baby."

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	43. Chapter 42

Chapter 42

To Go and Come Back

(Same day)

My cheek was pressed against the cold classroom floor. My dark mark burned darker and more painful, yet I could not bring myself to get up. My hands still groped at my stomach. I had failed. So I just laid there. Goosebumps erupted on my bare skin, making me shiver, but I did not move.

If Harry Potter was in fact in the castle tonight, it was all going to end. The Dark Lord will defeat him; he was winning; he had won! Perhaps I can try again with Draco. But even if I could convince Draco he was the child's father my baby would still grow up in this world of darkness. How could I have thought I could fix this? How could I possibly protect this child?

_He will know! He always knows! _I thought with terror._ What if he murders the baby? Or worse what if the baby is like him._ _OH!_ _He will see himself in the child I am sure!_ I let out a scream through clenched teeth. "Do I have a demon inside me?" I whispered.

I do not know how long I lay on that classroom floor, five minutes? An hour? A week? I was only roused from my trance of misery when an icy voice waved over me, making my blood curtail.

_"I know you are preparing to fight,"_ called the voice of Lord Voldemort. I sat up and looked around the room wildly as if to see him standing over me, but the only person in this room was me. Voldemort's voice seemed to be issuing for the walls themselves_. "Your efforts are futile. You cannot fight me. I do not want to kill you. I have great respect for the teachers of Hogwarts. I do not want to spill magical blood. Give me Harry Potter and none shall be harmed. Give me Harry Potter, and I shall leave the school untouched. Give me Harry Potter, and you will be rewarded."_ It was silent once more. I stood and began throwing on my clothes. I needed to go to Severus.

I wanted to run through the halls crying out for him. I need him to tell me what to do, to say it would be alright. I needed to assure myself that he was safe. I thought about Diagon Ally and Severus bleeding on the ground inches from death. How many people would be fighting against him tonight and for all the wrong reasons? Would Severus wear his mask to the death under Dumbledore's orders? Would he allow himself to be killed by be a fellow believer in good? But then again, was he protected under the title of deatheater? Perhaps he was safer with Lord Voldemort, perhaps we all were.

I ran up the stairs, passing frantic teachers and students as I went; they had no concern for me and I had no concern for them. I was trapped in my own world, a world in which they did not live in.

When I reached the statue guarding the headmaster's office I uttered the password bent over in a wheezy out of breathe tone.

The statue slipped aside and let me pass as the rising staircase carried me to Severus's office.

"Severus?" I called as I opened the door, but the circular office was empty.

He had left to join Voldemort or maybe he was elsewhere in the castle. Draco and I had orders within Hogwarts so I was sure that we were to stay put. I sat in the chair behind the headmaster's desk.

I scanned the walls of the office; all of the frames that usually held portraits of past headmasters and mistresses of Hogwarts seemed to be empty, only dark backgrounds or vacant armchairs remained. All the usual inhabitance must be off patrolling the castle, moving along the frames to see what the disturbance was.

I let out a frustrated sigh. I didn't like those portraits much; they were always invading my privacy and they knew all my secrets, but the one time I wanted them around they were gone.

"Does anyone know where Professor Snape went?" I asked the room at large, hoping something would just come alive and start talking to me. I looked around anxiously for Dumbledore's frame, but it remained empty.

"And why exactly do you so want to know?" asked a bored voice.

I looked around to see a portrait of a wizard walking back into his frame. He was dressed in Slytherin colors, with a pointed beard and wearing a look of permanent disinterest.

"I just needed to speak with him," I said a little defensively, "Professor," I added quickly.

He let out a very fake yawn. "Well, My little popinjay," said the portrait in a drawl, "the headmaster has far more important business to attend to that does not involve yourself I am sure."

I looked up at him tearfully; trying to think of a good retort but instead completely broke down and buried my face in my arms on the desk.

I did not look up at his portrait for a long time, maybe hours, maybe minutes; time was moving like a rollercoaster tonight, but when I finally looked up to dry my eyes he was gone from his frame.

But then suddenly the window opposite me swung open and a dark, hooded figure hovered just outside.

I screamed and stood up, my wand raised.

"Oh put that away," said Severus's annoyed voice as the figure climbed through the window. Once inside, Severus pulled off his hood and the window shut of its own accord.

"Why are you coming through the window?" I asked as I store my wand back in my pocket.

His eyes darkened. "I have relinquished my position as headmaster," he said bitterly.

"Did," I started with confusion, "did the other teacher's chase you out? What about the Carrows are they gone?" My tone was hopeful.

"That is not of importance." he said sinisterly. "I have only come back briefly. Soon I must join the Dark Lord." I moved towards him so that we were face to face.

"Where is he?" I asked fearfully.

"The Shrieking Shack," Severus answered simply.

That was far too close for my liking. "Severus, is he truly going to attack the school?"

"If Potter does not come to him soon, yes, he will send his deatheaters in."

"You want Harry Potter to go to the Dark Lord?" I asked skeptically, looking into his eyes.

Severus did not answer, but broke my gaze.

"Are you going to fight?" I asked deciding to move on.

"I planned to," said Severus surprisingly regretfully.

"Planned?" I asked.

"The Dark Lord wants me to join him," he said. "If I just had more time I could find Potter…" he trailed off.

I felt horrified that Severus would even think of giving Harry to Voldemort.

"Severus," I exclaimed. "Why would you even dream of handing Harry Potter to Him?" I unknowingly clutched my stomach as if to protect. "It is true that the Dark Lord said he would spare the castle and its inhabitance if we gave him Harry, but that is not going to change anything, Severus." I started to cry. "He'll still kill!"

A shadow fell across Severus's face. He suddenly seemed to forget where he was; he seemed to be lost in his own memories.

"I do not want Potter dead," he said finally, his tone was not angry but somehow defeated.

"Severus," I cried reaching out to him. He grabbed my wrist before I was able to touch his hand consolingly. He closed his eyes tightly; he looked as if he were in physical pain. "Severus?" I asked tearfully.

"Harry needs to know something," Severus whispered more to himself than to me.

I wanted to know exactly what Harry needed to know, but I decided not to ask on grounds of knowing that the possibility of being answered was very slim.

"Something you must tell him?" I asked instead.

With his eyes still shut and his hand still tightly around my wrist, Severus nodded.

"For Dumbledore?" I asked a note of excitement in my voice.

"Yes," Severus breathed, his expression still pained.

A quick prang of hope shot through me. "Then let me help you," I whispered quickly. "Let me help you find Harry Potter."

Then abruptly Severus opened his eyes. "No you stay here," he ordered, tightening his grasp on me ever still as if I were going to try to run away from him.

"Why?" I asked scandalized. "I want to help! I want to fight!

"And what side would you plan on fighting for?" Severus asked with calm logic.

"I don't know," I yelled, suddenly angry. "I don't care anymore!" I ripped my arm away from him and began pacing. All the feelings I had towards my failure with Draco, this baby, my life all started to boil inside me. "I just want to blow something up!"

"You are ranting like a lunatic," Severus said as he ceased hold of both my wrists to keep me from pacing and face him.

"Maybe I am a lunatic!" I said stubbornly. "Maybe I have finally lost my marbles, gone mad!"

"I need to leave," Severus said precipitously. "Promise me that you will not leave this room." As he spoke he shook me slightly.

"I will leave!" I shouted.

"You will get yourself killed," he said in a sharp hiss.

"I don't care about that," I dismissed.

"Then what about the baby," Severus pointed out looking deeply into my eyes.

I let out a painful sob. "Severus!" I cried falling to my knees, dangling by my wrists that were still in Severus's grasp. "It is going to be like Him, Severus! I know it will be! But then again if by some small chance it is not, what kind of life will it have?"

"You could not even drink that potion," Severus almost pleaded, letting my arms fall from his grasp and letting them crumple to the floor with the rest of my wretched body.

"I couldn't live with myself knowing that I had killed my baby," I whimpered, "but if I die in battle…I won't have to."

Severus looked at me with alarm and he breathed deeply through his nostrils.

"Stand up," He hissed menacingly. I looked at him through the blur of my horrid tears, but did not move. "Stand up," he said again, but more forcefully this time. I would have rather he kicked me than make me move from the ground in which I belonged. "UP!" he shouted and by force of magic I was on my feet. I wobbled and he caught me by my shoulders. "Don't ever let me hear something like that cross your lips again!" he whispered with breathless fury.

"No one would care!" I cried. "No one would notice! I would just be gone." I looked up at him wildly. "And maybe I could see my mama and daddy and baby sister again! And I would take the baby with me and we would be safe!"

He returned my look of wild emotion, something I never would have expected to see on his face but as soon as it came it was gone and replaced with a look of pure disgust.

"You are damn well going to live!" he said angrily. "You are going to live for your parents and your sister. You are going to live for those who loved you and love you now!"

"But who would love me now," I cried.

"I would," Severus whispered, his face softening slightly, but still stern and angry.

"What?" I asked breathlessly.

"I love you," He looked as shocked as I was to hear those words spoken by his own lips. "I would care and I would notice; so you better damn well live!"

I looked at him with confusion, waiting for his words to settle in. When they did I began to cry harder and fell into him and held him tightly. He held me back.

"Live for your baby too," he told me. "You will teach it right from wrong."

"Okay," I cried into his chest.

"It may all end tonight," said Severus in a whisper. "It could all be over."

"If it ends, Severus," I began, "can we leave the country?"

"Yes," he hissed in my ear.

"And live in a house by an ocean or a lake or a puddle for all I care?" I sobbed.

"Yes," he muttered.

"Just you, me and the baby?" I asked.

"Yes," he said before pulling away. "I must go."

"Can't I go with you?" I said.

He shook his head once. "You wait here. I will go and come back."

"You will go and come back," I repeated.

He walked over to the window and opened it by hand. He was about to jump when I stopped him.

"Severus, wait," I said hurriedly.

He turned around, "What," he said impatiently.

"Nothing," I said, "just that I love you too."

The corners of his mouth twitched into the tiniest of smiles. He looked at me for a long moment before jumping out the window.

I ran to look outside and saw him take to the sky in full flight to go and come back.

**Dear Readers,**

**Thank you for following my story this far. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please review and tell me what you think.**

**-Thora Jane**


	44. Chapter 43

Chapter 43

Petals

(Same day)

I waited just as I was told and I waited some more and some more. I began strolling around the office, trying to block out the sounds spilling over from the grounds. Clashes, yells and crying echoed through the night sky. The flashing lights of spells gleamed in the window but I did not dare approach it and look out upon the scenes of a war. I felt burning guilt as I hid in the headmaster's office, turning a blind eye to those who were suffering, those who were dying.

Severus told me to wait and I had waited a very long time! But he said that he would come back and I was surviving on that notion. He was going to come back. He was not even going out into the fray; he told me that he was _just_ going to meet the Dark Lord in the Shrieking Shack. Just? It was never an easy or simple task being in Lord Voldemort's presence but Severus was one of his most trusted deatheaters so surely he was safe. Yet, something did not feel right. Why would Voldemort keep one of his most skilled deatheaters out of battle for so long? Unless Severus was now fighting. But, no, he had told me that he was going to go speak with the Dark Lord and then return.

He wouldn't have lied. Or would he? He told me that he would go and come back and I trusted him. I do trust him. He told me he would come back. He told me he would come back and that he loved me.

He loved me. He would come back because he loved me. But what if he couldn't come back? What if he was in some danger? Or what if something worse had happened?

_"You have fought valiantly,"_ said the high pitched voice of Voldemort over the grounds_. "Lord Voldemort knows how to value bravery. Yet you have sustained heavy losses. If you continue to resist me, you will all die, one by one. I do not wish this to happen. Every drop of magical blood spilled is a loss and a waste. Lord Voldemort is merciful. I command my forces to retreat immediately. You have one hour. Dispose of your dead with dignity. Treat your injured." He paused and a thick hush fell across the school. "I speak now, Harry Potter, directly to you. You have permitted your friends to die for you rather than face me yourself. I shall wait for one hour in the Forbidden Forest. If, at the end of that hour, you have not come to me, have not given yourself up, then battle recommences. This time, I shall punish every last man, woman, and child who tried to conceal you from me. One hour."_

I shivered as the last icy words waved over me, but this was it. It was now time for me to find Severus.

I sprinted down the stairs from the headmaster's office. The castle seemed to be empty. I ran throw the halls, noticing scorched walls and battered suits of armor as I went. My footsteps pounded against the marble floors. Then suddenly another set of footsteps accompanied mine. I turned the corner quickly and peered out from behind it. I saw Harry Potter walking almost trance like in the direction in which I have just come. His eyes were wide and cast straight ahead as if he had just had a terrible shock. He was holding something very tightly in his fist. It may have been a vile but I was not sure. I thought of stopping Harry and telling him that Severus was looking for him but then realized that even if I knew where Severus was Harry probably would not want to confront a man whom he thought was trying to kill him, so I decided to leave it.

I waited for Harry to pass and then continued to run until I was in the entrance hall. Once on the main floor I knew why the castle was so quiet; everyone seemed to be gathered in the great hall, mourning their loved ones or treating their injuries just as Voldemort had instructed them to do.

I exited the castle from the front doors and gazed horrorstruck at the grounds littered with bodies not yet recovered. I closed my eyes tight and wondered forest or shack. I decided to check for Severus in the Shrieking Shack first and then travel to the Forbidden Forest if I could not find him in there.

I decided to try apparating to save time. I suspected that the deatheaters broke throw the normal enchantments to prevent the ability to apparate and disapparate on school grounds.

With my eyes still tightly shut I spun on the spot and was lifted into a small, twisting world as I disapparated but then, only seconds later, my feet were planted firmly on the ground with a pop. My nostrils were filled with the musty smell of aged dust and neglect.

I pulled out my wand and lit it, shining the light around the dark room waiting for an enemy to jump out at me and attack.

"Severus," I whispered.

No response.

"Severus," I whispered again.

Only silent followed. There seemed to be no signs of life in this house.

I walk down a narrow hallway. The light of my wand cast eerie shadows along the windowless corridor. There was a single door at the end of the hall. It waited for me ominously at the end of that hall, which seemed to stretch. As I moved towards the door it seemed to be moving further away from me. With a trembling hand I reached for the doorknob, although it ran away from me. I reached and reached until finally my fingers made contact with the cold metal of the doorknob. I pushed it open with a creak.

The room was very dark. "Severus," I called into the thick shadows. Something didn't feel right. I pointed my lit wand at the ground by my feet; my white sneakers glowed in the dim light. From the doorway I continued to point my wand at the ground. My wand light inched across the floor like a cockroach. And then it hit Red. Red, only a few feet from me. My body stiffened and my heart rate slowed. I continued to dip my wand light deeper and further into the Red. The pace of the light moved with the time of my heartbeat, very, very slowly. Thump, more Red. Thump, Red Apples. Thump, Red Christmas Light. Thump, Red Paint. Thump, Red Roses. Thump. Thump. THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, Something White. I drew a breath but forgot to exhale. I stepped into the room and slammed the door behind me. "Knox," I whispered and my wand light went out.

Severus's pale fingers plucked at a single red rose. He pried off the petals one by one and let them fall around him. The rose never seemed to have as shortage of silky petals for Severus to rip away. I was not aware of where we were. I asked Severus but he did not answer me, just looked down at his feet watching as the petals he dropped floated to the ground. He then knelt and sat cross legged on the floor in the pile of RED…petals he had made. I too lowered myself into the RED beside him. Severus continued to drop the petals around him. I scooted close to Severus where I was nested in RED…where I was nested in even more RE- petals. Warm, Warm petals. I put my head on Severus's shoulder. "Why are you doing that?" I asked him, staring down at his pale hand in the RED…staring down at his hand plucking the petals off the rose. Severus wouldn't answer me nor would he respond to my head on his shoulder. I wanted to grab his hands to stop him from pulling off the petals, but I couldn't; I was too afraid. He began to pull at the petals faster. "I told you I would come back," Severus suddenly said, his tone empty of emotion. "I knew you would come back," I told him. Severus did not reply but laid down in the RED, in the WARM RED, in the RE- in the petals. I cuddled up to him, being buried in petals, more and more petals as he ripped at them faster and faster. I wrapped one arm around him and rested my head on his chest, trying to hear his heartbeat. RED, RED, RED. "Well, you did come back!" I said with frustration that he was not saying anything. I sat back up and looked down at him. "YOU DID COME BACK!" I shouted. Now at light speed Severus pulled the petals from the rose. "You did," I said softly. Severus slowly turned his face towards me. He stared up at me with wide, dark eyes and then he closed them. I looked down at his hands and suddenly there were only two petals left on the rose. Severus slowly pulled off one of the two and it danced down beside him. I lay down in the red, red petals and curled up beside him once again. "I love you, Severus," I whispered into his ear and the last red, red petal fell of its own accord.

I picked up one of Severus's unmoving, white hands from the red and put it to my lips; then I carefully intertwined my fingers with his.

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	45. Chapter 44

Chapter 44

The Bravest Man I ever Knew

(Same day)

Harry just wanted quiet. He began to walk with Ron and Hermione back to Gryffindor tower and when they were halfway up the marble staircase something very important occurred to Harry. He stopped and turned to the others. "Snape," He said softly. The other two went white at the thought of their once teacher and how he had dead. "We need to tell someone where his body is," Harry spoke looking from Ron to Hermione who both nodded in agreement.

Severus Snape was Harry's unspoken hero and ally all along. Harry knew he wouldn't be standing here if it wasn't for Snape. Snape gave his life to protect Harry for Lily, the woman he never stopped loving, Harry's mother.

"You know," said Harry to Ron and Hermione, "You two go to bed. I will go."

"Are you sure, Mate?" said Ron through a yawn.

"We can come with you," offered Hermione.

"No, really get some sleep," Harry told them. "I want to take care of it." He looked at his friends with determined eyes and they knew to let him go without them.

Harry watched as Ron and Hermione ascended the steps hand and hand. He smiled slightly. The war was won.

Harry then turned and headed towards the Great Hall. He wanted to help bring Professor Snape's body back from the Shrieking Shake. It was the very least he could do. As he walked Harry contemplated how his feelings towards Snape had changed so drastically in the last few hours. It was a strange thing to hate someone so much one minute and then the next feel eternal gratitude and affection for them. Harry made a vow to himself that he would make sure the Wizarding World knew what Severus Snape had done for him.

Once at the doors of the Great Hall Harry threw his invisibility cloak over himself to avoid any undesired attention. He looked around the Hall for a helpful face. Not much had changed since the last time he had left it about a half hour ago. Families and friends still huddled together in either smiles or tears. The Weasley still sat around Fred and Ginny still rest her head on her mother's shoulder, silent tears still pouring from her eyes. Harry wanted to go to her but refrained and continued glancing around the hall. He looked pass the Malfoys and saw Kingsley Shaklebolt sitting with a handful of aurors.

Harry moved carefully along the table until he reached Kingsley. Still invisible, Harry leaned forward and whispered in Kingsley's ear. Kingsley did not even jump but politely excused himself from the table.

Harry pulled off the cloak in the privacy of the Entrance Hall.

"What is it, Harry?" Kingsley asked in his deep voice.

"I was hoping you could help me get Snape back here," said Harry.

Kingsley nodded solemnly. Harry was grateful to Kingsley for not asking further questions. Harry had confronted Voldemort with the facts of Snape's innocence and he was sure Kingsley (along with the rest of the audience) heard what he had said, but Harry was relieved that Kingsley did not ask trivial questions like 'but how do you know?' or 'Are you sure.' Harry was not quite ready to discuss his venture into Professor Snape's memories.

"Where to," asked Kingsley helpfully.

"The Shrieking Shack," Harry said simply. They both disapparated at once and then reappeared with a pop in the eerie house. Harry inhaled deeply the smells of dust and mold.

"This way," said Harry as he lit his wand. Harry stepped forward slowly and then began leading Kingsley down a narrow hallway, where Snape awaited at the end.

As Harry approached the door at the end of the hall his stomach began to fill with lead. He dreaded having to see the corpse once more. Harry was no stranger to death but that didn't make looking upon it any more pleasant.

Secretly Harry wished to open the door and see his old potions master glowering at him. Harry wished he could tell Snape thank you. Harry also wanted to ask and grant forgiveness. He hoped that Severus Snape could know all he was feeling.

Harry reached for the cold doorknob and quickly pushed the door open. There on the floor were now two bodies, one of Severus Snape and one a girl, Alex Snape.

Her eyes were wide open and stared straight ahead at Harry and Kingsley, yet did not respond to their sudden presence. Alex half lay over the body of Snape. Her head rested on his chest and her hands gripped tightly to his arm and wrist. Alex's skin and hair was covered in Snape's blood and her whole body was trembling.

Both Harry and Kingsley instinctively took a few steps towards her. She looked up at them.

"Alex," Harry said softly, "Alex Snape."

"Yes," she whispered. Her voice was hardly audible. She did not cry; she seemed to be far beyond tears.

Harry knelt at Snape's body and reached out towards Alex, placing his warm hand on her trembling spine. "Let's get you out of here," He suggested gently.

But she ignored him. "Harry," she breathed.

"What is it?" he muttered back.

"He's good Harry, please believe me he was a good man," she said her voice shaking violently.

"I know he was," Harry choked.

"He wanted to tell you something," She said distantly.

"He did," Harry told her sadly. "He told me everything."

* * *

I heard Harry's words as if echoing from the top of a well in which I was trapped at the bottom, but I did not feel numb. I could still feel. I felt sad, I felt angry and abandoned and lonely, but I also felt strong. The pain in my heart was raw but I was fighting it. Severus would not have wanted me to drown in my own self-pity or wallow in depression. No, I was going to be strong like Severus was strong and brave like Severus was brave. For Severus and for my baby I refused to be weak. Though, I wished my mind could tell my body this for my body still shook uncontrollably, so much I was sure I could not walk.

There was someone behind me. I suddenly remembered that Harry had a companion, a very tall, black man with a bald head and earing. He carefully loosened my grasp on Severus.

"I am going to pick you up now," he warned me in a soothing deep voice.

"Okay," I said allowing him to lift me. I wrapped my hands around his neck. I recognized this man. "You are a member of the Order of the Phoenix."

"Yes," he answered. I was not questioning him; I remembered him as being there after I woke to find my family dead.

"Is it over," I asked. My voice rattled as I raised it above a whisper.

"Lord Voldemort is dead," He told me softly.

I felt a jolt of pain through my body as I thought how Severus could not be here to enjoy his newly found freedom, but perhaps he had been freed hours ago. But we couldn't be free together.

"Good," I said through a swallow.

In this man's arms I watched as he produced a stretcher out of thin air. Harry lifted Severus's body up off the ground with his wand and it floated limply onto the stretcher with a soft thud. I closed my eyes tight once and then opened them again slowly. The man holding me produced a white sheet and it neatly laid itself over the body of my cousin.

"I have a dark mark," I said bluntly as we began to leave.

Harry and the man holding me exchanged looks.

"Will I be sent to Azkaban?" I asked with disinterest.

No one said anything for a long minute. Then in unison the tall man and Harry muttered, "No."

"I just was wondering," I said indifferently. I thought about adding, because I am pregnant but decided to leave that part out.

"Let's get you back to Hogwarts," said Harry faintly.

Harry grabbed on to the stretcher and disapparated and then the tall man and I disapparated together.

I was in the Great Hall, excepted it looked more like the infirmary now. People lay on table and were being treated by healers. Families huddled around their injured relatives and their dead relatives.

Our appearance attracted a lot of attention in the hall. Mainly the appearance of Harry, but my shivering, blood covered body draped over the arms of the tall man and a loaded stretcher hovering nearby just added to the attraction.

Several people came to assist us directing us in a million different directions. They were all talking at once and pointing. All those strange faces, I hated it. Madam Pomfrey the Hogwarts matron instructed the man carrying me to set me down over were the Hufflepuff table used to be and some unknown man told Harry to "put the body with the rest of 'em."

"No!" I suddenly screamed. "No!" I reached out for Severus's body but could not reach it. Many heads turned at my cry. I wanted to know where Severus's body was at all times. I didn't want anyone to take it away. I was his family.

"Keep them together," Harry demanded. I was surprised to see him give orders to witches and wizards much older than he and have his orders carried out.

The Man holding me placed me down on a bench nearby and Severus's body was placed on the floor next to me. My body still shook slightly but I was in more control. I abandoned my bench and sat on the floor beside Severus's body and placed my hand on his hand under the sheet. Like when my parents and sister died I knew that Severus was not there. I felt no energy or feeling towards the corpse, but by keeping the body with me was the proof that the man that once inhabited it belonged to me.

Madam Pomfrey came over to me. She did not ask me to sit back on the bench but knelt beside me.

"It's not my blood," I told her emotionlessly.

"I know," she said and as I looked down at the white sheet it was now stained red.

She summoned a small basin of water and a cloth and began washing the residue off my face.

Harry knelt on the other side of Severus's body like he did in the Shrieking Shack.

"Do you know how he died?" I asked Harry.

"Yes, I do," Harry said smiling sadly at me.

Madam Pomfrey stood deciding that I was stable enough to talk with Harry alone.

And so he explained everything to me about the elder wand, about the snake and about Severus's memories in the pensive. Harry explained about horcruxes and about the final battle.

I felt tears in my eyes. "What a horrible way to die," I wept.

Harry grasped my free hand that was not holding on to the hand of the corpse between us.

"Thank you for telling me, Harry," I said. "And thanks for everything else." I closed my eyes. "Can I have his memories, Harry?" I asked shyly opening my eyes again. "Or can I at least see them."

"They are yours," he told me.

"Thank you," I whispered to him tearfully. "I really know so little about him."

"If you truly loved him I am sure you know plenty," Harry said.

I smiled slightly. I wanted to tell Harry my memories of Severus since he was giving me the memories Severus left for him.

"Oh course I know he was brave," I said looking down.

"Oh no doubt of it," said Harry. "He was probably the bravest man I ever knew."

I grinned up at him. "Me too," I agreed.

"What else do you know about him," Harry prompted.

My eyebrows knit together. "He hated his father," I said seriously remembering his resentment when I tried to show him the old photos of our fathers. "And he kept masses of different potions in his house." I thought about healing his wounds after he was attacked in Diagon Ally. "He mostly read informative books but he secretly liked Shakespeare." I smirked and Harry did too. "And he was a horrific cook!"

"Really?" said Harry laughing. "I can't imagine him cooking."

I laughed too. "I know right! It was bizarre."

"What did he cook for you?" Harry asked.

"Scrambled eggs and toast," I said. "The toast was burnt and the eggs were not even edible."

Harry smiled. "You know plenty," Harry said.

I smiled too but then it faded. "I know he loved your mother so much, Harry."

He nodded solemnly. "Yeah, I know."

Harry stood and I tried to stand too. "No, sit down and rest," he told me. Even though, it was he who really needed the rest. "I will bring you the memories, Alex, I promise."

"Thank you," I said.

"And you don't have to worry about going to Azkaban, really you don't," he assured me.

"And what about…" I trailed off as our heads both instinctively turned to the Malfoys sitting across the hall. I caught Draco's eyes he had been looking in my direction for who knows how long.

"They won't be punished," said Harry confidently. "Many aurors think that some deatheaters have been punished enough. There will be a trial of course but those who have repented will be pardoned. And you have no reason to worry." I didn't even have to explain myself and Harry Potter trusted me.

With one last friendly smile he walked away.

Madam Pomfrey came up to me.

"Come now dear. I need to take you to the hospital wing." She said kindly.

"What about…" I pointed to the body.

Madam Pomfrey looked sadly downward. "Family members will be informed on the status of their deceased relation."

"Okay," I said hesitantly. "I will go with you." But as I stood, letting go of the hand I was holding and began to walk away from the body I felt an immense feeling of sadness and guilt about leaving Severus's remains behind.

I began to cry. Madam Pomfrey held my arm and led me out of the hall.

"Wait," said a voice behind us. We turned and saw Draco coming towards us. "Where are you taking her?" Draco demanded of Madam Pomfrey when he reached us.

"The Hospital Wing, Mr. Malfoy," she said a little indignantly.

"I want to go with her," said Draco.

Madam Pomfrey's eyes narrowed as she evidently remembered the last time Draco and I were in the hospital wing together.

"Please," I said through tears and she did not refuse me.

I saw Draco's parents walking after Draco, but he quickly gestured that he was going up to the hospital wing and they seemed content that he would be save.

Draco took my other arm and helped Madam Pomfrey support me up the stairs.

Once in the infirmary, Madam Pomfrey sat me in a bed behind a screen and made Draco wait on the other side of it while she helped me change into a nightgown.

Madam Pomfrey carefully helped me remove my bloodstained clothes.

I saw her eyes linger on my left arm. I looked too. All that was left of my dark mark was an ugly patch of raw, purpled skin, a burn that would further heal but a scar that would always be there.

The matron rinsed the remaining bits of Severus's dried blood from my skin and hair. I closed my eyes as I felt her cool cloth move over my body and I listened to the hum of whispers as more people were being brought into the hospital wing.

"Oh," said Madam Pomfrey. I opened my eyes as the matron rested her warm hand on my slightly bulging stomach. "Oh, dear," she exclaimed in shock. Her eyes met mine and I nodded emotionlessly.

"What is it?" asked Draco. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I called to him somewhat hoarsely.

With Madam Pomfrey's concerned eyes still on me I shook my head once and she understood.

She then wordlessly helped me into a nightgown and finally invited Draco by my side but insisted that I get some rest and _did not over exert myself._

As she left us she gave both Draco and I one last fretting stare.

"What was that all about?" Draco asked me roughly.

"She saw my dark mark," I half lied. "Is yours faded also?"

Draco lifted up his sleeve to reveal the same purple-ish splotch as me. "Yeah," he said with a scowl. "Pretty fowl looking," he added awkwardly.

"Yeah," I agreed also awkward.

"How are you feeling," we both said at the same time.

We both kind of laughed but not really.

"You first," said Draco.

"How about an easier question," I said mildly.

"Yeah," he agreed. "I know what you mean." There was a long held out pause. "How much trouble do you think we are in for?" Draco finally asked.

"Not much," I assured him. "Harry Potter told me he thinks that we won't be punished at all and I think that whatever he thinks is a pretty good bet bringing to light what he just did."

Draco scowled at the sound of Harry's name but it was probably just out of habit.

"You sure talked to Potter for a long time," said Draco.

"Jealous?" I joked grimly.

Draco let out a half snort. "Of course not," he said.

There was another long awkward silence between us.

"So," I whispered.

"So," said Draco awkwardly. His grey eye's found my blue ones and suddenly all tension was gone. "So," he said again. "What are you planning to do now?"

"How about an easier question," I said again.

"A smart, pretty witch like you will surely have no trouble," Draco told me with a slight smile.

"I want to take Severus's body to America," I said without much thought, "and bury him next to my parents and sister." Once I said it out loud it seemed like a final act of love and forgiveness.

"I'm sorry about your loss," said Draco a bit uncomfortably.

I blinked and tears rolled down my cheeks. "I'm really going to miss him," I said as I began to sob.

Draco climbed into bed with me and folded me in his arms.

"I'll miss him too," he hissed in my ear. "He was my favorite teacher."

I kissed his shoulder in thanks. He smiled slightly and then I adjusted my head on his chest.

We sat like that for a very long time in silence, trying to comfort each other, but it was no longer the time for comfort or escaping together like we had done on many occasions; it was the time to cope and rebuild our lives.

"How long do you plan to stay in America?" Draco asked me breaking our silence.

"I don't know," I replied.

"Will you try to contact your old friends?" Draco tried again.

"I don't know," I answered again. "They all think I am dead. There is a tombstone and everything" My voice sounded bitter. "I don't know if I should approach them after all this time."

"Then will you stay in Britain or do you not know that either?" Draco asked.

I sensed where this conversation was going. "No," I said. "I will not stay in Britain."

"I figured as much," said Draco, "too many bad memories."

"Good memories too," I corrected. "Hogwarts will always be a good memory." I paused but then spoke my mind in a whisper. "Someday I hope that my children will come to Hogwarts." It was silent for another minute. "But," I continued as if there was never a pause, "I just feel like I want to get away for a while and go somewhere where no one knows me."

"So I suspect that we will not see each other for some time," said Draco softly.

"Yeah," I agreed, "I suppose."

"Well I guess from the very beginning we both knew what we meant to each other," He hissed in my ear.

"Yes," I said delicately, "but that didn't make it any less important."

"No it didn't," said Draco. He breathed in and unraveled himself from me. He got out of bed and looked down at me. "I don't think I could have made it through all this if it wasn't for you," He said seriously.

I smiled up at him. "Same here," I told him earnestly.

"Well I guess," said Draco looking towards the exit, "I will go."

I nodded once. "Be seeing you," I said.

A small smile crossed his lips. "Yeah," he answered, "be seeing you."

He walked away, leaving my bed cold. I squeezed my pillow which smelled like Draco, taking the last drains of comfort from his scent and then I fell asleep, ready to move on. When I awoke, a small vile of swirling blue memories danced within the glass, neither solid, liquid not gas, sat at my bedside. A note accompanied the vile. It read:

The memories of the bravest man we ever knew.


	46. Chapter 45

Chapter 45

The News

Daily Prophet

May 2, 1997

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named: Dead

By: Bertrand J. Ashford

…You-Know-Who is Dead. Harry Potter, the chosen one, The boy who lived ended it once and for all…The war is won.

Daily Prophet

May 5, 1997

The Disposal of You-Know-Who's Body

By: Rita Skeeter

There have been many questions in regards to the body of You-Know-Who, writes Rita Skeeter, Daily Prophet reporter. There has been many suggestions made by the wizarding community of what they think should be done with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's body. Many of these suggestions, however, have been deemed unorthodox and frankly disgusting…With the help of Harry Potter the ministry made the final decision on how to dispose of You-Know-Who's body…The body will be buried in an unpublished cemetery under You-Know-Who's given name, Tom Marvolo Riddle….

The Quibbler: Special Edition.

May 5, 1997

Harry Potter Speaks Out

By: Luna Lovegood

Hello jolly readers of The Quibbler. I am pleased to announce that I, Luna Lovegood, loving daughter of Xenophilius Lovegood (Editor of the Quibbler) will be presenting an exclusive interview with my friend Harry Potter also known as The Boy Who Lived and The Chosen One. We will be hearing from Harry himself exactly what happened the night that he defeated Voldemort…

Daily Prophet

May 6, 1997

Severus Snape Reinstated as Previous Head of Hogwarts

By: Rita Skeeter

There has been much talk about the statues of previous head of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, writes Rita Skeeter, Daily Prophet reporter. Headmaster Severus Snape was a proven deatheater. Snape was first convicted in 1981 after You-Know-Who's first fall from power, but was defended by The late Albus Dumbledore and served no time in Azkaban. As I am sure you are aware, avid readers, it is a widely known fact that Severus Snape did cast the unforgivable curse that ended the live of the old wizard who defended him those many years ago. "No," stated Harry Potter at Saturday's press conference, "Professor Dumbledore was already dying. He was poisoned by [He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's] protective magic. That is why for the months before his death his right hand was dead looking. Dumbledore told Snape to kill him so he could stay on [You-Know-Who's] good side. Look, I trust Dumbledore's judgment and therefore I trust Severus Snape. He was always spy and advocate for our side. He took great personal risks and dedicated his life to protecting good.

"If he hadn't been headmaster matters would have been much worse for the students of Hogwarts. He promised Dumbledore he would do his best to protect the students and he did! So why shouldn't his portrait hang in the headmaster's office?"…..After much consideration it has been decide that though Headmaster Snape failed to complete his duties as the head of Hogwarts his portrait will still be placed in the Office of Headmaster and Mistresses to come.

Daily Prophet

May 7, 1997

Kingsley Shaklebolt Fills the Place of Minister of Magic

By: Rita Skeeter

With the end to a dark era, writes Rita Skeeter, Daily Prophet reporter, Mr. Kingsley Shaklebolt fills the position as temporary minister of magic yesterday May 6th. Shaklebolt takes office tomorrow with outrageous excitement from the public. Perhaps it is just the extreme joy in the air keeping witches and wizards celebrating Shaklebolt's promotion to high office or maybe the rumors about our minister of magic being…Well despite the accusation about Kinsley Shaklebolt at least he is more qualified than his predecessor, Pius Thickness, who is still missing (more information on the disappearance of Pius Thickness see pg. 53)….. "We have all witnessed dark times" (Minister of Magic Kingsley Shaklebolt at yesterday's press conference). "We have lost, fought and survived. Now it is time for the light! Let us rebuild, flourish and live in peace. Let us embrace one another and support each other's differences, pure-bloods and muggles alike. Let us care for each other as members of the human race.

We have been living in the world of night and coldness but now the sun is on the horizon. The war is won. The time has come to prosper."…The wizarding community is hopeful that Shaklebolt will be elect to fill the post of minister of magic permanently.

Daily Prophet

May 7, 1997

Dementors Dismissed as Guards of Azkaban

By: Penny Pendragon

….Minister of Magic, Kingsley Shaklebolt dismisses Dementors from prison guard as his first order of business…..

Daily Prophet

May 10, 1997

Harry Potter Takes a Stand for the Snapes

By: Rita Skeeter

Alexandra Snape, cousin of Severus Snape, proven deatheater and first antilegilimens in two centuries, was placed in front of the wizengamot yesterday afternoon. She pleaded guilty to alleged claims of her association with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. She argued that it was in her best interest and the best interest of Severus Snape not to refuse You-Know-Who. "Last time I refused [He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named] my parents and sister ended up dead, so I really didn't want a repeat of that," Ms. Snape told the wizengamot in tears….Harry Potter stood at Ms. Snape's defense and with his help she was cleared of all charges against her.

Harry Potter previously protested about the exclusion of Headmaster Snape's portrait from Hogwarts. Mr. Potter has really taken an interest in this family and many people want to know why. Why is the chosen one defending deatheaters?

Rumors have been spreading about Harry Potter's particular preference for the bewitching antilegilimens, Alexandra Snape. During Ms. Snape's trial, she was seen holding hands with our Mr. Potter in the courtroom and Harry was only too quick to give her a shoulder to cry on as she dissolved into tears in the middle of her questioning. After the hearing the pair got really cozy, sharing a long celebratory hug….

Daily Prophet

May 15, 1997

Malfoy Family Pardoned

Penny Pendragon

…Harry Potter steps in to defend the Malfoys….In the hearing of Mr. Lucius Malfoy the wizengamot concluded that he should serve two months in Azkaban for his anti-muggle crimes. As for his wife Mrs. Narcissa Malfoy and their son Draco, they are both completely freed of all charges, serving no time in Azkaban.

Daily Prophet

June 1, 1997

Why is the Chosen one Defending Deatheaters?

By: Rita Skeeter

With the help of Harry Potter, writes Rita Skeeter, Daily Prophet reporter, several proven deatheaters have been pardoned for their crimes, serving little to no prison time. The lucky deatheaters are Stanley Shunpike, Lucius, Narcissa and Draco Malfoy and of course antilegilimens Alexandra Snape. These are potentially dangerous people free to roam with us, pure, law abiding witches and wizards. Harry Potter was very adamant about these individuals being cleared of all charges, but why?

Could Harry Potter be acting on his unconditional love for Alexandra Snape? Clearly she has convinced him to protect her from Azkaban as well as her friends…Perhaps previous Headmaster and ex-potions master of Hogwarts, Severus Snape taught his cousin a few tricks. Could Harry Potter be working under the influence of a love potion? It is very possible….

Daily Prophet

June 15, 1997

Rita Skeeter does it Again

By: Betty Braithwaite

For the authoress that brought us the enlightening story The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore, the delightful Rita Skeeter does it again with her new publication, Severus Snape, Saint or Scoundrel. Once again I was so graciously welcomed in Ms. Skeeter's home and offered a hot cup of tea while conducting my interview. Ms. Skeeter conducted herself modesty answering my many questions with perfect composer….When asked if she had contacted Severus's Snape's relative, the pardoned deatheater and antilegilimens, Alexandra Snape, Ms. Skeeter answered, "Hasn't returned a single owl." Her tone is calm yet I can sense her rightful frustration. "You would think that it is only polite to reply to a request but it seems that this girl has dropped off the face of the earth, no one seems to know where she has gone, which only told me that there are more secrets to be had. I dedicate a full chapter to her in the book and the romance she shares with Harry Potter."

So you really believe that Ms. Snape is involved with Harry Potter, I ask Ms. Skeeter. "Dear Betty, isn't it so obvious?" is Ms. Skeeter's reply. I then acquired about Harry Potter being so often seen in public with Ginevera Weasley. "Oh Betty, Ginevera Weasley is the sister of Harry Potter's ginger friend. I suspect that this relationship is meant to appear important until the whole hoopla of the past events wear down. I am convinced that this Weasley girl means practically nothing to Harry, bet my words, Betty; in just a few weeks or so I am sure we will be seeing Alexandra Snape and Harry Potter in Madam Puddifoot's."

I of course was completely impressed by Rita Skeeter's extensive insight. I ask her who her sources are. "Of course I have many anonymous sources, not that I need them. Now Betty, I do not want to give too much of the book away but just think how outrageously unyielding Harry Potter has been in defending Severus Snape and his defense is pretty farfetched. Honestly there is too much evidence against the Snapes, yet Harry Potter continues to claim they are innocent. If that is not love I don't know what it is, well unless it is a love potion….


	47. Chapter 46

Chapter 46

In The Graveyard

June 5th 1997,

I lied in my grave, well on it technically. The grass below me was sharp and dry from the hot summer sun and the air was thick and musty. I felt almost content somehow. Content to lie at my grave between my loved ones remains. To the right of me was my father, Tiberius and My mother, Patricia's tombstones gleaming in the rays of the sun and to the left of me is Sidney's tomb and next to hers is a fresh grave that holds the body of Severus Snape. All their graves were decorated with beautiful bouquets of flowers that will last through the heat and stay in bloom for weeks.

I closed my eyes against the light and took deep breaths in of the humid air. My chest warmed as hot air pours into my lungs. Birds chirped cheerfully. There was no one in the cemetery.

I felt a small nudge in my ribs that made me jump. I opened my eyes and placed a hand on my ever expanding belly.

"Well hello," I whispered. "I was wondering when I would hear from you."

There was another little kick.

"Are you doing summersaults in there or something?" I asked my belly.

As if in response the baby kicked again.

I closed my eyes again. "Mom," I whispered, "I am going to have a baby." I paused "Dad you are going to be a grandpa and Sidney you will be an aunt and Severus" I turn my head to the left, "we will just call you the uncle. Uncle Sev." I laughed.

"It will be great," I said passively. "When the baby is born you all can come to the hospital with me. Mom, I will let you be the first to hold the baby, well after me of course and then the rest of you can figure out who gets to hold him or her next. Then Dad, when the time comes you can drive us home from the hospital. I think I can fit a cradle in my room.

"I am thinking we could paint my room yellow, so if the baby is a boy the color theme could be yellow and blue or if the baby is a girl it could be yellow and pink. What do you think Mom?"

I paused, waiting for a response. My eyelids squeezed tighter together.

"Yeah, I think it will look really nice too," I said.

I turned my head to the right, my eyes still tightly shut. "Mom, Dad," I said in a chipper whisper. I turned my head to the left. "Sidney. Aren't you all glad we've meet Severus?" I waited for my family to answer.

"Yeah, me too," I said. "We should have met him sooner. Well at least we all know each other now."

I opened my eyes and gazed upon the canopy of trees above me. I slowly pushed myself up.

"Mom," I muttered staring at the rolling hills in front of me dotted with tombstones. "I am going to have a baby and I don't know what to do." Tears began to pour down my cheeks. "Tell me what to do." Of course there was no answer. "I wish you were here. I wish you were all here."

The baby kicked again.

I squeezed my eyes tight and let the last few tears fall. I wiped away the salty water from my cheeks and eyelashes, and then stood up carefully. I took in a long breath of fresh air and then turned to examine the tombs before I left for a long time.

My eyes moved slowly across the graves, Tiberius, Patricia, Alexandra, Sidney, and Severus Snape. As I moved my eyes along the stones again I noticed that mine was not bare as I had thought. A single red rose lay at its foot. I had not noticed it before; it was wilted and blended in with the dry grass below.

I reached for it and some petals fell, spinning to the ground. Anger rose inside me. Someone still came to my empty grave and laid flowers. I was still here, still alive, but yet I could not go back to my old life. I had been thinking about lies I could tell or explanations I could give. The witness protection program for one, but the idea of living my life in a lie, especially now that I was going to have a child seemed completely horrible. And even if I did choose to go back, I am not the same person that I was. So much has happen; I am so altered it is best to just let my old friends mourn the Alex that they knew. In truth, parts of me did die; four parts in fact and they lie in this cemetery.

I would have to go away from the place where I grew up and start new. I dropped the rose at my feet and kicked it into the ground. Then with more built up frustration I kicked the pearly tombstone that read my name. If felt good so I did it again and again.

"Hey!" shouted a voice in the distance. "What the hell do you think you are doing?"

My heart started beating fast. I was petrified to the spot. I knew that voice at once.

I knew that I was being approached. Without turning around I tried to run on my shaking legs.

"Hey!" yelled the voice angrily. "Where are you going?"

Apparently, I was not going anywhere because I tripped after about five strides. I fell forward catching myself with my hands before I could put weight on the baby.

Two strong hands ceased my arms from behind and pulled me into a standing position.

"Who do you think you are," asked the voice, "kicking that grave like that?" the voice sounded hurt. I was stunned and did not resist what was about to happen.

The hands turned me around so that I was face to face with David Harper.

He drew in a sharp breath ready to yell at the person who had defaced my grave, but then he did not exhale.

"David," I muttered. The word slipped out accidently. I quickly clasped my hand over my mouth as if I could shove his name back in.

His grasp on me loosened so immediately I almost fell backwards. His eyes were wide and his month was moving but no words were coming out. He was hyperventilating as if he were a fish out of water.

He backed away from me. His whole body was shaking. He fell to the ground as his foot caught on a low tombstone, yet he never took his green eyes off me.

I was a ghost.

"I'm sorry," I breathed. Then I sprinted as fast as my pregnant body would allow, and once far enough away, I disapparated, leaving the graveyard and David Harper behind.

* * *

David sat shaking in the grass. The back of his head was throbbing; he had hit it against a tombstone. Maybe it was the bump to the head that explained why he was seeing dead girls, but no. It was because of the girl that he fell. Was she a ghost? Had he finally gone insane? In vain hope he tried to make sense of what just happened.

Maybe that girl just looked like Alex, he tried to convince himself, but that couldn't be; she had said his name. "David" she had said. He began to shake harder and tears formed in his eyes.

He knew that it was her. If either ghost or figment of his imagination it was her. He knew that he must be crazy. Nearly two years of hopeless longing had finally driven him mad.

Tears silently fell down his cheeks. He cried not for his loss of sanity or from fear but for once again losing the girl he was in love with.

For two hopeless years he fantasized about seeing Alex Snape again, just once. He had planned out exactly what he would do and say but he blew it. In none of his plans did it say fall backwards and cut your head open.

She disappeared so fast.

If he was insane, why couldn't his hallucinations just stay with him? So that then he could be happy.


	48. Chapter 47

Chapter 47

Spinner's End by the Sea 

October 9th 1997

_I am in my gloomy bedroom in the house at Spinner's End, except this is not Spinner's End. I do not hear the bustles of the muggle neighbor, but the rolling splashes of waves. I run to the small window. _

_ Where Spinner's End should be, there is a sandy beach and a blue ocean. The sun is shining and seagulls float at their ease in the clear sky. And I know I am dreaming and if this is a dream…_

_ I rush to the stairs. "Severus!" I call out. "Severus!"_

_I fly down the stairs and once I reach the landing I see him. He is sitting in his armchair with the Daily Prophet held up in front of him. He roughly sets it aside as I approach him, revealing his beautiful scowl._

_ "What do you mean by creating all this noise?" He asks with annoyance._

_ "Oh!" I smile and run towards him and sit on his lap._

_ "What are you doing?" he hisses._

_ "Just don't question it," I tell him. "This is my dream." I wrap my arms around his neck and give him a squeeze._

_ He cringes and I get off his lap._

_ "Sorry," I said ashamed of my rejection._

_ "No, no it is not that," says Severus roughly. He places a weary hand to his neck, where I just notice he is wrapped in bandages._

_ "The snake bits," I say with surprise._

_ "Yes," replies Severus bitterly, "The snake bit."_

_ "It could have been this way," says my dream self. I bravely kiss Severus on the cheek, which turns warm with my touch. I then sit at his feet._

_ "Any interesting news?" I ask as he picks up the paper once more._

_ He rolls his eyes at me. "No," he says dryly and puts the paper down again._

_ He pulls his wand out of his robes and a book comes flying off a shelf. It is __Hamlet__._

_ I shift and rest my head on the arm of the chair._

_ Severus opens the book and looks down at me. "Shall we start where we left off?" he asks me._

_ "Wait," I say, looking up at him with confusion, "You are going to read to me?"_

_ "Yes," he says his eyebrows knitting together. "Do you want to finish the play? Or would you rather not? People your age have such little taste in good literature; it is really quite appalling."_

_ "No, No," I tell him. "I like this play, please read it."_

_ So he did, but since this is a dream and I do not have __Hamlet__ memorized every line Severus reads is "there is something rotten in the state of Denmark" or "to be or not to be." But it is by far the best rendition of this Shakespearian work I had ever heard._

_ Severus reads the last page, "To be or not to be," he concludes and closes the book._

_Hamlet__ floats gracefully back to its spot on the shelf._

_ "Did you like it?" Severus asks me. His personality is more relaxed and he seems at ease. There is movement and light behind his dark eyes, everything I would have hoped to see if events had been altered._

_ "I loved it," I answer._

_ "Good," he says._

_ "Severus," I say as I turn to face away from him, leaning my back against his legs._

_ "Yes, Alex," he replies._

_ I smile slightly. _

_ "Are you happy?" I ask him._

_ "Yes," Severus says._

_ "Do you love me?" I ask._

_ "Yes," he assures me._

_ "Will you always?" I ask._

_ "Always," he tells me._

_ My hand grabs on to my stomach as I feel a sudden sharp pain._

_ I hear a baby crying up stairs. Its voice echoes through the house._

_ I stand and look at Severus. He seems completely unfazed by the baby's crying._

_ Severus picks up his paper again and begins to read it again. _

_ "Aren't you going to take care of that?" Severus asks passively._

_ "Uh," I say. "Yes. I suppose I have to," except I did not want to go. I feel fear and another sharp pain in my stomach._

_ I walk to the stairs slowly. I feel nerves creeping in the pit of my stomach and then more pain. The crying becomes louder as I walk upwards. The stairs seem steeper than I remembered them being and as I climb higher and higher my surroundings get darker._

_ Though, I ascend slowly I reach the upstairs landing in no time. I shiver, but not because I am cold. The floorboards creek and eerie shadows line the walls. The once tiny hallway of the second story of this house is now stretched, long and narrow. _

_ I stop and listen to the see where the baby's cry is coming from. _

_ It comes from behind the door at the end of the hall._

_ My legs do not want to move but my mind tells me that I must; so I go. I start along the hall. As I approach the door, the hall becomes narrower, now I must walk sideways with wall against my back and wall nearly touching my nose._

_ I am at the door. Pressed against the two walls and the door; I feel like I am enclosed in a coffin and my breathing sharpens._

_ I struggle to open the door with my little arm room, my hand slips on the knob but I finally manage to open it and step inside._

_ Once in the room, I am relieved to see that it is wide, yet somehow I want to go back into the claustrophobic hall. The room has the same grey wall paint as the rest of the house and it is completely empty except for a crib in the middle of the room._

_ I notice that the baby has stopped crying. I am tempted to turn back but I know I have to check on my child._

_ I feel another sharp pain in my abdomen._

_ I approach the crib._

_ It seems to take me a century to walk the short distance. But once there I look down at my baby…_

_ My whole body tenses up and again my stomach aches as if it is being twisted into a knot._

_ I scream as I see its red eyes looking up at me from the crib. It looks so knowing, as if it is trying to see into my soul. Its surprisingly long fingered hands reach for my throat. Its hands grab hold of me with little trouble; its arms seemed to stretch. Its white hands on my bare neck are like ice. The thing pulls me in towards it by my throat; I am forced to look at it straight in the face; my stomach gives a horrible lurch; my feet are off the ground as I hang limply over the cribs metal bars. I am afraid but I mustn't be; this is my baby. But it is evil! I can't breathe; it is going to choke me to death._

_ "Severus," I try to yell but I don't have enough breathe in me to make much sound. "Severus," I try again uselessly._

_ My white, red-eyed baby opens its mouth and speaks to me in hisses. It is just like its father._

There was a loud knocking on the wall.

"Will you keep it down!" shouted the angry voice of my neighbor in the apartment next to me.

I remembered I could breathe again. This was not the first time I had been awoken by Mr. Room 114. Who knows what kind of yelling fun I had been entertaining him with tonight.

I felt a shiver as the memory of the dream returned to me.

"It was only a dream," I whispered to myself for the trillionth time in months. But suddenly I felt the dream again in my stomach, a horribly sharp pain. My shaking arms lifted my fully pregnant self into a sitting position and the pain came again. Then I felt warm wetness under my legs, which quickly soaked into my sheets. My water broke.


	49. Chapter 48

Chapter 48

The Fifth Anniversary 

May 2, 2003

The clock on the wall was moving at a sluggish pass. It was 4:45 pm, 4:50, Maybe I could just leave early no one would notice, but of course just as the thought crossed my mind, the phone rang.

"Hello this is the Bellingham Railway Museum. My name is Alex, how can I help you?"

After spending 15 minutes on the phone trying to explain that the Bellingham Railway Museum was in fact in Bellingham, Washington and not somewhere in Canada, I finally was free.

After collecting all my belonging, a small purse and a blue sweater, I ran to catch bus 109 which I almost missed.

It was the usual 5:10, 109 bus driver, Nicole. I gave her my usual smile as I got on and she nodded as she always did. I sat in my normal seat, behind Nicole and by the window. I recognized the old, white haired couple that always rode this bus together. They must be about 80 and they still held hands. I always wondered where they got off, my stop was before them.

The bus stopped and several people got off there and then their seats were filled by a gaggle of Bellingham hippies. A strong smell of pot filled the air as the bus trudged on.

I looked out the window. The days were finally getting longer and the sun was low in the sky but still very bright. I viewed my reflection in the window. My face had finally filled out since I was younger and my black hair was now cropped at shoulder length.

The sun felt nice on face so I closed my eyes. What a beautiful May day. Then I remembered what was significant about this day. It was May 2nd, the fifth year anniversary of the battle at Hogwarts. The day the war was won for good and the day many died, the day Severus died.

The bus stopped again and it was my turn to get off. The street was not crowed; only a few people passed as I walked. I passed many Victorian style houses. Many were neatly kept while others were most likely occupied by college students from the nearby university and were trashed as a result of last weekend's drunken party.

After about five minutes of walking uphill I finally reached an old house painted a hideous green and purple combination. This house belonged to two old women named Samantha and Prudence, but for twelve hours, five days a week there home doubled as a daycare for young children.

I climbed the steep porch steps as another mother carried her daughter down to street level. I recognized the woman and her child, though I did not know their names; I smiled at them as I passed.

I reached the door that had a homemade wooden sign nailed to it. The sign read 'Daycare' in crooked, multicolored letters.

I rang the bell and heard the slow shuffles of one of the old women behind the door. At last I was greeted by Prudence. She would have been a very hip looking old lady if this were the 80's. Her short silver hair was streaked with blue and she was wearing shiny silver and black zebra printed leggings under an oversized teal sweater. Her corky appearance made me smile every time I saw her.

"Mrs. Snape," she welcomed me.

I stepped inside. "Miss Snape, actually," I said passively, knowing that she would just forget by tomorrow.

"Oh of course," she said good-naturedly, patting me on the shoulder.

I looked around; there were no children in sight.

"Severus is the last one today," Prudence told me. "He is outside playing with Samantha."

I nodded.

"Samantha," Prudence called, "Samantha!"

"I'm a' comin'," squealed back Samantha.

"Well get a move on it, old woman," Prudence called to Samantha. I had my doubts, but I was pretty sure the two women were together.

Soon enough the short, yellow sundress clade, permed, white haired, Samantha appeared cheerfully from around the corner.

Holding her hand and following very close behind was a five year old boy, tall for his age and probably one of the most beautiful children I had ever seen.

Upon seeing me he let go of Samantha's hand and ran at me with full force.

"Mommy!" he cried happily.

I lifted him up into my arms, he wrapped his long legs around my waist and I balanced his weight on my left hip.

"Hi, Baby," I said as I kissed the top of his brunet head. "Did you have a good day?"

"Yes, Mommy, we played with playdough, and I made a rocket ship and Mommy…"

"Yes, Sev," I said adjusting him in my arms.

"And, Mommy, Tyler dared me eat the playdough, but I didn't do it, Mommy."

"That's so good," I told him with approval.

He seemed proud of himself for resisting the temptation, "But, Mommy," he said his eyes suddenly widened. "Jessica ate playdough and she got sick and her Mommy had to come get her. Tyler said that she is going to die now."

"She isn't going to die," I assured him.

I felt his body relax in my arms.

"You have a very unique little boy, Mrs. Snape," said Samantha.

I put my hand over Severus's head as if to shield him from something. "What do you mean?" I asked rough with worry. "What did he do?"

Both Samantha and Prudence stared at me because of my reaction.

I gently set Severus on his feet and he looked up at me curiously.

"He didn't do anything wrong," Samantha told me skeptically.

"He is a perfect angel," said Prudence.

"He is so popular with the other children," said Samantha, smiling, "Especially with the young ladies." She winked at me.

"You better look after this one," Prudence told me half seriously. "You are raising quite the little charmer."

"And such a handsome little boy," said Samantha.

I looked down at my son; he had evidently lost interest in the conversation and was playing with my purse, which was hanging from my shoulder. He happily opened my bag, looked inside, snapped it shut again and then repeated the process as if expecting something to have changed.

He was a very beautiful child, indeed. Everyone who ever met him told me so, not that I needed assurance. My little Severus was tall for the age of five. He had brown hair and brown eyes. His face had already lost its babyish roundness and his features were smooth and sharp. He was slim and pale, but besides that I could not take credit for anymore of his physical features.

"Yes, thank you," I said to the old women.

"He must look like his father," Samantha said.

I felt my body tense up.

Prudence knelt down to be at eye level with Severus. "Is your Daddy as much as a looker as you are?" she asked him playfully.

Severus just looked at her with confusion and then up at me with even more confusion, waiting for me to explain.

I sighed deeply. "Well we have to go," I said a bit louder than I meant to. "Thank you." I grabbed Severus's hand. "Come on, Sweetheart," I told him as I pulled him towards the door.

The old women seemed momentarily put off by our sudden exit but recovered their composure almost immediately and waved to us as we left their home.

"See you on Monday, Severus," I heard one of them call as I closed the door.

Severus was very quiet as we walked to our bus stop. I could tell he was in deep thought. For a child his age, he was incredible contemplative. I wished I could know what was going on in his mind, but that was impossible for there was one more thing that he inherited from me. My son was an antilegilimens too.

I often wondered if my son had been Lord Voldemort's plan from the beginning. Was there some dark magic involving bloodlines that could have enabled him to steal his offspring's powers? Or was it an obsession with my power that brought upon his horrible interest in me? But whatever the reasons that caused the events that gave me my son, I knew they were stemmed by the Dark Lord's greed and cowardice. He wanted the protection that comes from antilegilimency and he kept me around until he knew how he could steal it.

But he failed. He is dead. Dead now for five years and here stands his son, full of goodness, with the power that the Dark Lord wanted for himself, the power my family died for, the power that gave me my son.

Severus still did not speak as we got onto the bus. He silently claimed the seat by the window and gazed at the passing scenery.

"What's on your mind, Sev?" I asked my son, lightly brushing his soft hair away from his eyes.

He let out a shoulder hunching sigh and continued to gaze out the window.

"Severus," I said with light sternness.

He sighed again and then dramatically flopped forward onto my lap.

"Am I a test tube baby?" he asked as he wrapped his arms around my waist.

"Excuse me?" I asked in surprise. The man sitting in the seat perpendicular to us briefly looked in our direction.

Severus sat up again and looked as if he was about to cry.

I gently grabbed his face between my hands. "Hey," I said softly, "What brought this on?" I asked even though I had a pretty good idea. "You were so excited about playdough not even 15 minutes ago."

He climbed into my lap and rested his head on my left shoulder.

"Tyler has a mommy and a dad and so does Geoffrey and Eliza and Jessica and Isaac and Molly and Joshua and…" he continued to name off all the kids at his daycare. "So since I only have a mommy, Tyler says that I must be a test tube baby."

"Tyler doesn't know what he is talking about and you are _not_ a test tube baby," I said. "Severus, look at me," He tearfully looked up into my face. "Every family is different. Some families have a mommy and dad, some have two mommies and others have two dads and some, like our family, have one mommy and one baby who love each other very much."

Severus did not yet seem satisfied but his eyes seemed drier. "But everyone else has a dad but me," Severus whined.

"Severus, some people have no mother or father," I said seriously.

Severus thought about this for a moment. "Like you," He said quietly.

"Like me," I said emotionlessly. "But I have you," I said after a moment of silence, kissing his head.

"You have me," repeated Severus, his usual cheerfulness returning.

"And?" I asked him.

"I have you!" Severus said happily.

"And?" I asked him again.

"And we love each other," Severus said without missing a beat.

"That's right," I told him.

He smiled.

"Do you know what day it is?" I asked Severus turning the subject out of dangerous waters.

"Friday!" he cheered jumping a little in my lap.

"Yes," I said, "but that is not all that it is."

Severus looked at me blankly.

"It is May 2nd," I told him.

Severus still looked confused.

"Remember what I told you about our cousin, Severus, the one you are named after," I said.

My little Severus nodded. He took in a deep breath of air. "You said that Cousin Severus helped save the wizards and-"

"Shh," I told him.

He clapped his hands over his mouth. "Muggles," he whispered.

I nodded. "We will talk about it when we are at home."

The bus stopped soon enough and let us off a block away from our brick apartment complex.

Severus held my hand as we walked down there street. He pulled my arm up and down as he skipped along happily at my side.

Once inside the building we took the stairs as always to the fifth floor. Severus wanted to race and we took the stairs two at a time until we were out of breath. Severus won.

We reached apartment 515 and I pulled the key from my purse.

"No," Severus whispered looking around anxiously. There was no one in the hall but us. "Do it the other way," he said looking up with wide-eyed longing, "Please, Mommy."

I looked around too; there was still no one there. "Okay," I smiled wanting to appease my son. I pulled my wand from my purse and whispered "Alohomora." The door smoothly swung open. Severus giggled once happily and then ran inside.

Our apartment was a bit bigger than one would expect. I admit that I made some modifications.

The kitchen was full size, complete with light marble counter tops and shiny wooden floors, with a substantially sized window over the sink. Next to the kitchen was the living room with lush Turkish carpets and an overly stuffed, eggplant colored sofa, on which Severus had flopped himself upon.

The wall behind the couch was lined with books, many that I had inherited from the Spinner's End house (including the complete works of Shakespeare). A grand fireplace was opposite the sofa and the mantle was heavy with many framed pictures of Severus. All the pictures were taken with a muggle camera and were stationary.

Across from the front door was a tiny hall. To the left was the door that led to the bathroom, to the right was a spiral staircase that led to Severus's loft bedroom and straight ahead was a set of double doors that led into my room.

Just a few simple expanding charms and a lot of transfiguration made this once one roomed apartment a wonderful home.

A sleek, yet very fat black cat slinked over to me and purred at my feet.

"Hello, Useless," I said lovingly to the animal as I picked him up. He hissed at me, but then quickly forgave me as I scratched him behind the ears.

I walked over to Severus, and placed the cat on his stomach. He laughed as the cat's paws tickled him. Useless buried his face into Severus's chest and purred contently.

My wand still handy I opened the living room curtains with magic, letting the setting sun into the room.

"Now," I said knelling on the floor near Severus's head. "What is special about today?"

Severus smiled, ready to share what he knew. "Cousin Severus, helped save all the wizards and all the witches-"

"And muggles," I said.

"And muggles," repeated Severus still smiling.

"Who did he help protect us from?" I asked him.

Severus's smile faded and he became as solemn as any adult. "Lord Voldemort," he said with wide eyes.

"That's right," I told him seriously.

"And Lord Voldemort killed Cousin Severus and Grandma and Grandpa and Aunt Sidney and Harry Potter killed Lord Voldemort." My five year old son remembered what I had taught him.

"Cousin Severus helped Harry Potter," I said.

"And he was brave," Severus said.

"He was, they both were very brave," I told my little Severus. "And why did I name you Severus?" I asked my son earnestly.

"Because he was brave?" Severus asked.

"Yes," I told him, "and as a constant reminder that no matter what, you can always choose to be good."

Severus did not really understand but someday he would. He nodded.

"And Mommy," said Severus.

"Yes."

"Mommy, I am named after Grandpa too," said Severus lightening the mood a bit.

"Yes, My little Severus Tiberius Snape," I smiled lovingly at him.

Useless let out a loud meow from Severus's stomach and I was reminded to get back on topic.

"So Sev," I said, "this is a very important day, it is the five year anniversary of the day Lord Voldemort died and the day that the other Severus and many other good witches and wizards and muggles died too. So it is both a very sad and happy day that should be remembered."

"Yes, Mommy," Severus said.

"That's my good boy," I said. I pulled Useless off Severus and put him on the floor so Severus could sit up. Useless looked at me with resentment for having been pulled away from his favorite person.

The cat crept away into the hall probably to go sleep under the stairs.

"So are you hungry?" I asked my son.

He sat up at once and nodded vigorously.

"Well then what would you like to eat?" I asked.

"Mac n' Cheese!" Severus said.

"Okay, Sev," I laughed.

So I got up and walked to the kitchen and put a pot on to boil. "And after dinner," I said slowly, "if you want we could get some ice cream."

Severus ran into the kitchen.

"I mean, you probably don't want to, silly idea, probably shouldn't," I said.

"No," Severus said worriedly. "I want ice cream."

I laughed. "Okay then, Sweetheart. Now go wash up for dinner."


	50. Chapter 49

Chapter 49

Until Tomorrow

(Same day)

Severus had a chocolate ring around his mouth. He was finishing the last bits of his waffle cone in a sticky mess.

After he finished I took him into the bathroom and sat him on the counter as I cleaned his face and hands.

"You made such a mess," I told him as I tried to rub some of the chocolate stains off his sweater with little success. He just grinned up at me happily, swinging his legs.

Once he was clean and we were back outside, we could see the setting sun just wading weightlessly in Bellingham bay. The sky along the water was flaming pinks and oranges and the sky above was a rich indigo.

"Shall we walk towards the water?" I suggested to Severus.

"Okay Mommy," he said. He grabbed my hand as we crossed the street. Once on the sidewalk again, Severus let go and ran a head.

"Severus," I called after him, "Don't go to far." I quickened my speed. Severus looked back at me playfully and began to run full speed down the hill towards the water. "Severus," I said now running after him. I stumbled a bit as I began to lose control of my legs and the hill's slope drove them into full sprint.

"Faster Mommy!" Severus called behind him.

"Severus, careful," I cried.

The slope of the hill began to level out and my legs wobbled as my pace slowed.

Severus was stopped at the bottom of the hill. He waited until I got within a foot of him and then he took off around the corner of the water front shops.

I found him on the other side, halfway down the boardwalk, gazing into the window of a shop.

"Mommy!" cried Severus. "Come look!"

"Severus Tiberius Snape," I said sternly. "Don't just run off like that again."

Severus was not paying attention, but continued peering into the shop.

I walked over to see what it was that caught his interest.

In the window three large paintings were displayed. To the left, the smallest of the three was a scenic autumn drive with tall twisting trees with red, yellow and orange leaves. A black horse stood stoically in the distance, gazing knowingly into the viewer's eyes.

To the far right of the display was a slightly larger canvas than the first. This painting depicted the hands of an aged couple, tightly grasped around each other, resting at the sides of their thighs. They were both dressed and navy. The picture only depicted the midriffs for the couple but I could tell the two were happy. The detail put into their ivory, wrinkled hands and the tight shape of the couples grasp was enough to tell a perfect story.

But my favorite picture was the one in the middle it was on the largest canvas and it was an exact replica of the Bellingham sunset. The water seemed to move as I looked at the stationary painting. The painted sun seemed to warm my face. It was as if I was gazing into a mirror at the scenery behind me, as if the painter had captured a star and embedded it into the fabric of the canvas.

The sign above the store simply read: Art Gallery.

"Let's go in, Mommy," said Severus grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the door.

"Is it open?" I asked, looking around for a sign. The store appeared to be empty and there was a sense of neglect around the gallery, but the lights were on.

I walked over to the glass door and pushed. It opened.

There was no bell or anything on the door alerting the owner that there were customers.

The store seemed to be deserted.

"Hello?" I said. There was no answer.

Severus slipped inside.

"Sev," I said as I walked in too.

"Can I look at the pictures, Mommy?" he asked eagerly. I looked around skeptically. The lights were not bright, not the atmosphere one would expect from an art gallery.

"Yes," I said timidly. "Stay where I can see you and don't touch anything, okay?"

"Okay, Mommy," Severus said cheerfully.

Almost at once he strolled around the corner, out of sight.

I let out a sigh, but decided the gallery was not large, so there was not much trouble he could get into.

The room seemed to be loud and crowded, even though the only apparent life in the room was Severus and me. The gallery was fairly small. A lone wall (which Severus had disappeared behind) stood in the middle of the room and it was covered top to bottom in variously sized paintings. And all around the room there were paintings resting of easels placed sporadically, making the space tight.

I was amazed by this artist attention to detail. I kept turning my head in every direction trying to catch all the action around me. The paintings were stationary yet they were alive, like ones at Hogwarts. The characters that lived behind there canvas walls seemed to speak and have personalities and the sceneries seemed to pull me in until I was lost from reality.

I didn't know if I had been adventuring in these paintings minutes or hours, maybe days.

I tore myself away and looked out the window. The sun had completely sunk into the bay, only a yellow spot under the water told me where it was hiding.

I was about to call for Severus to tell him it was time to go home, when I saw it.

A painting in the very far corner of the room called to me and seemed to pull me towards it. In seconds without moving an inch it seemed I was facing it.

The girl's face was right up to the canvas. Her skin was pale, yet she blushed at me and she had a few light freckles under her wide blue eyes; her long black hair spilled forward almost falling out of the painting.

She was beautiful, too beautiful and she seemed to haunt me as I looked upon her. Her blue eyes were the force of tempest waves, trying to drown me.

I broke away from her gaze and confirmed my fear as I, for the first time, read the artist's signature in the right hand corner. Tangled within the girl's black hair were small scratched in white initials: D.W.H.

"Oh no," I panicked.

I motioned to move and find Severus so that we could leave this gallery, this town, but then I felt a presence behind me and my body went stiff as a board.

"Do you like the painting," said a very familiar voice, which set my heart racing.

"No," I breathed.

"I don't like it much either," said the voice bitterly. "I could never get it quite right."

I was silent. I could almost hear my mind trying to devise an escape plan. "You should get rid of this painting," I murmured.

"Turn around," ordered the voice roughly. "Turn around and look at me."

I cast my eyes downward and shook my head.

I then felt two strong yet shaking hands on my shoulders. I suddenly was spun around forcefully.

My body quivered but I continued to cast my eyes to the floor, letting my black hair fall forward.

"Look at me," hissed the voice. "For God sake, look at me."

I felt powerless, powerless against the warm hands on my shoulders, the lyrical voice and the intoxicating aroma coming from the very pores of the speaker, powerless as if nothing had changed.

I lifted my chin and met my blue eyes with the brilliant green ones that belonged to David Harper.

David pulled away from me as if in shock, yet he did not release his grasp on me, instead held me tighter.

He was silent. His lips were set in a tight line, his green eyes narrowed. He seemed paler and thinner, his sand curls hung low and he had light facial hair as if he had neglected to shave for a few weeks.

"I can hear your breathing," he said in straight tone. "I can feel your body shake under my hands." He lifted one hand from my shoulder and slightly touched my cheek. "You are warm," He pointed out. He moved his hand to my neck. "And you have a pulse." He pause a moment and replaced his grasp on me. "I heard you speak. You seem alive to me."

"I am alive," I said, tears pouring quietly from my eyes.

"I have been hearing you say that to me for years in my mind," he said, his expression was a cross between incredible pain and anger. "Though, it has never felt as real as it does now."

"It is real," I wept.

"How?" he asked.

"I never died," I said hurriedly. "I have been part of a witness protection program," I invented.

He let go of my shoulder and took a few steps back. He looked away from me and then looked back to see if I would disappear.

When I didn't he clenched his fists and wearing the same strange expression I was unsure if he was going to cry or yell.

"The graveyard, about five years ago?" David asked through clenched teeth. "Real or not real?"

"Real," I whispered.

"God dammit, Alex!" he shouted.

I quickly wiped my eyes. "What?" I asked instantly angry back. Was he really going to yell at me right now?

"You put everyone through shit!" he yelled.

"I put everyone through shit?" I shouted back. "What about all the crap I went through? My family was murdered and I had to leave everyone I loved, while they thought I was dead! So it is not like I was on vacation!"

David's face softened momentary but then he grew angry again. "What was that stunt you pulled in the cemetery? What do you think I thought when I saw you? You we supposed to be dead and I saw you!"

"Well I am so sorry!" I said sarcastically, "Sorry I disappointed you!"

He ignored my last statement. "I thought I lost my mind that's what I thought!" David yelled. "I go to a shrink because I thought I saw a dead girl! I am a recovering alcoholic!"

"I didn't tell you to be a drunk or see a shrink," I hissed at him.

"You weren't around to tell me not to!" was David's argument.

"What the hell is wrong with you!" I said mercilessly. "Why didn't you just get over it like a normal person?"

David's eyes flashed red and I could feel the heat of his anger radiating off him. He stepped towards me and I stepped back, but he grabbed me by the shoulders again and pulled me towards him. Then without warning he was kissing me. Moving one hand on my back and one in my hair he pushed my towards him as if he could not get close enough. My hands were limp at my side and my balance depended completely on David's strength but my lips moved with his perfectly as if we had done this a thousand times.

My heart raced as hundreds of confused and wonderful feelings rose to the surface. I was gone out of this life; I was pure and whole again; I was home at last.

_No,_ I thought, _I cannot be thinking like this. Everything had changed I am not as I was and I have a son._

I found my arms again and used them to push myself away from David with as much force as I could.

I stumbled backwards as we broke apart. David reached out to help steady me, but I narrowly avoided his touch.

He looked at me, his beautiful green eyes wide, I know he felt what I felt and though he was steady his face was flushed and his hands were shaking.

Angry tears fell from my eyes. How dare he?

I had decided years ago that I would never try to contact anyone from my old life. I was not the same as I was. I was not innocent; I was not pure or whole. I was tainted and damaged. I had seen too much and lost too many people and now I had a son. It was not just about me anymore. I had a child and with going back to people I once knew questions would arise about Severus and his parentage. For his safety I had chosen to stay away. But now I had an almost over powering need to come back to the world I once knew. I knew what I was missing and now I would have to live my life longing for it in vain.

I raised my hand to slap David across the face as hard as I possibly could, but only inches from his cheek he caught my wrist and then reached for the other one so that my hands were tied in front of me. I fought against him but he was too strong.

"When I let go of your arms you can hit me all you like," said David fervently. "You can call me any cruel name you can think of. Yell any swear word but don't you dare run away from me. Don't you even think about it."

I opened my mouth to scream at him or possibly bite him when I heard tiny footsteps running towards me.

"Mommy!" Severus cried.

David let go of my hands as if they were made of hot iron and backed away, rubbing his palm over his temp, with a look of disgust on his face.

Severus looked up at me fearfully. Tears still crawled down my cheeks and I was shaking.

"Mommy, what's wrong," Severus said a sob creeping into his voice.

I quickly wiped my eyes. "Nothing, sweetheart," I said my voice shaking; "I'm fine."

Severus threw a tearful glare at David and then held his arms up like a toddler wanting to be held.

I took him into my arms and he cried on my shoulder.

"Hush, my love," I said in his ear. "Everything is fine."

Severus shook his head into my shoulder. I set him down again and knelt at his eye level. I brushed away his tears with my thumb and he caught one of my escaped tears with his pointer finger.

"Who is he?" Severus asked heatedly without looking at David.

I gently turned Severus around to look at David. "This is Mr. Harper," I said stoically, "the artist; he painted all these paintings, Severus."

Severus's face softened slightly towards David upon hearing that he was the creator of all these beautiful works, but he still eyed him skeptically.

David walked a half a step closer and then bent to shake hands with my son.

Severus looked at me before grabbing David's hand. I nodded indication that it was okay. So Severus grasped hands with the artist but almost immediately pulled away and ran behind me. I stood and David straightened up.

"What is your name?" David asked Severus softly.

"His name is Severus," I answered coldly. David looked up at me briefly but then looked back down at my son.

"That is a nice name," David said coldly. "Are you named after your father?"

I opened my mouth to retort, but Severus beat me to it.

"I'm named after my cousin," Severus told David, "I don't have a father, but I am not a test tube baby," he added.

The corners of David's mouth twitched under his beard as if he was about to smile but he managed to keep his face straight and simply nodded at Severus's remark.

David looked at me again. "I see a ring on your finger but it's not on your left hand," he hissed. He was referring to the gold ruby ring that had been a Christmas present many years previous. "If you were married you would be in a lot of trouble," and he smirked devilishly at me.

My jaw dropped in outrage and my eyebrows knit together.

David directed his attention toward Severus again. "You know I knew your mom when she was a little girl."

Severus looked at David with amazement then looked at me. "Is this true, Mommy?" he asked.

"Severus we need to go home," I said sternly.

Severus's eyes caught the haunting painting of the girl. "Mommy," He said to himself. He too seemed to dislike it.

David turned the painting around on its easel.

"Your mom and I used to ride bikes on our street together and make mud pies together," David said looking me straight in the eye. Severus just listened to the story quietly and curiously.

"We need to leave," I said through clenched teeth.

"And you helped me with my English homework; taught me to like Shakespeare," David smiled.

"Stop it," I muttered defenselessly.

"You came to all my football games," He reminded me.

"Don't," I begged.

"You were the first one to see my paintings," he whispered passionately.

"This is not the time," I hissed.

"I missed the time," David said nearly inaudibly. "Your right," he said completely changing tones. He glanced down at Severus and then at me again.

"Have dinner with me tomorrow," David said with a forced grin on his bearded face.

Severus grabbed my hand and was swinging it back and forth, gazing up at David as if trying to decide if he liked him or not.

"I can't," I said harshly, nodding towards Severus.

"The invitation was extended to both of you, Alex," David said my name with almost mocking emphases as if we were children.

"We're busy, David," I mimicked him.

"I don't think you are," he replied.

I started for the door, tugging Severus along.

David moved in front of us with his arms spread wide. "I will not let you leave until you promise to have dinner with me tomorrow night at, hmm, let's say 5:30."

"Um, let me think for a minute," I said sarcastically. "No."

Severus giggled at my side. David and I both looked down at him and his cheeks reddened.

"Mommy," he said tugging on my hand.

"What, Sev?" I said throwing a dirty look at David.

"We should have dinner with him, Mommy," Severus whispered loudly. He had evidently decided to like David as everyone always did. "We should."

"See," said David childishly, pleased as if he had won some game, but he did win. David knew I could give my son no reasonable explanation as to why I wouldn't have dinner with him.

I was trapped. I inhaled sharply. "Fine," I said shortly. "Now let us through."

"Patience," said David jokingly. "I have to give you my address first."

"You're going to cook?" I asked with a scowl.

"I am a starving artist," David said, "I cannot afford to take you out for dinner. We will be having top ramen for dinner, followed by top ramen for desert."

He grinned at me. I did not smile back yet it took effort.

"Don't move," David said seriously.

David walked away shortly and came jogging back with a piece of paper and pen. He seemed relieved upon his return to see that I was still there. He was right to think that I might flee; it crossed my mind.

"Here," he said starting to hand me the paper in which he had scribbled his address on, but at the last possible moment he pulled it away from me and handed it to Severus. "Make sure your mommy doesn't lose this," David told Severus kindly.

Severus seemed thrilled to be entrusted with such a large responsibility and held the paper tightly in his hands.

"Bye," I said coldly.

"See you both tomorrow at 5:30," said David proudly.

I started for the door again.

David grabbed my wrist. "Promise me that you are not going to disappear," he whispered hurriedly in my ear. "Promise me."

My heart thumped violently in my chest. Only seconds before my brain was devising a plan to be in Australia by tomorrow afternoon, but at his touch everything was forgotten. My lips utter the words that I would not and could not break. "I promise."

David seemed satisfied and let me go until tomorrow.


	51. Chapter 50

Chapter 50

The Dinner Party

May 3, 2003

"I doesn't matter how I look," I said to myself as I gazed at my reflection in the mirror.

I was wearing a pale green button down dress that hung loosely on my body and fell at my knees.

I pulled down at the neckline a bit. Happily my body had become a bit shapelier since my pregnancy so I no longer had the physical physique of a 12 year old. I examined myself again in the mirror, this time eyeing my forced cleavage. A thin scar shaped like a lightning bolt still flashed above my left breast.

"What am I doing?" I exclaimed to the empty bathroom. I let go of the dress lapel and it bounced back modestly covering my collar bone and hiding the scar once more.

Hiding scars was an active part of my life, whether they were physical or emotional damage.

I briefly pressed my hand over my heart where the scar lived. This was nowhere near the worst one. It did result in a lot of scolding from Severus but in many ways I thought of it as a badge of honor. It was the mark I was given trying to protect my cousin, who I loved. It was a mark of success.

Its twin on the back of my neck, however, was a mark of failure. A constant reminder of the life I could not protect. It still stung my memory every time my finger's brushed it. Even though, I cut my hair shorter, it was still just long enough to hide the scar from the world, but it was never hidden from me. Though it was always behind me; I could not and would not forget it.

But the worst and most hated mark on my body was a lot larger than the two tiny scars. The skin on the inside of my left arm was grey and uneven. When touched it felt unnaturally cold and with a smooth texture that resembled the feel of scales, like of snake skin.

Over the course of the first year of the victory, the mark slowly faded and I thought I was to be liberated but after a while it stopped disappearing. Though I was no longer sinking, the remainder of the dark mark was like an anchor still attaching me to the bottom of the ocean.

I reached for my sweater that I set on the bathroom counter, grey and oversized just as I liked it, good for hiding.

I threw it on and paired with my shapeless dress and white canvas shoes, it could not be said that I was at the height of fashion, but I thought I looked nice. I pulled my black hair back with a headband and I put on makeup. Why?

Why was I doing this? I had promised myself years ago that I would stay away from my old life, from the people I once know. And it was not just for Severus's wellbeing it was for them and it was for me.

I was tainted, damaged and unwholesome. Anyone who knew me in my other life, my other world, my other dimension would be vastly disappointed to find me now. Let them think about me good or not at all. For me, I take comfort in knowing that some people remember me as I was. Better they think me dead than the way I am now. If people can truly believe me pure and whole (though dead), I can sometimes pretend, for if only a moment, that I am.

But now David knows my secret. He has spoiled everything with one kiss! He now had me trapped in a world in which I no longer belonged yet yearned for and now would always yearn for until my dying day.

What could he have possibly meant by ruining my life! The life that I struggled to keep together as it is. David, David, David!

Oh! That kiss! Oh why now, why not then? I was sure David Harper was put in this world to torment me, to ruin me, to completely, utterly destroy me!

_Why am I putting myself though this?_ I thought with anxiety.

_Because you don't have a choice._

_Of course I have a choice. I could modify his memory._

_Would you use magic on David Harper?_

_No._

_And even if you did, you would still remember._

_Oh, I wish I could just wipe my memory._

_But you can't. _I mocked myself.

_I just won't go! _I thought defiantly.

_But you promised._

_Why do I care about a stupid promise, it is not like it was an unbreakable vow, for God sake!_

_You know why._

Of course I did.

I cut the inner dialogue and exited the bathroom. The clock read five past five and it was time to leave and proceed to ruining everything.

In the living room, Severus was laying on the floor gently stroking the cat with a wide hand.

"Time to go," I said drily.

Severus jumped to his feet in turn scaring Useless under the sofa.

"I need the address, Sev," I said softly.

"Right," said my son. He sprinted up to his bed, where he was hiding the piece of paper with the address that David had placed into his protection. Severus spent a good forty-five minutes last night finding the perfect safe place for it. He refused to give it to me for safe keeping and insisted that it was his responsibility to hold on to it. Part of me hoped that he would lose it, so that I have a valid excuse and substantial obstacle for not screwing up my life. However the other, bigger part of me was deathly afraid the address would go missing.

But sure enough my little Severus came prancing down the stairs with it in hand.

"Ready, Mommy!" he exclaimed.

I sighed.

Severus looked up at me curiously. Most five year-old were not this intuitive.

"Don't worry," I told him with a forced smile.

He held up his arms to me, wanting to be carried. But my knees were shaking and I didn't want to drop him. Knelt instead and held my little boy in my arms.

He squeezed me tightly back. My little Severus made everything in my world worthwhile. How could something so beautiful and good come from such darkness?

"I love you," I said giving him one last squeeze before letting go and standing up.

"I love you too, Mommy," Severus said.

His good was worth all the bad.

I smiled again but this time more naturally. "Come on, Sev; let's get this show on the road."

I opened the front door and Severus ran out.

"The show on the road," he repeated happily running as fast as he could down the hall.

"Severus, wait," I called, locking the door quickly by magic and then chasing after him.

We boarded a bus, one that I never took for I never had a need to go to this part of town.

Severus continued to be in charge of the address, but he agreed to let me look at it, but not hold it.

After about 30 minutes I assumed that we were close; so I pulled the yellow wire to signal that we needed to exit. The bus stopped at a street corner with no passengers waiting to get on.

The bus drove away.

I looked around with confusion. The streets were deserted and there were not as many houses as the part of Bellingham Severus and I lived in. But where there were houses they were bigger and farther apart. We were directly on the opposite side of Bellingham bay.

Severus held up the address so I could read it. We were on the correct street.

"Hold my hand, Severus," I said as we began to walk up the street.

The sun was low in the sky and warm as it was yesterday. So I hardly minded the slow walk as I examined the addresses on the houses.

Finally I found the address that matched the house. But this could not be it. I stood back slightly to examine the house, it was humongous! It was historical like many of the houses in this town. It was three stories, white with blue trim and a wraparound porch. And on top of it all, it overlooked the water.

"This can't be it," I said out loud to myself. I was about to tell Severus to show me the address again but before I could, he let go of my hand, ran towards the house and rang the doorbell.

The door swung open a mere second after Severus tapped the bell. David stood in the door way looking livid.

I jogged up to the door. Severus reached out for me as soon as I was next to him, evidently intimidated by David's stony expression. I picked Severus up and he wrapped his arms around my neck, peering at David shyly with his head on my shoulder.

David eyed me wordlessly. If it wasn't for the look of disgust on his face he might have looked quite handsome. He was wearing slacks and a pale blue, button down shirt of which he had pushed up the sleeves halfway up his muscular forearms. He shaved his beard so his face was perfectly smooth so I could see the light freckles on his cheeks and he trimmed his hair so that his sand colored curls were tighter and bouncier. He looked like David Harper from the past, as if nothing had changed. I was almost fooled, but everything had changed…well except one thing and who was I trying to kid, of course he was handsome no matter how angry he looked, so handsome.

Was all of this preparation for my sake or did he finally look in the mirror and realize he didn't want to look like a homeless person anymore.

"You're late," David finally said through his sour look.

"You shaved," I pointed out mockingly.

His hand instinctively moved to his smooth cheek and then down again.

"It is 6 O'clock," he said. His breathtaking green eyes flashed into mine, but I tried to ignore my heart stop.

"I know," I lied.

"We agreed 5:30," he reminded me.

I opened my mouth to say some form of sly remark but upon reading David's expression I decided against it. For behind his anger there was a flash of hurt. Had he thought I wouldn't come? Or had he thought I was not real yesterday, just a figment of his imagination, like he thought he experienced in the graveyard many years ago.

"I'm sorry," I said sincerely. "We didn't mean to keep you waiting." I paused. "I promised I'd come," I whispered.

His face immediately softened and he stepped back to let Severus and me into the house.

Once across the threshold I set Severus down. He clung to my side and looked up at me nervously.

"It's alright, Sev," I whispered to him, gently stroking his hair.

He was not yet convinced.

The entryway of the house was just as grand as the outside, though it was very plain.

There were old wood floors, scuffed and worn over time. There was a wide staircase with a wooden banister in the middle of the way. To the left there was a small sitting room with an old fashion, molded, white fireplace. As for furniture, there was little, a worn little sofa and a rather large television on the floor. There was a small stack of books on the floor next to the sofa, but that was it. Adjacent to this room was another one very similar in size but without a fireplace…or anything else for that matter. The walls were all bleach white and bare.

David closed the door and walked over to us slowly.

"So what do you think of my house?" He exclaimed with open arms.

I looked around again.

"It is lovely," I told him, "but not what I expected of a 'starving artist'," I quoted him from yesterday.

He smirked at me. "I will explain," he assured me.

We stared at each other in silence for a few long moments. As I gazed into his face, flash back upon flash back played in my memory and I knew I was screwed.

He seemed to be remembering back too. I felt as if we were both seeing the same things as if our minds eye were one.

He suddenly broke the connection and I felt slightly disoriented for a moment, but then realized that David was looking down at Severus who was still close at my side looking concerned beyond his years.

David sighed slightly and got on his knees in front of my son.

"Do you think we could be friends?" David asked extending his hand to my five year-old.

Severus looked at me pleadingly. I followed David's example and got on my knees too.

Severus instantly seemed a lot braver when everyone was at his level, but he still wouldn't take David's hand. He crossed his arms instead.

"Severus," I said softly.

"Do you like this man, Mommy?" He asked me. "Do you like him?"

David raised his eyebrows at me and cocked his head to one side playfully. "Well?" he asked.

Did I _like_ David? Perhaps like was not a strong enough word. I adored him! I hated him! I found him funny; I found him irritating. When I looked at him I wanted to scream, cry and smile all at once. He took my breath away, yet made me feel ill. I though him irresponsible, kind, senseless, talented, handsome, horrible, pitiful, wonderful! UH! So sure let's just say I do like him.

"Yes," I said looking at Severus and not David. Severus's face relaxed and he extended his hand to David this time.

David took it and smiled at Severus full heartedly.

"Friends," David told Severus as they released hands.

Severus smiled back. "And with Mommy too, right?" Severus asked David.

David and I both stood.

I extended my hand slowly towards David to appease me son.

David reached out too, but caressed my hand with both of his.

"Friends?" he asked me seriously.

My voice shook as I replied. "Friends," I assured him.

My hand felt so warm in David's. I felt the intensity of his gaze, hot on my face. A light smile crossed his lips. His green eyes sparkled as if he couldn't be more content than he was in this moment.

I blushed profusely and dropped my gaze; this was all wrong. David slowly released my hand.

I did not check to see what his expression was.

"Let's go, in the back," he said coolly.

He started, expecting us to follow.

Severus reached out for my hand and I gave it to him more than willingly.

David led us through a door to the left of the staircase. He held it open and then closed it when were all through.

We were in a large kitchen. At once we were bombarded by the mouthwatering aroma of roasted garlic and seared meat that filled the air, definitely not Top Ramen.

The kitchen was equipped with shiny new, silver appliances, yet with outdated yellow cabinets, plastered counter tops and a tiny cast-iron stove in the corner. The room was filled with natural light do to the many windows. The sun spotlighted a large vacantness where a table should be.

"I thought it would be nice to eat outside," said David. "Who knows how long this nice weather will hold."

"Yeah," I agreed softly.

David walked over to the pair of glass double doors in the middle of the room and opened them, letting in the refreshing salty air of the bay.

Severus excitedly let go of my hand and ran outside into the sunlight. I suddenly felt vulnerable without him at my side and overwhelmed by all that was happening.

"Are you coming?" David said gently as he waited for me by the door.

I nodded and took the few steps out to the back deck. David gently put a guiding hand on my shoulder as I passed. I stiffened under his touch. He didn't seem to notice and followed me to the table.

David had really out done himself. He had moved his circular table outside and laid a deep blue cloth over it. A single tall candle sat in the middle of the table; its flame swayed with the light breeze. And surrounding the candle was a juicy looking pot roast, a large bowl of fluffy mashed potatoes, vibrantly yellow corn on the cob and a tall heart attack inducing dark chocolate cake.

"Impressed?" David asked me smugly.

"Yeah," I said still examining the food with surprise. Why on earth was this man wasting his time with me? What with the romantic atmosphere by the water with a sunset, the food, him in general, he could have a happy-go-lucky super model sitting on his table, feeding him that chocolate cake from between her legs.

"Aren't you going to sit down?" David asked me.

Severus had already found himself a spot in front of the chocolate cake.

"Yeah," I said with a slight chuckle to myself thinking about the super model scenario again.

"What's so funny?" David asked as he sat down himself across from Severus leaving me a seat in between the two.

I inhaled sharply, "Nothing," I told him. Just that this whole situation is absolutely ridiculous and wrong.

I sat down too and David started putting too much food on Severus's and my plates.

"So," started David somewhat awkwardly as I was cutting Severus's meat for him.

I sighed, "So what?" I knew David had things he wanted to say, but none that could be said in front of my son, thank God.

I finished cutting and finally got to taste the food on my plate; it was even better than it looked.

"So," I said breaking the silence. "When did you learn to cook?"

"I could cook before," David answered in fake scandalized voice. "Remember that time I made you spaghetti when you can over to study, Alex?"

I thought about this for a moment and then laughed despite of myself. "You made Spaghetti O's out of a can," I corrected. "That so doesn't count."

He laughed too. "Okay fine," he agreed. "I guess I have just had a lot of time on my hands in the last few years."

I wondered if this was the free time he had gained after he had stopped drinking.

"I like to cook," he said a little sheepishly. "It is very relaxing."

I snorted.

"What?" he said defensively.

"Nothing," I said, shaking my head.

"Mommy, can I have cake now?" Severus asked me.

I looked at his plate it was barely touched.

"Take 5 more bites," I told him.

"Do they matter how big they are?" he asked.

"Take two big bites, two medium size bites and one little bite," I said.

Severus counted on his fingers to make sure it was a fair deal, but then agreed to my proposal.

I looked out from the deck. There was a large field of tall grass and at the end of the field was the shore to the bay. Did all this belong to David?

I turned back to him. "You have to explain," I told him.

"Explain what, Alex?" He asked smiling slightly at me.

"All of this," I said gesturing with wide arms.

"Oh," David said nodding with comprehension.

"Well," I prompted.

"Well," he said. "My rich uncle died."

"Oh," I said knitting my eyebrows together. "I'm sorry."

"Oh don't worry about it, Alex," David said casually. "I didn't really know the guy well."

"Then why did…" I trailed off.

"Well my dad," David rolled his eyes, I knew how he felt on that subject, "was not thrilled about me not pursuing a football scholarship and-"

"You quit football?" I interrupted.

"Yep," said David.

"But you were so good at football," I said.

"Well don't you think I'm a good painter, Alex?" he asked.

"I think you're an amazing painter," I blushed. He grinned at me and caught my gaze. The blush deepened. "Well didn't you miss the perks that came with being captain," I said, trying to change the mood, "like the cheerleaders?"

He knew what I was doing. "I really didn't have to give that much up," he smirked. That shut me up. "Well as I was saying, Alex" David continued giving me a sarcastic look. I noticed that he was saying my name a lot. "Well anyway," he continued. "I dropped football and went to an art school instead. My dad wouldn't pay for it so I decided to call my Uncle John, the rich one," He clarified unnecessarily. "He bought some good stock years ago and it made him a really, really wealthy man. The only reason I knew this was anytime we had any money issues in my house, my dad would bring up my uncle; always followed by some swear word and then something about him having dumb luck. My dad and uncle had a fall out years ago, probably something my dad did. Well regardless I called my uncle and apparently he was really into the arts so I drove up to Bellingham (this was his house) showed him my work (he liked it) and then he gave me free money to go to school."

I opened my mouth to speak, but Severus beat me to it. "Mommy," he said, "Can I have cake now?"

"Did you have all five bites?" I asked him.

"Yes, Mommy," he said. "I had two big ones, two medium ones and one little one."

I smiled at him. "Ask Mr. Harper," I told him.

Wordlessly David cut a huge piece of cake and put it on a plate for Severus. I wondered if the largeness of the piece was just a way to keep Severus busy for as long as possible.

Severus looked at the piece with excited wide eyes. I grimaced. I was going to have to deal with that later, not David, whether it be a tummy ache or sugar rush.

"Can I go eat my cake in the grass," Severus asked David pointing to the field.

"Yes," David said with pleasure at the same time I said, "No." I wanted Severus with us as a conversation buffer.

"Why not, Alex?" David asked me with raised eyebrows.

"Yeah, Mommy, why not?" asked Severus.

I was about to say 'because I said so,' but I promised myself that I would never do that.

I sighed, "Fine go," I said wearily.

Severus looked at me questionably and stayed put.

My tone softened, "it's okay, Sev, you may go play."

With that he grinned at me and took off into the field with his cake.

"Stay where I can see you," I called after him, "And please don't eat all that cake."

"You're a good mother," David said in a soft whisper.

"Thank you," I said with half a smile, "I try to be."

"Who is Severus's father?" David asked.

"So your uncle died and left you everything, huh?" I said roughly, completely ignoring the question.

"Yeah," said David confusedly. His expression then turned to concern and I knew I was not going to get off that easily.

"So how did he die?" I asked with the same rough, disinterested tone.

"Cancer," David said quickly. "Who is the father?" David asked again.

"Severus doesn't have a father," I told him flatly.

"Why is it a secret?" David asked me with wide eyes. He did not know when to drop it.

"This is none of your business." I said harshly. "Tell me about art school." The sun was nearly set, quickly casting the world into darkness.

"Don't you see that I want to make it my business?" David said quickly, grabbing both of my hands in his.

I pulled them away.

"This has nothing to do with you!" I said forcefully.

"Alex," David uttered in a most gentle tone. It rang through my ears and made me shiver.

I stood and turned my back to him. "Don't say my name like that." My voice shook violently.

I heard him stand too. He was behind me now. "Like what, Alex?" he whispered in my ear.

"Don't say my name like you love me," I cried. "You don't even know me."

"I do know you," David said desperately.

"The girl you _knew_ is not who I am anymore," I said. "You don't know me now!"

He spun me around and wrapped me in his arms. The sun had fallen below the horizon; it was night once more. "I want to know you now," He said almost violently.

"No you don't," I whispered.

He brought me in closer to him. One hand ran through my hair. "I can sense how you feel right now," he said. "I know because I feel exactly the same way. You have been through hell," he stroked my hair again, "can't even imagine." He paused and touched his lips to my head. "Don't fight this." I heard a sob in the back of his throat. "Give me your secrets," he whispered.

"They are not your burden to bear," I spoke more strongly this time.

"What if I want to bear them?" he asked in a broken voice.

"You obsessed over a dead girl for over six year," I said cruelly. "Who does that?"

He pulled me closer. "Don't even lie to yourself, Alex Snape. If the situations had been reversed you would be exactly where I am now."

"What makes you so sure?" I asked coldly, fighting the desire to let myself melt into him.

"Because I can feel it within me. I feel you as if you are a part of myself. It is like our souls match, like we are drawn to each other. What were the odds that we would move to the same town and found each other again? Tell me that is not the work of fate! No," he corrected, "it is more like the work of magic! Don't you feel the magic between us, Alex?"

"David, stop it!" I cried.

"It courses through our very veins!" He exclaimed.

I fought against him now.

He let me go at once.

My whole body screamed as he pulled away from me. Angry tears ran down my cheeks.

"Alex," he said in the same loving tone as before. "Tell me everything,"

"No," I sobbed.

He sighed. "Tell me who Severus's father is."

"He's dead," I spat.

David grabbed my face and brushed away my tears with his thumbs.

"Did you love him?" David asked bravely.

I pulled away with disgust and turned towards the field. "Where's Severus?" I couldn't see him anymore. "Severus" I called into the field.

There was no answer.

"Severus," David yelled too.

Still nothing.

"Severus!" I called again as I walked into the tall grass.

It was dark now; where was my son?


	52. Chapter 51

Chapter 51

Like Father Like Son

(Same day)

"Severus!" I screamed hysterically.

"Severus!" yelled David. "Alex," David turned to me. "Alex, don't worry he is out here somewhere. You go that way," he pointed to the left. "And I will go that way," he pointed in the opposite direction.

I nodded.

When David's back was safely turned, I reached for my wand in my pocket hoping to be able to find Severus by magic but before I could do this David called out to me.

"Alex," David said. "I found him." I heard David chuckle. "Alex, come here; you have to see this."

I ran towards him. He was barely five yards away. _Why didn't Severus answer us?_ I wondered.

David held out his hand to me. I ignored it and looked down into the grass.

At first I was not sure what I was looking at; it didn't make any sense in my mind; I wouldn't accept it.

I saw my son sitting innocently, with his legs crossed. The large piece of chocolate cake sat beside him, practically untouched.

Somewhere far away David laughed again. I didn't understand why.

Severus's head was bowed. He was looking at something, something he was holding, but what.

As if in slow motion I bent down to get a better look.

The wind blew softly through the air, creating a low hissing whisper in my ears.

But no, the hissing was not the wind. The hissing was smoothly flowing from my son's lips and in his hand was a small green snake.

The snake's head bobbed back and forth as if nodding, listening to what my son was saying.

The snake hissed back in the same tongue.

A sound, half shriek, half sob erupted from me. I was suddenly doubled up in agony. I fell to my knees and pried the snake away from my son and tossed it aside. It quickly slithered away.

Severus looked at me with angry eyes.

"Why did you do that, Mommy?" He yelled at me.

I pulled my son to me and kissed his head repeatedly. He pulled away from me.

"Alex," David said with alarm. "It was just a garden snake, nothing to worry about. It wasn't going to hur-"

I threw David a piercing glare and he silenced immediately.

"Why didn't you answer us when we were calling you?" I asked Severus heatedly. My hands were tight on his shoulders. Severus tried to resist.

"Why did you throw the Snake, Mommy?" Severus screamed, angry tears began to fall from his eyes while hot scared tears poured from my eyes.

"Answer my question, Severus!" I sobbed.

Severus stopped trying to pull away from me and wiped away his tears at once. He began instantly calmer and eyed me thoughtfully.

"I didn't hear you," Severus told me.

"What do you mean you didn't hear us? We were calling for you so loudly," I cried.

"I didn't hear you," Severus assured me through narrowed eyes. He was still angry. "I was not listening to you."

Tears continued to roll down my cheeks. "Why?" I asked through a sob.

"Because, Mommy," Severus said defiantly. "I was talking to the Snake."

The words rang through my ears over and over again. With each time I heard the words replayed it was as if a knife was being driven deeper and deeper, twisting inside my ribcage.

"What did the snake say to you?" I asked softly in attempt to keep the hysterics out of my voice. My tone still shook violently and the knife had almost made its way completely through me.

"Alex?" David asked with shock.

"David, be quiet!" I snapped.

"Alex," David said anyway, "he was just playing."

"No, he wasn't," I said in an almost in audible whisper. "No," I moaned to myself. I slowly fell backward into the dirt. I brought my knees to my chest, "No, no, no." I was falling back further, much further, much too far. Why wouldn't it go away?

I was in that room again. That tiny side room in Malfoy Manor. _It is dark except for the low flickering embers of the dying fire in the corner and the light that comes from beyond the open door. But I look away from the open door because I know who is going to walk through it at any moment. I sit on the ice stone floor with my knees to my chest. My breathing comes out in quick, sharp, stabs. I can't seem to fill my lungs. My heart sends hot lead into my veins, further anchoring me to the spot. I am isolated from the outside world, trapped in a tiny cage of black ice. I cannot feel, hear, or remember anything past this room, this moment._

_The door shuts with a slow creak. _

_I sink completely; I am part of the floor._

_There is a soft thud as a great snake falls to the ground from his master's shoulders. It begins to slither towards me._

_I don't look up. I won't, not yet._

_I hear bare feet slap against the floor. The footsteps get progressively louder as the walker gets closer and closer and closer. I feel the snake slither pass me. I shiver as its cold scales brush my skin. _

_I hear the sharp inhale of breath and then I feel the cold exhale on my face and it pours down my neck._

_I force myself to look up and there, inches away, are those horrible red eyes, glowing from the dim light of the fire. They are hungry._

_I don't put up a fight; I cannot put up a fight. _

_ The eyes get closer._

_ I lean away from them._

_ They get closer._

_ I continue to lean back, but the eyes get closer._

_ I lean until I am flat on the floor, nowhere else to go._

_ The lipless mouth lets out a low hiss. I feel the heavy snake slither over my legs. My hands are held back. Thousands of icicles pin my skin to the floor._

_ My heart freezes, sticking itself to my spine. _

_ Then there is a weight covering me, breaking me, shattering my frozen form until I am just a thousand pieces of broken ice. _

_ The weight goes and I am left to melt into a puddle._

A little hand touched my cheek.

"Mommy," said my angel's voice.

I touched the hand on my cheek.

"Mommy," said Severus again. "I'm sorry," a sob entered his voice. His anger had evaporated. "Mommy, I promise I did not say anything bad to the snake. I just was asking him if he wanted some cake too because you said I couldn't have it all and the snake said he didn't want any and then, Mommy, he told me that he didn't usually talk to people."

"Okay, Baby," I wept.

"Mommy, did I do something wrong?" Severus asked me worriedly.

I shook my head.

"Is it bad to talk to snakes, Mommy?" he asked still unconvinced.

"No," I sobbed.

"Mommy?" Severus cried.

My face fell into my hands and I rocked back and forth.

"Alex?"

I felt a warm hand on my shoulder.

"I am going to take you into the house, okay," said David from miles away and the next moment I was in his arms headed back inside. "Come on, Severus," David called behind him.

"Is Mommy going to be alright?" Severus asked wetly.

"Yes," David assured him. "She is just really sleepy," he said roughly.

I almost chuckled at his comment. I buried my face in his chest; it was warm and dark and he smelled so good. The ice was melting. I was coming back.

"Severus," said David, "I am going to take your mom upstairs to rest, you like TV right?" I felt as David's body tilted and he took one hand off me to grab something else, evidently a remote control. I heard the television flip on. "Here, go to Town, Kid," said David. I knew he was handing Severus the remote.

"I want to be with Mommy," Severus cried.

I finally looked up. Both Severus and David were eyeing me nervously.

"David," I said with force calm. "Thank you, but you can put me down now."

David gave me a long skeptical look.

"I'm fine," I said my face growing hot.

I could tell he didn't buy it, but he slowly set me down anyway.

My head spun a little and my legs wobbled at first, but soon I was calm, cool and collected as always…yeah, I wished, but really I was fine, fine enough at least.

Severus was wide eyed and he let out a perceptible sniff.

"Severus," I whispered.

He held out his arms to me. I carefully picked him up, trying not to fall backwards.

He tightly wrapped his legs around my waist and his arms around my neck

"Mommy," he sobbed into my shoulder.

I squeezed my eyes tight and then opened them again. "I'm so sorry, Baby; I didn't mean to scare you."

"Was it my fault?" Severus cried.

"No," I said beginning to cry again too. "None of it is your fault. You have done nothing wrong."

At the sound of my cries Severus began to sob harder. I could feel his hot tears run down my shirt. How could I have lost it like this? How could I have created such a mess?

I sniffed and tried to swallow my weak feelings, to _feel nothing_.

I felt as my emotions sank within me, causing a horrible pressure in my chest and stomach.

I turned to look at David, trying to not really look at him.

"We should be going now," I said coldly as if this man had not just cooked for me, helped me find my son and then carried me inside.

"There are no buses this late," David said shortly.

"I wasn't planning on taking a bus," I said moving towards the front door.

"A cab then?" asked David stepping in my path.

_No._ "Yeah sure," I said, "let's go with that." I brushed my hand through Severus's hair to sooth him.

David looked confused for a moment but then disregarded what I said. "I am not going to let you leave when you are like this," he told me firmly.

"Like what?" I snapped.

"_Really sleepy_," David said, his tone strongly meaning 'Unstable.'

"I'm fine," I said stiffly.

"Spend the night," he said.

"No way," I said.

"I'm not going to let you leave."

"I'd like to see you try."

"Oh I'm really frightened," said David mockingly. "But really, you are staying here tonight and it is not going to be as bad as you think," he smirked.

I looked at him with confusion.

"It will be very G rated. You and Severus will sleep upstairs in my bed," I felt my stomach involuntarily do a summersault, "And I will sleep down here on the couch."

"No," I said.

"You can leave first thing in the morning," he told me.

"I will leave now," I said moving towards the door. David stepped in front of me again.

"It would be better if you stayed," David said seriously.

I was about to retort when Severus looked up from my shoulder. His eyes were red and puffy and there was a thin worry line in between his eye brows.

"I think we should stay, Mommy," he said with a shaking voice.

And that did it.

David clapped his hands once. "It's settled then," he announced. "It will be just like a slumber party," he leered at me mockingly. "Come upstairs then."


	53. Chapter 52

Chapter 52

The Truth

(Same day)

I stood in the doorway of David's bedroom, Severus in my arms. He was so still and quiet. He seemed to be asleep, but when I awkwardly turned my head to look, I saw that his eyes were wide open, staring at nothing.

I stepped further inside the room.

The room was not nearly as bland as the rest of the house. I got the impression that David spent a great deal of time in this room.

An old fashioned mahogany dresser with a mirror rested against the wall across from the four poster bed. A few framed photos sat on the dresser; they all seemed to be of Sparky, David's childhood golden retriever. I ran my hand over one on of the pictures, remembering that dog eating my Popsicle when I was six and David laughing.

One of the dresser drawers was left open and I nonchalantly looked inside. There were about a thousand Reese's peanut butter cup wrappers in there and a half bottle of whisky. A drawer I thought I might visit again later.

The walls were painted bleach white which was a drastic contrast with the thick red wine colored curtains.

I walked over to the nightstand and turned on the frilly old fashioned lamp that rested there. A worn sketch pad lay next to the lamp, flipped open to a scribbled grocery list: MILK, TOILET PAPER, REESE'S

I half smiled to myself.

I heard footsteps behind me.

David stood in the door way looking at me thoughtfully.

I sighed at him and moved aside as he went to strip the unmade sheets off the bed and began replacing them with fresh crisp ones.

When he was finished he gazed at me again. I blushed and looked down.

I heard him move around the room and open drawers. When I sensed him near me again I turned my gaze up and saw that he was holding a small pile of clothes.

"Here," he said as he put the pile on the freshly made bed. "You and Severus can sleep in these.

"Thank you," I muttered.

"Thanks, Mr. Harper," whispered Severus.

I put Severus down on the bed gently and then turned my attention towards David.

"I will be just right down stairs if you need anything," he said seriously, eyeing me cautiously. He probably thinks I am a nutcase. Suddenly he reached out to me and drew me close to him. "Someday you will explain everything to me," he whispered in my ear and then he kissed my forehead and left the room.

I took in a large gulp of air, not even wanting to think about anything. I felt so emotionally drained.

I looked down at the clothes on the bed. David had left us one of his t-shirts and a flannel button down pajama top, that I assumed was for me.

"Severus," I whispered.

"Yes, Mommy," he said softly.

"I love you," I said.

"I love you too, Mommy," he told me.

I proceeded to help Severus out of his clothes and put him in David's t-shirt, which fell to below his knees. Then I quickly undressed and threw on the flannel night shirt that fell too far above my knees.

Severus and I got under the covers. The sweet smell that David carried danced in the air of the room and within the fibers of the clothes and bedding.

I turned out the light of the frilly lamp and Severus cuddled up to me.

Severus sniffed into my chest.

"Don't worry, Sev," I uttered. "Everything will be better in the morning."

And then we fell asleep.

The sun was slowly ascending in the sky and its light ly snuck through the thick curtains of David's bedroom.

Severus sat up in the bed wide eyed next to his mother. Although it was not the dim light in the room that had woken him. His mother beside him tossed and turned in her sleep. The blanks that had covered them both had been kicked onto the floor and the full extent of the restless woman was exposed. Severus's mother kicked her bare legs around and low mumbles and moans escaped her sleeping lips.

Little Severus was not alarmed by his mother's state, for he had seem it's likeness on many occasions. Severus knew that his mother had bad dreams. Several nights when he had climbed into bed with her he had had this same experience and sometimes he would hear his mother's shrieks in the night from his bedroom. This was normal.

Severus touched his mother's hair and stroked it twice. His mother seemed to ease at her son's gentle touch and stopped tossing.

"Rest now, Mommy," Severus soothed.

Severus climbed out of bed quietly and picked up a sheet from the floor. He recovered his mother and left the room without waking her up.

He slowly descended the stairs. He left out a little shiver as his bare feet touched the cold wooden floor.

Once Severus reached the landing he followed the sound of snores to the living room where the artist was asleep in his underwear on the couch that was too small for him.

Severus poked the man's bare chest with his finger. The artist snorted once and then continued sleeping.

Severus poked the man again but this time the man stirred and then rolled off the sofa and onto the floor with a spat.

"Shit," David said from the cold floor. "Oh what the hell," he said with confusion as he rubbed his tired eyes.

David looked up to see the kid standing over him grinning to see him on the floor.

"Morning," David groaned as he stood.

"Good morning," Severus said.

David looked around for his slacks. He saw them sprawled at the other end of the room and he went to retrieve them. "What can I do for you, Kido," said David as he climbed into his pants.

"I'm hungry," said Severus.

David glanced at his watch it was 5:30. "Of course," he said to himself.

Severus was standing patiently swinging his arms in the oversized navy t-shirt of David's. David couldn't help but smile as he looked at the child. He was, after all, a very cute kid, although he didn't resemble his mother much at all. David tried to find Alex's likeness in the boy, but he was forced to conclude that the boy must take after his father and whoever his father was he must have been really good looking.

David scowled at the thought.

"Come on, Severus," David said as he sleepily walked over to the kitchen.

In the kitchen David picked Severus up and sat him on the counter's stool. Severus smiled, excited to be on the high seat.

David opened the refrigerator and examined the content. It was practically empty except for last night's left overs and a single egg.

"Do you like eggs?" asked David, "or in this case an egg."

"I only like eggs that Mommy makes," Severus explained. "I have tried other people's eggs and don't like them, so I don't see why your eggs would be any different."

"Okay then," David said. So the pulled out the platter with the chocolate cake on it and put it in front of the kid and then handed him a fork. "Okay have at it."

"Mommy never lets me have cake for breakfast," Severus pointed out.

"What your mommy doesn't know won't hurt her," David told him.

Severus thought about this for a moment but decided that chocolate cake this good couldn't possibly be a bad thing and took a huge forkful off the top of the cake.

"Do I have to call you Mr. Harper?" Severus asked, "because I don't like that name much."

David rolled his eyes. "Sure kid, call me whatever the heck you want."

"I'm thirsty," said Severus.

David moved to get him a cup of water.

I woke up very confused. At first I forgot where I was; the vivid images of my nightmares flooded back to the front of my mind and I looked around the room wildly expecting to see Lord Voldemort's icy stare.

But soon I became familiar with my surroundings.

"David," I sighed with a mixture of affection and irritation. I climbed out of bed and was about to get dressed when I heard a huge clattering sound coming from downstairs.

"FUCK!" carried David's voice.

I picked up my wand then sprinted downstairs and into the kitchen. Severus was crying on one of the kitchen stools and David was on the floor looking terrified.

I hurried to pick up Severus. I slid in getting there, because the floor was soaking wet.

I took Severus up into my arms and turned to David angrily.

"What did you do?" I accused.

Stunned, David shook his head wildly and pointed at Severus as if he was the playground tattletale.

I looked down at him.

Severus met my gaze tearfully. "I was bad, Mommy," he cried.

"What happened?" I asked my son.

"I was thirsty," Severus told me.

I suddenly became very aware of my wet feet. I looked at David again.

David stood slowly with his back pressed against the wall.

"It was raining," David whispered.

I looked outside. The sun was shining. "We live in Washington, David, rain happens." I dismissed.

"No, no," David shook his head wildly again. "It was raining in the house!" David half shrieked.

"I'm sorry, Mommy," Severus said unhelpfully.

"Don't be silly, son," I stressed.

"It had to do with him!" David pointed at Severus again.

I slapped his hand down. "Will you stop that," I demanded. "I am sure there is a logical explanation for all of this."

"There is nothing _logical_ about what just happened!" David exclaimed.

"Don't be ridiculous," I said.

"I am not ridiculous!" David said. "You are just unreasonable!"

"How am I being unreasonable?" I asked incredulously. "I am so sorry that I am not rationalizing with an insane person!"

"I am not insane," David said defensively. "Look at Severus," David gestured to my crying child. "He knows he did something!"

"How do you explain that my five year old did this," I gestured around the damp room with the free hand not holding Severus. "He is upset because you swore at him! He is five!" And then it hit me. Severus was five. How could he have produced this much magic at age five? This is unheard of!

"You should have seen him, Alex! He knew what he was doing," David said.

"And what exactly was he doing?" I asked roughly.

"I-I don't know what to call it," David said frustrated. "All I know is that you and your whole family are strange. You were strange when I first met you and you are still strange now. Weird things kept happening around you. Growing up, anytime anything freaky would ever happen, you would be involved. Then you died! And now you are back! You are back and you are still strange and now you have a strange kid!"

I stared at him, steaming with anger. I was trying to find something really horrible to say, but nothing I wanted Severus to hear.

"I didn't die," I hissed at him. "I already explained that to you remember! And if you think I am so strange why did you invite us here?"

"I invited you because I-" he cut off. "You keep saying things and I know you are not being truthful."

I couldn't think of anything to say.

"I want you to tell me the truth. The whole truth," David said.

"Why do you need to know?" I asked with exasperation.

"Because I want to know you," David said.

"What if you don't," I whispered. "What if the truth is too much to handle?"

"Try me," said David.

I sighed and set Severus down on the puddled floor. I looked down at my son and winked. "Let's clean up shall we?" Severus wiped away his tears at once and smiled. I raised my wand that had been in my hand all along and with one swift wave the water evaporated.

"What just happened?" David whispered looking around. "Oh my god!"

"Well," I said softly. "Now you know the truth. I am a witch."

"A witch," he mouthed.

"Yep…a broom riding, cauldron stirring, witch," I told him matter-of-factly. "And Severus is a wizard."

"What?" David said breathlessly. "What!" he said a bit louder. He started shaking his head wildly. "I wasn't- I mean- you are- that doesn't exist!"

"Sorry to break it to you but," I said, "it does."

"I am hallucinating this whole thing!" David said hysterically. "This is not happening, it is all in my head. You are not really here. You are still dead! I am probably not even here. I am in some padded room somewhere talking to myself." David started to hyperventilate.

"Hold up," I said quickly. "Calm down!"

"Calm down! Calm down! How am I supposed to calm down?" David cried.

"I assure you this is actually happening," I said.

"Oh that is reassuring," David said sarcastically.

"It's okay," I tried to calm him.

"Are you even human?" he asked.

"I am human," I said a little offended.

"I thought you may have been a spy or something," David said.

"What?" I said.

"I wasn't expecting this," David replied.

"Well I would hope not," I said.

"What else can you do?" David asked timidly.

I smirked. "I can bewitch your mind and ensnare your senses," I hissed. "If I wanted to I could make you my puppet."

"But you wouldn't," David said nervously.

"If I wanted to I would have done it years ago," I told him.

"Right," he said wide eyed.

"Are you scared?" I asked.

David stared at me for a long moment. "Scared shitless," he said, but then he tried to smile.

"I can make your fear go away," I whispered. "I can make you forget that you ever saw anything strange." I pointed my wand at his face.

"Don't point that goddam twig in my face," David said.

I was about to ignore him and wipe his memory when something stopped me. I lowered my arm and he jumped back as I brought my wand down. I turned the wand over in my hand then gave it to David to hold. He reached out slowly and examined it.

"The rest of your family?" David asked.

"My mom and sister, but my dad wasn't," I said.

"Your dad was like me," David said pointing to himself.

"Yes," I assured him.

"And he was okay with all this?" David asked.

"Yes," I said swiftly.

"And he and your mother were very happy together?"

"Very happy," I told him.

David remained silent for a few moments in deep thought. He then looked up at me shyly. "I always knew you were special," He muttered.

I blushed.

"What else can you do?" David asked again. "Why do you need to use that stick thing and Severus doesn't? If witches are real" his eyes widened, "what else is out there?"

I smiled in spite of myself. "You better sit down," I said to him. He did and then story time began with lots of help from Severus. David had a billion questions, but seemed to deal with the fact that he had been living a lie for his whole life quite well. As I told him secret after secret about the wizarding world I began to feel an extreme sense of fulfillment. Letting David into my magical world was like breaking a barrier between my two selves that had not been allowed to meet in years. I felt whole and somehow I knew that I would never be lonely again.

Note from Author:

For those who have asked or were wondering Draco is coming back in the next chapter.


	54. Epilogue

Epilogue

**(****2007****-**2009)

The years passed and soon I realized that my life had become more gain than loss and so full of love. Severus welcomed David into our little family more than willingly and soon after that he gained a little sister, my baby Sidney.

Severus grew up perfectly, kind and considerate, a wonderful son and great big brother and he became even smarted and more powerful than I could have even dreamed. He was curious of course and thirsty for information. He read hundreds of books on every subject and expanded his understanding of the world both muggle and magical. He especially was interested in the war against Lord Voldemort. He asked me questions about it constantly but I never knew how to answer them. How much I wanted to keep the whole subject hidden from him, but David told me that he would have to know at some point, so we let Severus investigate deeper into the subject.

I remember his initial excitement as he first spotted his name sake in a text book, but then that excitement faded as he learned more about the late Severus Snape.

"He was a deatheater," Severus said indignantly. "Why would you name me after a deatheater?"

"He was a deatheater," I explained solemnly, "but he was a good man and the bravest man I ever knew." Severus knew all the stories of bravery and sacrifice regarding his cousin, but he seemed blinded by the bad, especially when he found a way to get his hands on Rita Skeeter's book _Severus Snape: Saint or Scoundrel _, a piece of literature that I would have never allowed in my house right along with _The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore_.

"Look, Sev," I told him one night after he had once again asked about his naming. "I know what you must think, but deatheater or not, Severus Snape was a good man and I trusted him." I unconsciously touched my left forearm. "Sometimes good people find themselves in difficult situations, but it is the decisions we make that define us. I named you Severus to remind you that no matter what you can always choose good over evil."

"Like you?" Severus asked me. He then showed me the page in his book that talked about the trial of an accused Deatheater, the cousin of the late Severus Snape and the first antilegilimens in two centuries.

I had no choice but to tell him the truth about my past as a deatheater. Severus was quick to accept my claims and seemed sympathetic to both me and my cousin Severus when he knew all the facts. Not to mention the fact that the Snape family was defended by none other than Harry Potter, who Severus idolized. So if he had not accepted the story of his own mother, I could have always validated my claims with the support of the chosen one.

By the end of a several hour discussion, which followed this new found information, consisting of Severus repeatedly asking why I had kept this from him and me not having a valid answer, he knew most of the important facts. He knew most of the facts, but not all of them, not the most important fact of them all.

More time passed and with it brought new and more disturbing questions.

Although, Severus accepted David as his father, he always questioned me who he was really related too. For years I got away with telling him that he would know when he was older, but by his ninth birthday, he declared to me and the rest of the world that he was mature enough to know the truth about his parentage. Of course he was right. It was not fair to keep such a secret from him.

I knew I would have to say the words at some point, but even the years of practicing the speech in my head did not prepare the words to pass through my lips.

"Your father," I said, "your real father-" I stopped myself. "Your biological father, Severus, David is your real father blood doesn't matter."

"Just tell me," Severus pressed me coolly.

"Over the years, with all that you have read, you must have suspected that-" I cut myself off.

"I have wondered," Severus admitted with wide eyes, "but they are not true, they can't be true, Mom, tell me that they are not true!" he cried.

"Severus," I tried to keep the hysterics out of my voice. "You are an extraordinary wizard, you have inherited my power of antilegilency and you have also inherited powers from another, but that is all you have inherited from him, Severus! You have power like him, but you are not like him at all."

"I can speak to snakes," he said meekly.

"Yes," I uttered.

"My father could speak to snakes," it wasn't a question.

"Yes," I said.

"Mom," Severus begged. "Just say it please. Just say the words so I can hear them once and for all. I need to know."

"Your father…" I trailed off.

"Say it!" Severus shouted.

"…is Lord Voldemort," I finished breathlessly as if I had just run a race.

A look of pure disgusted fell over his face. I further explained. I told my son everything there was to know. There were no more secrets.

"You are not him, Severus," I concluded gently.

"All those horrible things," Severus said. "He killed so many people."

"You are not him, Severus," I repeated.

More time passed and slowly Severus was able to accept his parentage. At first he said he felt as though one half of him had fallen away. All children, especially, little boys want to look up to their fathers and feel proud of them, but Severus could do neither. The only thing that made it better was David, who adopted Severus as his own and loved him with all the fatherly affection as if Severus was his own flesh and blood.

When the months drew closer to Severus's eleventh birthday he asked me about schools. I had always planned to send him to the highly respected wizarding institute in Salem Massachusetts, but Severus asked if he could go to Hogwarts. My initial thought was _absolutely not!_ There was just too much history there, too much history that connected back to Severus. But then how could I deny him the chance to go to Hogwarts, how could I deny him the right to that history, though littered with bad, also filled with good? I knew I could not protect him forever so I gave my consent.

I missed my son the second he left my arms and boarded the Hogwarts Express. David and Sidney and I came back to America without him, feeling incomplete as a family, but we didn't have to wait long for word of Severus.

Nearly the moment we got home from London we spotted a grey barn owl waiting for us outside the kitchen window, attached to its ankle a letter from Severus.

I opened the window to the let the owl inside. I gave it a bit of bread and water as I detached the letter from its leg. Useless glared at the bird untrustingly and the owl let out a loud squawk that sent our cat under an arm chair.

As the owl defiantly gave a final look towards the cat and flew out the window I opened the letter. It said the following:

Dear Mom, Dad and Sidney,

I hope that you all are well. I am. Mom, Hogwarts is all that you told me and more. My classes are everything I hoped for. I especially like transfiguration and potions. I did not think that I would like herbology, but Professor Longbottom is my favorite teacher.

You will be happy to hear that I have not got a detention yet and I am making friends. But I am sure what you really want to know is what house I have been sorted into.

The sorting hat spent a very long time placing me into a house. I spent at least ten minutes waiting for it to make up its mind. The hat was torn between two of the houses, Ravenclaw and Slytherin. It gave me a choice and I chose to be in Slytherin.

I decided I cannot spend my whole life running from him. I cannot live in fear that I will become like him. To avoid Slytherin seemed as if I were running away. And I am no such coward! I did not choose Slytherin to prove how we are alike but how we are different. I will stride to be brave like my cousin, but also learn from his mistakes and never stray from the path of good.

His portrait, in addition to hanging in the headmistress's office, hangs in the Slytherin common room. I was told that he does not like to spend much time in that frame, but the night of the sorting I could not sleep and came down to the common room when it was empty. The dark likeness of Professor Severus Snape stood in his frame. He surveyed me for a long time, it was clear that he knew exactly who I was. I gave him a welcoming nod which he returned and then as he sunk into the dark background of his painting I thought I saw a small smile spread across his lips. I hope to see more of him in the future. For as long as I have his portrait around as a reminder I know that all is well.

Severus


	55. Extras

**Note from Author: I was very unsure how to bring this story to a close. Here I am sharing two of the final chapters I wrote before deciding that they did not fit in the story. I am also including a brief portion of a chapter that I took out of the middle.**

Chapter 53

Draco's Return

**Note from Author: This chapter was taken out because it just cased unnecessary stress in the character's lives when the story was ready to be ended. Plus it felt a bit (actually a lot) like a trashy soap opera. It is pretty crappy. But if you are interested in reading it here it is. **

(September 3, 2003)

David burst through the front door with Severus riding on his shoulders.

"Take me out to the ball game, take me out to the crowd," David sang up to Severus.

"Buy me some peanuts and apples," shouted Severus.

David reached up and pulled Severus off him and placed him on the ground. "No, Sev, it is 'buy me some peanuts and applejacks,'" David told him. **(So after I wrote this I realized that the words are "buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks" Applejacks is a breakfast cereal…so apparently like me David is not a very big sports fan and has absolutely no idea what he is talking about.)**

"But I just want an apple," Severus argued.

"Fine," sighed David and then grinned at my son. "Do what you want then."

"I will," Severus proclaimed.

David looked up at me. I was in the kitchen making dinner. "Don't you have something for your mother?" David asked Severus without taking his eyes from me.

I blushed deeply.

"Oh yeah," Severus cried. "Mommy, look what I got!"

Severus ran to me and held out a baseball in his little fist.

I knelt down next to him.

"This is for you, Mommy!" he said excitedly, handing me the ball. I took it with a smile. "David has one and so do I," Severus explained. He pulled another baseball out of his jacket pocket. The balls were worn and dirty, not the brand new kind that you could by in the gift shop.

"Three?" I questioned with raised eyebrows.

"Yeah," David exclaimed. "It was amazing. Three balls just came right to him and he caught them all in his hat."

"Really now?" I said as I straightened up, an edge to my voice.

"It was incredible," David smiled proudly at Severus.

"Yeah," I said looking down at my son, "Incredible, just like magic."

Severus looked down at the floor.

"Oh," said David as everything began to make sense.

"Severus you know you are not supposed to do magic in public," I told him sternly.

"I'm sorry, Mommy," he said, "I'm sorry."

"Are you really?" I asked.

Severus thought about this for a minute and then shook his head. "I wanted to get you a present," he said sweetly.

I sighed. "Go get cleaned up for dinner, okay?" I said. "And we will talk about this later."

He was about to run off but before he could I caught him in my arms and kissed him on the cheek. "Okay now you can go," I said.

He laughed and ran to wash up.

"I'm sorry," David told me as I walk over to the stove.

"It is not your fault," I assured him. My brows knit together with concern. "I am just starting to worry," I blurted. "Since his powers started to show he has gained a lot of control over them."

"Isn't that good?" David asked, walking over to me.

"I don't know," I admitted. "It is not common for a young witch or wizard, who is wand-less, to be able to control their powers like Severus is doing."

"Well he is just gifted, I guess," David whispered to me. He wrapped his arms around my waist from behind. I instinctively tensed up, but then remembered that it was okay to relax with him. David squeezed me tighter and kissed my neck gently. Shivers spilled down my spine.

Since our reunion at his art shop, David had not tried to kiss me on my lips. I knew that he was waiting for me to make the next move, as if a kiss would seal the deal. Although there was lots of hugging and hand holding and once in a while he would kiss me on the neck, cheek or forehead as if to say "See what you could have? Aren't you tempted? Wouldn't you like more?"

And the truth was that I would, but yet there was still a gaging feeling I got every time I thought about getting intimate with David, a mixture of fear and self-consciousness. I felt like damaged good and I was just so afraid that when he realized that he would leave. But so far he remained ignorant to the fact that I could never deserve him. He was so whole and pure and happy…and I, well, I was a fragile collection of broken pieces taped together, ready to fall apart at any minute.

I turned around from my cooking, twisting in his arms. I let my cheek rest against his shoulder, if only for a moment I could enjoy being in his embrace and forget that I did not belong there.

I looked up at him and he smiled at me as if he were the happiest person alive.

I instantly pulled away from him. His smile faded at once. I knew I was frustrating him…but he was frustrating me too. Not only was he completely wonderful and completely out of my reach, but he kept dangling himself in front of me. He was at my apartment almost every day and on top of it all he had become Severus's knew BFF. So there was not room to forget him or my feelings for him, even when he was not around.

David sighed and moved away from me. I turned back to my cooking.

"If you are bothered so much by it perhaps you should just leave," I said coldly.

"Why do you have to do that," he said exasperatedly.

"Do what?" I asked roughly.

"Push me away," he said matter-of-factly.

I ignored him.

"See it confuses me when I know how you feel and yet you still put up a wall," he said.

"I don't put up a wall and I like having you around and Severus does but that is it," I told him harshly. I forced myself to look at him to see if my message was received. My heart stung as I caught his gaze. The hurt was obvious in his eyes. You can do so much better than me, I thought.

"Why did you tell me your secret?" David asked for the hundredth time, trying to get me to admit that I told him about the wizarding world because I needed him to know, because I was lonely, because I wanted to share that part of me with him, because I- Well it did not matter why, anyway that was not my real secret. My real secret was buried deep inside me and the only other people that new about it were dead. It was my burden to bear; someday it would be Severus's too, but not today.

"I told you because you saw Severus do magic," I lied.

"But you could have modified my memory," David pointed out. I had told him too much to be dishonest.

"David," I signed with exasperation. "Let's not have this conversation right now, please."

"Okay," said David hardly. "Then let's talk about something else."

"Fine," I said.

"Let's talk about Severus's father," David retorted.

"I told you he's-"

"Yeah dead, I know," David started. "Did he have magic too?"

"David!" I half shouted. "I don't-"

"Yeah I know you don't want to talk about it," he said with no remorse. "Did he have control over his magic like Severus."

"He was nothing like Severus," I said firmly.

"Could he speak to snakes too?"

"SHUT UP!" I screamed at him.

David backed off from me.

I grabbed the counter for support. "Shut up," I said weakly. As if David had pushed a button in my heart, tears started running down my cheeks.

"Alex?" David said with alarm.

"Can you just go check on Severus," I said softly.

"But-"

"Please, David," I said wearily turning away from him. I felt his eyes on me for several moments before he left the room.

Wiping my face with a kitchen towel I began to ladle soup into three bowls and put it on the table.

Then there was a knock on the door.

I gave my eyes a final rub before hurrying to answer the door.

I stood on my toes to look through the peep hole and my heart stopped.

"Oh my god," I breathed pressing my back against the door for support, "Oh my god."

Another knock came just above my right shoulder.

I took in a deep breath and opened the door.

"Draco," I was barely able to say.

Standing in my doorway was Draco Malfoy, five years older, blond, and sneering but just as handsome as ever. He wore a black suit and black button down shirt that was a shocking and impressive contrast with his pale skin and white blond hair.

His grey eyes poured into mine, like they had many times before.

This is not happening to me, I thought desperately.

"Hello, Alex," Draco said.

"Oh God," I breathed grasping my chest.

"It's been a while," said Draco.

"Oh yeah," I said in a panic.

"Surprised to see me?" he asked, leaning in and kissing me right on the mouth. I froze on the spot

"Wh-what are you doing here?" I stammered.

"Well," said Draco reaching out to stroke my cheek. I pulled back before he could touch me. Draco took that as an invitation to come inside. He stepped over the threshold and began looking around at my apartment with a scowl. "Well," he began again, "I am getting married actually," he told me as he walked into my kitchen and stirred to pot of soup still on the stove. "In three days."

"Oh," I said lamely, wondering how this was at all relevant to my life.

"Yes, Astoria Greengrass," said Draco, "lovely girl, Slytherin and pure-blood."

"She sounds delightful," I said starting to get some sarcasm back.

Draco turned away from the soup and walked towards me again. "Yes," said Draco, "Everything is in order, all the plans made, although," he paused. "There has been something nagging at me for quite a while now." He stood directly in front of me now.

"And what is that?" I asked him.

He grabbed my waist in his hands and pulled me towards him. "You," he hissed.

"Me?" I questioned trying to pull away, but Draco pulled me closer to him.

"Yes you," he said putting his face closer to mine. Images flashed into the front of my mind of our nights together.

I shook my head as if to try to get the memories out through my ears.

"Oh don't worry," said Draco releasing me. "I haven't come all this way to seduce you…sorry."

"Pity," I told him through pursed lips.

"I can because I was," he thought about this for a moment. "Worried is not quite the right word. Anyway, I wanted to make sure you were not starving or living in a dumpster or something like that."

"It has been more than five years," I pointed out. "I could very well have been dead by now."

"Not likely," said Draco, "you are too clever and stubborn to die."

"Well thanks, I guess," I told him.

"Well now that I see you are okay I can get married with a clear conscious."

"Good for you," I said coldly.

"You are awfully snarky today," said Draco. "Aren't you happy to see me? Just a little bit, maybe?"

He grinned at me slyly. He was my only comfort and escape during the darkest moments of my life, of course I was happy to see him.

I smiled back at him and he opened his arms, I feel into them like many times before. "It is nice to see you," I said into Draco's shoulder. He tightened his hold on me.

"Mommy," called Severus's voice. Draco let go of me at once.

Shit, I thought.

David and Severus stood only three yards away, watching Draco and I embrace.

Draco's eyes widened as Severus came running towards us. Draco backed up as Severus drew nearer as if my son had some contagious disease.

I took Severus in my arms and rested his weight on my left hip.

"Who are you?" Severus asked Draco.

I glanced to my right and saw David still as a statue watching the scene through untrusting eyes.

Draco looked from my face to Severus's and then stepped back further.

I put Severus down and he bravely walked over to the cowering Draco and extended his hand.

"I'm Severus Snape," said Severus.

Draco gave me a long terrified look before giving Severus his hand.

"How old are you?" Draco.

"That is not how it is supposed to work," Severus told him. "I tell you who I am and then you tell me who you are. Okay?"

Draco turned his gaze towards David and then to Severus again. I knew he was desperately trying to identify similar characteristics between to two.

David just glared back at Draco angrily, but then shook his head.

Draco looked down at Severus. "I am Draco Malfoy."

He grabbed my sons hand and shook it gently. His fingers writhed under the grasp of Severus's.

I heard a snort come from David's direction, but we all decided to ignore it.

"Now you can ask me how old I am," said Severus bossily.

"How old are you?" Draco asked timidly.

"I'm five and a half," Severus stated proudly.

"Five and a half," Draco mouthed. I could almost hear his brain replaying my words from earlier, 'It has been more than five years…'

"My God," Draco stared at me with horrified eyes.

"It's not what you think," I said timidly.

"Then what is it," spoke two voices in unison. Draco and David both confronted me.

"Severus," I said in my sweetest-trying-to –stay-calm voice. "Darling, will you go to your room and play for a while, Mr. Malfoy is an old friend of mine and we want to have time to talk."

"Why can't I talk too?" asked Severus.

"Because, Darling, we want to have adult time," I said.

Severus looked hurt at being sent away, I never left him out of anything, because up until recently it was just him and me.

"Please, sweetheart," I pleaded.

"Can David come play with me?" Severus asked.

"Yes," I sighed. "Please by all means take David with you."

"No," David protested.

"Plea-"

"No," he said firmly. "I am staying here." He turned to Severus. "Why don't you go paint a picture with the supplies I brought you?"

"With our supervision?" Severus asked wide eyed.

David nodded and Severus smiled and ran to make a mess.

David walked between me and Draco, holding out his hand to the latter.

"David Harper," he said firmly.

Skeptically Draco shook David's hand.

Then both men turned to look at me, waiting for an explanation. I felt cornered.

"Perhaps we should all sit," I suggested nervously.

"Fine," said David. He walked over to the sitting area and moved Useless the cat off the sofa and sat. He looked at Draco and then gestured to the chair. Then he looked at me and patted the sofa cushion next to him.

I sat at the very edge of the sofa, as far from David as possible, but he moved himself closer to me. Then put his arm firmly around my shoulders, not to comfort me but to prove to Draco that he could.

I took a deep breath, waiting for someone else to start.

"What the hell is this?" David exclaimed.

I glanced at Draco who seemed too shocked to speak.

"It isn't what you think," I whispered to him.

"Is he Severus's father?" David asked the blunt question.

I pulled myself out of David's grasp, but then put a firm hand on his knee to keep him calm.

"Does he look like he is?" I asked David wearily. I felt as though an army was trying to penetrate my castle's stone walls of safety; there was nowhere else to go, nothing left to do, but wait for them to come.

"Who the hell is this?" David asked me gesturing at Draco.

"Perhaps I should be asking you the same question," Draco said coldly.

"Both of you please," I begged. "I will," I sighed deeply, "I will explain."

"You better," Draco said harshly.

"Watch it," David pointed at him.

"Draco, you are not Severus's father," I whispered, "I promise."

Draco looked at me scandalized. "Five years ago you and I…" he trailed off.

"Yeah, I know," I said defensively, "but that doesn't change the fact that you are not the father."

"Is he the father?" Draco pointed at David.

I wished David was not in the room so I could lie and say that he was. I shook my head.

"Then who the hell is?" Draco interrogated.

I gulped and casted my eyes down. "I don't know," I lied.

"Yeah, well I don't buy it," Draco said.

"Why does it matter who it is?" I told him. "It isn't you?"

"Well then who else were you possibly sleeping with?" Draco retorted.

"Draco…" I began without a purpose.

"What?" He spat. "Is it really that horrible to you that the child is mine?"

"I thought you said the father was dead," David spoke up.

I was trapped. I stood up and knelt by Draco taking his hands. Tears began streaming down my cheeks.

"Please believe what I am saying to you?" I cried.

"Not a chance," Draco told me.

"You are not Severus's father," I told his desperately.

"Then who is?"

"Think Draco. Please don't make me say it out loud," I bawled.

Draco's eyes widened. "It can't be," he said.

"Severus can talk to snakes, Draco," I whispered.

"No," he hissed.

I nodded through tears. "Please don't tell anyone, please, Draco!"

"Is he anything-"

"No, no," I cried. "He is not like him in the slightest. He is so good and pure and happy."

"He is a parselmouth," Draco said back.

"So is Harry Potter," I reminded.

Draco scowled.

"Please, Draco for me. Never tell a soul, please!" I begged.

Draco stood and pulled me with him. He brought me into him and hugged me. "I promise," he whispered in my ear and then released me.

My body was shaking all over as he released me. David was at my side at once. I was skeptical about trusting anyone with the information that I just gave away to Draco. Perhaps Severus and I would have to move somewhere far away so I could be sure that he was safe.

David enclosed me in his arms. I didn't hug him back but continued to shake.

Draco looked at me with terrified eyes, but then turned his gaze to David with curiosity.

"What is this all about?" David asked Draco.

"You don't know?" Draco asked with little interest, looking with concern at me again. He reached out his arm and grabbed my hand.

Now I was awkwardly trapped with David and pulled in the other direction by Draco.

"Mommy!" called Severus. We all broke apart and Draco turned a sickening ashy color.

I took in a cleansing breath. "Yes, Severus," I called back.

"Can I come out now?" he asked hopefully.

"In five more minutes," I cried back.

"How long is that?" he asked.

"Sing happy birthday four times, twinkle twinkle little star 3 times and your ABC 5 times."

"That's a lot," Severus commented.

"I know, honey," I said. "We just need a little more time."

"Okay Mommy," he said. And then I could hear him starting to sing.

"What is going on?" David asked me.

I ignored him and looked at Draco.

"I will keep your secret," Draco said firmly. "But I don't want to see the child again."

Tears flooded from my eyes, and hatred filled my heart as Draco spoke of my son as some sort of parasite.

"Make me an unbreakable vow that you won't tell," I said bitterly.

"Alex…" Draco stammered.

"If you will not tell, you should have no problem doing it," I hissed at him suddenly feeling like I was channeling my cousin.

"We don't have enough wizards to do it," he said triumphantly, "unless your muggle wants to do the honors."

Draco and I both looked at David, who was fuming in confusion and anger.

Suddenly, Severus came running towards us. Draco backed up against the fireplace as my five year old son was a credible threat.

"Oh please Draco," I hissed at him and he straightened up.

"Mommy, I sang everything you told me to sing," Severus said cheerfully.

"Very good," I breathed, "Go sit at the table."

Not letting me escape, Severus grabbed my arm and began to pull me towards the table.

"Hold on, Sev," I whispered.

"Come on, Mommy," he said as he pulled me harder.

"I will be right there," I said firmly. "Just let me say goodbye to Mr. Malfoy."

Severus let go of me and then stomped over to the table alone.

Draco took both my hands, raised one to his lips and kissed it hesitantly.

David made a noise beside me.

"Do you trust me?" Draco whispered, his eyes pouring into mine.

Trust the most powerful, dangerous word in the English vocabulary, well next to love that is.

I swallowed hard. "Yes," I assured him and myself. I wanted to follow my reply with a threat that if he ever spoke about Severus's parentage I would personally make him wish he had never been born, but I choked back the retort. I did trust Draco Malfoy.

He nodded once curtly and then said his goodbyes. I felt as if a grey cloud had washed over me. I would miss my old friend.

"Come now, Mommy!" Severus demanded.

I snapped out of it. "You are so bossy," I teased. "Okay, okay, I'm coming." I turned to Draco on last time. "Goodbye."

He moved to the door and David followed him. I through him a warning look.

"I will see you out," David said too kindly. I looked skeptically at him. He shrugged. "It is only polite," David grinned at me forcefully.

Draco threw a glance over his shoulder, but then let David follow him out the door.

"How do you know, Alex?" David asked Draco as soon as they were in the hall. "You knew Severus's father, what happened?"

"One question at a time, Muggle," Draco told David through a sneer. David scowled. "I went to school with Alex and other things." Draco smiled disgustingly. David felt a blazing desire to punch him. "As for the other question, you were in there, I just gave my word not to speak of it didn't you hear that?"

"I don't think she will mind if you tell me," David said weakly.

"Really now," Draco leered. "If she wanted you to know she probably would have told you by now."

David looked as if he really would punch Draco. Draco decided to change his tone. "How do you know Alex?" he asked.

"I have known her since we were children," David said defensively.

"Interesting," Draco said. "Well obviously you know she is a witch…what else do you know?"

"I know about the wizarding world and Hogwarts and the other creatures," David said.

"So not very much then," Draco commented. "Tell me, has Alex ever told you about me?"

"No," David said proudly.

"Well she has never told me about you either," Draco retorted. "How about the first Severus Snape, do you know about him?"

"I know he was Alex's cousin and a wizard," David said.

"So again practically nothing," Draco told him. David looked down. "What about the death of her family?"

"I know they were killed by dark wizards," David said.

"Is that it?" Draco asked.

"Alex didn't seem like she liked to talk about it," David said, "So I didn't want to push her."

"I have no idea what the two of you talk about," Draco said. "Have you slept with her at least?"

David pressed his lips together.

"So obviously you two just sit around and look at each other all day," said Draco.

David's eyebrows knit together. He was thinking over everything Blondie said. A feeling of extreme panic came over him. He knew that Alex was not telling him everything, but he believed she would in time. He was honored that he had trusted him with her secret of magic, but obviously he had not trusted him enough to confide in him much more. How did she feel about him? He thought he knew, but perhaps he was wrong.

"Hey," Draco said.

David was pulled back and looked at the man in front of him.

"You really do care about her, don't you?" Draco asked.

David thought about this for a moment. "Caring about her is an understatement," he said almost bitterly.

"Look," said Draco in a mockingly serious way. "Maybe it is a good thing that she hasn't slept with you yet."

David rolled his eye; Blondie was not getting the point.

"I am just saying," said Draco, "She seems the type to wait for the right moment if she really likes someone."

David wondered if this was Blondie's way of trying to make him feel better.

"She must have really hated me, then," Draco pointed out.

Or maybe not.

"You really are not the father?" David wanted to clear this up.

"I am really not." Draco told him.

"Good," David sighed.

Draco almost smiled. "Take care of her," he told David.

And before David could say that he would Draco was gone.

**Note from Author: Okay this next bit is chapter 54. **

(Same day)

I whispered a final goodnight to Severus and closed his bedroom door. Walking into the living, I saw David sitting on the very edge of the sofa stroking Useless with his mind somewhere else.

"We need to talk don't we?" I asked hesitantly. I was curious as to what Draco had told him. David was pale and speechless at dinner. Did he know?

"Oh yeah," David sighed.

"Okay," I said, taking a seat across from him.

David shook his head, patting the cushion right beside him. I stood and David moved the cat.

As soon as I was seated beside him David grabbed my hands so that I was facing him.

His eyes were so green and even in distress they glittered. My heart skipped a beat.

"I love you," he blurted.

Warmth built up inside me and started bubbling up my body, but I tried to cool the feeling. This could not be. It was not right. David was too good for me. I had suspected that he was in love with me, but he had never said it before now. I tried to convince myself that I was wrong but now that the words are out I could no longer live the lie.

"It is out in the open now," David said after I was silent. "Oh God please say something."

"I don't know what to say," I told him.

"I feel like you love me," David said, "Sometimes I feel it more than others, but perhaps I am deluding myself." He let go of my hands and turned his face away from me. "When we were younger, I used to think that maybe you did, but I didn't do anything about it. Perhaps it is too late."

"David," I started with nothing else to say.

"What," he hissed, his face still turned from me.

"I don't know," I admitted.

"You don't know what, Alex?" he said bitterly. "You don't know what you think or you don't know what to say?" He let out a definite sniff. He was crying. I made David cry. I felt awful, but perhaps if he just hated me it would be better. My insides ached for him.

I reached out a hand to touch his shoulder, he pressed up against my hand.

"Just tell me you don't love me then," he said, "tell me one way or the other. I just need to know." His voice broke and so did my heart.

"Look at me, David," I whispered.

He did. His green eyes swimming with tears I caught one with my thumb as it rolled down his cheek. I left my hand cupped around his face.

"You don't want me," I assured him.

"Don't I," he mused.

"David, I have lost so much, so many people. I have been through and seen too much. I am not worth loving," at this I heard my own voice crack. "And I am definitely not worth being loved by."

"Tell me everything and I will judge for myself," David muttered.

"David I-" I began.

He put a finger to my lips. "Tell me how you feel about me first."

Tears streamed down my own face, it was David's turn to wipe them away. "I love you," I cried. "I have loved you so long! Since I knew what love was!"

A humongous smile spread across David's lips and he took me into his arms. "That is all I needed to know," he exclaimed. But it wasn't, so I told him everything and he stayed with me forever.

**Note from Author: This is just something I wrote to try to expand of David and Alex's relationship, but it never found a place in my story**

First of all David never showed the slightest bit of interest in me. He was known at school for reaching the "great" achievement of dating every member of the cheer squad. He liked the bleach blonde, big breasted, short skirted, whore type. So yeah, he had horrible taste in women and never was attracted to the awkward, bookish type that sang in the school choir and went to chess club every Wednesday. But when beautiful, slutty cheerleaders are prancing around, with plunging cleavage and mini-skirts that hardly cover anything, how could David resist? He is only human. Plus girls like that just set out to seduce guys like David, smokin' hot, sports stars. Poor David never stood a chance.

I know it sounds like I fell for the typical, clichéd high school jock, but I didn't. David never ignored that awkward, bookish girl, when others would. Although, he never showed her a bit of interest he was always kind.

**Thank you to everyone who has read this story to the end.**

**Sincerely,**

**Thora Jane**


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